Need to Work on Myself First.....

[hurtingrl]

Hello everyone.....it's funny that I haven't visited this forum since my last breakup but I'm glad that I know about this site this time around because the posts are so helpful.

 

So here goes....

 

Broke up with a love about a year ago because the LDR wasn't working....absolutely heart breaking and a tough break-up.

 

Well last fall, trust me I was not looking for anything and then I found the person I am currently in love with.....he is was/is so caring and wonderful as as much as I had my guard up because I did not want to get hurt again, we fell in love. I love him with all my heart and care about him so much.....he says I am the best girlfriend as far as thinking of him, caring for him and him being able to trust me too....everything was great except for the issue below.

 

Well things have been rough these past few months....honeymoon stage passed (expected) but then things got really rough.

 

I mostly blame myself because I am having one of those quarter-life crises started in feb or so, not sure about my job, stressing out, worrying, depressed etc. It is hard because the reason I moved out here was my job, I put 200% into it and with a sudden illness of a co-worker it made me realize that close relationships are more important than any job will be and I feel that I am lacking in that department....

 

Because I am such a workaholic and put my extra time into this new bf, I have not made many friends out here. I don't have a close relationship with my family so it is tough for my bf and I know it's not fair to put so much pressure on him.

 

In May especially I have been working way too much, getting little sleep and my body crashed. I saw a doctor and he wanted me to see a therapist, which I am because I have other problems that cause my anxiety (being in the WTC on 9/11, losing both parents to cancer and another fatal illness at some point in my life, etc)

 

The problem with my bf is that he is one that tries to fix everything and if he can't he gets frustrated with me. I am trying to explain to him that this is something that I am going through and I don't expect him to fix it but just be there to listen. This issue has caused many fights recently.....

 

Anyway I think he is sick of me being down and negative.....and neither of us want to break up because we both love each other so much but it has been really trying for both of us.

 

Should I give up on this? I know I need to work on myself first but I don't know if I have to do it on my own (without a bf) or not? I don't want to lose him but maybe I am being selfish.

 

So I really do think this is a case of "I need to figure out things on my own/work on myself" issue. I know that I shouldn't blame myself for everything but I just can't help thinking that I have too much emotional baggage for any guy to be able to put up with me. Although my last break-up was different, I feel that the similarity is that I "pushed" them away.

 

I do have alot going for me, great job, living in a great city but I can't help feeling overwhelmed and lost especially now that he is questioning being with me anymore. He is the one thing that has been keeping me going in my current state and I don't think he understands that because I am not smiling/laughing as much anymore. Another thing is that he get disappointed when he tries so hard but I am still depressed. I guess my issues are beyond his efforts.

 

I would hate to lose someone I love so much because of this.

 

I don't know what to do. Should we take a break?

[tylercdurden2004]

The problem with my bf is that he is one that tries to fix everything and if he can't he gets frustrated with me. I am trying to explain to him that this is something that I am going through and I don't expect him to fix it but just be there to listen. This issue has caused many fights recently.....

 

How often are these problems that your BF is trying to fix coming up? Are they reoccurring? Are you taking active steps to do someting about them? It just a guess but I can see that maybe he feels left out of the relationship if it is all about you. Is your "time" together filled with you talking about your problems, you being tired from too much work etc. From what you have said it sounds like he is your dumping ground for your issues. He may very well be feelig like he is taken advantage of, in that you are free to do what ever and then expect him to take the brunt of what ever it is that is stressing you, depressing you etc. Maybe he wants to "fix" things so that he can have YOU, so that he can be with you enjoy you with out some issue you are having taking precedent. I know you want him to be there and just LISTEN but remember he is your BF not your therapist. Listening only goes so far.

 

Anyway I think he is sick of me being down and negative.....and neither of us want to break up because we both love each other so much but it has been really trying for both of us.

 

To me it sounds like he loves you an maybe is giving you a subtle hint or warning that he is at the end of his rope. If he is putting all teh effort into the RELATIONSHIP ie he is the one there for you, he is the one doing all the listening, he may very well be seeing this as an ongoing pattern and wondering when he is going to get something out of this relationship. And yes being depressed and negative does take its toll.

 

 

Should I give up on this? I know I need to work on myself first but I don't know if I have to do it on my own (without a bf) or not? I don't want to lose him but maybe I am being selfish.

I think you are insightful for at least thinking about this. Only you will be able to tell but I think you might be on the right track with this. You cant really be there for someone else until you are there for yourself. Again if he sees taht you are unable or unwilling to deal with your issues he may be thinking "hey what happens when I need a shoulder to cry on?" Myabe you need to take some significant time to yourself and and deal with whatever is an issue for you. Take time to learn to deal with negative issues in general.

 

If you do decide to do this DO NOT have a BREAK but breakup. Do not give him false hope that everything might be ok in the future. If you truly love him let him go and if in 1, 2, 3 years time you are sorted and you meet up again then mayeb try. But dont take huim down the road if you are not sure. It will only end up in heartache for him.

