so why are they MEAN?

[joyce1412]

so a little background.

 

i had a relationship with a great, loving guy whom i wanted to marry. we started having problems, but nothing extraordinary, and i hadn't done anything to offend him (like cheat or any other serious problem). it was an LDR.

 

i bent over backwards trying to make it work and to make the both of us happier, but it wasn't enough. when he broke up with me, he said all sorts of crappy things, like,

"there are a hundred things i don't like about you"

"i guess i just got a little bored with you...you have no passions."

"i don't understand your family, and i don't know if i can start a family with someone who has such relationships with her family."

"i can't wait" (meaning wait for ME, because HE currently travels for work--makes a lot of sense, right?)

 

and then, the real kicker, as his final message to me after breaking my heart:

"best of luck with life!"

 

 

so the question is: why do the dumpers feel a need to be MEAN when there is no reason for it? when they have been in relationships with loving people who care about them? when they know they're already breaking another person's heart? i don't understand why the person you love would unload that on you when the pain is already so immense. any ideas?

[mystik]

a) They're trying to convince themselves they are doing the right thing by coming up with reasons for the break up.

 

b) They are being mean on purpose so that you hate them and then they don't feel so bad for hurting you...they're trying to convince you that they're horrible people so that you want nothing to do with them - makes them sleep better at night thinking you won't be crying (even though you probably will be )....quite selfish actually

 

c) you've just been dating a real ***#@*# - thank the heavens you got out now.

[shelly7]

I think they're mean because they are immature and they don't know how to handle the guilt they have. So, they somehow try to belittle you, so that maybe they can try to convince themselves that they made the right decision, because deep down they know it's their fault and they're mad at themselves.

 

NC is the only way to handle that type. Your heart is already broken, you don't need to listen to someone berate you, you're better than that. Stay strong!

[joyce1412]

okay, i've definitely seen people be mean because of option B there. but anyone who thinks that--it makes NO SENSE! what, like it would be easier to stomach the person you love hurling all sorts of insults at you and telling you they don't want you anymore rather than hearing a simple, "i'm sorry, it's not working out for me, i wish it had"? come on.

 

anyone else think this is the biggest cop-out/lie/most hateful thing imaginable?

[evyrew]

I think that demeaning the dumpee is a way to make things easier emotionally for dumper. They don't really have to comprehend the gravity of their choices if they are continually hurling insults instead. It is childish, and shows that they are not ready to fully admit to their own shortcomings in the relationship.

[kadvati79]

so the question is: why do the dumpers feel a need to be MEAN when there is no reason for it? when they have been in relationships with loving people who care about them? when they know they're already breaking another person's heart? i don't understand why the person you love would unload that on you when the pain is already so immense. any ideas?

 

It is much easier to blame someone else for failure than it is to accept the blame yourself, particulary when blaming yourself means:

1. You have to accept you hurt someone who loved you
   
2. You would be required to change in order to prevent it happening again
   

If he doesn't blame/hurt you - then he has to accept responsibility for it and make changes, be introspective and not simply chalk it up to you "failing" or being the "wrong person".

 

I've talked alot about cognative distortions in other topics so I won't dwell on it here, but I suspect in order to accept the things he has done he has taken on a distorted view of you, the relationship, and himself in order to process and deal with his loss - and his outlook for the future. When someone "bounces back" fast from a breakup, it is almost always because they blame the other person. Their focus sits of the future and they are able to move forward with "relief" that the "problem" has been left behind with the other person. This is reinforced by the person they dumped becoming a blubbering mess, loosing weight, getting depressed... they can go "see, that person is the problem not me".

 

Unfortunately, its never the case. It takes two to tango. Eventually we all have to settle our bill with the house, and the dumper is no different.

[serenity25]

Eventually we all have to settle our bill with the house, and the dumper is no different.

 

Great point! The last time I talked to my ex, I told him that it didn't seem he was over me if he felt the need to act so bitter and mean- plus completely forget I exist in order to move on. That just seemed strange to me.

[joyce1412]

so you think in "settling the bill with the house," the person comes to terms with their own shortcomings? that the dumpee was not as blameworthy as he made her out to be? my suspicion was that since my ex was so eager to blame me for everything that he will not sit back and examine where he erred, and will simply continue right along in life, with his ginormous ego.

