Why do I have so much trouble

[xmltorrent]

Something similar to this may have been posted on here and this may be taken as an "I'm feeling sorry for myself" post but I can assure you that it isn't. I just really want an honest answer. It's directed more toward the ladies here.

 

Do girls not want a good guy anymore? Do they not want someone moral, respectful, caring, kind, and affectionate? Do they not want someone who will not only be their lover but their friend as well? Is that such a frightful concept? I mean I hear a lot of girls say that's what they want but they go for the complete opposite type. Am I missing something here?

[Guarana Galrok]

No, that guy is too easy to get. No challenge, no fun. People want what they can't have.

[nicorette]

no! i think girls maybe get their views clouded and thats how they end up with the jerks. and the girls who are shallow are the girls you probably dont want to be with anyhow, but im sure you dont have to worry about that.

i know that if i was single thats the qualities in a person that i first look for, and its the qualities i love about my boyfriend, whos also my best friend.

there are tons of girls out there who agree, you just have to find them

[xmltorrent]

I just think it's complete and total bs that no matter how hard I try, I always end up the one hurt.

 

My buddy and I had this discussion the other day and he was the same way I was but his ex pushed him over the edge and now he's an toward girls. I thought I should do the same thing, with the mentality of treating them how they want to be treated, but that's definitely IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM me. And that is IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM how all women act. I know that for a fact.

 

I know this is something that I have to cope with because it's reality. It just sucks hardcore that it has to be like that.

 

An example that I have, which this example is mostly my fault for being a retard, I want to descirbe the last six months of my life.

 

I was very interested in a girl I've known for a few years. I spilled my feelings to her and she said that she was flattered but wasn't ready to date anyone yet. I should have ended it right here, but I decided to wait for her. I wanted to see something happen between us so bad that I just felt compelled to wait. I had given up about a month in and then she goes and says all these sweet things to me about the concept of us. Again, me being stupid, I fell for it. A month later, she starts dating this kid who she talked to, for quite literally, three hours. I stopped talking to her for a very long time and then she had the nerve to come to me and ask me why I stopped talking to her. I never answered and just watched as their relationship fell apart slowly. A few weeks after they broke up, she came to me complaining about how bad her life is now and all this other bs. I started feeling sorry for her. I think she knew that because she started saying things about us again. Naturally, being a retard, I fell for it again. Well she did a nice job of leading me on for the next month or two and then I hear that she starts dating her ex from two years ago. All the while she was telling me she wanted a nice guy and all that other jazz. So she goes back to a guy who's just in it for a wham, bam, thank you maam.... and she knows it.

 

A lot of that was my fault for not listening to myself in the first place but it's a prime example of what I'm talking about. Most girls say one thing, go for the complete opposite, and don't care about what it does to the people they led on.

 

I know there's a girl out there looking for a guy like me. I know there is. I just wish it wasn't such an absolute pain in the to find her!!!

[nicorette]

i know, but youre only 18. youll find someone so amazing that youll forget about this problem. its very sad about it though. definetly dont change yourself (especially to be a jerk) to try and get girls. itll only rub them the wrong way, and you wouldnt be staying true to yourself. i met my boyfriend through a mutual friend. i found it good because the mutual frined knew both of us and that we would be compatible. do you have any frineds that could set you up?

[CynicalGuitarist]

I've asked myself the same question time after time. It seems many girls like to be pampered to no end (I have an arsenal of examples and double-standards). Of course, there is a double-edge to this sword; any guy can mask his true griping until after he gets some action. So, usually, said girl ends up denouncing all males after he gets what he wants out of her (and then leaves)... she becomes lonely and sees all her friends with great boyfriends... so the cycle repeats...

 

of course, there are girls out there that aren't like that... good luck finding them.

[xmltorrent]

To CynicalGuitarist:

 

Great observation. I couldn't have put it in better words.

 

To nicorette:

 

I have one but I'm not sure how it would run with her. I don't have any intention of changing who I am. I like who I am. ^_^ Should I run it past her that I'm looking for someone or what?

[Dating Coach]

Something similar to this may have been posted on here and this may be taken as an "I'm feeling sorry for myself" post but I can assure you that it isn't. I just really want an honest answer. It's directed more toward the ladies here.

 

While a lot of these posts are feeling sorry for myself threads, yours is still almost exactly like them-and your answer is going to be the same as well. Secondly, you're asking the ladies-which is not usually a wise idea. Now the ladies who post on relationship forums are (usually) going to be far more wise than the ones you meet out in the real world, still, it's not something I usually advise unless the girl is pretty smart about these things like RayKay and annie24. More often than not, when you ask a girl in the real world for advice or insight, you get misled. Are they lying? Sometimes. Sometimes they don't want to be rude. Other times they don't want to admit they do like certain things because society says they "are not supposed to", but most commonly what women think they are attracted to and what they actually respond to are two completely different things. So quit asking ladies in your real life for tips about dating.

