Why is it so hard to let go?

[sweetsmile70]

Before when I broke up with someone it just wasnt this hard. This time it seems like I will never let go of my ex. It has been I think 9 months and I still think of him every single day even though i have a boyfriend who loves me. I just dont seem to feel as strong as i did for my ex and my new bf knows that. I just cant stand being alone cause then it would hurt even more.

i know my ex really loved me but that we had real big problems in our relationship for the last years. I really wanted to end the relationship and did everything i could to finish it or to make him finish it. Well finally he did, and i thought i would feel released, but after so many years i still miss him and love him. Is this really love or an obsession? Just the knowledge that he never ever wants anything to do with me anymore, make me think of him even more. Didnt he ever love me? did he forget me that quick? All i want to know is that he felt or feels as bad as i do. Then i think i could let it go, but i keep thinking that he might have never really loved me, or he met someone new. I have so many questions in my mind and i would like an answer but i will never get it, so how will i let go. He doesnt want anything to do with me so i cant ask as a ffiend even after such a long time. Any advise`?

[Caterina]

I have felt that way a few times...I don't know what to tell you other then that you should focus on other things the best you can...

[minnie]

Firstly i dont think you should be in a relationship right now, if your heart is not in it.

 

Unless your now boyfriend is happy with how you feel - its not fair on him.

 

You might benefit from counselling of some sort, as you find it hard to be alone.

It sounds like self esteem issues too, which is normal.

 

Once you have this sorted, i think it will be a whole lot easier to move on and accept things. x x

[Scout]

Firstly i dont think you should be in a relationship right now, if your heart is not in it.

 

Unless your now boyfriend is happy with how you feel - its not fair on him.

 

You might benefit from counselling of some sort, as you find it hard to be alone.

It sounds like self esteem issues too, which is normal.

 

Once you have this sorted, i think it will be a whole lot easier to move on and accept things. x x

 

I really have to second this. Hon, I am sure you know in your heart it's not fair to stay with someone simply so you won't be alone. It's only going to cause him the kind of pain you're suffering now, and you don't want to wish that on someone else.

 

And I also agree with Minnie that some counseling to sort this stuff out would be a terrific idea. It seems you had a clearer idea when you were in your previous relationship why it needed to end, but now you're a bit stuck and confused. If nine months later you're still feeling this way, perhaps now is the time to see someone to help you, well, get "unstuck."

[Scout]

Hi again...I just looked at one of your other threads, which gave some more insight into your previous relationship. It seems even then you found it hard to stay committed to one person. I am not judging you for this, but again, it's an issue a counselor might be able to help you with: why you feel you can't be alone, but yet can't wholeheartedly commit in a relationship.

 

Because I have a feeling if you got back with your ex...you'd start wondering the same thing about your current boyfriend.

 

And I don't know how old you are, but if you are younger, perhaps you're not ready or mature enough to settle into a serious relationship. I don't mean that in a negative way, either. But maybe you still have some "kicking up of the heels" left to do.

[opiate92]

yeah I'm only at the 4 month mark myself...still feeling like you do. Except I have the knowledge that she is already with someone else that she considers "better."

 

I'm already dating other people - wouldn't call anyone a girlfriend yet.. but I really don't feel the same about them. When I'm out with them all I can think of is "this would be so great if (insert ex's name here) was here..."

 

Some older guys I've talked to say that there is someone that broke their heart when they were younger that they always think about still to this day (decades later)... I don't seem to get the same response from women though - so maybe there is hope for you yet!

 

Perhaps those of us that have loved and lost will never "get over it." We'll just find someone else (hopefully) that can satisfy us as much and dull the pain.

[safeplay]

The reason for that is because you need to be on your own and not jump from man to man. You are going to end up married 3-5 times trying to figure out why why why.

[wdapooh]

I'm sure a lot of peole can agree with me when I say we've all been there so don't think there something wrong for feeling like that cause its cause its completely normal so don't beat yourself up for it too much. What I can tell you is this though, holding on to what you had in the past can either make you or break you it just all depends on how you look at it. I'm sure you at that reason were in the relationship had your reasons why you wanted to end it at that time so hold on to that. Remember the reason why you let him go in the first place and why you wanted to end the relationship so badly. Don't keep thinking of who he's with and what he's doing because he most likely moved on as you have. Just take the past relationship as a lesson in life you've learned from him as much as he did with you and thats all you can do. Concentrate on doing things for yourself and don't worry so much about him. If things were really meant for you guys to work things out then it would of happened back then or who knows in the future but for now don't worry about the "what if's?" Its ok to miss them and think about them once in a while but you can't kill yourself wondering what he's up to or who he is with.

