She said she just does not feel like having sex..

[drake]

History: Me 26 her 27 broken up a couple times. Recently we have been together for about 4 months after being apart for a year. Known each other for about 3 years.

 

Basically our sex life is in shambles. She says she has zero sex drive right now and is not sure why. She said this has happen with 2 other ex's as well. She has recently gotten off birth control and started working out to see if her drive would come back. She said this is normal for her. She goes in waves. She also claims that guys in the past have complained about it as well.

 

Me, I think its mental with her. She said that there is a lot of pressure to have sex. I said from what?? She said that she knows that when she comes over that I am going to want sex. I said, that is probably true simply because we only sleep in the same bed maybe twice a week. That is why I wonder if this would even be a problem if we lived together. None the less, not sure how to get rid of that pressure other then my recent sting of saying there is no condoms.........so no worries about sex cause we cant have it anyways. Her last excuse was that I was to big for her. When we first started having sex, she bragged about my size, now its an issue...... She thinks maybe it is because she went almost a year without sex.

 

This is killing my confidence and my relationship. I want to leave her because I feel I can do better in the aspect of finding a girl more sexually compatible. Also my sexual confidence is at an all time low. My stamina is down to nothing. I told her...what does she expect when we only have sex 1-2 times a month?? When we first got together we were like little bunnies, not using condoms and I was lasting as long as I wanted. Those days are long gone.

 

Side note: She told me that oral has never gotten her there and never will. Manual stimulation and vibrators also do nothing for her. The only way for her to orgasm is to do this speacial breathing technique and or constant penetration which at the moment she is not getting from me.

 

I want my old sexual girlfriend back, but I feel as though this is a losing battle. She says she wants to have my kids and has never loved anyone like me. But I am not that stupid. If her sex drive is bad now, I cant imagine after marriage and kids.

 

Advice??

[Cadence308]

Sounds like neither of you are really happy in this relationship. She complains that she thinks that you expect sex and your size is too large. You want more sex than she is willing to participate in. I suggest you consider ending things and finding someone more compatible.

[RayKay]

Well, it sounds like she recognizes it IS an issue, and is taking steps to work on that. That is indeed a very important thing, and shows to me she does find this concerning too. She is not just brushing it aside as YOUR problem.

 

As I posted to someone else today, hormonal birth control can indeed be part of the issue. It affects your endocrine system, and binds with testosterone, which does affect your libido/sex drive. So, her going off that IS a step. So is exercise, it will make her feel better about her own body, feel a bit sexier, and the endorphins will carry through.

 

Maybe part of it IS mental, but I will not also deny that the libido is VERY closely tied to the hormonal balance, and to body image as well. So these steps she is taking are positive ones.

 

She may not even know herself right now what is going on, just that it DOES feel different, and that it IS not there as it was before. Sometimes this is also related to the relationship. If she is feeling a bit insecure, or taken for granted, for example, this may also affect her desire.

 

Anyway, I think she wants to work on this issue, so my advice for now is to be supportive of that and encouraging of the steps she is taking. Let her try what she is trying, and don't go telling her right now maybe it's "mental". One step at a time!

 

Now, since she also has trouble orgasming, she MAY have some mental blocks, but see how the ending birth control does first, it may bring her libido back, where she is also more willing to try more things.

 

And, look at your own side in it. Is there anything that on your side of the relationship that may also be having an effect? Such as more conflict, pressure, recent change in your dynamic? Were the issues that broke you up resolved?

 

Of course, don't wait forever either. If after a while there is still no change, and no more communication on this issue, you need to determine whether you can truly be happy in this relationship as it is.

[hardcharger]

>Advice??

 

move on...

[friscodj]

Let me add $0.02 here and say that maybe if you worked on and focused on having a great relationship outside of the sexual part of it, the sex part might improve as a result.

[phantomwolff85]

I was in this situation a while ago except the roles were reversed. I would say work on things and see where things go. Just remember it's not about you.

[drake]

Thanks for your comments. I try to be a "better" boyfriend and do the "little" things.......but for some reason my mind always comes back to this. If I do something, then she fails to come through on her end......I feel like it went unnoticed.

 

Another thing I keep thinking about.......I would love nothing more then to give her oral everyday til she screams. But she does not want that and can't get off from that. Frustrates me to hear how many women complain that their man does not do this, and here I am with a woman that could care less if she got it. Obviously there is nothing I can do to change this. So I either deal with it or leave. Hard to leave someone that is trying to change.