feeling miserable

[Momene]

Well I think at the Day of Judgement, it will be your boyfriend and his family who will have to explain their behaviour to God, not you.

 

To be swayed by his family in this way makes your man out to be a mouse.

 

Is murder legal there?

[SarahRose]

I am curious as to why his divorce isn't final? It has been 9 months. Did he really file for divorce? Does he have children with her?

[Momene]

It took 14 months to get my divorce, even though my ex wife admitted adultery.

[lauragutierrez]

do you mean it took you 14 months to get divorce by the church or divorce at the court?

 

does anyone know if his wife could oppose divorce? in Australia the only thing that they take into account to get the divorce is that they have been living apart for 12 months and there is no way back together. They have been separated for nearly 2 years but I have the feeling she will want to oppose the divorce.

[Managor]

does anyone know if his wife could oppose divorce? in Australia the only thing that they take into account to get the divorce is that they have been living apart for 12 months and there is no way back together. They have been separated for nearly 2 years but I have the feeling she will want to oppose the divorce.

 

You should be able to talk about something like that with him, she may or may not be opposing the divorce, none of us could say that.

 

I apologise for sounding crude, but to be honest I think what you should be worried about most is why you're still there - There are so many reasons you should get up and leave, and you're still looking for some hope or justification for why he's hidden you and treated you like crap for almost a whole year. I think it's time to accept that staying here may be pointless, you need to get back to your own life instead of waiting in limbo for a miracle.

[Momene]

do you mean it took you 14 months to get divorce by the church or divorce at the court?

 

does anyone know if his wife could oppose divorce? in Australia the only thing that they take into account to get the divorce is that they have been living apart for 12 months and there is no way back together. They have been separated for nearly 2 years but I have the feeling she will want to oppose the divorce.

 

Legally. Annulments from the church take ages. I didn't go through with it.

[Hope75]

I apologise for sounding crude, but to be honest I think what you should be worried about most is why you're still there - There are so many reasons you should get up and leave, and you're still looking for some hope or justification for why he's hidden you and treated you like crap for almost a whole year. I think it's time to accept that staying here may be pointless, you need to get back to your own life instead of waiting in limbo for a miracle.

 

I completely agree with Managor on this one. It seems you continue to look for reasons to justify waiting it out and staying with him, when it seems blatently obvious to those reading that the one and only choice is to leave him and get your life back.

 

You seem to agree with other posters when they mention this, and yet, mention no plans of leaving, and continue to try and make sense of what he's doing so that you can stay.

 

Laura, what are you going to do? are you going to stay? are you going to set a time line for him to change, and give him that time, then leave? or are you going to decided that right now, enough is enough, and leave him?

[lauragutierrez]

yes, you are all right. There has never been a time when I read any of the posts and I have disagreed. I am here like an idiot thinking about divorce and the wife opposing when the fact is that I haven't been treated right and that is all what should count. I still worry about him when at this stage the only one I should care is about myself. I already gave so much and I seriously believe that I deserve to take care of myself and forget about him. Talking here to people and seeing what others think has helped me a lot. As I said I don't know anyone here where I live and although I talk a lot to my family over the phone it is always good to have opinions from outside.

 

I honestly feel that I am coming closer and closer to leave. Things take time and although I might not leave tomorrow I clearly see how I am getting closer and closer and putting deadlines to leave. What I mean is that now I feel much more ready to leave than I was for example 3 weeks ago. I am seeing things much clearer.

 

Yes, you are all right.

[Hope75]

Hi Laura,

 

I'm glad to see that you are at least thinking of yourself and what you deserve, and considering making a deadline to get out of there. Personally, for me, I never would have allowed this to go on as long as it did, but I understand that everyone is different and has to go through this at their own pace.

 

Just know that you do deserve a man who treats you like a queen, is proud to show you off to his friends, doesn't hide behind his wife and the church as a reason to keep you hidden like some dirty secret, and who shows you how much he cares every day by treating you with love, respect, kindness and consideration.

 

I hope you will keep us updated on your situation.

[Batya33]

I am sorry you are in this situation. Did you know he was a married man (i.e. not yet formally divorced) when you moved? Why did you decide to move in with him instead of getting your own place and a job? You've gotten a lot of sympathy here and I agree with the other posters. Now for a little tough love - stop the pity party, and use the energy you expend feeling sorry for yourself to either take the necessary steps to leave or to figure out why you are getting in your own way of leaving - what is stopping you from doing what is best for you? The answer "because I love him" won't cut it - he is a married man, still committed to someone else and thereforeeee he cannot commit to you. Even when he is divorced, it seems so messy and complicated that you will need to stay away for a significant period of time - I mean the better part of a year if not more.

