I dont get it.. and why..?

[ijustcantbelieveit]

Hi. I have been with my girl for almost 2 years now. She was my best friend before I became her boyfriend, and she still is my best friend. We also share the love and passion for many similar interests and hobbies, and basically, there is an extraordinarily tight bond between me and her. All her friends (as well as my friends) say me and her seem so mushy, and they've never seen a couple as close as us. But here's the thing..

 

We don't really fight much; whenever we do, it usually gets cleared up and resolved pretty quickly. But for the past few months, she hasn't been very happy to people in general. She has been losin a lot of friends she once had, and has been ventin her anger at people more often. She is younger than me, and not 100% mature, as she is still in her middle adolescent years, and I am about 3 years older than her. As intelligent as she is, she still doesn't know how to hold back negative feelins sometimes. Now, one problem is, I have been occasionaly been a target for her ventin, but she will often regret it after. I do not mind this, actually, so I guess it's not really a problem, since I understand her situation (she had a very very bad past). But, due to her bein more open, in one of our "arguments", she had told me that once she was questionin about us bein right for each other, and she said she always wanted to date other people to see what life would've been like. Now, eventually, the argument went away, and things seemed to clear up about the fight, and she even told me she never meant to question about us bein right for each other, and she tells me she knows we're right for each other. But then, this is where it becomes strange..

 

I had asked her about the thing she said about datin other people. I asked her if she said that just because she was angry, or if she really truly does feel that way. unfortunately, and to my surprise and horror, she said yes, she does feel that way, but she can change those feelins. I was kinda glad that she admitted that to me and was honest enough to tell me, but I am kinda upset to know she would feel that way. Even though she tells me she can change that whole mindset for me, it is somewhat heartbreakin to know that she could ever have interest in wantin to date other people, when before she had always been tellin me how she could never fall for anyone else, how she knows I'm the one, and how she just loves bein with me so much. Also, several months ago, a friend of hers was datin other guys to see if she really had found the right person. My girl said that even though she won't hate on her, she could never do that to me. But.. now what she said basically contradicts all that. She had told me she would've liked to do that. I don't get it.. why would she even think that way? I mean.. I'm glad she's tellin me she's gonna change that mindset for me, but it seems hurtful enough that she could ever really think that after all she's told me. Why would she say that, and what should I do..? I don't know what to think right now..

 

Also, I am wonderin what she would say if I said to her "you know about that datin other people thing? What if I said yes, go ahead and date others. Would you actually do so?", but I am afraid of askin her such, as it might upset her greatly.

 

Oh, incase you want to know about how she has been treatin me lately, she is still very sweet, kind and lovin in general. She often smiles around me, and I can still make her happy, and she often tells me "I love you" and such. But.. I still can't get that thing outta my mind... knowin that she could've ever desired such a thing.. especially after all we've gone through, how close we've become, and after all she's told me. She really clings to me and shows me a lot of tender love and incredible affection, but it's so.. hypocritical almost, for her to ever had possessed such desires. I would never break up with her over somethin like this, and like I've said before, I am glad she's willin to erase that from her, but it is very unsettlin to acknowledge that she was once thinkin that way. It's kinda makin me feel very down.. depressed almost, and self-esteem at a low.

[wdapooh]

Hey I just finished reading your situation and couldn't help to tell you what I thought about it.

 

The whole fact that she told you she would want to date other people is very hard to just ignore so I don't think you should just leave it aside and hope that it goes away. Cause its just going to drive you crazy wondering if shes happy or whats going through her mind every single day. Don't kill yourself like that. And I don't think your scared to upset her by really asking her if you told her to go ahead and date other people I think your scared of what her answer might be.

 

I know you've been friends for a long time before you guys became a couple so more then ever you guys have an open relationship where you've always been honest to one and other so why not try to get this cleared up? It might not be stuff you want to hear or who knows it might just be something she's going through that she just doesn't really feel the need to be around anyone right now. I really don't know but what I do know is that you should talk to her and clear this up. Its important not just for you but for her as well.

 

You just have to prepare yourself to be ready to hear how she feels about everything.

 

Being in a relationship with someone who you feel might be "the one" and feel that maybe you didn't have enough experience may lead to cheating later on in the relationship so its best to clear it up now then later. I'm not saying your doing anything wrong just sometimes a person needs to find out why she feels as if there is something missing in the relationship so talk to her I hope it works out for the best and like I said it maybe that she is just having a rough time right now so find out what she wants.

