Comfortable love vs. attraction/connection love

[berryel]

I'm gonna make this short...

Do you go with your gut and stay with the guy of your dreams that gives his life for you, and has completely for 5 1/2 years...has every quality a girl could dream of.

OR...do you completely take the risk of losing this guy and go with the guy that you feel a complete connection with and so much attraction too, has the qualities that matter, like kindness, loving, true, and honest, but has a past and not the best name around (and he's 4 years older) and that your parents wouldn't approve of as much. - this guy feels the same about me and has never felt this way

 

HELp! I have been struggling for months now having mental breakdowns every day. I don't know what to do! I took a break with my boyfriend to figure things out, and ended up dating this other guy, only to break things off with him b/c i was falling too hard for him and afraid of losing my old boyfriend. now i'm stuck back at square one with feelings still for guy #2.

[Smokeycat]

These two guys seem to have an equal amount of your interest. Sometimes comfortable relationships get too comfortable and boring. Who do you have more fun with? What are you looking for in a relationship right now? If you're thiking of the future, who would you rather be with? Pick the guy who has the best qualities for the relationship you want.

[eternally_eden]

This is a very delicate situation.

Now you said that your bf gives his life to you and has done so for the last 5 1/2 years. He also has all the qualities a girl could want. And let me guess, you love him, but it feels too secure, too normal, no excitement.

Then you have this new guy, he's caring, sweet, funny, says things that make you tingle, and that make your heart jump. He's new, he's different. You feel so strong about him, and it excites you because you don't know where things are going to go.

This sounds all to familiar, let me think why? Oh ya! Because it happened to me two years ago.

Heres my story.......

I met this guy that wasn't the hottest guy, or the most popular or anything like that. He was average, but he was sweet and caring, he had all the qualities you could want in a guy. He always paid for everything, I couldn't even insist on paying because he would refuse. He opened doors for me, bought me really thoughtful gifts, called me often, planned really nice dates. He was great! We dated for a long time.

And then I went to a friend of mines graduation party. She was like 2 years older then me. And at the party she had this friend named Levi. He was taller then me which was great, because I'm really tall. And he was 4 years older then me. So I thought he would never like me, but he did. We talked for hours that night, he ignored everyone else. We talked about spiritual things, music, God, movies, goals, dreams. After that things moved quickly. But the problem with this was that I was still dating my bf at the time. So anyhow I was so into this older, handsome, more exciting guy. He told me he never felt this way about anyone. I blew my bf off for Levi and he and I dated for 7 months. What happened? Well I moved after the first month. Everything went ok, I visited him, we talked like every night on the phone. But then near valentines day I found out that he wanted to split up. So we did, but then I found out it was because he found someone new.

I started talking to my old bf again. I told him what happened. He was mad, he was really, really mad and hurt still about me dumping him. But he said that he would have never cheated on me, and that he would have been patient with a long distance relationship. He and I aren't dating anymore, we're friends, best friends, and we get along fine. I still care for him a lot, and wish that we were together. But there was a lot of time lost, and a lot of hearts broken. Who knows maybe he and I will get back together, but only time will tell.

I don't know if my experience will help you. It sounded similar, and so I hope it will.

All I am saying is, make sure that you truly, truly care about this new guy and what your feeling isn't just lust. If you do go with the new one, think about the history, and love that you'll be tossing aside in order to get the new guy. Are you sure that its worth losing your current boyfriend? Set your priorities straight. Make sure that this new guy is worth it. Hope I helped.

[Gaeltick]

eternally-eden gave you the best advice, the kind that comes from experience.

 

The only advice I'd give you is this and it is about his reputation. Sometimes when people are growing up they make mistakes that effect their reputations, and they get labeled before their life really begins. Sometimes the reputations people have aren't even justified, yet they get saddled with them anyway.

 

Love does bring out the best in people. You seem to see his potential, nuture it, and this could grow into something extroadinary. He could be a diamond in the rough, who needed to have you help him polish up his act.

 

If he is good to you, your parents will come around and grow to love him also. The only opinions that should matter are those of people you respect, and admire. Who knows you could transform his life so much that people will see him differently just because you do. Maybe they'll see his mettle for what it really is.

 

Also, re-read what you wrote in line five "he has the qualities that matter", and I think you'll have your answer.

