Am I in denial thinking he may come back?

[hmmansfield]

Hello everyone,

 

If you are on this board, you are probably hurting like I am.

 

I met a man a little less than a year ago and our lives fit together very well. I am not usually one to believe in destiny or soul mates... really... but with him it all just fit and we went for it. We fell in love.

 

Our lives were both stable and the timing seemed right. I told him very early on that I was looking for marriage and to start a family. I am 34, dated quite a bit and ready. He's 31, said he was ready, that he had sowed his oats, and had enough time on his own and wanted to build a life with someone. He was married once before to a woman for 6 months that he dated for 7 years. She left him for another man.

 

I met him one and half years after they separated and 6 months after the divorce. He's single father of a 13 year old (from an accidental high school pregnancy) and I built a strong relationship with his daughter. Really grew to care about her. I became a part of the family. We talked about getting married sooner than later and having a baby. He was into it... so happy and couldn't believe his luck to have met me. I felt the same. It was really very special and we're unique individuals that agree on the big issues, or so I thought.

 

THEN everything changed. He quit his job in January and started a new business booking bands at clubs. He was in this business in his early 20's... but when he met the girlfiend that later became his 6-month wife, she made him quit and get a day job. I encouraged him to get back in it... it was his passion and he hated his high-paying day job. I did all the marketing and a website for for the new company - supported him completely:

 

 

and tho I was a little nervous about the dramatic change of careers that would put him in the bars at night... opposite my schedule and his 13 year-old daughters, I loved him and decided to trust him... and figured we find a way to work it out.

 

Some background... his marriage failed because when he got that high-paying day job, he just threw himself into it and neglected his marriage. Seriously. Its a character trait he has... he admited it. He's all or nothing and has workaholic tendancies... can only focus on one or two things at at time successfully. Everything else falls to the wayside. He knows he pushed his wife into the arms of another man because he neglected her, resented her needs and thought mostly of himself. His words.

 

WELL, he did the same thing again with this new business and me. Started bartending every Friday and Saturday night... and I never saw him. He's absolutely broke and now working for tips to keep food on his table and his daugther clothed, but he leaves her home alone a lot now. My mother was a bartender when I was growing up and I was left alone a lot. Not good. Bartending is a lifestyle. He could have gotten a day job. I don't respect this choice he made.

 

We were suddenly on opposite schedules and he started getting distant... making all these new friends and he started to just blow me off and treat me wrong (not calling, not making time for me, etc.)... which triggered me so I start asking if we were still getting married and he always said yes, but he was still distant and it was getting worse.

 

Then two weeks ago he tells me he's not sure if ever wants to gets married again or have anymore kids... a complete 180. All this divorce baggage surfaced... fears and anxiety. He said maybe in two years... but with us being opposite schedules and him making minimal to no effort to see me... I said I wasn't willing to wait and I left. I am 34, almost 35, and I want to be a mother. Period. That's the most important thing in my life and I make decisions accordingly. I spent plenty of time in my life putting my all into relationships and they didn't work out. In another year my fetility will start to deteriorate... waiting and unconditional support at this point in my life is not an option.

 

The circumstances changed dramatically... this new business. But I know he's responsbile and a good man and father, but I don't really respect his choices right now. Leaving his daughter home alone, sabatoging a relationship with me because he's being lazy and selfish (his words), and drinking more... the bartending lifestyle.

 

Its been two weeks... NC. I know I need to move on, but a part of me hopes he have some kind of ephipany about what hell is he doing? Losing me, going into debt for this business that just isn't stable and probably won't be for years, if ever, leaving his daughter home alone (she's very sexually curious right now... and going get in trouble)... buying a convertible that doesn't run, growing his long and getting a tattoo... jeezus... is he having some kind of early mid-life crisis?

 

I am still doing his website because I don't want to be vengeful and hurt his business... but a part of me knows I can be too nice and perhaps I should just stop the site.

 

I told him we couldn't be friends and I didn't want to talk... because that is the best way to move on.

 

Is my response the right one? Does it sound like he needs a long time, lots of space? Is just completely stressed? Whoa... to been have been on the verge of all I have ever wanted... then he just does 180? was it the bartending lifestyle or is this man seriously not sure sure of who he is or what he wants anymore?

 

He's not a ladies man... this isn't about other women. He's the most monogamous creature I have ever met.

[ShaKe__]

My mother always tells me not to mess around with divorced men.She thinks that if a woman divorced her husband,he's no good.In your situation,the man is very confusing.You didn't do anything wrong.it's his fault.If he doesn't care about his daughter now,how can you expect him to care about you? Do me a favor-stop working on this site.Keep the NC and move on.He doesn't deserve anything of this.

[rnorth]

This is a tough one because a child is involved. Give it another two weeks and see how you feel. Try and strengthen yourself and not focus on the hurt. Take care of yourself in the same manner you would if you were focused on meeting the man of your dreams; exercise, being happy, enjoying life....

 

If you are still curious about him in two weeks and wish to set up a 'date' for a cup of coffee, etc.... that would probably be fine. But please be strong enough to walk away from it and move on if he hasn't had a clear change of heart.

 

You have a lot of issues to work with here; your desire for your own child, your relationship with your daughter, not to mention the bond you created with this man during the past year. Take it easy on yourself. And especially, take care of yourself.

[nicorette]

yes, i definetly think its the rigth one. youre doing great. stay strong wtih NC. he isnt ready for a marriage, as hard as it is to hear. from your post he sounds very immature and if you stayed youd only get your heart even more broken down the road. i think you made a good choice and got out while you could. things will only get better wtih time, i promise. go find a real man who will treat you the way you want to be treated

[friscodj]

This guy sounds like he has a lot of issues and won't be capable of having a healthy relationship until he figures himself out.

 

I'd save yourself the task of trying to fix him or hold onto to some baseless notion that "things will change" and just let this one go...