 

Do girls not want a good guy anymore? Do they not want someone moral, respectful, caring, kind, and affectionate? Do they not want someone who will not only be their lover but their friend as well? Is that such a frightful concept? I mean I hear a lot of girls say that's what they want but they go for the complete opposite type. Am I missing something here?

 

Yes you are missing something. Girls still do appreciate a guy like that. You're missing half of the equation. Those things you described are covering only half of the relationship. The half you are covering is how you treat her. What you are forgetting is the other person in the relationship. You. The other missing half is how you treat yourself and how you allow yourself to be treated.

 

In order for there to be attraction between a guy and a girl, she must respect you. In order for her to respect you, you must respect yourself and have confidence. This is the biggest part of what attracted women to men, and this is why "the other type" are successful with women. They don't roll over for anyone, not even her. That confidence and self respect is attractive. He's the alpha male. When you stand that guy up next to a guy who is hesitant, afraid to hurt a girls feelings, is a pushover, etc then there is no comparison. She's going to be attracted to the person who makes it look like they deserve attraction, not the guy who would say "how high" when she says jump. Like you do.

 

I just think it's complete and total bs that no matter how hard I try, I always end up the one hurt.

 

If you are trying too hard, and you are the one getting hurt, then you are trying it all wrong. Based upon that one sentence you've told me loads about your approach. For one, you should never be getting hurt. If you are approaching a girl the right way and you get rejected, then you've only known her for a very short time or it may have even been your first conversation. If you are getting hurt then that tells me you wait until you've become closer to her-like friends. Get it? Like a friend. I know because I once did this too. I was shy about asking a girl out and I tried sneaking in the back door as "friends" and then I fell harder and harder and harder until I burst out about my crush. Did it ever work for me? Once, and that girl ended up being a skank who was banging several people at once and lying to everyone. So I didn't have success with that route either.

 

Why is it a bad idea to waste weeks, months, or even years growing attached to someone before asking them out? Many reasons.

 

One reason is that a girl almost always decides very quickly if you are dating material or not. I bet your girl had decided if she would date you within one week or two. So you are doing nothing but wasting time by holding off asking her out before then-especially when hold off will likely cause her to friendzone you even if the was interested at one point.

 

Two, holding back asking her out shortly after meeting her shows how little confidence and self respect you have, and those are key things to initiate attraction. Do you think those "jerks" wait 3 months to ask a girl out? No.

 

Three, you are passing up way to many other opportunities with other girls when you focus on just one-especially for a long period of time. You should be keeping your options open to a LOT of girls.

 

Ask a girl out to a cup of coffee, a walk in the park, or something within 3 meetings with her. If she says, "No thanks, not interested" or gives you ANY excuse, then say, "Okay, well take care" and move on. You barely know the girl so her rejection should roll off of your shoulders. But if you wait 5 months to ask out a girl who has become your best friend, spent countless hours on the phone, you've fallen into "one-itus" with her (google it). If that happens you're damn right it's going to hurt when she says no. Why wait that long when she already knew whether or not she liked you by the 3rd week or even the 3rd day?

 

My buddy and I had this discussion the other day and he was the same way I was but his ex pushed him over the edge and now he's an jerk toward girls. I thought I should do the same thing, with the mentality of treating them how they want to be treated, but that's definitely IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM me. And that is IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM how all women act. I know that for a fact.

 

You do not know this for a fact, and you are placing the blame everywhere except where it was supposed to be. With you and your friend.

People in this world will treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. If you allow a woman to walk all over you, she will. If you suck up to a woman to get her approval, if you use niceness as a way to get people to like you, then you become a doormat and you will be walked on. You have no one to blame for this but yourselves. I did it too once. I thought that women should be treated like angels and I did what they asked thinking that they would see how nice I was and then like me in return. In doing so I was leaving out half of the equation. Me. The girls all thought I was nice and sweet, and I was the guy they used for car rides and to cry on my shoulder over another "jerk" but they never liked me, were never attracted to me. Why? I already mentioned that above. I was lacking that stand up quality that exudes self respect and self confidence.

 

A self respecting and confident guy doesn't give women special treatment. A good self confident guy doesn't treat women bad either, he just treats her equal to everyone else. This guy refuses to be walked on by women. He does what he feels he wants to do. She doesn't always get her way with him like she does her nice guy male girlfriends, and thus this frustrates her. Guys usually bow at her feet! But that is part of what she finds attractive. This guy doesn't need her attention like the others, and does what he wants regardless of what she thinks. He is self confident and he respects himself.

