Devastated

[lostNspace]

I am so confused and could really use some advice. Part of me already knows what advice I'm going to receive, but I just need to hear it from a 3rd party.

 

I started dating someone about a year and a half ago. Neither of us were really looking to date anybody - we just happened to meet thru a business relationship. I've been divorced 6 years. He's been divorced 3. We both have kids at home. When we first started dating, he told me that he had not dated since his divorce. I had only dated one person since mine, and it wasn't really serious at all.

 

Well, fast forward. I have felt that he has been "pulling away" over the past few months and had suspected that he was seeing someone else, or interested in seeing other people (whether it was a specific individual he had already met or not, I didn't speculate on). I talked to him about it (we've had one argument in the past year and a half - we communicate very well - or so I thought). He stated that he had no interest in dating other people.

 

We go out at least once a week, talk every evening. The kids get along great. Sometimes we go out alone. Sometimes we take the kids.

 

He tells me he cares for me (has never used the "L" word, though) and does not want to break up. Every time I have ever needed a favor, he's been right there. He does the little things that so many guys overlook. He tells me he's happy in the relationship.

 

He is aware that I am looking for something long-term...something that will lead to marriage. He has told me that he feels like he wants the same thing, but he can't commit at this time...that because of his ex-wife, he has trust issues. I don't buy that explanation, but I don't argue with him over it either.

 

Because I was suspicious that he was going out with other people (or at least looking), I started looking at dating sites to see if I could find his profile. Lo and behold. He's registered on just about every one out there. Most of them have registration dates (well, the ones that show you how long someone has been a member) of well before we met. I can't fault him for that. I know after I got divorced, I went to a few sites as well. However, on two that I've come accross, he has visited recently (you guys know what I'm talking about - that "active in the last.........days/hours" part.

 

Well, I asked him about the dating sites, and he denied having profiles on them and ever joining any of them. Had he told me the truth, I wouldn't have cared, but it's the lie that hurts the most.

 

Without going into great detail on any particular event, over the course of the past 6 months or so, he's made little slips in conversation. Contradicting himself. Telling me he was one place and then later, in another conversation, tell me another. In other words, having a hard time keeping his story straight.

 

I love him to death. We have sooooooooo much in common that it's unreal. He and I connected at "first sight." His kids love me. I love them. He loves mine. They love him. We get along well. Have a ton of fun together.

 

What I don't understand is why he is lying about it? Is it to protect me from the hurt that he knows would come with it? Is it to keep him from looking bad? One would think that, being either one, that once I confronted him about it, he would stop. Well, he hasn't. Not only has he not, but he has a date this weekend. He is not aware that I know about his date.

 

When we are together, he goes on like nothing is any different. But, I know the truth. He's not in this for my money. Not hanging around just for the sex. He's not using me in any way at all for his gain. I have babysat for him a few times, but he has never asked. I have offered. I don't understand why he keeps me around if he's not interested. I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that he is in fact dating other people, and a harder time accepting the fact that he lied to me about it. Had he not lied, I would have probably accepted him going out with other people (although I admit I still would have been hurt).

 

What do I do?

 

1. Break up with him and not really get into any explanation as to why

2. Break up with him and tell him exactly why and exactly what "proof" I have that he is interested in other people.

3. Patiently wait it out

4. Keep him in my life, but only as a friend

5. Ignore it and pretent I don't see the truth

6. Tell him I think we need a separation for awhile

7. Confront him with it one more time and see what he says

 

I'm truly lost. Hurt. Devastated.

[Momene]

Well if he still has trust issues because of his ex-wife after 18 months, I don't hold out a lot of hope.

 

Confront him about the date. He owes you that.

[lostNspace]

I really don't think he truly has trust issues with his ex-wife. I've never met or spoken to her, and neither he nor the kids really talk about her. I think his "trust issue" thing is just an excuse. According to him, she cheated on him, and then a few years later, up and filed for divorce with no warning. Of course, there are always two sides to each story. So, it could completely be the other way around for all I know.

[Momene]

Just confront him and I wish you courage.

[Sad_now]

It seems he does not want to commit. If that is the case, you need to back off before you get in even deeper and emotionally even more involved. It sounds as if he likes you alot, but may not be in love with you. Otherwise why would he even look for other options? I am really sorry to have to say this, but you should try and disengage from this relationship if something 'light' is not what you are after. XX

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

Well, the way I see it is that you have already confronted him about the dating sites (concrete evidence), and he denied it and lied about it once, and is continuing to do so. I don't really see what a second confrontation is really going to do for you except give you more lies, and how would you be able to trust what he said, anyway? You've got the proof you need.

 

He told you in the past that there was no one else, that he was not interested in anyone else, but he is on these dating sites, active, and has a date for this weekend.

 

I'm a big advocate for paying attention to a person's actions. Look around on this site and you will see I offer the same advice about watching actions to alot of other posters here. Why? Because it is where his true intentions lie. Paying attention to a person's actions has never steered me wrong. The guy is out there looking and dating other people. He's never told you that he loves you, after 18 months of dating, sharing outings with your kids together, sex and all the intimacy that comes along with it, and a great friendship. Girl, he is not interested in commiting to you.