 

 

[killer_bimbo]

Some people don't realise the changing nature of love. When you first meet someone, it's exciting, intense, passionate, whatever, then that calms down, and turns into something different, that comforting, soulmate type thing. The passion and physical attraction is still there, but it's not the driving force of the relationship. The relationship with your old boyfriend had matured to this stage. It seems to me your acting on the desire for the new relationship feeling. The problem being that after a few months, no matter who you're with, that feeling will fade. Will you find yourself attracted to another new person to get this new relationship feeling? You need to look inside yourself and find out whether you could lose your old boyfriend completely (if you havn't already, he might have found someone new, or may not want anything to do with you anymore), and whether your feelings for this new man are just because you want a fresh new relationship feeling or if it is something deeper.

[faeriechyld]

Your relationship with your boyfriend of 5 years has matured, but have you? True love is the kind of love that has a strong steady flame, not one that goes in and out!!! Slam on the brakes, pull the emergency cord and stop right where you are. Think about what you are considering! You're going to throw away 5 years for a guy that might just be playing you??? Maybe he is as someone said a "diamond in the rough" but is that a chance you are willing to take while throwing away a loving devoted boyfriend? Does your boyfriend treat you badly? Does he hurt you? He sounds like the type of guy that most girls on here would kill for. I understand that you find this other guy exciting, of course you do, he's older, got the "bad" boy persona, rebellion against parents. This is leading to disaster! But as everyone knows you have to make your own mistakes. But please also consider your boyfriends feelings before you make any rash, lustful decisions.

[Dregnought]

ome people don't realise the changing nature of love. When you first meet someone, it's exciting, intense, passionate, whatever, then that calms down, and turns into something different, that comforting, soulmate type thing. The passion and physical attraction is still there, but it's not the driving force of the relationship. The relationship with your old boyfriend had matured to this stage. It seems to me your acting on the desire for the new relationship feeling. The problem being that after a few months, no matter who you're with, that feeling will fade.

Thats exactly what happened with my feelings for MG. After about 1 and a half months, i missed the old ways, the passion and attraction. But now i feel like i live with her every day. Here is a topic that might help.

bewithyou

What's your opinion of cyber love?Do you think it is the kind of real love or it could be a real love?

Do you believe this kind of love and do you like to try?

 

Just need opinions , I am doing a research.

Cyberlove? Yes, yes, yes and yes. I have not seen a better couple on enotalone then me and my I'd be more then joyful to take part and help you research, and im sure my lover will be to. Shes in Purto Rico, im in Australia. I would do anything just to hold her in my arms, feel her breath upon my skin, taste those lips... ohh sooo good. And i wont get myself started on teh bedroom, no. Cyberlove? As Moon Goddess put it - "Love knows no boundries, no time, no distance." I agree with that, every bit of it. Every day it feels like im living with her infact.

 

If you have the song - Baby Boy from Big Brovaz - well worth the money to get it for your research. This is EXACTLY how me and MG feel of each other. I also suggest you read our previous posts and topics, expressing our love. Our love is true and pure. We been through some pretty hard times in our short 3 months, yet we stuck together. Now look at us, we cant live without the other. We are one.

 

Goood Luck with your research. I am most interested in it.

 

Keep your current boyfriend. It is compeletly natural to miss that 'starting' of a relationship feeling. I had it as well, and most others do. Dont do as eternally_eden did, because as she foudn out, it was only lust. Dont fall for it. And dont let this affect your relationship either. If you feel it does, or you are still unsure, add me (prefablly on msn messenger) and ill help more.

 

Good Luck, i do hope you make the right choice.

[striderhiryu81]

I'm actually going through the same thing, just that I am the new guy. Its a horrible feeling right now because I have not pursued this girl at all but she has pursued me. She called me late last night saying that she told her bf that she isn't sure she wants to be with him anymore. I'm completely torn over this thing though because I don't want her to make a mistake if for some reason it didn't work out between she and I. I don't want to be responsible for ruining their relationship.

 

I keep telling myself that she wouldn't be pursuing me if there wasn't already something that caused her to question her relationship. When people are happy they don't generally look for an out of their current relationship. There is usually something lacking, and it could be something very tiny, that they see they can get with someone else. So they leave and then they come to find that on the other side of the fence, that which was all but guaranteed at "home" is lacking in this new relationship.

 

I don't really know where I am going with this, but I have thought of her point of view many times and it seems like this is what you are going through. Hopefully me pointing out my point of view will help. If not, then I hope that you are able to figure this one out in time.