 

Doing this does not make you a jerk. Neither does refusing to cater to women. A jerk is someone who ONLY cares about himself and can easily hurt everyone around him without a care. A self confident guy can compromise, but he will not allow himself to be taken advantage of like the "Nice Guy" does. He does not use niceness in order to be liked by others. He does what he wants and if someone likes him, great, if not, too bad. They obviously weren't worthy his attention anyway if they don't like him because he didn't cancel his plans to watch the Baseball Game to drive Becky to her friends house. Besides, she'll end up calling her male girlfriend Bob who has a crush on her and he'll drive her. Bob's always ready to try to do something nice for her the moment she asks. He does it because he is desperate for her approval.

 

I know this is something that I have to cope with because it's reality. It just sucks hardcore that it has to be like that.

 

It's not the reality. You just don't understand how it works and what messages you send to women with your actions. Being a jerk won't help you much, and besides, what loser has to try to treat women bad in order to get attraction? Where is your self respect man?

 

An example that I have, which this example is mostly my fault for being a retard, I want to descirbe the last six months of my life.

 

I was very interested in a girl I've known for a few years. I spilled my feelings to her and she said that she was flattered but wasn't ready to date anyone yet.

 

Low and behold I was right about you. You did exactly what I thought you did. You've been interested in this girl for years. YEARS! As I said above, this is horribly unattractive. She decided whether or not you were worth dating within weeks and you took years to find out her answer-long after you had already become her "friend". You friendzoned yourself.

 

Secondly, you spilled your guts. Ewww. Horribly unattractive. Where was the challenge? Where was the mystery? YOu just threw all of your cards on the table, spilling your guts about your crush. Horribly unattractive. Take it or leave it huh? All of that baggage. Years worth. Is she supposed to come running to you? She's going to run the other way.

 

Now remember what I told you above? When you ask a girl out you will either get a yes or you will get a no. The no comes in two forms. A staight No, or an excuse which means no. You got an excuse from her. She wasn't ready to date anyone yet? BS. It's an excuse to let you down easy. I mean, you're her friend after all. Do you think she wants to devastate you? DO you think she wants to hurt your feelings? She's letting you down as easy as she knows how. In your inexperience, you didn't pick this up and you kept trying. Again, this is your fault, not hers.

 

I should have ended it right here, but I decided to wait for her.

 

Yes you should have walked away. Well, you should have walked away years ago but you didn't. But you decided to wait for her then and you are waiting for her again. This further shows how little you respect yourself. Don't you think you deserve a girlfriend? Don't you think that you are worthy? Well that's not what your actions are saying. Your actions are screaming that you are too needy, clingy, and desperate to move on. You are going to deprive yourself of freedom and sit on the sidelines hoping that this girl will have trime for you. You're screaming traits that are the opposite of what attracts women.

 

I wanted to see something happen between us so bad that I just felt compelled to wait. I had given up about a month in and then she goes and says all these sweet things to me about the concept of us. Again, me being stupid, I fell for it. A month later, she starts dating this kid who she talked to, for quite literally, three hours.

 

3 hours? Does this sound familiar to you? What did I just get done saying above? Girls decide very quickly whether or not you are dating potential. You waited YEARS and this guy did it in 3 hours. He got to the point right away, and by doing so he displayed self respect and confidence. He obviously has something about him if he is that confident-and that will attract women. You on the other hand never had the guts to do anything. You instead snuck in under the disguise of "just friends". How is she supposed to choose you over this guy? You don't respect yourself enough to stand up and pursue your dreams at the drop of the hat. You take YEARS to motivate yourself whereas this guys showed he could do it in three hours. He's far ahead of you in the game. In fact, even if she turned him down, he would have found at least a dozen other girlfriends while you would still be crushing on this one.

 

I stopped talking to her for a very long time and then she had the nerve to come to me and ask me why I stopped talking to her. I never answered and just watched as their relationship fell apart slowly. A few weeks after they broke up, she came to me complaining about how bad her life is now and all this other bs. I started feeling sorry for her. I think she knew that because she started saying things about us again.

 

She's using you, but it's not her fault. It's yours. Once again, as I said above, you disregard yourself and you run to please her the minute she asks. You don't respect yourself.

 

She knows you like her and you have a history of always being there to be used (because you didn't respect yourself enough to do your own thing). So naturally she wants the benefits back of having her nice guy friend to cry on his shoulder. She knows you will be there to comfort her, so she will do what is necessary to use you to make her feel better. Like a good puppy dog, you run to her happy for attention. Lack of self respect.

