stephoffroad

First of all, I have spent a few days reading through alot of posts here, and did get some great mental support from them. wonderful forum! I have been through some issues similar to alot of people here, and think I have found the strength to tell my BF he needs to leave until he makes up his mind, but it might be tough to structure, so I hoping some one might have ideas. I'll try to give short story here, not sure if any of the background is necessary, but it feels good to get it out I guess! we have had 18 great years together, but the last year`has been stressful, and it seems he started an affair with someone from work. We bought an older house 1-1/2yr ago, and have spent alot of time remodeling and planning our future. But about 8 months into this project, he started acting distant, and then left for 3 months, during which he just said he needed space, etc. He does travel off and on a bit for work, and I know for a fact, he traveled approx 5-6 weeks out of that time. These 3 months spanned the Holidays, and since he did not want to tell his family he had 'left' we had all the Holidays events together. but besides that we did not talk much, he did call to check on me, stopped by to pick up fresh clothes every other week, and I would call every few days because I was devastated, but all the talk was friendly, and general, I was trying to give him space. a few times I did break down and cry and complain on phone though. after the 3 months, he still was not giving me much hope, so I started pressuring him to either start splitting up our stuff, or come back and work on relationship. he did ask to come back then. 2 days after he moved back, a woman showed up at the door to tell me she just wanted to make sure I knew that he had been really having an affair, she knew he hadn't been clear with me, and she though I should know. (how generous of her). oh ya, I did suspect it, but he denied it all the time. after all the yelling and screaming over that, he asked for forgivness, I forgave him, and things were starting to be nice again. 3 weeks after moving back, I found out they were talking again (she works accross the street from his job now). Althogh he said it was nothing, I did some snooping and found out they were having sex again. we had not reached that point in our relationship yet, and it hurt, but at least I wasn't sharing that with her. I told him I would not tolerate it, and he needed to stop contact. he promised he would, but after a few more weeks, it was clear he wasn't. So I told him if he wanted to be with her, he needed to go. I also made him promise he would go tell his mom, and brother that he had left me. I cried all night, then got furious. I called him the next afternoon, to tell him we needed to decide who gets house etc, because I needed to move on. he then confessed that 1 hour after going to her place, he broke down and told her that he felt he was making a mistake and couldn't leave me. he said he was going to stay with brother, while he thought it through. and asked if I could wait a while before discussing house and stuff. of course I started hoping again, and agreed. another 3 weeks went by, and I found out he had started staying over at her place, I didn't know about this NC thing, but we still didn't talk much, he would call in the morning to check on me, but i rarely called him, and we only saw each other 2 times in that month. well, the other woman couldn't stand that he wouldn't commit to her either, so she asked him to leave, until he could commit, and split the house and tell me it was over. he wouldn't, so now he is back here. even after he moved back, she still called all the time, and sends him text messages at least 4-5 times a day. he didn't tell me he was moving back to commit to me, he just needs more 'time' to figure out what he wants. but he did say he wanted to spend more time with me, and working on the house, to see if it 'felt' right. well, it has been 3 weeks here since he moved back, and He started staying out late with her again last weekend. The problem, is that the house is both of ours. I run a home based business, and I have no family here, so it is not very possible for me to leave. Also, I will probably get house, because he cannot afford on his own. I think I need to tell him to leave again, and I will definitely do NC, He says he loves us both, and knows he can make it work with whatever choice he makes, but seems incapable of choosing!! We have done alot of communicating over these months, and when he is here, and we are working together, we talk like there is a future. It is good. but tonight, he went over to her place, and I can't deal with it. is there any hope? I am afraid that if I ask him to leave, he wont, because he has been enjoying working around here. (he is the handyman type, he loves fixing things). he won't consider counseling now, although he said if we do stay together, he would consider it then to help us. is there some way I can structure this so I can keep my sanity? we have 18 years invested together, as well as many future dreams, (and just stuff!), otherwise, I would have been outa here long ago! If he leaves, even without making a decision, I think I will tell him not to call, until he has made a decision. is that how it should work, when you have all these possesions together? and neither is ready to split it yet? if you took the time to read all this, Thank You- even if no one answers me, it felt good to spill it out, I haven't been able unload all this on anyone else, because I don't want them to have bad feelings if we do stay together. well, ok, my mom knows!

wishful, I wish I could be sympathetic, as I am in somewhat of same position, but I am looking at this from other side. I am in same situation, but as the GF he is living with. We have been trying to see if our relationship is worth holding on too, but just as we start to get to a point of actually being able to work on it, the other woman starts contact again, and it gets him all confused. Contact being actually physical too. We are not moving forward due to this. and he will not make any decision. We do joke on occasion, and he has made that comment about having his cake and eating it too, so why should he choose? that really infuriates me. so, from my point, I would say you need to move away for a while!