too much in my mind right now

[QTpie87]

ok so this might be a little long but I really need to vent and get some feed back. it's been a while that i've come here for help, but I really need it.

 

Ok so I met this wonderful guy of my dreams through a friend. He was an ex druggy, I unfortunitly got into drugs for a while (totally out of them now) and I got him right back into them (he is also totally out of them now with me for about 4 or 5 months). Well anyway we sat up the night I met him until like 10am just talking about everything, a week later we both decided we really cared for the other and started dating. We had a great 2 months of cuddely and lovey dovey dating. We both grew really really attatched, but then the drugs started to mess everything up. We faught too much and everything went down hill. I was getting clingy cause I thought I was losing him and he was wanting more and more space. Now we stayed with eachother and didn't mess around with anyone for a long time like 3 or 4 months. But we weren't really dating we were just trying to fix things and then get back together. Well it didn't get better. I accused him of cheating and lieing to me all the time, and he accused me of lieing and kept telling me I should trust him. Well I met his best friend who he hadn't seen in like 3 years or more, and who is a whole lot like him, only treated me a whole lot better like My ex treated me when we first met. well jason (his friend) kept pulling me aside and telling me how beautiful i was, what a good person he thought I was, and that I could have anyone I wanted and Ian (my ex) should be treating me a lot better. so long story short with that part of the story I started to fall for his best friend while trying to fix things with Ian. I liked (still like) jason a lot, but the love I had and always will have for Ian kept me staying with Ian to try and fix things. Well we got in a lot of trouble (the three of us) for telling 2 of our other friends (who ran away) that the only way they could hang out with us this one night is if they let us take them home and stopped trying to hide from their families the following morning. Well we get caught before the next morning and jason is on probation so we tell the girls good by and go back to town to talk to the cops. Ian and I get off with a ticket and community service (yes i feel so dumb now). Jason keeps hiding out until he can talk to his probation officer. Well we had no where to stay so Ian went to stay at his moms that night and Jason and I went to one of his friends homes for the night. all night he keeps on telling me how beautiful I am, how I could have anyone, and we end up making out (Ian doesn't know about this I felt horrible cause I was confused). Well the next morning we go talk to his probation officer and he is taken to jail. He is all huggy and all and when he got in the cop car the cop told me I could go say buy but not to reach in the car. He askes me for a kiss and I felt so bad cause at this point I realize I really do like him yet I have to tell him no and told him it was because of the cop. Well as the story keeps going, I get pregnant from Ian cause things started to get back to normal and we were almost back together. the whole time I was pregnant he treated me like a goddess, went to my dr. visits, called around for me for info, took care of me, wouldn't let me do things that could make me miscarry. we were looking for names and everything. Then I have a misscarrage, and it was all because of how I drank the night we got caught with the girls (the run aways). He was so sad but didn't blame me at all. he kept telling me if god wanted you to have the baby you would have had it. made me feel a lot better (even though im still having bad times with it). Well then things went down again and got really really bad, worse then ever with my depression, getting clingy, and him blowing me off the whole time. We are now not trying anymore, we decided to just stay friends. and to be very honest, im so much happier not fighting and everything is just good again, yet im having a really hard time letting go of what we had. . I'm better, yet worse. I feel like im doing really good but then out of no where I have a break down and cry my eyes out blaming myself for everything. My mom and everyone said he was bad news and didn't treat me right but I loved that man so much. I'm only just turning 19, I shouldn't have this stuff happening yet. it hurts and I don't know how to let go. I feel like it might be acward being friends, I don't know how to not look at him as the man I love. I love him still, and it's not the same but there will always be that ? what if floating around in the back of my mind. Now I realize I really do care for his friend too and there might be something there, and when he gets out of jail in july (no he's not bad he just messed up a little) I'm willing to try it, but I can't get so attatched again,and im so afraid of possibly falling for him like I did for ian and getting my heart ripped out. Everyone says i seem so much happier now but I don't know what I am.

someone please give me some feed back, say anything please.

signing out,

Qtpie87

[friscodj]

Wow, what a story! I'm hanging on the edge of my seat waiting for more...

 

There certainly is a lot in there to talk about. Wow. Sex, drugs, jail, pregnancy, friends trying to snatch other friend's girlfriend, there's so much to say...

 

But onto your point about getting over him, being happy, etc. I think you guys have a ton of history together and a pregnancy. That pregnancy was huge because it made your boyfriend (or what ever you refer to Ian as) essentially wake up and start treating you really well. I can't imagine what was going through your head, the plans for the future, how you would parent the child, etc. That pregnancy really took you guys to another level I think whether you realize it or not.

 

Now, with that said, let me ask you this: when you found out you were pregnant, you must have looked at Ian as a father now. What did you think about that?

 

I think from what you've written you should really think about this. I mean really think about this. If you decide to get back together with him, I think you should go all or nothing. It sounds like a friendship would be too weird and awkward with him. You could use this time he is incarcerated as a way of starting to move on too. I mean, he's gone for another month and that would be a good time to start getting over this if that's what you want.

 

In my opinion, you guys sound like a disaster waiting to happen. I mean, you got each other back into drugs, fight a lot, in trouble with the law together, you're clingy...this certainly isn't a healthy situation I hate to say...and you guys almost brought a child into this mess...

[QTpie87]

yeah having a friendship will be really really acward, but i'll never stop caring for him, i just want a way to make it work cause he still wants to be friends too. I don't know anymore. im so confused.

 

Oh and the dude that's gonna be gone for a month, that's his friend, it's not ian so he wont be gone for a month his friend jason whom I started to fall for is.

[friscodj]

I think you should focus on getting less confused before you start making decisions. Being alone and away for a while to let things settle down is far better than making a confused decision...or several confused decisions...at least that's been my experience...

[friscodj]

And for what it's worth, I think you deserve better than guys who use drugs and go to jail...

[serenity25]

And for what it's worth, I think you deserve better than guys who use drugs and go to jail...

 

Oh come on friscodj, those are some pretty high standards..

 

Seriously, it is amazing what are are willing to put up with for relationships sometimes regardless of how unhealthy it is. Friscodj is right- you deserve better. It sounds like you would benefit from just concentrating on yourself for awhile, learn to love yourself and enjoy just being on your own before getting involved again. You really won't be able to find or keep real happiness with anyone else until you find it within yourself. It's obvious that you have a great deal of strength to have pulled yourself through some hard times. Give yourself some credit and stop to think of the one person who needs and deserves your attention and love the most- you.

[friscodj]

Seriously, it is amazing what are are willing to put up with for relationships sometimes regardless of how unhealthy it is. Friscodj is right- you deserve better. It sounds like you would benefit from just concentrating on yourself for awhile, learn to love yourself and enjoy just being on your own before getting involved again. You really won't be able to find or keep real happiness with anyone else until you find it within yourself. It's obvious that you have a great deal of strength to have pulled yourself through some hard times. Give yourself some credit and stop to think of the one person who needs and deserves your attention and love the most- you.

 

Good post... =D>