Request for advice on reconciling with ex.

[iceman85]

Thats good to hear GSX, see your beginning to focus on yourself. Thats great!

 

Its so hard to remain cool and calm especially when your emotions are in overdrive. You have the right attitude about if she backs out of this one then oh well one of these days she will. Because if she backs out you may feel really awful when you shouldnt. Its her that doesnt value you like she should, and your very valuable and if she doesnt see that another woman will.

 

Just give it some time and do your best with just trying to see how things go, be willing to be open to other women, go out and have fun. Those will go a long way with keeping you going and making you feel like you should.

[96GSX]

Well...This morning comes along and she txt's me with "Happy 4th of July!...What do you have planned for today?" I wrote her back telling her I planned on going to the lake, but didn't know anymore, because the forcast called for scattered thunder storms." I then asked what time she was going to the city. She responded telling me that she wasn't going anymore, and that she was going to the lake too, and wanted to know if I would like to go. I told her I would.

 

So I drive there to meet her, and I come to find out...she actually invited me to see her whole family, as they were there, and it was a family picnic. I was kinda shocked, cuz, the last thing I would have expected from her was to have me show up to see her in front of her whole family...who I'm sure was surprised to see me, and most likely questioned her about it the moment I left.

 

So anyway, her mom is there, her brother, her nephew, her sis-inlaw shows up with her kids, and her mom. And things are going well. I notice that she's definitely paying attention to me, and what I'm paying attention to (I see her always looking at me in my peripheral vision, and if I'm looking somewhere else, she looks to see what I'm looking at), which made me feel good. She was always joking with me, and wherever she went, she wanted me to go with her (to the bathroom, to get some icecream, to the shops, to the car to get some money, etc).

 

And during a moment away from her, her sis-in-law comes up to me and says, "How did you happen to come here?" I said, "She invited me...surprising huh?" She said, "Yeah, I didn't expect that, but it's funny, cuz I was just talking about you to her not too long ago." I said, "yeah, what about?" She said, "I asked her how you were, and if she missed you at all. And she said, 'yeah, it's been hard trying to get over him, but I think I can do it."

 

Well...maybe I shouldn't read into this the way I am, but if she's still trying to get over me...I figure the last thing she'd want to do is invite me to hang out with her and her family.

 

Anyway, it started to rain at the lake so everyone packed up and got ready to go. She told me she wanted to go to the casino tonight and asked if I wanted to go. I told her I did, and asked her to call me later.

 

Well...later is now, and I txt'd her to see if she was still going. She called me and said she did want to go (just her and I this time). I told her where to meet me, and we'd go in her new car. And now I'm getting ready to head out. Wish me luck everyone, and let me know what your .02 is on today's events so far.

 

-hopeful

[sadk]

Sounds like things are going well. She's ambivalent right now. What that means is she could go either way. Your job is to not screw up. When someone is in relationship ambivalence, if you push them, they don't explore YOUR point of view (get back together). Instead because you are putting your point of view right in their face, they spend all their time exploring the opposing viewpoint.

 

Just have fun. If you have any doubts about what you should do, don't do it. You'll get a lot further by doing nothing than by doing almost anything. Do as little as possible, say as little as possible, and listen as much as possible. That's my advice.

 

Sean

[96GSX]

Well, she just called and said she had bad news, and that she couldn't go to the casino. She said she was getting ready and her mom asked where she was going and when she said the casino w/ (me), her mom said that she didn't want her to go. She said why, but I couldn't hear her and I didn't want to press the issue. So I said no worries, and maybe we could do it some other time.

 

Either she got cold feet, or the reason for cancelling is legit. She did sound upset about it, as opposed to when she called me to tell me she'd meet me in an hour. She said, "this sucks....I haven't been to the casino in a while."

 

I asked her what she was going to do instead, she said she had to stay home to take care of her nephew, and was probably just going to watch TV till she goes to sleep. I told her to call me if she gets bored or anything. She said okay, and we ended the conversation there.

 

Maybe her mom see's that all of a sudden my ex wants to spend lots of time with me, and is looking out for her. Who knows.

 

I'm gonna try not to let it get to me all that much. Afterall, I DID have a really good day with her.

 

Still could use everyone's .02 though. =)

[saltwatergirl]

How old is she?

 

Salt

[96GSX]

She is 22 and lives with her parents who rely on her to help pay for the mortgage and other things that the family needs. They are a poor family.

[96GSX]

Ok, so I keep in touch with her via txt during the week last week for the most part. I leave her a lone for most of thurs and fri. Then I txt her on Sat with a, "hey you, whats up?" She responds, "Not much, you? I'm at the beach right now." I told her I was getting ready to go see superman in 3D at the Imax theatre, she said, "Oh [blank]! It's today huh? I forgot." I said, "yeah, np. But I was wondering if you'd like to get some lunch tomorrow." She responded with "I think so."