 

if we had any "mean dumpers" that would really help to get their perspective, both during and post-breakup.

[Scotcha]

I was a mean dumper once. I didn't start out mean but with all the incessent "I want you backs" I ended up that way. It was the only way I could get him to go away and give up.

 

BUT: Generally, I think being cruel to someone while you are breaking their heart to make things easier for yourself is just that.. Cruel. Not to mention selfish and immature.

[kadvati79]

so you think in "settling the bill with the house," the person comes to terms with their own shortcomings? that the dumpee was not as blameworthy as he made her out to be? my suspicion was that since my ex was so eager to blame me for everything that he will not sit back and examine where he erred, and will simply continue right along in life, with his ginormous ego.

 

if we had any "mean dumpers" that would really help to get their perspective, both during and post-breakup.

 

You got one right here. Me. I did some terrible things to guys I broke up with in the past. It was all to hide from facing up to my own problems. Eventually I did, but it took time. Not everyone will reach that point of acceptance. I know its frustraiting to think your ex might never "come to their senses" but you just have to tell yourself that, well, you tried your best to help them... and if THEY don't see it EVERYONE else sure did. I know thats the case with my, his friends think he's insane.

 

Ultimately, you have been given the head start in getting your life sorted and on track. It seems like you have the hardest step to make, alot longer than they do, but I think that if you look at the big picture you (as the dumpee) end up learning more than the "unsympathetic" dumper.

[joyce1412]

I know its frustraiting to think your ex might never "come to their senses" but you just have to tell yourself that, well, you tried your best to help them... and if THEY don't see it EVERYONE else sure did. I know thats the case with my, his friends think he's insane.

 

i totally get you on that, but for some reason it doesn't really satisfy me, thinking that he might not come to see how he screwed up even though everyone else sees it. it's weird...i always really, really looked up to my ex. i admired him for so many things. he is five years older and such a mature, rational person in SO many ways. very together for his age. i aspired to be like him, honestly. so the fact that i have so much admiration for this person, constantly going to him for advice and respecting all his opinions, a person who thought it best to dump me...well....it's been hard to take, needless to say. it's been a struggle wondering if he wasn't wrong to lose me.

[aussiegirl]

This is all interesting, but it begs the question: "Is there really a NICE way to break-up with someone?" Should someone follow a carefully constructed set of rules, a bit like filling in a "tick-a-box" form or a report card and then have a deep and meaningful about the details with the person you are about to dump. No dumping is nice, even when people tried to convince me that my dumper was 'nice' in his email to me, only because he could have been worse!

 

It's not like anyone is ever taught the ettiquette of dumping, human society hasn't evolved that far yet, unfortunately. It's a bit like why we still have wars all over the world.

[joyce1412]

there are nicER ways to break up with someone. for example, not hurling insults at someone.

[serenity25]

There are most definitely ways to be more compassionate about dumping someone. Of course it is always going to hurt and not going to be a pleasant experience for the dumpee, but its best to not have it come as a total shock or to go from talking every day, saying how you love them more than anything, couldn't live without them to the very next day- wham, bam, thank you ma'am, I'm done.

 

You also don't need to insult the person or be extremely cold. Breaking up with someone isn't going to be "nice" but it definitely can be done with dignity and grace instead of cowardly and cruel.

[joyce1412]

hear, hear. there is always a classy way to do it that considers the feelings of the dumpee and lets her down as easily as possible.

[lvlyldy]

my ex also became "mean" after the breakup. Not only did he break my heart, he had to be a total jerk about it too. He wouldnt pick up if I called or answer his door if i knocked (we lived accross from eachother). He would remain cold and distant, and any time i wanted to talk to him he'd make me do it in the hallway. When I tried to be nice, not to get him back but to end things on a "good note" so that possibly we could be friends in the future he was rude and incredibly harsh taking everything the wrong way and trying to pick fights. I told him how he was behaving and he agreed, but said he knew no other way to handle it, its just the way he was dealing with it.

