itseuphoric Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 okay, i've been seeing this guy sorta off and on (mostly on) for about a year and a half. things started out pretty good...but lately we've just been fighting a lot and i just don't know what to do. i love him. i really do. but sometimes...it just gets confusing, because he says that he loves me, and even when we were "off" we never dated other people, but he often treats me badly and says mean things to me. we just cant seem to get along lately and i dunno what to do. i'm afraid maybe i should just move on and break it off...but i dont want to. i really dont. but staying in this relationship is hurting me too. what should i do? is love always this confusing? Link to comment
friscodj Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 Welcome to ENA itseuphoric! From what you've written, I'd say this is a situation of a rollercoaster-type relationship. Lord knows I have been in this situation before... Typically, these are the worst kind. Why? Because this whole business of "on again/off again" conditions you to get used to experiencing the highs and lows of things getting ugly, breaking up, reconciling, experiencing the honeymoon phase, repeat cycle. An analogy that comes to mind is one of a computer, stuck in a loop, and pushing keys does nothing. You turn it off, turn it on again, it works for a while, you're able to get work done on it, but then it crashes again... But it worked before for a little while so you just accept this and keep using it, probably because throwing it away and buying a new one not only seems like a waste of a computer, but you are used to this routine so it becomes second-nature and also getting a new unfamiliar one takes time, money, time to learn, etc. Love is not like this, but obsession, clinginess, fear, weakness, and hope is like this. You may be confusing being attached to someone, having a history with them of good times and tough bad times, and thinking this is what you deserve with "love". Love is not about someone treating you badly and you accepting it by continuing to experience it! This all fine and dandy in theory. But you don't want to get out of this situation. I have been there! What I did was take it, keep doing it, and eventually, I snapped. Pre-snappage, I tried to move on but always had these lingering questions, doubts, things felt incomplete or unanswered. Post-snappage, I felt relieved, even though I still grieved for the loss... So my advice to you is keep trying, keep being frustrated, keep getting tired fighting this battle within yourself. Find this promised land of discovering clarity in what I speak of for yourself, because no one can tell you what it feels like. In the meantime, really watch this guy, and watch other people. Look at couples who are truly happy with each other, smiling, holding hands, truly in love. Look closely. Then look at what you have. Look at how a good boyfriend treats his girlfriend and then watch how yours treats you. I did this and it opened my eyes... Link to comment
nottoogreen Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 Hi itseuphoric, Welcome to eNotAlone! Please have a look at this article to see which patterns the two of you fit. Relationship wreckers: Afterward, we have more ideas what to do. Link to comment
itseuphoric Posted July 5, 2006 Author Share Posted July 5, 2006 i've watched how good boyfriends act. that's the difficult part. it's that 50% of the time he IS the perfect boyfriend. if we aren't fighting...he's really good to me. but when we're fighting...he cusses at me. he calls me names. that's why its so confusing. if we didn't fight so much...it wouldn't be that big of a deal. but we do fight a lot. i just dont know... oh, and for the article... we seem to fit into different aspects of all of those. mostly #2, #4, and #8 Link to comment
nottoogreen Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 i've watched how good boyfriends act. that's the difficult part. it's that 50% of the time he IS the perfect boyfriend. if we aren't fighting...he's really good to me. but when we're fighting...he cusses at me. he calls me names. that's why its so confusing. if we didn't fight so much...it wouldn't be that big of a deal. but we do fight a lot. i just dont know... oh, and for the article... we seem to fit into different aspects of all of those. mostly #2, #4, and #8 I am concerned about the cussing... Please be more specific. Which items for you? Which items for him? Link to comment
itseuphoric Posted July 5, 2006 Author Share Posted July 5, 2006 he doesn't cuss at me and call me names or anything like that, but he just uses the "f" word a lot, like yelling at me. and he knows it upsets me when he does it, thats what i dont understand. and he is the one who i would say fits under the category of #2 and #4, i'm the one who would fit under the controlling category. Link to comment
friscodj Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 he doesn't cuss at me and call me names or anything like that, but he just uses the "f" word a lot, like yelling at me. and he knows it upsets me when he does it, thats what i dont understand. and he is the one who i would say fits under the category of #2 and #4, i'm the one who would fit under the controlling category. While this is an issue I think, the bigger issue here is the "on again/off again" nature of your relationship. Who is breaking it off and why? It sounds like these issues which caused the split have not been addressed correctly. Something is causing a decision to be made to end things above and beyond the 50% of the time things are good. Or is one person using "breaking up" as a weapon to win an argument and control the other by getting them to come back and submit? Link to comment
nottoogreen Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 he doesn't cuss at me and call me names or anything like that, but he just uses the "f" word a lot, like yelling at me. and he knows it upsets me when he does it, thats what i dont understand. and he is the one who i would say fits under the category of #2 and #4, i'm the one who would fit under the controlling category. OK what about he feels controlled and when frustrated, he tries to get away/push you away. My suggestion is to print that document, read it together and see. Link to comment
itseuphoric Posted July 5, 2006 Author Share Posted July 5, 2006 honestly....i think we've maybe broken up 5 or 6 times. sometimes he breaks it off, sometimes i do. as it stands right now, we're currently broken up. i broke it off because of some things he had supposedly done with another girl which he hadn't denied. it turns out he didn't do anything with her, but the fact that he hid their relationship is what made me stick with the decision to just split up. i guess we do sort of use breaking up as a way of getting the other person to come back and submit... i never really thought of it like that before. but i'm just a stubborn person, and so is he...so when we fight, it gets pretty bad. thats why things happen like they do. Link to comment