 

I thought to myself, "I think so?...wt_ is that crud?" But I said, "Ok, cool, I'll call you later tonight.". Well I go see the movie, and once it's over, I txt her again, "You gotta see it, it was awesome." She wrote back, "I'm about to see Pirates 2, I'm actually in the theatre right now watching the previews." I said, "Nice, I want to see that too, let me know how it is." Well, my friend see's that I'm txting her and asks if he can txt her. I said sure. He said, "you don't mine? What do you want me to write?" I said, "I don't mind, you're my friend, and write whatever YOU want to write." He said, "wow, thats gutsy, but okay." So he txt'd her, "Mike's thinking about you." She responds immediately with, "reveal yourself". My friend starts laughing and is like, "Damn man, she's intimidating." So he tells her who he is, and wonders if she remembers him (we hung out together once). She txt's back saying she does remember him, and wants to know how he got her number. He tells her he got it from me. She responds with, "Is he with you?" He said yes. She then tried to call me, but I didn't hear it, and she txt'd him back, "I tried to call him." I saw that she did, and txt'd her back saying I was sorry I missed her call, but it was noisy where I was. I asked her whats up?" My friend then txt'd her saying how he can see it in me when he hangs out with me, how much I love her. She says, "what makes you say that?" And he writes, just that he was being honest, and how he has had a lot of friends and has known a lot of people who are of have been "in love" or loved someone, and out of all these people, none of them were as into theirs as much as I am into her.

 

She didn't respond to him after that, and then txt'd me with, "Hey, you up?" I wrote back, "Yeah I'm up, whats up?" She didn't respond.

 

Well the next day comes, and I txt her, "How was the movie last night?" She reponded, "It was good. Sorry about last night, I passed out." (we were txting eachother at like 4am). I told her it was all good, and asked if we were still on for lunch. She said, "Actually, I'm going to the beach right now, wanna go?" I told her I didn't feel like the beach all that much, but asked if she wanted to hang out later. She said she couldn't later. So I said, "Well, it's gonna take me about an hour to get home, would you still be up for lunch then?" She said, "Where at the beach?" I said, "wherever". She said, "k". Then about 30 min later, she txt's me again, "Is there something you need to talk to me about?" Thinking she was probably nervous about the whole love talk my friend had with her the night before, I wanted to calm her down a bit, and I said, "No, I just wanted to spend some time with you. Is something wrong? If you don't want to or don't have time, it's cool." She responded, "No, you can come if you want."

 

So I show up, and again to my surprise, it's not just her, but her whole family. They greeted me well, and made fun of me, cuz I showed up at the beach with pants and a black shirt, and the mood was good. I sat down a bit away from her, where her nephew was, and played with him for a while. She kept trying to get my attention with little things here and there, "How was the movie?" "Did you have fun in the city last night?" "Look!"(she spilled something). I pretty much gave her short answers, and continued to sit in the shade rather than next to her in the sun (afterall, I WAS in pants and a black shirt). Eventally she was like, "you can sit over here you know?" pointing to a spot on the blanket next to her. I said, "well...it's kinda hot, I'm wearing black, and I got shade here." She pointed to a small corner of the blanket that was in the shade and said, "Look, you can sit there, there's a little shade there." I laughed and was like, "well...there's a lot of shade here, and little over there...I think that the best choice is more shade." She laughed and said, "good strategy." I thanked her in agreement. She then said, well, there's no blanket there, and you're knees are going to get tired crouching like that after a while. I said, "well, then I'll sit down." She said, "well your pants are gonna get dirty then." I said, "well, I have to wash them anyway." She laughed, shook her head, and gave up. "Oookaaaaay."

 

I was pretty hungry at that point...having saved my appetite for the expected lunch with her, but I saw that she was going to continue to lay out in the sun, so I said, "Ok, I'm gonna go grab some grub." She said, "No don't got right now. I said, "Why?" She said, "Cuz, you gotta get me some too!" I said, we'll...c'mon. She said, "Gimme a few more minutes to cook, I gotta get dark." I said, "You're already a different race!" She laughed and said, no I need to be darker. I said, "Well, you sit there and cook yourself, I'm going to get some food, I'm hungry." She said, "Ok ok, I think I'm done anyway." She got up and came with me to the restaurant by the beach. We had good conversation. We joked, she vented to me about things that were bothering her. She made it a point after telling me how upset she was that her brother wasn't taking care of his 1 year old son very well and how she's more the mom than the real mom is, and she wishes she could take him for her own, because she's not going to be having her own kids for a "loooooong time", which she told me for the 2nd time. (Not sure if that means she's still single, or what. I'd like to think so). I started to see that the stuff she was venting about was bringing her down, so I said, "Lets change the subject, you're starting to steam over this stuff." She smiled and I said, "DIPPIN DOTS!!!" She loves them, so we finished our lunch, and went to get some Dippin Dots. I got her what she likes, and we started walking back towards her family. There was more joking and making fun of eachother on the way. Seemed all good.

