Strange "intentions" - need your views

[perry22]

The background is that my wife got to know a guy through her part time school 8 months back (we were not married yet). They started going out but she decided to break all contacts before things went out of control.

 

I found this out only 2 months ago by accident (after we got married) and confronted her about this. Her story was that she said she felt swayed by that guy so decided to stop all contact since she still wanted to be with me. She claimed that the only thing they did was only to hold hands although I was not sure since I saw the messages from the guy saying that he wanted to "eat" her. She has been very firm that she did not betray me to that extent and she said she would have left me if she had done it with him.

 

I have since forgiven her about that matter but have since been on high alert. The story move to the present (she has definitely broke all contact with that guy) that she has a co-worker (in the same team) in her previous job that they got along very well. She has left the job about 2 months back and currently is taking things easy since she is 5 months into her pregnancy.

 

Also I need to add that my wife is a relatively moody person (or gets moody very easily) with low self esteem and keeps things to herself. She has the tendency to filter out certain things she tell me for motivations known to her only eg to avoid me getting upset etc

 

As I have been on high alert, I snooped on her sometimes. I knew I should not and I felt * * * *ty everytime I do it. But now I really feel that I do not know what kind of person I am with . I know this sounded crazy but the fact is that she is currently pregnant and also we are already married. Let's say I spy on her out of desperation trying to know what the path might be leading to.

 

I have found out that around once /twice a week, the co-worker maintained contact with her via email or mobile texts. I kept things quiet since they appear to be talking more about office stuff. 2 weeks back he called her up on her mobile and they spoke for more than an hour. Naturally I did not feel very comfortable about this but I let it go. However the thing that triggered me to be very upset was that she maintained that all this while since she has left the job, they had only email each other twice whereas actually there must be more than 10 going around. Obviously I could not confront her since I did not want to let her know that I knew what was going on.

 

The event put me on even higher alert. A few events have made me wonder her intention.

 

1. He told her that he went for dinner with some co-workers at some location. In her reply, she mentioned about a posh restaurant in that area that she was aware of and provided him with the URL. Said that this restaurant is slightly on the pricey side so she uses it for special occasions like birthdays/anniversaries only. The puzzling thing is that she search for this restaurant from some general search page before replying to him with the URL. I am very sure she does not know of this restaurant before.

 

2. She received some snacks from her mum who sent from another state. Happened that that weekend he went to another state to visit his girlfriend (yes he has one so that's what she told me). He mentioned about him being away for the weekend in an email to her before he left. In her reply, she mentioned that because he was away, she could not sent some of the snacks to him. If she receive the snacks again, she will be sure to send some to him.

 

3. In the same email to him, she provided another URL to a posh restaurant which we saw on TV. and I suggested to her that we try to reserve and go. In this email, she ask him his opinion about this restaurant and for his comments if he is aware of it.

 

The above 3 events might be trivial but I seem to feel that she is suggesting to him indirectly of meeting up / trying to maintain closeness? Or is she trying to maintain her self esteem (she has low self esteem) that she is also in the same type of league as far as social life is concerned.

 

I need some insight into this. I have been quite a broken man since all my spying activities and I know I am doing something very low. The thing is I seem to be trying to find some evidence to throw to her to have her open the lid on what's going on. There are many times I think of walking out of this marriage after her lying /covering up as I felt it was pointless since I gave problem trusting her. However she is carrying the baby and I would feel gulity if I just end it without having some concrete evidence thrown at her face.

 

Thanks for coming this far...

[melrich]

OK. I can only give you my first impressions and gut feel. I think you are reading too much into this at the moment.

 

I think maybe your wife likes the attention she is getting (the big noting is perhaps an indicator of this) but she seems to know the boundaries at the moment.

 

It's time for you to start paying more attention to your wife. Get some romance happening.

[perry22]

I think maybe your wife likes the attention she is getting (the big noting is perhaps an indicator of this) but she seems to know the boundaries at the moment.

 

It's time for you to start paying more attention to your wife. Get some romance happening.

 

Hi Melrich,

 

Thanks for your reply. Sorry I did not get the part about the indicator. Can you elaborate more?

 

In fact I gave all my time outside of my work to her. Does my share of cooking/household chores. She always say that she loves me but she seems to be getting on well with this ex co-worker.

 

Frankly I am worried about an emotional affair kicking in that leads to worst consequences in the future.... woman like her with low self esteem can be an easy prey to some....

 

I felt like I am running out of steam ....

[melrich]

Sorry I did not get the part about the indicator. Can you elaborate more?

 

If she's big noting about restaurants she's never been too it's probably a sign she wants acceptance from this person.

