My husband had flings when we were going around

[Sonalika]

Hi,

 

I am married to my boyfriend for 3 yrs for 2 months now. We had a long distance relationship for 2 years. But we are very compatible and love each other a lot so we decided that we should marry.

 

Just a fortnight before the wedding, I came to know that while i was away, he had been flirting with his other women friends. He had projected that he had broken up with me so that he could flaunt his 'single' status. He was a little too much into one of these girls who lives abroad and is married. She apparently had a bad time in her marriage and he was her support system. They used to say "I love you" and "Want to spend the rest of my life with you" kind of statements in emails. He also used to speak to her often on the phone too but i dont know the details of the conversations they had.

 

Though there was no physical contact, they were intimate via emails and it hurt me too much when I came to know about it. They said things like "I miss your cute face" and "I dreamt about you"... When I confronted him, he felt miserable and swore that he did it only for the attention he got n that he loved only me all along. He even threatened to end his life if i left him. I loved him too much and had always been true to him all these years. I agreed to marry because I couldnt think of a life without him.

 

Now, we've been married for 2 months and he has stopped all communication with his old girlfriends. But sometimes when I remember the content of the emails i saw or when i see his phone bills and wonder at the no of text messages he sent to these girls (till 2 in the morn!) i feel miserable and end up fighting and crying. He never says anything back, just keeps quiet and lets me vent out my anger. I have the habit of saying mean things when I am angry and then repenting later.

 

I want a happy life with him but this pain and hurt doesnt seem to go away. I feel like digging into everything he ever said or did with this women. I feel like knowing every single detail. But he keeps quiet and doesnt tell me anything and I feel frustated and helpless. I feel that maybe i was not worth him and that is why he strayed even after getting so much love and attention from me.

 

Pls can someone help me and advice me on how to deal with my hurt and frustation?

[nottoogreen]

Hi Sonalika,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone,

 

He feels guilty in a way and he does not know how to talk to you to make you feel better, so he let's you vent. Venting is not a solution though.

 

I appreciate your feelings about before, but as you are married and as he has stopped all contacts with other women should you be able to overcome the past together.

 

It is important you resolve this soon as it eats away on both your relationship.

 

Please sit down with him and explain to him you want an open talk. Guess he will be uncomfortable to open up, please be patient with him and explain to him you want to leave the past which hurts you behind.

 

If you can't talk to him/he refuses, counseling together with him is another option.

[DN]

This is now about you not about him.

 

You knew about this and married him anyway - time for you to stop bringing this up. I don't think talking about it will help. You both know how you feel about it and what the problem was.

 

What is he supposed to do to make you feel better? He already apologised, he married you and he does not talk to her any longer.

 

You are allowing something that happened in the past to affect you now and unless you stop it will affect your future.

 

You are corroding your marriage. If you love him and want him to continue to love you it is time to make a decision to get past this and get on with making your marriage happy. It's your decision and it's time to stop blaming him.

 

I have the habit of saying mean things when I am angry and then repenting later.

 

Every time you do that you are causing damage to your marriage - at some point you will damage it beyond repair.

[Momene]

I'm NOT excusing him but I think he was doing it to get attention and it may have been a way of dealing with the long distance issues. Had the girls lived in the same street, it would probably not have happened.

[Sonalika]

Thanks a lot for the advice. I have suggested counselling but he hates the idea of involving a third party to resolve issues between us. I do realise that this constant venting of anger will make him cold towards me. I do feel scared sometimes because inspite of everything, I love him a lot. I am trying to do some deep breathing and say a small prayer whenever the hurt comes. My only problem now is that why do I want to dig out the details of what he did? How can I stop these thoughts from runnning into my mind?

[nottoogreen]

I am not surprised he avoids opening up. If he does not talk and avoids your anger, you will not resolve your anger. You will get worse as time goes by, so you should fix it soon.

 

If he does not want counseling, he should open up to you about the whole story while you were away. And he should open up and listen and understand your feelings.

 

You have to work on him. He is scared as a 5 year old and just want's it to go away.

[Momene]

Thanks a lot for the advice. I have suggested counselling but he hates the idea of involving a third party to resolve issues between us. I do realise that this constant venting of anger will make him cold towards me. I do feel scared sometimes because inspite of everything, I love him a lot. I am trying to do some deep breathing and say a small prayer whenever the hurt comes. My only problem now is that why do I want to dig out the details of what he did? How can I stop these thoughts from runnning into my mind?

 

Believe me, counselling is far better with an impartial stranger than confiding in friends and family who are likely to take sides.

 

I find this board is far more helpful.

 

Perhaps you could go to counselling to sort out your own problems.

 

I'd say it's likely that he won't repeat this behaviour, especially as the situation you're in has changed but your job is to tell your subsconscious that, which is easier said than done.

[Sonalika]

I feel much better after reading the advice given.. Thanks a lot guys. I am glad I talked about my problem in this forum. I am working on forgetting and more important.. on forgiving. Though I must admit that I am still insecure and worry that this may happen again... I will try to persuade him for counselling again.

[nottoogreen]

Sonalika,

 

Worry/mistrust is almost as bad as lies or cheating, please work on you relationship together. Do not push him away. The solution is in being closer.

 

Do talk together, open feelings, make love, be close...both of you really fall in love again.

 

You have time

[Sonalika]

Yeah.. what you say makes so much sense. Dont know why I become so guy.. impulsive sometimes. Maybe because ever since I met him, I have not even thought of any other guy.. so the thought of him showing interest in another women makes me so disillusioned about love.

 

I WILL put in my best to forgive and let the past go by and I WILL make this relationship work. Rest is destiny.

[nottoogreen]

Yeah.. what you say makes so much sense. Dont know why I become so guy.. impulsive sometimes. Maybe because ever since I met him, I have not even thought of any other guy.. so the thought of him showing interest in another women makes me so disillusioned about love.

 

I WILL put in my best to forgive and let the past go by and I WILL make this relationship work. Rest is destiny.

 

Find some balance for yourself, working out, swimming, biking, some hobby, even a punching bag

 

You want to find out why he is interested in another woman, forward not by mistrust.

[Momene]

To be fair, I think the interest was past tense and mostly because of the long distance aspect.

[nottoogreen]

To be fair, I think the interest was past tense and mostly because of the long distance aspect.

 

OK, possibly, but it should be put to rest after opening up. Done it successfuly with my gf.

[Sonalika]

Hi, its been 8 mnths now since we've been married and things were really shaping up for good but suddenly i got another jolt when i found that one of his friends that he is still in touch with was also one of the women he dated/ flirted with.. i developed frinedship with that girl and it was so humiliating to find out that he lied to me abt how he interacted with her while we were going arnd.. i saw a few flirtatious mails saying 'i wanna marry u' n 'waiting to see u' n 'mmuaaah sweets' etc..

another confrontation led to a bigger shock.. he said that he never loved me and that its just that i loved him so much n that we had slept together that he felt that sense of belonging with me... with this also came out a few more names n events that occurred during our long distance relationship.. which included touching and kissing 'on the cheek'.. this was just months before our wedding...

i feel very disillusioned with my marriage n my relationship with him as i married him thinking that he loved me but the fact is that he never did.. i want a way out of this as this is killing me.. i feel suffocated, sometimes feel i cant breathe.

i havent discussed it with anyone in this world.. pls pls help me. what should i do?