how do you do NC when you have a house together?

[stephoffroad]

First of all, I have spent a few days reading through alot of posts here, and did get some great mental support from them. wonderful forum!

 

I have been through some issues similar to alot of people here, and think I have found the strength to tell my BF he needs to leave until he makes up his mind, but it might be tough to structure, so I hoping some one might have ideas.

I'll try to give short story here, not sure if any of the background is necessary, but it feels good to get it out I guess!

 

we have had 18 great years together, but the last year`has been stressful, and it seems he started an affair with someone from work. We bought an older house 1-1/2yr ago, and have spent alot of time remodeling and planning our future. But about 8 months into this project, he started acting distant, and then left for 3 months, during which he just said he needed space, etc. He does travel off and on a bit for work, and I know for a fact, he traveled approx 5-6 weeks out of that time. These 3 months spanned the Holidays, and since he did not want to tell his family he had 'left' we had all the Holidays events together. but besides that we did not talk much, he did call to check on me, stopped by to pick up fresh clothes every other week, and I would call every few days because I was devastated, but all the talk was friendly, and general, I was trying to give him space. a few times I did break down and cry and complain on phone though.

 

after the 3 months, he still was not giving me much hope, so I started pressuring him to either start splitting up our stuff, or come back and work on relationship. he did ask to come back then. 2 days after he moved back, a woman showed up at the door to tell me she just wanted to make sure I knew that he had been really having an affair, she knew he hadn't been clear with me, and she though I should know. (how generous of her). oh ya, I did suspect it, but he denied it all the time.

after all the yelling and screaming over that, he asked for forgivness, I forgave him, and things were starting to be nice again. 3 weeks after moving back, I found out they were talking again (she works accross the street from his job now). Althogh he said it was nothing, I did some snooping and found out they were having sex again. we had not reached that point in our relationship yet, and it hurt, but at least I wasn't sharing that with her.

I told him I would not tolerate it, and he needed to stop contact. he promised he would, but after a few more weeks, it was clear he wasn't. So I told him if he wanted to be with her, he needed to go. I also made him promise he would go tell his mom, and brother that he had left me.

 

I cried all night, then got furious. I called him the next afternoon, to tell him we needed to decide who gets house etc, because I needed to move on. he then confessed that 1 hour after going to her place, he broke down and told her that he felt he was making a mistake and couldn't leave me. he said he was going to stay with brother, while he thought it through. and asked if I could wait a while before discussing house and stuff. of course I started hoping again, and agreed. another 3 weeks went by, and I found out he had started staying over at her place, I didn't know about this NC thing, but we still didn't talk much, he would call in the morning to check on me, but i rarely called him, and we only saw each other 2 times in that month. well, the other woman couldn't stand that he wouldn't commit to her either, so she asked him to leave, until he could commit, and split the house and tell me it was over. he wouldn't, so now he is back here.

 

even after he moved back, she still called all the time, and sends him text messages at least 4-5 times a day. he didn't tell me he was moving back to commit to me, he just needs more 'time' to figure out what he wants. but he did say he wanted to spend more time with me, and working on the house, to see if it 'felt' right. well, it has been 3 weeks here since he moved back, and He started staying out late with her again last weekend.

 

The problem, is that the house is both of ours. I run a home based business, and I have no family here, so it is not very possible for me to leave. Also, I will probably get house, because he cannot afford on his own. I think I need to tell him to leave again, and I will definitely do NC,

He says he loves us both, and knows he can make it work with whatever choice he makes, but seems incapable of choosing!!

We have done alot of communicating over these months, and when he is here, and we are working together, we talk like there is a future. It is good.

 

but tonight, he went over to her place, and I can't deal with it.

is there any hope? I am afraid that if I ask him to leave, he wont, because he has been enjoying working around here. (he is the handyman type, he loves fixing things).

he won't consider counseling now, although he said if we do stay together, he would consider it then to help us.

is there some way I can structure this so I can keep my sanity?

we have 18 years invested together, as well as many future dreams, (and just stuff!), otherwise, I would have been outa here long ago!

