He Blames Me...

[marvigarvi]

My ex cheated on me and I left. Simple right? No not so simple. After I found out he had been cheating (he is currently with the woman he had the affair with, they begin as "friends" but now suddely a few months later it seems as if they're dating...) he got angry with me. He's blaming the reason he cheated on me. He says if I hadn't of gotten angry things might be different. Many months later he's still angry with me and I just don't understand this mindset. I mean I'm not sitting here thinking about it on a daily basis, it's not consuming me, but I am curious to know if any of you have experienced this or have any insight as to what the deal is.

 

Someone cheats on you, gets busted then blames their partner for the cheating and also creating drama (I didn't create drama BUT I'll admit after I found out about the cheating...I contributed to it by not just walking away. I snapped.)

 

Now I hear that my ex is angry with me and apparently what weren't problems before have all become huge problems (ie. I think he's complaining about the way I 'am' - never seemed to be a problem for him until...he got busted).

 

So WHY do they do this? Why do people do this? Is it just an easy way for them to deal with the guilt of what they did? Is it complete immaturity? Did his true nature come out - is he just a jackhole? It just trips me out that he's trying to make me the 'badguy' in all of this when everything that happened was a creation of what he...created.

 

ugh.

 

sometimes people just suck.

 

dear ex take responsibility for your actions. i didnt cheat. YOU did. and if she or the countless many others you encounter don't end up being the right one...well that's your fault that you wanted to test out and see if the grass was greener. if it is kool...if it's not...well live with your decision and the knowledge that what could have at least ended as a friendship with a possibiility to get together in the future...has ended with me beginning to dislike who you are now and everything you've ever been. you are not the man you pretended to be.

 

me.

[yeawutever]

Don't listen to him, he's your ex now, thus no relation. Good thing you busted him and what rid of the lying cheater. Reason he might be saying this: 1) He's a self-conceited jerk, loser or 2) He doesn't wanna deal with the guilt he's feeling, thus blaming it on you

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA marvgarvi!

 

Let me just say that you are better off without your ex. He is this other woman's problem now. He is lazy, irresponsible and doesn't know how to deal with his feelings (specifically frustration with the problems in the relationship and his direction of anger). If he had problems in the relationship, he should have taken responsibility and worked at them with you.

 

This is a blessing in disguise for you. You found this out now before you invested more into the relationship, even gotten married, had children, mortgage, etc.

 

If anything, I feel worse for the guy than I do for you. He is a sadly pathetic person and you...are free of him... I feel for this new chick too...I wonder how long it will take him to pull a stunt like this with her... Poor people...

[blender]

It's called "projecting", he does NOT want to take the mature emotionally responsible position of admitting what he did was WRONG, so he then instead "blames you". He knows it's HIS fault, but that would be too mature and responsible for him to admit so he points the finger at you... you've been blessed with losing this guy.

 

Remember "no matter where HE goes, there HE is"

 

Meaning that he will be behaving this way no matter who he gets involved with, there will be no "right girl" for him, because HE'S NOT RIGHT to begin with... so please do NOT take any choices he has made PERSONALLY, his behavior has nothing to do with you, it only REVEALS WHO HE REALLY IS, a "man who cheats". YUK, he's a jerk.

 

Even if you were the worst girlfriend in the world (and I know you were fantastic, I'm just trying to make a point), but if let's say he was unhappy or whatever, a REAL man would break off a relationship BEFORE he'd get involved with ANYONE ELSE first. So be grateful that this guy revealed his true immature, dishonest, irresponsible SELF before you invested another second of your precious heart in him.

 

And please do not worry if he "makes you out to be the bad guy", it doesn't matter, because in a matter of months, he'll be doing the same thing to this new girl, and there be another girl, and by then YOU will have moved on with your life, and your new life is the example that YOU are a mature, wonderful, caring, loving, trusting woman, who deserves SO MUCH more than a guy who CHOOSES to cheat.. don't look back, the best is AHEAD of you....

 

Hold your head up high, no worries about what he tells anyone, what is most important is what YOU KNOW in your own heart. Be proud that you no longer are clinging to this guy, you are healing, growing, and moving on to a better you, and by this I mean, A YOU that would never-ever tolerate or stay with a guy who chooses to cheat again, lesson learned. You are terrific and this is not the end of something, this is a NEW BEGINNING....

[marvigarvi]

Ailec1987 - well it's hard NOT to listen when someone's telling it to you to your face or when you have the same circle of friends that I am unwilling to give up. I love these people and vice versa. So unfort. sometimes you just hear things through the grapevine...though they all know the true reason we broke up as well, it just pisses me off from time to time that's all. mostly like a how dare you blame me for your cheating. hmp.

 

blender - you know something about what you just said...in a matter of months, he'll be doing the same to the new girl. well perhaps not months but sooner or later - i just remembered once he mentioned that all his other exes were "crazy". now i've had some doozy of exes, some crazy, some not, sometimes it was my fault, sometimes things didn't work out but not ALL of them were "crazy" - it was always one thing or another. so i'm thinking anyone who lables all their exes as crazy...well what you guys said about projecting.

 

friscodj - don't feel bad for her, she cheated with him on me so whatever she gets is...just rewards. and "lazy, irresponsible and doesn't know how to deal with his feelings (specifically frustration with the problems in the relationship and his direction of anger)." YES! exactly what I was thinking.

 

we never even really talked because everytime i wanted to sit down and get a little serious...it was just always a problem. at 32 you'd think he would be a little less...immature.

 

ack! so angry but so happy i'm not longer with him. well..i keep telling myself that atleast. dont' want him back just irritated with his reaction to my reaction. what nerve.