[reninvioli]

We would all like to go back to the old times and reminisce of the old days, wishing things could be the way they were when things were "going along so well" as you can recall in your mind, but after being in so many relationships with different conflicts in each of them, you only learn afterwards.

 

From experience, i have gone through your exact situation. we all have breakups and think they could have been "the one" or "the love of our lives" and no matter what happens, we can't let them slip away. One thing I always reminded myself of is that if it were true love and meant to be in God's eyes, then it will happen. Things always happen for one reason or the other, whether or not we fully understand.

 

I took this bad experience of a "first love breakup" into a rebound relationship, my 2nd serious relationship, but even after an entire year i wasn't over the 1st. In my 2nd relationship, I had him do the most utterly unbelievable things just to prove his love for me and made me promise he would never leave me or stop loving me, but who honestly is flawless in their ways? Who could promise ever-lasting love? Even marriages collapse, who was i to tell someone to never let me go?

 

i never should have let the 1st relationship i had affect this 2nd one. sometimes the grieving process over someone takes a very long time, even up to a year or more (that was me) but you need to make sure you're over someone and that you're ready to move on. if you make someone your rebound intentionally or unintentionally, you end up hurting you, him/her, and possibly your future relationship with someone else.

 

it may be comforting at first, but soon you realize you don't love the person you're with, they just make you feel better or that filling this gap just doesn't seem to make you happy any more and playing with someone else's feelings ends up hurting you more.

 

long story short, takes me almost 4 years (till today) to figure out that when i was in my 2nd relationship, i wanted my first, when i was in my 3rd, i wanted my 2nd, and now that i'm not in one, i wanted to go back to the 3rd, the 2nd, and then even THOUGHT of the 1st as a possibility. Loneliness is hard to deal with, but remember that you are not alone because God is watching over you. We would all like to solve ALL our problems on our own, but that's just not possible because we're human. and the advice we give to other ppl, strangers, friends, families, and even OURSELVES don't seem to work all the time. they're not meant to.

 

but when you don't seem to be able to go to family or friends or a lover, don't forget you have always had someone near you in your heart. Maybe you won't understand now, but he will reveal himself sometime in your life and i hope you can feel your emptiness filled with happiness.

 

i've learned i am able to move on. i'm still in the process of doing so, but as i go through my challenges in life, God is with me, every step of the way.

 

reninvioli

[Riggz41510]

It is so easy to jump into another relationship just for the comfort. All you end up doing in the long run is hurting yourself. I know it all too well. I rebounded with a girl I had known for 9 years it made the transition easier, but my heart just wasn't into it, and she could tell..

 

I would lie and say I was depressed about other things, but she would always say the way I'm acting is like a person who is love sick.. And believe me that's what I was and still am..

 

I hate the feel and touch of another woman cause on my insides I'm wishing it was my ex.. Its a rough road... Its really no real piece if advice that works.. Just do what's best for you!!

[Beaker5]

You know, I totally agree with you guys on how hard it is to let go. Regardless of what my ex did to me, (cheated on me at least twice, and dumped me for her, and didn't tell me) I still miss him. I just wanted to make it work so bad. And all of his friends seemed to be in a healthy relationship and I just really wanted to make him happy. But he always seemed to be searching for someone else. Even when we were perfect with each other in the first year, he left me for someone else, then came back. I accepted him back because I didn't know that he was with that someone. We always told each other that we would be together forever but he just jumped into the arms of another woman. I miss him so much and I'm wondering if he's thinking of me.

[lilac_indi]

do you know i am going through the whole 'its too hard to let go' thing as well at the moment. my ex broke up with me two months ago and i found out yesterday that he has got a new gf which killed me and makes me think of him even more. he treated me soo badly and he played mind games with me after the split but i still cant seem to forget him. i wish i could - since he has moved on so soon it is evident he didnt care about me at all and that he didnt miss me one bit. i wish i wasnt soo weak.