Good luck

[ijustcantbelieveit]

Yeah, you're probably right. And yes, you are right about me bein more afraid of what her answer would be. You see.. I have strict beliefs about fidelity. I believe that fantasizin about another guy is an infidelity, even though obviously physical cheatin is much worse. thereforeeee, things like these do disturb me, and I should follow your advice about lettin this happen. I know my girl has a very strong will power - she had told me it's completely against her morals and values to ever cheat on me, but havin a mindset about "bein with others" seems just as hurtful to me. I gotta get it outta her. But if her answer is a "yes, I would", what should I do? I honestly don't know how I would react. It would drive me off the wall. That's like sayin "if I let you make out with another guy, would you actually do it?" and she says "yes". Although my example is somewhat extreme, I don't know how I will handle it knowin if she would actually be willin to do it. I'm incredibly confused right now.. I don't ever want to lose her or break up with her, I'd be losin too much. Her friends tell her they'd kill her if she ever broke up with me (for some kinda stupid reason) or ever did somethin unfaithful, and I am just very confused about how to react incase I have to deal with the worst case scenario (which would be her sayin "yes, I would date other guys if you let me").

[anonymous_presence]

The problem probably has more to do with her current problems: why is she acting the way she in recent months? What has caused her to be more aggressive and lose some of her friends? It may just be a phase, but is it showing any signs of alleviating?

 

That she said she considered being with other guys isn't unusual. In context, with her wondering what it would have been like otherwise, it seems like she's unhappy with her current situation and is wondering how things would be like if they were different. This doesn't necessarily have to do with your relationship: she just isn't very happy right now with things in general and is going through a rough time for whatever reason, and is going through a series of "What if...?"s as a result, and because you constitute a major part of her life, you're going to be one of those, "What if...?"s.

 

The seeing other guys thing also has to do with her age. When you're young, it's time for exploration. Some people can go by just fine without it, but others need it to realize what they're missing. It's okay if she wonders about that - it's not exactly infidelity. It's natural - everyone in a relationship wonders about that at a certain point. It's a test, if you will, and if she comes back with all ten fingers, then that only makes your relationship stronger.

 

The thing is that you seem to be dependent on the idea that she will "change her mindset." What if she doesn't? What will that mean in terms of what you do? How long will you give her to do that? What exactly do you mean by that anyway? You mean that she will no longer think about dating other people?

 

You see, this isn't an exact science here. You can't gauge the rate at which she changes her mindset. You're going to have to redefine what exactly it is you want from her, but you can't just expect her to change who she is and suppress natural desires. It seems like she wanted to date other people to see how things would have been different (a "What if?") rather than to not be with you or anything like that. Give her some time and mental freedom to discover what she needs at the moment, and give her some support while she's working out her past issues and trying to sort out whatever it is that's making her be less social and different than what she normally is like.

[Momene]

Even those of us married for ages will sometimes wonder if the new hot neighbour or the sexy new girl/guy at work might give us something that our partner doesn't. It doesn't make us bad people, it's just natural curiosity.

 

I don't know how old you are but perhaps she's thinking she loves you but isn't sure if she sees herself married to you in as many years as it takes for it to be feasible.

 

I wouldn't take a break to let her "cheat" and then get back together, as it would cause untold jealousy. If she promises that she won't cheat while you're together, it's fine but if she can't make that promise, you should split. Don't make any plans or hopes to get back together later.

[JustNormal]

Okdokey. The two things that are important is that she is losing friends and she wants to have sex with other guys. I would have to say that she has serious family problems if she's lucky and if she's not lucky she's developing a mental disorder. All those fun mental disorders hit after puberty and they really start rocking in early adulthood. Snapping in college, that kind of thing.

 

Keep in mind, please.. And I'll say this again- Please understand that this is not about you. She is messed up and needs help that you may not be able to give her. If it's something clear cut like her mother has 4 husbands at the same time, then yea, you may be able to clarify the problem. But if it's permanent like her father molested her and raped her, then no, you can't help her. She has to do that herself without you harping on her for affection.

 

What would I do. I would call her bluff and then some. I would dump her and date other girls my own age or older. If you can get a girl out of college, that would probably be the best bet. College folks don't work for a living and thereforeeee don't see any value in a loyal man. I'm using hindsight here, because this also happened to me with one girl. And sadly, I choose to stick it out until I realized she was bat * * * * crazy. And there ain't no cure for crazy.

 

That's what I would do. It sounds cold and heartless but it isn't. She wants it, and you want to preserve your morals and sanity. You can both have what you want. After that, maybe she'll get her act together and realize that friends and family are all that you get to keep in this world.