 

Does my share of cooking/household chores.

 

No, no, no. Buy her flowers. Take her out to dinner. Give her intimate massages. Tell her she is beautiful. Tell her you love her.

 

Pregnancy is a difficult time for some women. They may start to feel they are no longer attractive. She may be seeking validation that she is not getting from you.

[perry22]

If she's big noting about restaurants she's never been too it's probably a sign she wants acceptance from this person.

 

No, no, no. Buy her flowers. Take her out to dinner. Give her intimate massages. Tell her she is beautiful. Tell her you love her.

 

Hi Melrich,

 

It makes sense that she wants acceptance from this person. But if this person is not someone she views differently, why does she bother? Is this some sign of emotional attachment towards that guy?

 

And in fact, I have been doing everything in your list right from the beginning of our relationship, stretching thru to the time she almost jump in with the guy from her part time study course. That's why the shock and blow was so great when I learnt of the "close" shave that took place 8 months back.

 

On top of helping out with household chores, I gave her flowers, cards writing sweet little messages, text her on the mobile during my lunch time at work, take her out for meals (but she does not want me to spend money taking her to posh expensive places and always insisted we save up for the baby and future), I gave her massages before her current state of pregnancy when she could lie on her tummy without discomfort, I rub and touch her tummy everyday saying how beautiful she is etc, how much I love her etc.... all this happened to be in my nature I guessed.

 

But what is shocking and very discouraging is that despite all these things being done, there seems to be still something missing. I could not make her open herself up enough to me it seems.... she said this is something about her upbringing and maybe it takes time. She felt undeserving and unworthy sometimes despite how much assurance I have given her and how much encouragement I have given her. Life with her seems like a rollercoaster ride to me sometimes and I see myself losing sleep and losing weight over all these things I am seeing....

 

I felt that her lack of self esteem is going to be a big threat to our relationship especially if people knows how to play it right with her. Sometimes I felt that maybe I spoilt her right from the beginning? If I switched off a bit towards her, she is usually able to detect it and want me to tell her what is bothering me. So far, I have kept my findings closely to myself and at times it is killing me slowly inside.... I enjoyed the World Cup for as long as I start watching soccer but this world cup has been a nightmare for me.... most of the time, my eyes are on the TV but my mind is elsewhere..... I am just not enjoying my life now anymore....

 

The ironic thing is that I sometimes hope to find some dodgy stuff between them that gives both of us this valid reason to walk out of this marriage without feeling the guilt.

 

Sorry for ranting out in this forum but some of you who has been in my situation can probably understand the helplessness I am in.

[melrich]

It's great you are doing all that. And like I said, my first reading was that this is probably not something to panic about. Is she lonely? Does she have other friends outside your marriage?

[perry22]

It's great you are doing all that. And like I said, my first reading was that this is probably not something to panic about. Is she lonely? Does she have other friends outside your marriage?

 

She moved from her state to stay with me about a year ago. She does not have friends here but again the opportunity was there but she choses not to. So far the 2 friends would seem to be the "close-shaved" guy from her part time course whom she does not contact now, and this ex co-worker who she is keeping in constant touch with.

 

She had other opportunities to know other people eg. other would-be mothers from her maternity classes organised by the hospital but she seems to pass by those opportunities. I even try to take her to occasional company informal dinners so as to let her meet some of my office ladies but again she passed by the invitation.

 

As far as I know she texts some of her friends from her state once in a while (or they text her). She keeps assuring me she is not feeling lonely and she is getting enough time from me. I finish work and go home to be with her and it sometimes hurt that this is not enough and to make matters worst she does not tell me (she always say everyting is ok). She said she is looking forward to the arrival of the baby and life for her now is very fulfilling and she is satisfied. With the known habit of her telling white lies, I am not sure I should believe her or not.... the secretive emails and also those supposedly "attention seeking" gestures are suggesting something still not right?

[perry22]

This is becoming crazy cos with reference to point #2 stated on my first post about sending the snacks to the guy, this is not just casual talk cos I found out she was trying to purchase the same snacks from some auction site!!

 

She is definitely not purchasing it for the home since the pack sent from her mum was still intact.....

 

The good thing is when I came home tonight she was already asleep (I had a company dinner). I would have look horrible to her knowing what she is trying to do.... the hardest part later is to try to fall asleep on the same bed with her next to me.....

[perry22]

I can confirm that the snacks were indeed for that guy. Even though I was mentally preparing myself that this is the case, having it confirmed kind of shattered me completely inside.

 

Some of you might think that it is just a gesture between friends but I seriously doubt so. It would appear that she is making her move to be closer to him, for motivations known to her only.