nottoogreen Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 ... but i'm just a stubborn person, and so is he ... 5 breakups is way too much. By the above you know why. It's high time to resolve issues together and failing that to finally let go. Link to comment
friscodj Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 honestly....i think we've maybe broken up 5 or 6 times. sometimes he breaks it off, sometimes i do. as it stands right now, we're currently broken up. i broke it off because of some things he had supposedly done with another girl which he hadn't denied. it turns out he didn't do anything with her, but the fact that he hid their relationship is what made me stick with the decision to just split up. i guess we do sort of use breaking up as a way of getting the other person to come back and submit... i never really thought of it like that before. but i'm just a stubborn person, and so is he...so when we fight, it gets pretty bad. thats why things happen like they do. OK, let's put aside the specifics and reasons and focus on this question: What is it that leads you to believe this trend of frequent break-ups will change? Because this is most certainly not what love is about. And what happens when you guys take this relationship to the next level? Because given enough time, a relationship is either going to progress to marriage and a family or digress to breaking up (for good). What would being married do to a situation like this? Having children? Mortgage? Having responsibilities together and depending on each other? Magically "fix" everything? Is that what you think? Link to comment
itseuphoric Posted July 5, 2006 Author Share Posted July 5, 2006 every time we sit down and try to work things out together...we never listen to eachother. and when we do, and we get stuff worked through, we just fall back into the same exact pattern again within a week. i dont know if its maybe deeper issues that we're just not getting to or what...but if there are deeper issues, we obvsiously cant figure them out. Link to comment
friscodj Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 but i'm just a stubborn person, and so is he...so when we fight, it gets pretty bad. thats why things happen like they do. This is actually a defense of the current situation! This concerns me...it seems like you have accpeted the situation through rationalization...you are "settling" it sounds... Link to comment
itseuphoric Posted July 5, 2006 Author Share Posted July 5, 2006 yeah, i do settle a lot i guess. it's just...breaking up for good is too hard. but staying together without fighting seems to be too hard too. so settling for the inbetween, even if i'm not totally happy, is the easiest option for me... Link to comment
friscodj Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 every time we sit down and try to work things out together...we never listen to eachother. and when we do, and we get stuff worked through, we just fall back into the same exact pattern again within a week. i dont know if its maybe deeper issues that we're just not getting to or what...but if there are deeper issues, we obvsiously cant figure them out. And this is your idea of love? You know, sometimes you take two people, two good people, and you put them together in a relationship...and the relationship sucks! It's like taking a bottle of Evian spring water that costs $5 a bottle and mix it with a bottle of Colavita Extra Virgin Olive Oil. Both are the best products, but what happens when you put them together? Make sure you look at three separate entities here: you, him, and the relationship. What is your honest assessment of each? Link to comment
friscodj Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 yeah, i do settle a lot i guess. it's just...breaking up for good is too hard. but staying together without fighting seems to be too hard too. so settling for the inbetween, even if i'm not totally happy, is the easiest option for me... OK, I want you sit with this, with what you wrote, think about it. Really think about it...and I believe you will find the answer to this dilemma within yourself... Link to comment
itseuphoric Posted July 5, 2006 Author Share Posted July 5, 2006 i wish i knew how to find the answer. but nothing ever makes sense to me, no matter how hard i think about it. i really truly love him...and even if we are different in a lot of ways, shouldn't love be able to conquer anything? Link to comment
nottoogreen Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 You are too selfish and him too. You are too stubborn and him too. Relationships are about balance which can be reached only through compromise. Link to comment
itseuphoric Posted July 5, 2006 Author Share Posted July 5, 2006 i know i'm selfish and stubborn, and he is too. but i don't know how to change that. i guess that's more of what i need help on. Link to comment
itseuphoric Posted July 5, 2006 Author Share Posted July 5, 2006 thanks for all your help Link to comment
nottoogreen Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 You are welcome. Time will change you as time changes us all. Link to comment
friscodj Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 thanks for all your help It is so clear to me that you are cheating yourself out of a fulfilling life by staying with this guy. I just want you to know that you can find sense in this and make changes within yourself, but the first step to do that is believe it can be done and get out of this relationship because it is oppressing you into unhapiness and preventing you from doing this. I see this so clearly. I wish you could see what I see... Ultimately, no one is going to do this for you. People can guide you in the right direction, but you have to walk it. I think you need to get tough with yourself and face this situation. I think in time, this strength to overcome the fear will come to you and/or you will get worn down by all this and "snap". I just hope this liberation comes before you bring children into the picture and bring them into this mess you're in... Link to comment
dpressedone89 Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 i know people who have been similar situations who had a better relationship without being officially together. they saw eachother exclusively and stuff but they dont consider themselves bf/gf and its working out great for them, it takes the pressure off of a relationship. just a thought though -stitcheS Link to comment
nottoogreen Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 It is so clear to me that you are cheating yourself out of a fulfilling life by staying with this guy... And vice versus, I have to add as the controling party is the greater abuser in practice. The best way perhaps is to be single for some time and to engage in personality development. Link to comment
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