Feeling lost.. gay... suicidal..etc.

[sirion2004]

Hi. I'm not accustomed to telling my story to such a wide audience, so I may ramble just a bit. I'm 17 years old and living a a fairly good life. I make straight A's, I'm involved with the Boy Scouts as a vollunteer (love it) and I tutor some. Great, right? Aside from my textbook over-achiever life, I'm also gay and depressed about it. I have no desire to be a homosexual, I never asked to be one, and would gladly trade it in for some other horrible defect. However, I am stuck with it. This is a problem, because my entire life focuses on two major goals: be active in Scouting and have a career in education. I can't do either one in my current state. Right now, consider yourselves quite privleged because you know more about my sexuality than even my parents do, and I really can't bring myself to tell them. For the past few months, I've started thinking more and more about really killing myself. I have perfect access to a gun, and I have also considered mixing aspirin and a few other things. I'm not prepared to face the remainder of my life, which could be quite long (I don't have any foreshadowing illnesses) as a gay man with no direction in life. I want to either achieve my two goals or forget about them and die. Am I shutting out my options? What AM I doing? I can consciously talk about this problem, but I don't even know what it is that's bothering me so much or how to go about solving it. All I know is that death would rid me of all these things. If I'm wrong, tell me so. I could use the information. I don't mind email, but replies are better. Any response would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Happy_Go_Lucky_Heb]

Hey sirion. Welcome 2 eNotalone, u have come to the right place for a start but you may need 2 consider some professional advice instead.

 

I've never been gay and rarely think about the possibility. What i don't understand is, are u sure about ur sexuality? are u just sayin u're gay becoz u cannot get a girl 2 luv u or gaven up? Why don't u fight it, just give up ur scouts and educational life becoz of ur sexuality? Those are my questions. Think carefully as I don't understand why u can't change urself, u obviously hate being gay and u said urself u neva wanted 2 b so why b it?

 

Don't take ur life or make drastic decisions right now... give it a couple of days first. Appreciate life, there's so many things.. u're wasting valuable time just thinkin about ending ur own life. Life's funny, there's no actual way 2 describe it and even tho our journeys ends sooner or later, when we die, the answer which has never been solved will probably b answered "what is life?". But till then, why not try and find out urselves, so many things 2 experience, so lil time.

 

"We are more than what we do...much more than what we accomplish...far more than what we possess." Don't let the music die within u, don't take ur own life, when the time comes, it will end.

 

Happy Heb

[sabena]

ok...first things first, You are a very young man who is having to deal a lot with problems at the moment that most people will never have to deal with in their lives. Not only are you just coming into being a man but having to deal with your very sexuality is obviously hard and very stressful.

 

You have taken a huge step today by coming on here and telling us and I feel honoured to have read your story.

 

However, I feel that you need to talk to someone, and I know that you may think "I don't want to see a therapist" but I think you seem very confused and what therapy/counselling does is not give you answers but it opens up the problems and gets you to see them for what they really are. Some people can find it a little daunting at first but they often come through with the guidance and problem solving ideas to see them through their life.

 

Don't worry about telling your parents yet, you need to accept yourself first before telling other people. And I suspect from your post that you don't have friends that you can tell? Well I am hoping that a few people here might have been in your situation once and will be able to speak with you and guide you a little.

 

But I definitely would talk to someone. Do you have a school/college counsellor that you can speak with?

 

Please don't end your life, all that will achieve is having your parents beat themselves up on what they did wrong and what was wrong. Telling them would be better than what would happen to them of you ended it.

[nexus]

sirion,

 

I have heard of some guys/gals (especially a teenager like yourself) that came to a stage in life where they found out that they were gays. Some went through it and found that they were comfortable and continue being one but some grew out of it as they matured (back to straight). Could you be one of the later? Fear not as you are not the only one who does not want to be a gay. Furthermore, there is nothing abnormal about being gay – the point now is, *how do you want to deal with it?*. Since it is stated clearly you do not want it, you want to clear it off, then set your mind to clear it off. Committing suicide is definitely is not the right solution. If you are a good achiever, knows how to set your priorities right to ensure excellent results in your studies, then I am sure you are wise enough to handle this situation. Be calm. Self and mind control could be a key here, suppress your feelings from developing any further. Remember to be in control of yourself. All in all, everything is up to you. Again, need not be ashamed of yourself. May you come to your senses on day. Good luck!