 

She got a phone call, and all of a sudden she was in a bad mood. SHe said it was work (army) and that she has to go back to the office, because they said she screwed up some paperwork. So she told her family she'd be back in a couple hours. I walked her to her car, then figured, I wouldn't stick around if she wasn't going to be there, so I said bye to her family (they said it was nice to see me again), and I left. I txt'd her later on that night to see how things went...she said she got in trouble. She vented to me about the situation, and I tried to comfort her. I think she appreciated it, because strait afterwards she was in a good mood, and txting me all about the crazy stuff she was watching on TV. Eventually I told her I was going to sleep, and wished her a good night. She responded with the same. And that was that.

 

I messaged her the next day just once, "Happy 10th of July". She responded, "lol weirdo!" And thats how things were left.

 

I'm not really sure what to do from here, or where this is going. I am noticing that I'm starting to get nervous, I feel emotions coming back, but I'm scared that maybe she doesn't want the same thing I want, or maybe she's seeing someone else. I dunno, maybe some of you can shed a little light on me with your views.

 

Thanks.

[96GSX]

Well, I may have done this prematurely, but I sent her a txt letting her know that I would like to meet up with her, just the two of us, so that we can sit and talk. As soon as she got it, she called me, and she was asking what I wanted to talk about. I didn't budge. I told her it had to be in person. She kept trying to get it out of me, but I wouldn't. Eventually she gave up, and then changed the topic. She vented to me about having chest pains, and after about 30 min of arguing with her (not heated argument), I convinced her to actually do something about it (considering she's been having these pains on and off for about a year now) and go to the doctor. She really seemed to enjoy the fact that I was so concerned about her health. I could tell she was smiling on the phone, she was even laughing at times, especially when she would try and put it off, "Eh, it's not that bad right now, it'll go away." and I would tell her that she's such a procrastinator and needs to take better care of herself. Then she'd say, "eh I'll wake up early and go to the doctor, and I'd tell her that knowing her, she'd wake up, want to sleep more, and convince herself it's not so bad and that she can go back to sleep. She got a kick out of that. Anyway, the conversation was good, but she said that we couldn't meet up this past weekend to talk, because she was on duty for the army (the 1 weekend a month deal). I told her to let me know when we could. She said she would.

 

Well the weekend goes by, and I don't hear from her, so I txt her on monday asking how it was. She responded "Horrible." When I asked why, she called me, and told me all about this creep who was new to her unit who was trying to hit on her, and wouldn't stop no matter how much she told him to. She had to go to her superior officer to file a complaint.

 

The one good thing about that is that its obvious she's not into any guys right now...the bad thing is that I don't know if I'm one of those guys that she's not into.

 

Anyway, she hasn't said anything about when we can meet up to have this talk yet. I don't know how long I should wait before I bring it up again, or if I even should.

 

Ever since she has invited me to hang with her and her family those 2 times, it's almost like her interest has receeded. No longer does she contact me without me contacting her first. I don't know, maybe I'm just paranoid or something. My female friends think she just doesn't want me to know that she is interested. Something about vulnerability. I personally don't get it, but I guess I never will. They seem to think, if she's giving me the time of day, and inviting me to be around her family, then there's a lot more than meets the eye, regardless of how proactive she is with letting me know she's thinking about me.

 

I'm kinda lost, what do you all think? Am I on a good path here?

[96GSX]

I'm really starting to lose my strength. I'm itching to just spill my guts in a big email and send it to her. Would this be a bad idea?

[saltwatergirl]

I'm really starting to lose my strength. I'm itching to just spill my guts in a big email and send it to her. Would this be a bad idea?

 

YES!!! If anything this should be face to face. I realize that is hard what with all the stop and go signals you get from her. But sooner or later, she'll get a wild hair and call or even meet up with you, and you will do this at that time.

 

I know it's hard. Be patient. You know as well as I do that at some point, you 2 will speak again....it's the pattern of addiction between you two. Wait for that time. Dont send a heartfelt email during her "off" phase, wait and catch her when she's "on".

 

EDIT: Oops, DONT preplan this talk. Dont sit there and try to set up a day with her for the big discussion; could be why she's tensing up. JDont mention it again===just wait til you are in her presense again and then initiate it.

 

Salt

[96GSX]

Thanks Salt. Yeah, she's a rollercoaster. She's all about me one day, then distant the next. I'm sure she's feeling all kinds of mixed feelings. Days when she feels the love, and days when she remembers the pain. I'm sure she knows how I feel, and the fact that I told her I wanted to have a talk with her 1 on 1 probably did tense her up.

 

I'll hold off on mentioning it, and see what happens, but it's hard to keep all of this bottled up inside. Ugh!

[96GSX]

Well, I'm starting to feel negative about this now. I txt'd her mon night asking how her night was...no response. I then txt'd her last night, telling her that I'm thinking about her, and wondering how she's doing...again, no response.

 

Ugh.

[Considerate Empath]

Even though I'm still against this, I'll give you an advice as to how I think your best chance with her is:

 

Let her come to you, instead of pushing yourself onto her.

 

 

//C.E.