 

If it's because of his wife, because he hasn't been single and wants to enjoy that life, because he fears considering marriage again because his first failed, because although he enjoys spending time with you and likes you, "that feeling" has just never been there for him, the end result is the same- no commitment for you, and now lies. I could respect if he'd told you from the beginning that this would be casual and that he wanted to see other people, but instead he has blatantly lied about it when confronted , and continues to do so. Any man who does that does not show respect, something every person deserves in a relationship.

 

The way I see it is this: You say you want something serious, something that could potentially lead to marriage. Your actions follow suit with that. He says he agrees, but won't commit to you, is dating other people, and is lying to you about that. Sound like a good match?

 

No... ouch...I'm sorry, it doesn't. Girl, you have made it clear what you are looking for, and he has shown you that he's not looking for the same thing. After 18 months he's still not getting any closer. I think it's time for you to accept your losses and end the relationship. You want more, you deserve more, but this man is just not willing or interested in the same thing you want.

 

Seems like a dead end situation to me.

[Entomon]

Your story parallels mine. The fact you know about his date this weekend is enough evidence that he is indeed dating/seeing other people and lying to you about it. Let me guess, the date he's going to see this coming weekend is you under an assumed alias you initiated contact with him through one of the online dating sites?

 

Don't confront him. Things can get ugly. Just tell him you need a break and tell him why - not accusing him of cheating but that you feel you two just need some space to sort feelings and prioritize what's important in both of your lives. Believe me, I've just recently been in a similar situation and the outcome when you confront a lying man is not good. Since he's already given you enough grief, he's not the right man for you and certainly not a good role model for your children. Learn to let go and move on with your life. I know it's easier said than done but it can be done.

 

Keep us updated on your decision.

[BellaDonna]

Of the options you listed, I think the best one is:

 

2. Break up with him and tell him exactly why and exactly what "proof" I have that he is interested in other people.

 

I would add to that "Then begin No Contact".

 

You don't need to put up with a liar or someone who does not want the same things you do in a relationship.

 

 

BellaDonna

[lostNspace]

Thanks guys. I pretty much already knew the answer, but just needed it reinforced. I live in a very small town where everybody knows everybody else's business. I didn't really want to air my dirty laundry to people around here. Living in a small town is also how I know about his date. It's not me in disguise - it's a legit date that he has. I honestly thought about pulling that (signing up on a dating service and "trapping" him), but decided it wasn't worth the effort.

 

We are going out tonight. So, I may be back here later looking for a shoulder to cry on.

 

I know I deserve better. I know I want more. Just not sure how to find it, if that makes sense. Again - small town. And, I'm a bit skeptical on the internet dating game.

 

I'm a big advocate for paying attention to a person's actions.

 

I agree 100%. I guess that's the hard part. Aside from this one issue, all of his actions indicate that he is interested. But then again, sometimes I think he's trying too hard to convince me of how much he "cares" for me by all the little things he does. Now I know why.........it's to cover up the rest of it.

[Hope75]

Hi LostNSpace,

 

So you are going to go out with him tonight?

 

What are you planning to do?

[lostNspace]

Just dinner. Nothing major. This has been planned since last week. We can talk there, here, or in the car. I may as well get a free meal out of it and not have to cook dinner.

 

As long as I don't chicken out, I plan on telling him it's over. I'm not going to accuse him of anything or even bring up the rest of it. I'm just going to tell him it's over. If he asks why, then I'll tell him, but otherwise, I think a simple "it's over" is sufficient. He knows the truth already (that he's interested in other peope) - he doesn't need me to convince him of that fact - he already knows it.

[yeawutever]

Tell him what you have just found and if he becomes defensive, then he's lying, thus you can then break up after that.

[Hope75]

Just dinner. Nothing major. This has been planned since last week. We can talk there, here, or in the car. I may as well get a free meal out of it and not have to cook dinner.

 

As long as I don't chicken out, I plan on telling him it's over. I'm not going to accuse him of anything or even bring up the rest of it. I'm just going to tell him it's over. If he asks why, then I'll tell him, but otherwise, I think a simple "it's over" is sufficient. He knows the truth already (that he's interested in other peope) - he doesn't need me to convince him of that fact - he already knows it.

 

How did it go?

 

Did you tell him?

[lostNspace]

Well, I told him. And, of course he denies all. I'm trying the no contact thing, which I have to admit, isn't all that easy. So, whenever I feel the urge to pick up the phone and call him, I'll come "chat" with you guys.

[ninjagirl]

I'm sure that can't have been easy, but good for you for standing up for yourself. While the comfort of a relationship can be hard to wean ourselves off of, we deserve to have someone who is just as excited and appreciative of the relationship as we are--and they are out there. Someone going behind your back is just a sign that screams that this person can't be someone who you should be long-term with. With my guy, I got comfortable and started ignoring the red flags. Beware of complacency.

 

Sometimes people, especially negative or hurt people. get "blocked" and can't see the good things they have before them. They think meeting the right person will take all of their problems away, when in fact it's up to them to work on their own happiness. They're the ones who are unhappy, not you. So if this guy doesn't appreciate what he has, you were right to cut him loose...because someone out there _will_ have his eyes open.

[lostNspace]

Thanks ninja. I actually posted on your thread the other day. Was a warning that you were headed in this direction. LOL! The similarities are amazing.