Having Second Thoughts...

[navigator2001]

It's been around 7 weeks since my girlfriend asked for a break and now I'm starting to think about what I would do if she wanted to get back together.

 

We had been together for 3 years, and she sprung up this "break" idea on me all of a sudden, without any sort of warning. I wish that we could have had a rational conversation about all the issues that were bothering us first, and tried to work them out. But it seemed that she was set in her intentions. In addition, she brought this up when I was alone in a new city for work. I had no friends or anything, and she came to visit, brought this up on the last night she was there, and left. I couldn't believe that she would put me through that when she knew I had no support structure available. I was miserable.

 

And this break has been very difficult as well. From what I gather from others, breaks are supposed to be an opportunity for both parties to gain some perspective on the relationship, talk to each other about what issues they are thinking about, work on themselves, and try to work things out. It's been 2 months since the break now, and we haven't had a serious conversation about anything, mainly because she keeps asking for time and space and seems to get upset if I even bring up the topic.

 

And the last thing comes from the NC method. I know it's a way to move on, and not to win someone else back. But it seems that if I do apply this method, and she does come back, it has me wondering. Do I really want to be with someone who only realizes they want me when I stop talking to them? Do I really want to be with someone who after 3 years, asks for a break all of a sudden, without putting much effort into working things out? Don't get me wrong, I love this girl to death, but I'm having 2nd thoughts about whether this would work out if we were to get back together.

[bebecole]

im in the same exact situation.. i was with my boyfriend for over 2 years. hes in the military though so its a little different..

he approached me about a break b/c his life was too stressful.

weve been on a break for over 5months now, and things are not seeming to look like were getting back together..

the best thing you can do is use the NC method, take time to reavuate your situation and weither your willing to wait for her to decide, b/c who knows how long she will "need her space"

i never understood why people need breaks. and it seems to be whenever someone ask for one they dont have a resonable explaination

[rimshot22]

I went through something similar with my girlfriend. I met her one night at the local YMCA to workout, she got in my car and said she couldn't do it anymore. Completely blindsided me.

 

I'm guessing that you've been thinking about what you would do on an hourly basis. I just broke up with my girlfriend yesterday so my advice may be a bit clouded at this point. However, I can tell you some things that have helped me in the past.

 

It kind of sounds like she's using the "break" as an easy way out. She doesn't want to confront you and break up because she cares about you and hopes that the two of you will find some common ground. Unfortunately, she's probably causing you more hurt as you wait around for something to happen and are unable to focus on yourself and the things that make you happy. Believe me, I know how difficult it is.

 

If you want her to gain perspective, stop calling and answering your phone when she calls. Take care of YOURSELF! No, you do NOT want to be with someone who only wants you when you're not available. However, the only way she will realize her true feelings is if you aren't always there for her. Is there something that you enjoy doing? Hobbies? Where do your friends live? Take a road trip next weekend to see them. Being around other people makes things much easier.

 

In my relationship, we were able to talk about our issues, however, we weren't able to address them. It sounds like the two of you had underlying issues that may not have been a big deal, but over time built up into something that caused the break. People analyze and interpret what may be little, insignificant things until, in their mind's eye, they are HUGE issues that cannot be overcome. Not talking about frustrations when they happen only leads to a more difficult conversation sometime in the future.

 

In the end, your heart and mind will tell you what to do if she comes back to you. If you continue to brood over it and not move on with your life, when she comes back, all the feelings that you had for her will be muddied by all the heartache and stress you're going through now. If you would like to chat over email, I'm available at email removed

 

Best of luck

[jennifer1234]

I'm going thru a very similar situation. My boyfriend also just sprung a "break" on me without much warning. We were in the middle of trying to work thru some issues we have in our relationship, and I even began to seek counseling for some of the problems we were having. We spent a wonderful weekend together, he went away on a training exercise (he's in the military) and when he came back he sprung a break on me. It was completely unexpected. Although we haven't been together as long as you and you're girlfriend, I always wonder why people want a break. It sounds to me, if she doesn’t want any contact with you, she’s either sorting some things out or it’s her way of breaking up. Personally I’ve always believed a “break” is just an easy way of “breaking up” with the person with out feeling guilty. You would think if you were together for 3 years you’d have a solid foundation with her and she wouldn’t throw it away so quickly? One great piece of advice I received in counseling was that you don’t “need” the person, you “want” them… and even though the break up really hurts, you will survive. That’s a very tough situation. I’ve also learned you cannot win someone back with that soul intention. You must do everything for yourself, to make yourself happy, and if they come back then that’s an added bonus. Life tends to work in mysterious ways. I think the model works to an extent, because sadly enough people react more positively when you shun away from them or express/show your independence. Why, I don’t know because I’m not that way. But I do know it works for a lot of people. That’s a tough situation, and it probably wasn’t the best timing on her part. I suggest that you try and take care of yourself, and if you two should cross paths again, then that should be the time to re-evaluate the relationship.

 

Best of luck to you!!!!!

[mccarleighp]

this happened to me my boyfriend sed that he wanted a break so we went on a break and that was that we never got back together and 2 years on i am left thinking what would have been i was happy in the relationship and didnt no why he wanted a break i never got to find out why he was not happy if i had my time again i think that i would have tryed to talk to him alot more. if she dont want to talk to you just yet why dont you try to write down everything that you are thinking and send it to her because if she dont want to talk at les you can still let her no how u feel hope this helped