So confused..

[SaRaHmArIe8588]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for a little over a year, But lately, ive been thinking that i can do better. If youve read my previous posts you'd know that he was 23..we work together..and that he has an anger problem. When we argue..i cant stand it because he flips out over the smallest things and is extremely jealous. That used to be my main concern until a few weeks ago. He doesnt drive, simply because he is lazy and didnt see a reason to get his license. He didnt go to college and i think that was because his parents never had the money.., he still works at a dead end job at a supermarket, stocking shelves. Hes been telling me that hes saving up for college and that hes gonna get his license but months have been going by and each month im beginning to believe hes never going to do these things. I really do care about him and want to be with him...but a part of me feels like i could do better because..even though this is terrible to say..hes some what of a loser. All of these things were racing through my mind last night when i was with him and i started crying and he hugged me, without even knowing what was wrong but i felt better. His arms and his kiss always make things better..so sometimes i feel like thats the ONLY good thing in our relationship. In the beginning of our relationship things were great but now im feeling like the only good thing is when we touch, etc. because it just bothers me too much that his life is going no where. Does this make sense? Am i wrong for feeling this way? Should i talk to him about how im feeling? I mean, ive brought it up before and he always insists that hes gonna change..i just dont think he will...

 

Advice?

[bebecole]

well your a young girl and your going to be dating alot of guys in the future..

im not sure if you want to hear this or not but if hes 23 years old and still working at a grocery store and seems to have no direction in life, let alone no drivers license.

this is as good as its gona get girl.

people dont change over night!

and if your not happy its just going to make it worse for the both of you if you continue in a relationship you dont want to be in.

there are plenty of guys out there for you who will care about you and love you and hug you too!!!

if you dont feel right in this relationship listen to yourself, your probably right!

[blender]

You are absolutely RIGHT to feel this way. You are not "judging" him, you are simply being realistic, and if you can, you should safely get out of this relationship. Whatever he is doing for his own life, is an example of what he will do for you... that's pretty scary isn't it? His actions are showing you that he's a "victim of circumstance" and it's always because of someone else, (parents didn't have money to send him to college) or whatever the reason, it's never the HE was the one who made a choice to be lazy, indifferent, or that he made a mistake, until he's ready to take responsibility through his ACTIONS (words are cheap) for his own life, well then YOU should choose to move on, You are worthy of an ambitious, smart, loving, kind man who has does NOT have "anger issues".

 

Don't you think you want to build a different life for YOURSELF? Because if you want to know what your future will be with this particular guy, all you have to do is "look at the way it is RIGHT NOW"... THIS IS WHAT YOUR FUTURE LOOKS LIKE... yuk, Take care of you, little by little, try to build your confidence and get out of this relationship, do you have someone a family member a friend who you can safely confide in and get help to get away from him? I know you will miss him and you care about him, but if you really care, than you will let him know that you "expect more from him because you believe in him" and until he gets his life together, you want to give him the space to do so, and then and ONLY then would you be interested in building a future...

 

I feel for you, I was with a guy who was very much a "victim" and was always "down on his luck" but after six months and watching him do NOTHING to change it but "talk about it" well I knew I had to move on, and it's been over a year and he's right where I left him... running around in circle's blaming everyone else for his problems....(he too had a bad temper) I use to think it was because he loved me so much, but it had NOTHING to do with me, it was always about HIM.

 

Let us know how your doing, we all care...

[Tigris]

You say he has an anger problem already and that could be because he thinks he's had a bad life due to other people. In my opinion I'd say this will get worse the longer the two of you are together because he isn't getting any help to deal with it.

 

It's obvious that you're not happy or you'd be smiling all the time. Please don't stay with him out of loyalty because you'll do neither of you any good.

[canuckhead]

i suggest u take a break from him and figure out what kinda guy u want. ur young, and obviously even younger when u met him...so maybe u didn't realize what u really wanted. if a guy doesn't have the qualities ur looking for (ambitious, goal-driven, caring...etc.) then dont' be with him. cuz thats not gonna change. if the only good thing in this relationship is that he puts his arm around u when ur down....heck alotta guys do that.

[SaRaHmArIe8588]

I do feel that me and him should take a break. If he really wants to be with me then he can change..i DO believe in him. Hes going away to visit family for a week, which will give me some time to figure out what im going to say. do guys think that this would be a good idea?

[canuckhead]

i think this week off will be a good idea for u to think about what u really want. and if u do decide to take a break...don't string him along. also, he shouldn't change for u...he should change for himself. if hes changing just to be with u...thats only going to last temporarily. once he gets u back...he'll be back to his old self.

[blender]

Canukhead is so right! A person can NOT change for someone else, that has NOTHING to do with LOVE... Someone can only love you if they love themselves enough to live by decent standards, values, responsibility in their OWN life FIRST. If this is not in place for them there it will NOT be in place towards you.

 

Take your break while he's away and breathe and think about YOU and what you really want in a future,

 

if you want to know what your future looks like with him in it, then take the last three months and replay them. He's not going to change.

 

The CHANGING starts with YOU, moving on, and having standards/values for yourself, sure he can join you in living within these standards but when his actions/choices show that he is not, then it's time to be in reality and move on.

 

It won't be easy to do, but like most the things the "right" thing to do is usually not "easy" or "passive" or "waiting" it's about living in the TRUTH and not in the "desire for what you hope for"...

 

the truth is right there for us to see and so many times we waste precious energy ignoring it in "hopes" for a different outcome... Do what is BEST for you. We're all here for you and know it's not easy.