Please help, I'm totally losing it :(

[chigal28]

I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

 

I feel like nothing I do or say is right, that I'm always being judged, and that any of my friends could decide to just stop being my friend or distance themselves at any time. I'm not secure in anything!!!!!!

 

I get along with the people at work, but I'm not part of their crowd--I feel isolated and alone when I'm here. I feel isolated and alone at home because my roommates are now best friends with each other and don't even think about me. I have friends who live in the suburbs, but they have their own lives and I always have to take the initative in making plans. None of my family lives anywhere near me. So, basically I feel isolated and alone the majority of the time.

 

I HATE my life, and I don't want to hate my life!!!! I've always been a fun, positive, upbeat person, and I just don't feel like that anymore. Half the time I'm either crying or feel like crying--usually when I'm around other people. Oddly, when I'm alone, I'm fine and feel good about myself--which is the opposite of how it used to be. And oddly I've been in therapy for about 4 months already, and this has started since then.

 

My boyfriend is wonderful and supportive, and makes me feel so good about myself, as does one of my best female friends who lives in the city, but as much as I LOVE hanging out with them and talking to them, it scares me that they're two of the only people who make me feel secure and happy. I have about a half-dozen other girlfriends and one good guy friend I've known for years, who I can call to chat with, and a number of other acquaintances, but I feel like people always find some reason NOT to hang out with me and spend time with me. I make new friends easily, but the new friendships tend to fizzle out quickly. I'm never enough for people.

 

When I think about my bf's and my future together, I feel really happy and excited, but then I realize the rest of my life sucks and I expect that to start sucking anytime.

 

I am sitting here at work typing this and almost crying. I just want to move away (preferably with the boyfriend, who's open to the idea) and start all over. I know this is sick, but there are times when I want to get really sick, or get in a horrible car accident to see who would notice and care.

 

I just want to feel loved and valued and I have no idea how. I know I have to love and value myself, but the thing is, I DO!!!!! I just can't handle the constant rejection by other people.

 

Please help. I need help.

[robowarrior]

I could see in one blink of an eye what your doing wrong. Your constantly trying to find justification of your existence with others. How about being your own judge,jury and executor in life instead? You are giving away the power of your life where it doesn't belong, namely into the hands of others, those who are inconsiderate of your feelings, and of who you should not give a fawk of how they think about you. LOVE , SUPPORT, and BELIEVE in yourself ,and BRING back the power of your life back to where it belongs, namely into your OWN hands. Otherwhise you'll only resemble a log falling from a waterfall into the abyss. Think for yourself, or you will put your life in someone elses hands as you are doing now, so again bring back the power of your life into your own hands.

 

Life is what you make it, and nothing in the universe will make you happy exept loving and helping other people for that also is the meaning of life.

[Lady Bugg]

Chigal....I totally relate. I replied to your last post, and I see a lot of myself in your posts.

 

I'm a pretty private person, but part of me wants to be "out there' you know? I work in a very sociable field but yet when I leave work I tend to be to myself a lot.

 

I also think I see rejection where there really is none. I believe this is something that goes way way back from when I was a little girl and I was ridiculed relentlessly by my so called "friends" That in addition to my home life but that's another story.. Have you ever had a traumatic episode in your life you can remember? Be it a friend, or family member that may have rejected you? It is those early experiences that will stick to you the most, and you may be subconsciously pushing poeple away or keeping people at arms length . I know I used to have a habit of gaining people's "aprroval"..especially if they reminded me of someone who rejected me before. Does any of this sound familiar? This sounds like a much deeper issue than just not being able to find friends.

 

PM me if you like..