Very tough day - though I was doing ok

[permasmile]

Today I am really struggling with the fact that our relationship is over. I was with my ex for 4 years, and although at many points I was not entirely happy, I am struggling with the rejection. When we broke up, I really thought that I would be able to "win her back".

 

I have hung out with her about 5 times since we broke up. I have not been contacting her often, and we have both initiated get-togethers. We talked about us once (she brought it up). I am trying not to show interest in her romantically and simply hang out and have a good time. There have been moments where I sense something from her....we kissed once and I have sensed attraction from her at times. However, yesterday that wasn't the case.

 

She had a house party which was a good time. I was upbeat, funny....some could say the life of the party lol. I went to sleep around 2 (was drinking and didn't want to drive home). She woke me up around 6.....said she was just gonna watch a movie downstairs and pass out. I went downstairs to join her, but there was definitely no sign of romantic interest. In fact she seemed to make a point of lying down on the other couch. I think I was giving off signs of interest....something I have been trying to avoid like the plague. I understand that doing so will only make her uncomfortable. I am probably overanalyzing.....I had a good night but feel that the 10 minutes in the morning put me back a step. I do not want to appear clingy or as though I am struggling...or that I want her back. I quickly said I was fine to drive and was going home.

 

So many emotions. I want her to want me. I also want to move on. And I also want her in my life even just as a friend as she is a great girl. I just wish I could stop the overthinking and the thoughts of getting her to feel for me again.

 

At this point, I am not ready to go full NC. I am sincere when I say I want her in my life in some form even if not as a partner. However, I am planning on not making any contact with her in the next week. She may contact me, however I may simply be polite and friendly but say I have plans and can't hang out. Gives myself some space while also conveying that I am not needy or clingy. I want to not only move on for myself, but convey that I am doing so as well. That will be necessary for our friendship.

 

Anyways, it helps to write out my thoughts. This is very tough for me. It is always on my mind. I don't feel pain, but rather feel rejected. I have those thoughts about never finding anyone else and feel lonely. I realize time will heal, and hopefully in the long run I will grow from this.

[thegoodgirl04]

Hey perma sorry to hear you are having a bad time!

No one is ready for NC, it's just something you have to do, like going to the dentist.

I thought I couldn't do it but here it is 1 month later and I am still doing it, that doesn't mean that I don't have bad days or miss my ex, but it's just something you have to do to get a piece of mind. I know it's hard to not talk to someone you care about and once shared everything with, but from the sounds of it she is a bit wishy washy and you don't deserve that!! Keep your chin up!

[nicorette]

i think NC is best. think about it. this is going no where right? as hard as it is to hear, it is something you must do. you cant be friends wtih her right now, itll only prolong this and hurt you more. and thats great you want her in your life, even if it is just as a friend, but i think you should wait til you are healed, til you can do just that, think of her as a friend and hang out with her as a friend and dont want aynthing more than that. i know it hurts, the pain is unbelievable, but its better to do thsi now, then keep staying "friends" with her for another few months and be in torture the whole time. i know it hurts but time will make it better. please do NC, at least for now.

[Psylocke960]

I agree with nicorette. Continuing contact with her will just hurt you more since she seems to have no inclination, at least right now, of wanting to get back together.

 

You even mentioned, "although at many points I was not entirely happy." So use this time to see what will make YOU happy. And maybe she will do the same. I think doing NC is best for now as well.

[hpsowce]

I'll admit I was cynical about NC at first, I thought the better option would be to wean myself off her gradually but I now realise this wouldn't have worked for me. As the one who was dumped I was filled with only love for her whilst she seemed to have come to terms with the end of the relationship and showed no real emotion - apart from feeling sorry for me (bless her...). Well she made no secret of the fact she still cared about me and wanted to stay friends so after a week of NC I was feeling quite positive so I let myself speak to her. It was great, we laughed and talked like old times, then she left... and it was like she had dumped me all over again. I didn't have any dellusion that we were more than friends, it's just the emotion of love is a pretty strong one and it's not easy to change love-love to friend-love.

 

I'm not trying to tell you what's best for your situation, I just wanted to share with you my experiences and why I think NC is worth the pain. If after a prolonged period of NC, when I've moved on with my life and those strong feelings have gone, I want to be friends with her then I can be.

[permasmile]

Thanks for the replies. There is certainly a part of me that thinks NC would be best. Another part of me wants to hold on to the hope. And another big part of me realizes the bu was for the best and that we will both be better off because of it. Since a rational part of me knows the breakup was a good idea and that the relationship was not going well, I tend to think that being friends might not be that hard. I do truly believe I am struggling with the thought of rejection as opposed to loss of her.....if that makes sense.

 

Appreciate all the support. Funny how the mind can play tricks on you.

[Orlander]

I am truly sorry to hear of your troubles permasmile. I went through something very similiar and ultimately, after many months of pain, it finally ended in NC. When it finally ended it was the best thing for me.

 

Good luck and keep posting. We are here for you.

 

 

Orlander

[hpsowce]

It's difficult to come to terms with the fact that someone who you thought loved you actually doesn't, to me it's one of the hardest parts of this, you question how someone can do that, how can they pretend to love you? It would be nice to find some anger from this because in anger there is usually strength but that's a lot easier said than done. The sad fact is that people change, their desires for the future change and unfortunately those new desires don't always include the person they are with at the time.

 

I still can't get angry at my ex, though I tried, maybe that will be possible in the future because all I can see at the moment is the good times and each one that pops into my head feels like a knife through the heart. But what's happened has happened, you can't change it and so you have to move on. One of the things I read on here shortly after my break up made me smile because in a way it's so true: whilst you feel down now and it seems like the world is against you, in the greater scheme of things a jigsaw piece just fell into place, because now your free to move on and meet the one you were truly destined to be with.

 

Now I know that's probably not very comforting now but it's important to remember that in time once the pain has dulled you'll be in a much stronger position to make that future relationship last, stronger than before your last relationship. That's enough postivity I'm feeling like dirt today anyway so I'm trying to soak up these words of wisdom myself as well as share them with you! I'll promise to keep it all together if you do