[blender]

He's 32???? Well honey, he's deeply into his "life pattern" already, and like they say "if you want to see his future behavior will be like, look at his pattern of the last few years". I'm not saying people can't change, but there are two types of people in this world, people who cheat and those that don't let it happen, because it's always there for all of us, another person whom we find attractive or like, but we make A CHOICE not to pursue it, because it's NOT right when we are involved with someone else.

 

You hit the nail on the head, that he classified most of his ex's as "crazy", this is a huge red flag. I guess next time he says that to someone they should respond with, "well birds of a feather flock together"

 

This is the kind of guy who whenever it gets "real" he feels the urgency to "run" away, because anything "real" means he has to face HIMSELF and be responsible... he simply can't do it, so he has to find something new, and find something wrong with whomever is in the way of his "urgency" to run..well let him run, and he will always end up running into HIMSELF, there will be no "magic girl" who can cure him of himself... I promise you, I know it's confusing and hurtful now, but you will look back and thank god you were spared anymore time with this guy....

 

And as far as him telling people, well, they all know what he's like, he's the only one in the dark, (or pretends to be, cuz it's easier).. Be proud of yourself for not choosing to become like him and disrespect your relationship and make up lies about what happened, he's in denial about who HE is.. that's all.

 

Any guy who takes the path of least resistance, NEVER builds the proper muscles for a long lasting honest trust worthy love. And as far as the girl he cheated with, well he will do the same to her, and if she knew he was in a relationship and still was with him, well her karma is NOT good, and he will NEVER fully trust her, not that it matters, because he can not trust HIMSELF.. and he will project this energy onto whomever he gets involved with....

 

You're doing great, one day at a time, let it all go and try to remember to separate the feelings from the facts, The "feelings" are you miss what you "hoped he could be for you" but the "fact" is, "you do not love who he actually revealed himself to be" You lost your "dream" of him, and that's YOUR dream, you will find it with the right man, because the "reality" of this guy will never match up to your dreams of him.....

[friscodj]

at 32 you'd think he would be a little less...immature

 

Now I really feel sorry for him...

 

But even more sad is ladies stay with him...just can't figure it out...

[yeawutever]

Yea, he's so pathethic, with that attitude, he's relation with the other girl won't last that long, he has issues with himself.

[mba1]

[he got angry with me. He's blaming the reason he cheated on me. He says if I hadn't of gotten angry things might be different.

 

Someone cheats on you, gets busted then blames their partner for the cheating and also creating drama (I didn't create drama BUT I'll admit after I found out about the cheating...I contributed to it by not just walking away. I snapped.)

 

Now I hear that my ex is angry with me and apparently what weren't problems before have all become huge problems (ie. I think he's complaining about the way I 'am' - never seemed to be a problem for him until...he got busted).

 

So WHY do they do this? Why do people do this? Is it just an easy way for them to deal with the guilt of what they did? Is it complete immaturity? Did his true nature come out - is he just a jackhole? It just trips me out that he's trying to make me the 'badguy' in all of this when everything that happened was a creation of what he...created.

 

ugh.

 

sometimes people just suck.

 

dear ex take responsibility for your actions. i didnt cheat. YOU did.

 

 

first off, i'm sorry to hear this happened to you. i can imagine how hurt and angry ...let's not forget betrayed you must feel.

 

but on a brighter note, you should be grateful that you found out where his loyalties lie... you are right on point with what you said earlier... he cheated - not YOU, remember that ! ALWAYS

 

and the real reason why he had the audacity, temerity, or just plain NERVE to deflect blame on you ???

 

is b/c he got caught like a rat in a corner or for better illustration with his pants down.... and it's been my experience that when this happens people have no other alternative then to start blaming everyone around them so they can escape responsibility or any ownership for their actions, which is easier to do when someone is immature or self-centered.

 

remember it takes a very mature, sensitive and sympathetic person to realize when they've hurt someone and own up to it appropriately... and this is the kind of person you want to be with.

 

ya'know he could have owned up to what he did like a man...but he didn't PERIOD! he is not a MAN and he doesn't deserve you.

 

very immature, insensitive and yes a JACKHOLE!!!

[Hope75]

He got mad because it's so much easier not to face his rotten actions if he tries to turn the tables around and blame you for something too. It's a sad little defense mechanism to help him avoid dealing with the guilt of knowing what a creep he was to you.

 

The good news is that it does not matter what he thinks of you anymore... he's LOOONG gone and someone else's problem now.

 

Best of luck in the future!

[marvigarvi]

aw thanks guys. sometimes...a little validation helps.

 

the blame game...im guilty of it but am i really? i blamed him for ending the relationship becuase he cheated on me and that's for the most part a deal breaker.

 

i just keep thinkign though, or ketp thinking, all he needed to do is say mg...i dont want to be with you any longer. it would have been hard and sad but it wouldn't have turned into the fiasco that it did. the problem was...for him atleast, he didn't think he'd get caught.

 

thanks guys for all your words. hearing them defn helps me figure some things out...about him.

 

i guess in his eyes i'll always be the bad guy. there's always that small part that's like i wonder if in the future he'll remember what happen and how it happen and come to realize his part in it well it was a major part. but knowing him, he'll probably forget. becuase like i said...apparently 'it was my fault.'

 

lol. man. how funny when someone's true colors come out. and the red flag thing/s yeah...i see em now and won't make that mistake next time.

[mba1]

you're welcome mg !

 

and about him reflecting on this....

 

i'm sure he knows deep down what he did was wrong (which is why he artfully attempted to blame you), that is ofcourse unless he is a complete and certified sociopath...then he knows exactly what he did !