[sharkgirl]

Ok, first of all, not to discount the other people's advice, but I trust you and I trust that you know you are gay. This doesn't go away and it's not because you haven't been able to get girls. You know this already most don't and this is a good thing. You can be happy, being gay should have no effect on the things you want out of life. I understand what you are going through. I have been overweight my entire life and can honestly say that it has effected my relationships so much (insecurity) that I have wished I was a lesbian before. The grass is always greener, trust me. Being gay is not a death sentence! It's just a little something that society has yet to fully accept, thankfully it gets better with each generation and science has come along way to proving that these things are not a choice, they are genetics behind it. It is not wrong, you are no less a person. Someday you'll realize this.

I agree with the person who said you shouldn't worry about telling your parents yet. Tell them only when you want to tell them. Things will get easier, there will be some hard times, but you have a lot to offer the world and those around you, don't deny yourself or them the chance to see you shine.

[neva_black_n_white]

i cannot say that im gay but i dont see why it would be the end of the world, or the possibility of being a reason to end yours. i believe you when your saying your gay also, i dont feel that you would come on hewr to spill your jeart out and lie not that im disreguarding what others have said. and yes there is an issue with telling parents and friends, but if they love you for you then they should accept that. i guess you are still at that stage as you have such high understainding of feeling at the moment. what is it that is that disturbing for you about being gay? is it the reaction in society the reaction of family or like you said the way you feel abnormal to it?

 

you have alot to live for, your young and from what you say are intelligent. you can make something with your llife if you want to work in education then go for your goal. your straight A;s must be a start.

and if your already inscouting carry on.

 

keep up all of the things that you are doing and if you could carry on spilling out these problems then do so we will always answer you, or at least i would lol. it would be easier to understand fully other aspects in your life that are relevant to you being suicidal. everyone here are always ready to help.

 

dont ruin your life at this age. it would hurt alot of people, even if you feel it is simple for you think about the people around you.

 

hope this helps.

devil_*****_666

AKA: kel

[Rain533]

 

You are still very yong, and killing your self is never the answer to a problem. They say that almost every man and women will question there sexuallity onec in there life, have same sex dreams or be affracted to someone of the same sex.

 

Now I'm not gay and Ive never told anyone this before but at 18yr's I had a same sex dream and I thought that maybe I was gay for like a week. The truth is that you don't have anything to worry about this is 2003 and if you are gay theres nothing wrong with that, however I'm not sure that you are.

 

Why dont you try dateing a few girls and see if you are attracted to them. Alot of people that are gay do start off not wanting to be gay they just want to be like every one else.

 

I have two male friend that are gay and they both have talked about being depressed and how they wanted to kill them selfs before they came out. Now both of these men did need counsleing but not because they where gay but because they where both molested as a child.

 

If you are gay I'm not saying that it will be easy to tell your parents and friend but alot of times it's the best thing because your not carring around that secret in side any more.

 

Just remember that there is nothing wrong with being gay if you are. and you still can be a teacher and have the same goals as you have now.

[pitchblackbob]

If your worried about not gettin a job cus your gay im not sure were you live but i thought that was illegle its called discrimination. As fare as telling your parents i can amagine how hard it would be for you but if your parents love you although they might be disipointed they will still love you. And dont even think of killing yourself you will mis to much good stuff out of this life.

 

I was in your shoes about 3 years ago i was very suicidle i was just dipresed my family not my mom and dad but my other memebers are assholes. I have a uncle thats gay and we dont hate him for that we hate him cus hes a cheep asshole lol. But enyways i was thinking about pills to take i was over waight and upset with my life every day i thought up new ways to kil myself and i dont know how but it just past and i never really went threw with eny of them thats the inportian part dont do it o to a shrink it didnt help me but it might help you talk to a friend if they dont except you for being gay there not your friend.....Just please dont kill yourself if u ever feel like doing it AIM me at Pitchblack69 if u dont have aim u can send me a email email removed

Enything to save a life expecile one as smart as yours! Don't queston this talk to me or somone els even if u dont know them dont give eny personal info out just talk about whats on your mind it always helps me

 

good luck! (edit correct aim name: PITCHBLACKBOB69

[grandplan]

the most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are