[hurtingrl]

Thanks so much. I guess I am confused with your last paragraph.

 

"Do not give him false hope that everything might be ok in the future."

 

Ok with me or ok with us? If I get professional help I'm sure that I will get better. As far as us I would have no idea.

[hurtingrl]

So I need advice about details. at work yesterday we pretty much broke up over an e-mail thread.

 

His last two:

#1

"Even if you think I am perfect, which by enlarge I AM NOT PERFECT....

I have my own problems to deal with too. I am still at a point where I am trying to find myself. If I spend all my time worrying and thinking about you and trying to help you through your rough times, I can not even help myself.

 

You have WAY TOO MUCH on your plate right now to worry about me... Work, Moving, school, MED school, your own friends, family, etc.... I think we need time apart.

If that means never seeing eachother ever again, I and willing to take that risk, because you have a lot to accomplish in the next few years. And relying on a Loved one 100% of their time is not going to be easy.

 

You are the most beautiful girl I have ever dated, and the most talented... I have never loved a girl as much as I loved you. I do not want to lose you, but I am willing too lose you for your own good...

 

I am going have to let you go until I come back from Italy. At that time I will try to get in touch with you... and we can go from there....

 

If you never want to see me... I will be hurt, but willing to deal, just as long as you find yourself... and someone that is willing to make the effort that I have tried up to now..."

 

I wrote back...."these are not the first time I've heard these words....goodbye X"

 

#2: "But I dont think you understand how much I have done to keep you close, but my fustration is too strong right now.

 

I make verys said, that you don't see anything from my eyes...

 

I do think this will ever work... especially if we keep blaming each other.

If those are you final words ('good-bye'), then I will have to except them....

 

I am truly sorry to so you go... but i think it for the best..."

 

I do see things from his eyes! Its just so hard to say everything you want to say through e-mail. I want to be a better person for this to work (for me and for us) but don't know if it's too late.

 

We literally had our last fight the night before over the phone and then over e-mail at work the next day. I don't want things to end this way and I spoke with a friend about it. I left a vm and e-mail and said:

 

" I also left you a voicemail, but I think it would be good for us to meet in person sometime next week to talk over coffee (or some other drink for you), not necessarily to be together right away (if that is even what is best for us) but I think it would help us both.....

 

Considering last night we were both tired and frustrated in our phone conversation and e-mail tends to exacerbate the negative I don't want our last good-bye's to be based on that alone. I do not want your last (and lasting) impression of me to be based on these e-mails and I would think that you wouldn't as well. I do see things from your eyes and appreciate your efforts and I believe you feel the same towards me.... that may not be enough but I think that an in person conversation would at minimum bring that to closure.

 

Have a great time this evening and perhaps I will talk to you after our emotions settle down a little bit"

I will wait to hear from him but it is killing me. I don't expect to hear from him this weekend but don't want to not hear from him before he leaves for Italy this Friday. I am just afraid that he will come back and realize he doesn't want to be with me permanently because of his last impressions on the e-mail thread......

 

My questions is Is it too late already? From his last e-mails do you think he has given up on me already?

[tylercdurden2004]

Okay I sent you a PM.

[hurtingrl]

Thanks Tyler.

 

Anyone else have any advice?

[HardShowingAffection]

He seems really frustrated, in the fact that he seems to be giving and giving and not getting what he wants in return.

 

To me, this seems like a relationship where you two are not working to meet one anothers' needs. It seems like he is working to 'fix' what he sees wrong. Common of men, that is just how we work. What you are needing from him, is to just listen to you, to validate your feelings, understand your emotions. This in turn, is causing you to get frustrated, and in the end, you have two people who love one another, who would do anything for one another, yet are both frustrated and distancing themselves from one another because their meets are not being met.

 

You need to work on your modes of communication. You need to find yourself. You need to make your needs known to him, and he needs to make his known to you. It really sounds like you need to work on yourself for YOU! Only then will you be able to truly extend your love to him.

 

For the sake of your relationship, I would read some books. Two good ones for you are:

 

"The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Riuz

"The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Riuz.

 

They will help you wake-up and snap out of this rut you seem to have gotten yourself into. For your relationship, read:

 

"Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw

 

He needs to realize that 'fixing' the problems isn't exactly what you need right now. Just how men and women work differently. Women work on emotions, men on logic. Always has been instinct, and probably always will be.

[need2bme]

and a therapist told me that the reason I do that, is because I do not like myself. I don't and I am working on that. I think that sometimes your other half should show you that you mean something. If he has and you still dump on him, maybe it is something else.

 

Sometimes, I must say to myself that I am worth something, to make myself believe it.

 

I am 40 years old and want to find out what I want. I know that hating myself has not worked and trying to compare myself to everyone else has not either.

 

I think your comment about relationships meaning more than jobs is spot on, but in my industry it is hard to find a job.

 

Good luck...