 

For me, only for a love one will I go out of the way to make purchases of gift etc. If he is just a friend, there is no need to offer to send the snacks and then actually go out of the way to purchase it online and send it to him. I would do it for a person if I think of her in a close way. One way of another, there is already some emotional attachment and how this leads on will also depends on how the guy wants to play the game.

 

I have been feeling very down these few days and she noticed it. Since I was always the bubbly one at home and making all the conversations. I felt that she was a little detached from me as well but she insisted that it was due to my moodiness. She said that it seems like my love for her has dropped these few days and it worried her.

 

We had a general chat about us and she actually said that she felt she was not trying hard enough in this relationship. She said she pondered/reflect a lot about things she has done but not told me about. During bed time I was lying awake pondering my options of whether to tell her what I am aware or not. She knew I was deep in thought and she was having her own difficulty falling asleep too. I asked her if she wanted to tell me what she had reflected on but she said no. The night ended this way...

 

Some may think that I over-reacted over a trivial matter but the thing is that this could potentially be the second time the same thing happened within a year. I personally have lost the confidence of whether this relationship has any future. Her behaviour has killed off a lot of me.... the only thing now I feel for is the baby.

 

My head tells me that ending this relationship is probably to the best interest for both of us but my heart feels jammed due to the birth of the baby in 5 months' time. Sometimes it makes me wonder what I have done to deserve all this.... I have been playing my role to the best I could as a boyfriend/husband and then future father....

[caro33]

Hi Perry,

 

Sorry you are going through this, and I have some understanding of how you feel from my own situation. However, I beg you, tell her what is going on with you. You are stewing over this to a degree that may be completely unwarranted.

 

You know what? She might be bored and/or lonely! I would be deadly bored if I was at home all day, and I am prone to doing 'research' if I am bored - that is, favours for friends, cruising websites etc. I can absolutely imagine going to the effort to do things for some person I have no strong feeling for just because it would give me something to do and help me to feel useful. In fact I do that on a regular basis anyway b/c my current job is very quiet.

 

Perhaps she doesn't want to bother you because she feels you are busy and trying hard? Perhaps she has her own doubts and fears about the baby she is scared about sharing with you? I know you've asked, but she might be trying to put on a brave face. You never know, your own recent reactions to her (shutting her out etc) might also be triggering her own concerns.

 

I'm not saying this couldn't develop into an emotional affair - really, any interaction between people who have the capacity to make a 'connection' has that potential. But from what you've said, it doesn't sound like that right now. In fact, if you continue to seethe quietly and don't discuss things with her you might even be pushing her in that direction.

 

You married her, you made a commitment. Surely that involves speaking with her openly and honestly about your feelings and concerns and then evaluating what to do from her response. If you're not happy talking about emotions try doing it through a counsellor or third party.

 

And like I said, I do understand, my fiance had an ongoing, very close, relationship with his recent ex-g'f, where he called her all the time, even sent her flowers on the sly for her birthday. I spent most of the last year freaking out about this, and with a history of boyfriends cheating on me with their exes, i wasn't likely to view his behaviour too positively. But whatever it all meant, I finally got up the nerve to talk about it. A lot. I really gave it to him. And while what I just wrote about his behaviour LOOKS bad, you know what? I actually have nothing to worry about. My obsessed brain keeps going on about it, but intellectually I know there was nothing going on. I wonder whether I would be less screwed up about it now if I had spent less time stewing, snooping, and imagining the worst and more time just holding myself and him to account on the issue.

 

She was a bit silly with her behaviour 8 months ago, but she did the right thing by breaking it off before it got truly damaging. And it's not the same guy now. It sounds like you are over-reacting to the current situation b/c of your hurt about the last time.

 

Please talk about it, and good luck.

[Rabican]

Does your wife know that you know about this friend? I think heres what I would do.

 

Just casually mention to your wife.. 'honey, I was thinking, if either of us ever had, or have friends of the other sex, I think we should be open about it and make sure we both know about said friend, what do you think?' See how she reacts. If she still doesnt come clean, (give it a few days) then you may have reason to worry. So far I would be more worried about the secrecy than anything that may have happened so far. If she continues to hide things from you then I would confront her about it. Just tell her how it makes you feel, you shouldnt be losing hair or sleep or weight over a problem like this. IF she really loves, or respects you when you present her with your feelings she should be more than willling to not be so "shady" about her friend(s).

 

Bottom line, SO's shouldnt be hiding things like guy friends or girl friends from their partner. If you have nothing to hide, then hide nothing. To do otherwise plants a seed that sprouts a very bad problem for the future.