 

Naturally, being a retard, I fell for it again. Well she did a nice job of leading me on for the next month or two and then I hear that she starts dating her ex from two years ago. All the while she was telling me she wanted a nice guy and all that other jazz. So she goes back to a guy who's just in it for a wham, bam, thank you maam.... and she knows it.

 

Yes, you fell for it again, further demonstrating that you could care less about respecting yourself by repeating what has been proven to be a useless situation for you, and then you let her manipulate you again for her needs. This is your fault. I said before, people treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. You've always been that guy to use, she's just getting you to perform the role you happily filled for years. Your fault. Not hers.

 

Of course she ran back to that guy. He wasn't drooling on the sidelines to get a chance to play therapist with her. He was out doing his own life, his own things. He's infinitely more interesting and attractive. SHe doesn't have to lead him around, she's ready to be LED. She's looking for a self confident self respecting guy to do what he wants and she will follow and enjoy the excitement. If he is a jerk then eventually she will dump him and move on, because jerks-even if self confident and self respecting, are childish and that will kill the relationship sooner or later.

 

Your goal should be to build your self respect and self confidence, but also respect others and treat them fairly. Not better than yourself, but fairly. Don't do free favors. Make sure you get something back. She wants a ride? What do you get out of it? You're busy with life, you don't feel like it. What is going to make it worth while for you to get up and drive her somewhere? This is not a jerk thing, it's a jerk thing for a girl to expect you to run to do her favors for free. She SHOULD be offering something.

 

A lot of that was my fault for not listening to myself in the first place but it's a prime example of what I'm talking about. Most girls say one thing, go for the complete opposite, and don't care about what it does to the people they led on.

 

I know there's a girl out there looking for a guy like me. I know there is. I just wish it wasn't such an absolute pain in the to find her!!!

 

If there is a girl out there looking for a guy like you, chances are she wants a guy she can boss around and use. You need to build yourself, change your bad habits, etc.

 

I suggest you read the link in my signiture. Read it many many times. learn it. It will help you. Come back here for tips and advice on everything. And lastly, FORGET THAT GIRL! DELETE HER NUMBER, STOP TALKING TO HER! NEVER TRY AGAIN ON HER! SHE KNOWS YOU ARE A PUSHOVER AND EVEN IF YOU TRY TO CHANGE THAT SHE WON'T BUY IT OR SHE WILL WRITE YOU OFF AS A JERK BECAUSE YOU AREN'T THERE FOR HER ANYMORE. SHE'S A LOST CAUSE FOR YOU. MOVE ON!

[Haven]

DiggityDogg said it better than I will ever be able to.

 

Let me try giving an example.. I had a bet with this guy. If I lost, I had to buy him a soda. I lost.

-If he told me to forget about, that I didn't have to buy him the soda, that would be really nice, but not anything attractive. It just means he's a nice guy.

-If he took the soda and drank it in front of me, laughing about how I lost the bet, that would be incredibly unattractive. It means he's a jerk.

-If he took the soda, took a few sips, and then gave the rest to me (or shared the rest), that would be attractive. He's not a complete pushover, but he's not a jerk, either.

[Kevin T]

Do girls not want a good guy anymore? Do they not want someone moral, respectful, caring, kind, and affectionate? Do they not want someone who will not only be their lover but their friend as well? Is that such a frightful concept? I mean I hear a lot of girls say that's what they want but they go for the complete opposite type. Am I missing something here?

 

The reason why most women do not want a guy like that refers to something I was told at work the other day by someone: "Women are ." Now, I contested this, but coming from another female, I think she was on to something. I mean no disrespect, but perhaps this is the reason why the majority of younger women tend to chase after the creeps, rather than the easy to get good guy.

 

(Just so no one misunderstands me, I know there are many great females out there, I just have not have the privelege of meeting them yet.)

 

I do acknowledge that there ARE some decent females out there (remember, I contested her rude comment) who would kill for a decent, respectful guy; but that doesn't change the fact that there are many who would rather be single than with a "boring", decent guy. Pick your poison, I guess.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I think it's a matter of age or rather maturity. I totally went for the not nice guys in my late teens and throughout my 20's. It was fun, a challenge, made ME feel tough for being able to withstand it, but after a while, you just have enough!

 

And....you start changing who you look at and for.

[Dating Coach]

I mean no disrespect, but perhaps this is the reason why the majority of younger women tend to chase after the creeps, rather than the easy to get good guy.

 

Did you not read what I posted? Quit blaming it on women and instead let the pushover guys accept the blame for their own actions for once.

 

Of course there are some women who are nutty, just like there are guys who are nutty. If we are talking generally, then we aren't talking about these weirdo's.

[Kevin T]

The pushover men should take the blame for being wimps, absolutely. But so should the insane/mean women. Everyone must be accountable for their own actions.