[lauragutierrez]

I knew he wasn't still divorced but we both agreed in moving together. I thought he was the type of person that is separated, he had chosen to be with me and for me that is what counts. Divorced or not yet, what counts is that in your heart you have left go off the past and if you have chosen to be with someone new you are going to give them the best. Of course I didn't know anything about the way I was going to stay here before I came. I didn't know I wasn't going to be able to pick up the phone and I didn't know no one was meant to know about our relationship. Of course, if I had known all that I wouldn't have come here.

 

For me, many people get separated and divorced and they start with some one else and they don't hide them or are ashamed or guilty to be with them. I thought this was the case here.

 

Basically, they had the property settlement in court which is finished by now and he has filed for divorce. I thought that is it but to my surprise he says that at this stage he can't change the situation and that is what he can offer me. I understood that while the property settlement was taking place maybe he could be under pressure and maybe the wife could even make things worse for him for money matters if she found out that he was with some one else but the fact is that everything should be more than ok by now. My point is that I can see this situation lasting forever with no change at all. And in fact the longer it goes the worse because I am not taking it anymore. At the beginning it worked because I kept on accepting everything but now it is different because I am saying enough is enough.

 

I spent one year talking over the phone with him. He came to Spain to see me for 6 weeks and then I came to Australia. It is two years since I am involved with this person. If after two years he can't change things I can't wait any longer for him.

[Momene]

He just seems totally abnormal to me. If you couldn't come over to live with him openly, he should never have invited you.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Good, you has make your decision, you just have to execute it.

 

I hope the very best for you.

[Batya33]

Actually no I disagree with you. If someone is legally married it doesn't matter what's in his heart -legally, he belongs to someone else and is legally committed to someone else. You are the mistress. What matters is his actions, not his feelings. If he is still married - which he is - then he hasn't taken the actions yet to get a divorce and commit to you - if that is because he is waiting for the divorce that's fine. Wait until his divorce is final for at least a year - obviously he is still entangled with his wife in several ways - and then if you are still interested and both are available, live in the same city on your own, get a job and see where it takes you.

 

How would you like it if you had a significant other or a spouse who said that his priority was his feelings, not his commitment to you which meant that he could go outside the marriage and be with someone else? Force yourself as much as possible to face reality and don't focus on these abstract feelings that are irrelevant given the situation that (1) he is married; (2) you are depending on him for a place to live; and (3) he is not committed to you because he is committed to his wife.

[Managor]

Actually no I disagree with you. If someone is legally married it doesn't matter what's in his heart -legally, he belongs to someone else and is legally committed to someone else. You are the mistress. What matters is his actions, not his feelings. If he is still married - which he is - then he hasn't taken the actions yet to get a divorce and commit to you - if that is because he is waiting for the divorce that's fine. Wait until his divorce is final for at least a year - obviously he is still entangled with his wife in several ways - and then if you are still interested and both are available, live in the same city on your own, get a job and see where it takes you.

 

Taking this into consideration:

 

He shouldn't have invited Laura into his home to live there.

He shouldn't be hiding her from his family.

He should still be caring for her and looking after her, like any other relationship, irrelevant of the legal situation between him and his wife/ex-wife.

 

If he is committed to sorting out things with his wife, that's good for him, but Laura should not have to wait there purposelessly for him to sort himself out. I don't think there is any justification for how she has been treated these last nine months.

[Batya33]

She chose to be there knowing he was legally committed to someone else and he is not her parent with obligations to take care of her. If he wasn't treating her properly, she always had and still has the choice to leave. Sure he may be acting jerky and she doesn't have to put up with that but he is not holding her hostage there and never told her he was single or unattached.

[Momene]

No but he MISLED her about the situation, intentionally or not.

[Batya33]

If I knew someone was not yet divorced - and that means "still married" - there is no possible way he could mislead me into believing that he could be committed to me. By definition, he could not be. She chose to move accross the world to be with a married man who could not commit to her at this time (or maybe not ever). Whether he told her the divorce would be final tomorrow, next year or next month doesn't matter. At the time she agreed, she agreed to be with a married man. Even if he had lied to her, that would be bad, yes, but typically there are ways to check into and verify marital status. And even so, she would have known shortly after she arrived and could have left that day or the next day. In addition, she chose to move in with a man without having her own financial independence. Again, her choice, nothing to do with him.

[Managor]

She could have left the next day, yes, we're not exactly arguing that here.

