Social phobia

[anonymous_presence]

You know how toddlers cling on to their mother's hand when they go someplace new? (well, some of them, anyway) To let go, they have to get over their fear of the world and realize that people aren't bad and aren't scary. Only then are they able to walk alone and discover the world for themselves.

 

What if you never really had that as a child and you're still afraid of people? Everyone has it more or less, manifested as a fear of rejection or a fear of commitment. But in some people it's so paralyzing that it's as if you're still a child, mute in public and needing a supporting hand to walk you through new situations that involve unfamiliar faces.

 

I hate being this way. It even comes down to simple things like saying "Hello," to people on the street. It turns you into a passive observer, and that's the worst kind of person out there (I come off as dull and boring, and understandably no one bothers trying to find out if there's something deeper to me beneath the icy exterior - hell, I wouldn't either if I were someone else). It violates without mercy the border between shyness and rudeness.

 

Any advice on dealing with this? I haven't seen a professional about it. Is it something you can outgrow with time and patience?

[easyguy]

Some feel as though they are just shy, which can be outgrown over time. And some feel abnormally shy. In the latter case, it could be because of social anxiety or social phobia. A disorder usually implies that it interferes with your day-to-day life, it's personally distressing, and it impairs normal functioning. If you feel like it's very difficult to fuction around other people, and you're stumped on what do to, you might want to seek professional help. Lots of people suffer from things like this, so don't feel like it's really weird. It's better to know then to not know.

 

You don't have to answer this if you don't want (but it might help), but how were you raised? Did you feel a secure attatchment to your parents (mom and/or dad) as an infant? Have you naturally been close to your parents, or have you felt more independent throughout your life?...

 

And being a passive observer is not a terrible thing. You can learn a lot about how people act and why they do the things they do by just observing, soaking it up like a sponge. So when you do talk, you have a little bit of depth, and not just "Blah blah blah blah...". There is a whole world to observe with those two eyes. I do it pretty often, but I don't consider myself an outcast. I'm just reclusive, not a Martian.

[tmp0620]

What a coincidance... I was just looking information about this up on the internet because I am now certain that I have avoidant personality disorder... here's some information on it:

 

link removed

 

It's horrible really, because you want closeness to other people but you have no way to get to know people that well because you're too preoccupied with other things when you're around people (things like the environment around you, everyone's reactions to you, overthinking what you've said and what you might say, wondering if you'll embaress yourself...etc.).

 

It's a really bad way to live, I can say that from experience. I end up having to come here to get social interaction usually. I have no close friends, never had a girlfriend, and even feel like I'm around strangers when I'm around my family.

[Haven]

Is it something you can outgrow with time and patience?

Is this affecting your life? Because if it is, then it's probably a disorder, and I'm pretty sure you can't "outgrow" that. You could try changing your mindset and practicing in social situations, and enlisting support from family/friends.. however, if you don't think you can do that, then you should probably get professional help.

[Alabama]

You can get over it. As you posted, you need to understand the world isn't as bad as you think. It can be very exciting and truly wonderful. If it is a big problem though, than it would be best to see a proffesional. I suggest before that though, try to do little things, first. Sum up the courage to randomly at times talk to people. I've found that helps, as you get comfortable eventually talking with and simply saying 'hi', to random strangers. From there try to build up from that and continue to talk to people. It will take time though, and through effort you can get over this.

[CHINOOKA]

Oh my! I sympathise so deeply with you those feelings are horrible. I think I have it somewhat too. My mom has had it all her life.

[anonymous_presence]

Thanks for all the advice!

 

Easyguy, the problem isn't necessarily my relationship with my parents, rather the fact that I was raised by the TV more than anything. Yup, hours and hours a day to my present day horror. So that means I got very little social interaction after school and on weekends, and wound up growing without the social skills needed to interact with my peers. I'm essentially developmentally lagged in the social department, hence the fear of people and the toddler analogy in my previous post. But my relationship with my parents is normal: close with one, distant with the other, so it kind of balances out. Whenever we go new places I tend to be more indepedent than when I'm home, oddly enough, because I'm paranoid about walking into people I already know - a highly discomforting thought.

 

By passive observer I mean someone who hears something offensive, perhaps an insulted targeted directly at me, and does nothing in response. It's like I'm a puppet or something and I follow all these cues to know when to smile and laugh and, when I muster the courage to talk, what exactly to say (something that rarely exceeds 3 words). I tend to nod at a lot, or shake my head (if I'm following the cues right), and all the while I'm hunched over in this awkward and unwelcoming position like I've got cramps or something, but by the expression of my face (a contorted smile) you would not so assume. It's not being like a sponge at all, but a tumbleweed, dry and frail and despicable. It doesn't root from wisdom or an appreciation of human nature (although I'd love to claim so), but from cowardice and retardation. I guess "passive observer" weren't the words I was looking for.

 

IronLion, I looked into that before and actually meet most of the criteria. It's hard to follow conversations for all the reasons you listed and for all the typical APD reasons. But for it to be a disorder, a professional has to diagnose it, so I don't exactly consider myself to have it. It's getting the professional that's the tricky bit. I don't think my parents would be very pleased about it.