 

Now after something like 36 days NC, I realize that no matter what his reasons were, after the way he disrespected me and totally disregarded my feelings that I do NOT want a friendship with him. I owe him nothing, and if he wants to act immature and mean then thats HIS problem not mine. I will not pursue him in any way (for friendship or more) because I realized that all he does is make me miserable these days. Even though I want nothing more than to reconcile, his behavior has made me realize how nasty he can be and has left doubts in my mind whether I would really take him back.

 

Can i love and respect someone who made me feel so bad? Can I trust him not to do it again to me? Can I forgive him for this? I dont know, and it makes me realize that I am better off without him. You cant behave that way toward the person you love, no matter how well you treated them before or how hurt/mad you are you WONT LET YOURSELF do that and hurt them that way.

 

Being mean after a breakup is like rubbing salt in a wound. Its unnecessary, and will only make the dumpee hate you (maybe what they want to easy their guilt?), but watever their reasons you should take this behavior to heart and realize that no matter how great your ex was, being mean isnt THE ONLY WAY to behave when you break up with someone, it is the way they are CHOOSING to act towards you.

[joyce1412]

completely agreed with you, lvlyldy. i don't care how the dumper is feeling at the moment, he can always muster up the energy to be kind! and, i hate to say it--the mean behavior seems to be much more common in males. sorry, guys.

 

but i didn't wish he had been nice so we could be friends...i simply wish he had been nice because i want to be able to look back on this relationship and feel good about it, and not angry, bitter, or slighted. each time i've been in love (total of two times), it has ended with the guy being a sorry jerk. it's a pretty sad way to remember my experiences of young love.

[kadvati79]

If the dumper was nice and kind, then it gives you another reason to add to the "why they are so great" box. In a way, by being an inconsiderate jerk, they are making it easier for you in the long run. I think I get most upset when I am faced with the reality that my ex isn't as great as I made out. Thats why I get so upset sometimes. And then i get mad, and think "how could he not text me on my birthday? How could he never show that he missed me or cared for me?".

 

Now I realise, what if he HAD? I would probably still be a mess. I doubt he has acted the way out of kindness, but I know he still cared about me alot up until fairly recently and has been careful about the breakup. What I do not doubt, is that regardless of his reasons, his actions post-breakup have momuntarily made me worse but in the long run made it easier for me to move on. Thats the simple truth really.

 

If someone acts nasty, it generally shows there is part of them that hasn't really let go, or part of them that still cares. It is indifference that shows someone has truly moved on. But them moving on to the point of indifference does not invalidate the past, it just means that you have become "someone they used to love". Remember you will always be a reminder of what they used to have, they made a decision to leave that behind, so having you around and being nice to you isn't going to help them move on.

i simply wish he had been nice because i want to be able to look back on this relationship and feel good about it, and not angry, bitter, or slighted.

Honestly, I think having someone be nice during a breakup would make it worse. I mean if they really were nice, and caring. It would probably have devistated me if my ex had turned out to be everything I thought he was. Instead, I found out the truth - that everyone else had seen for many years - that he's immature and makes alot of bad decisions in his life.

 

Let me put it this way, I get the feeling you are angry because your ex is forcing you to look at him, the person you loved, as garbage. You don't want to have to look at him like that. But thats what he is, so toss him in the garbage with the rest...

[vjg13]

When my ex left me she said things like

 

"you make it seem like you're so great to be around"

 

"Grow up and be a man about it"

 

"I left you because you're an idiot"

 

"You're annoying"

 

"You nag"

 

"you act worse than a girl"

 

"you never made me happy"(even though she had "the best time of her life" when I took her to her favorite artist concert)

 

It hurts because that person means everthing to you and for those types of things to be coming from them can make you feel like a failure. But then if that is how they really feel they are not the person you thought they were. And the person you are in love with doesn't really exist anymore.

[joyce1412]

i agree with both icemotoboy and vjg. it's true, i DO want to look back on my relationship lovingly, but this guy does belong in the garbage. i'm disappointed he wasn't everything i thought he was, as you said, but i suppose it's a good thing. now, the only thing i have to feel not so great about is that i actually DID give over a year and a half of my life to this guy, thinking he was so amazing. bleh.