 

You're making it sound like she was supposed to anticipate this. No, there is no way she should have to have expected that she would be hidden from his parents and treated the way she has been. Whether or not you personally have a specific view of commitment to someone during a divorce is irrelevant, he was trying to get the legal aspects out of the way and I think that it would be reasonable to make the assumption that he could be committed to her. If you disagree, that's fine, but you should be able to see that other people's views on something like that can easily differ and in this case this is the case.

 

Also I don't see how this argument, or the fact that she may have made the wrong choice initially, which is what you're trying to argue, is going to help Laura.

[Batya33]

I think it helps a great deal for someone to stop focusing on being a victim/having a pity party and taking active steps to change a situation - particularly a situation that she chose in large part. As far as helping Laura I was simply responding to another poster's view with which I disagreed. What I think would help Laura very much is a small dose of "tough love" rather than sympathy. Sympathy is nice but won't change things. The more she focuses on victimhood the less action she will be compelled or motivated to take.

 

I still don't see how a married man can make any type of romantic commitment to another woman but we can agree to disagree.

[RayKay]

Laura,

 

I just came accross this thread now, but I have to say...you need to toughen up, and get out of there. He is not going to change. I don't entirely believe his reasons for hiding you, but I will say that the very fact he IS hiding you shows me his intents with you are not out of pure love and respect.

 

If he did love you, he WOULD be proud of you and regardless of what his family or friends said, or church said for that matter, he would show you off to the world. If he really is that concerned about church, he would not have invited you in the first place!

 

While I am not in the "identical situation" when my boyfriend and I moved in together it was early on and we knew some would question it, but regardless we knew WE were doing the right thing for us, and once we showed that to others, they saw it too. We are proud to introduce one another to friends, family and make it public we area couple. If it was any different, I too would question his commitment.

 

Sorry hon, but I don't think things are going to change. It's time you realize you deserve better for yourself and out of a partner and you end this relationship, pack up and move on (either back to your home country or elsewhere..). Don't let pride keep you stuck with someone whom clearly cannot and will not give you what you deserve.

[Little English Bloke]

get out and start afresh before its too late you said he doesn't care about you so go now.

 

You already left everything and one you cared about and that cared about you so leaving some one who doesn't care about you should be a bit easier

[lauragutierrez]

Divorced, separated or single there is never an excuse to hurt people. I didn't come here knowing all the facts. In fact, I didn't know any of the facts. I know many people separated or divorced and when they choose to be with someone else they don't do to them what he did to me. This is not a matter about your civil status. This is an issue about loving the person you are with or not. If you do love them, you don't hide them, you don't put everything else before the person, you don't lie, you don't mess up with them, you don't ask them to keep on waiting for things to happen when you know they will never happen.

 

What he did is something that only hypocrit people do. He just wanted to have the best out of everything. He wears one mask in front of the church, another in front of his family, another in front of me. I wouldn't dare to do that to anyone, not just someone I am in a relationship with. I am talking further than relationship level. I am talking about human being level for the shake of respect.

 

The only thing I knew is that he had to finish things at a legal level and I understood that, I always did and that is why I was waiting for that to be finished. That is why I accepted not to answer the phone. Because I knew that if her ex found out that he was with someone else she could make things even worse for financial issues. But all that finished and to my surprise I found out about the whole lot about church and what not. It is only then when I realised that this would never finish. Sorry, he never told me I would have to wait all my life for a church to decide so that I can be free. He didn't tell me that. he didn't tell me I would live in a house hidden and not being able to pick up the phone.

 

I think that if I was going to bring someone all the way from the other side of the world knowing this I would warn them before coming. That has nothing got to do about being divorced or not. That is about HONESTY.

[Hope75]

Laura,

 

I don't think any of us could have said it any better than you in your last post. Now, with this information... what are you going to do about this?

[Batya33]

My question remains - now that you do know all of this, why not take action and move forward instead of focusing on yourself as a victim and him as the bad guy? I am still surprised at your passivity - you chose not to find out more information, you chose to move there without a place to live or financial independence, and you are still there months after knowing all of the facts. Please ask yourself why you are not taking action and removing yourself from the situation - instead of pointing a finger at him and saying it is all his fault ask yourself why you would do such a thing to yourself - stay there in this situation - now that you know the facts.

 

Sure, of course what he did was wrong but that doesn't help you move forward now. Perhaps in the future you will decide not to move far away to be with someone who is still married - perhaps not. Right now, why not focus on what you can do to remove yourself from the situation. Feeling sorry for yourself is not equivalent to taking action. I know you know that. Good luck.