If he leaves, even without making a decision, I think I will tell him not to call, until he has made a decision. is that how it should work, when you have all these possesions together? and neither is ready to split it yet?

 

if you took the time to read all this, Thank You-

even if no one answers me, it felt good to spill it out, I haven't been able unload all this on anyone else, because I don't want them to have bad feelings if we do stay together. well, ok, my mom knows!

[Beyondthesea]

Oh honey, I am so sorry this has happened.

 

You need to tell him to get out, period. He is taking advantage of you. Because you won't leave him, he's having the life. He has two women fighting over him, that's why he won't choose. You won't walk.

 

You need to sit him down, tell him straight the relationship is not continuing. So either the two of you can separate things nicely, or you will get a lawyer.

 

Don't let him walk all over you any more, because that is exactly what he is doing. He has it made! He can live with you and sleep with someone else. He isn't ever going to choose because he doesn't have to, and frankly, if he chose you I'd tell him to bugger off.

 

Time to walk. It will be hard, but not as hard as feeling humiliated when he chooses her anyway. You are being made the fool.

[DCMann2]

Wow...this is a delicate situation. The two of you have invested a LOT of time and effort in each other, but you really need to put your foot down. Tell him to leave, and do not, under any circumstances (unless it's a dire emergency) contact him. He obviously needs help with his infidelity (personally, that's something I don't think I could EVER tolerate or forgive, but that's just me), but if he refuses counselling, then I think you should try to move on. It's obvious he's confused, but if you can show that you're moving on and happy and that sort of thing, then he may realize that you're the only woman he wants. Don't give in to him. Live your life as best you can (it'll be slightly more difficult since you have a house together, but it IS possible...try to be out and about more), and work on fixing yourself. Time is a very powerful thing. Best wishes.

[friscodj]

Well, it seems like you are leaving this up to him, the classic case of letting the confused person who screws up all the time make the calls!

 

My advice is you call the shots here. You choose the path for you and then execute your plan (don't execute him...

 

So what do you want? You want to be with someone who "doesn't know" what they want after 18 years together? Someone who is capable of cheating on you and being deceitful like this?

 

The thing is, guys like this don't usually go away gracefully or easily. They'll break your heart, then come back crying to you with tears and empty promises that speak to your fears and insecurities. Actions speak louder than words.

 

I don't think the issue here is what to do, it is more of how to do it.

 

Whatever the case maybe, you need to maintain contact with him on a professional level if nothing else and get the business aspects of this thing signed, sealed, and delivered. Have you considered selling the house? Is his name on any real estate/loan documents making him officially an owner? If it comes down to it, go talk to a lawyer about your rights as far as the house goes.

 

So you should first figure out what you want. Take your time, think about it, trust your best judgement. Then after that, talk to him. I mean have a real talk about everything. Then write us back...

[Phoenix69]

Honey, you need to be the strong one and tell him to shove it! He is not good for you! Look at the person you have become. Your SO has cheated on you not just once, but he continues to do so until he has "made up his mind"? by still staying with him you are condoning this behaviour. Basically what you are saying is he can do and say whatever he pleases and you will still stay. He needs a reality check and YOU need to be the one that gives it to him. Pack all HIS crap into boxes and put them outside YOUR house. Don't contact him after this. I could almost guarantee that he will be "making up his mind" for better or worse when he has no place left to go. Hopefully the "other woman" will be giving him the same reality check.

 

Its really unhealthy to be in a relationship that you will be constantly asking yourself, "Whats he REALLY up too?"

 

Good Luck, Sorry if this seems harsh, but it upsets me when people are treated like toys and "traded in" when the oppurtunity arises.

[CluelessGuy321]

He's an user/abuser/loser. Dump him.