 

and icemotoboy, that's funny, i was just thinking that today: if my ex really didn't care, he would be indifferent. in a way, knowing that a) he's doesn't totally not give a crap about the relationship, and b) he clearly has issues that are beyond me, is good.

 

though his meanness might ultimately be a blessing, i still do not condone it...

[serenity25]

I always love reading your posts. Has your ex contacted you at all, even to wish you a happy birthday? If not, what do you make of that?

[joyce1412]

indeed, great post! today i found myself telling my friend who has recently broken up with her boyfriend the same line, about how it's probably good that he's not everything she hoped. i plagiarized you!

[kadvati79]

I knew all this when I was dumped, and I was told it by friends. But it didn't mean anything to me. I wasn't ready to deal with it. But it is still good to hear it, and have it nearby, for when your heart is ready for the reality.

 

Has your ex contacted you at all, even to wish you a happy birthday? If not, what do you make of that?

My ex doesn't want me to exist, because I remind him of how he screws up his interactions with people. I became just a little too real. Now he's dating some new guy, and I've turned from being sad I wasn't with him, to disapointed he wasn't what I hoped, and now I'm moving to pitying him.

 

Peoples actions link removed their true feelings, particulary when it comes to the heart. Being conservative with your feelings helps stop you from being hurt. But its clear that not all of us can supress our feelings, i think you will find that the majority here are the "heart on the sleave" people like myself, like joyce, and others, who simply can't escape our true feelings. I used to think it was a curse, but now I think of it as a blessing... as it gives me the ability to live a true, fulfilling, and real life.

 

I briefly spoke to my ex several weeks ago, to wish him well for exams. He seemed excited to hear from me, then quickly stopped all contact. I have no doubt, its the new man in his life, who (apparently) is just like the one before me. An a**hole

 

And Joyce, I do agree... simply because we can understand why a dumper has been mean - it does not condone it. And just because it might make it easier in a sense, that does not condone it either. True strength of character is not taking the easy road, but the road of truth, justice, and honour - but I think it seldom that people really face the things that matter most.

[PassionatePices]

I think they're mean because they are immature and they don't know how to handle the guilt they have. So, they somehow try to belittle you, so that maybe they can try to convince themselves that they made the right decision, because deep down they know it's their fault and they're mad at themselves.

 

NC is the only way to handle that type. Your heart is already broken, you don't need to listen to someone berate you, you're better than that. Stay strong!

 

 

Your response made me smile!

 

So true!

[joyce1412]

My ex doesn't want me to exist, because I remind him of how he screws up his interactions with people. I became just a little too real.

 

And Joyce, I do agree... simply because we can understand why a dumper has been mean - it does not condone it. And just because it might make it easier in a sense, that does not condone it either. True strength of character is not taking the easy road, but the road of truth, justice, and honour - but I think it seldom that people really face the things that matter most.

 

ah, icemotoboy, so full of knowledge.

 

the first thing you said rings really true to me. it has brought me to realizing yet another reason why my ex is being a jerk to me. i think he would have liked to feel like our relationship would work, but he eventually came to the realization that he didn't want to do it while he is out on the road as much as he is now. i know he WANTED it to work, but FELT like it didn't. he's a perfectionist, and i'm a reminder that he failed in something that he wanted. plus, i know he hasn't just STOPPED CARING about me, and as others pointed out, the breakup, and by extension ME, are reminders that he hurt someone he cared about, and hurt her badly.

 

i think a lot of dumpers feel like they wished their exes didn't exist. i know i felt that about someone i dumped, felt it for years even. i hated how much i had wavered with him, been hot and cold in my interactions with him, and eventually broke his heart.

 

ah yes, true character IS taking the hard road. right now, truth, justice, and honor aren't things that my ex is concerned with. he wants to be free of a relationship, unfettered, able to party as he wishes (maybe even hooking up with groupies, EEK). i haven't spoken to him much, i've only heard bits and pieces about his life, but it doesn't sound like a very worthwhile, deep, or virtous life to me. i have no doubt he is acting out as a result of being a free man now, but on the other hand, thank god i got out when i did, right?

 

i can't help but feel the pangs of regret even as i gradually detach myself from him--wanting him back, and wishing none of this ever happened. but it seems like i'm on my way to leaving him behind.