When do you call it quits....stuck in a bad relationship

[LovinIt]

I have posted before....so I will summarize. I have been with my man for 5 months, I'm 22, he is 25. We met when he had a girlfriend, and started dating before they broke up. Their relationship was not a good one, which ultimately would have ended in the near future even if he had not met me. Him and I became serious very fast, I love you, was uttered in the first month of our relationship. From the beginning he stressed that he was not ready for a serious relationship considering he just got out of one, or to have the boyfriend girlfriend title for awhile. I understood that, and did my best to not pressure him into it. After two months of dating...it started to bother me, that we had not reached any desicions on where things were going. He assured me that it was only me he wanted to be with, but he was yet not ready to be boyfriend girlfriend.

 

Things kept going along...yet, I found myself unhappy with the situation. It seemed like things were secretive, especially at work....since we both work together. I became suspicious that he did not want his ex girlfriend to know that he was in fact dating someone else, although he did "love" me very much, and enjoyed being with me. He denied this for a long time, saying she was not the reason for secrecy. As the months have gone by, we still have not become boyfriend girlfriend. He has gotten comfotable with me, because I do not give him these ultimatums, or take action when he does not decide. He is very generous to me, and at times extremely loving, but the last month it seems that he ignores the issues that bother me, especially having to do with what is going on in the relationship. I know that it is uncomfortable for him, and he knows that the issues I am having are valid, and I'm guessing he doesn't have the right responses to solve the problems. He also feels like I am constantly putting a black cloud over the times we do spend together. It is hard for an outsider to know everything that happens in the relationship, but understand that, in all honesty, I don't want the time we spend together to be unhappy.

 

Our issues are always there, since he pushes them away. They keep coming up, and will continue to be present when they are not acknowledged. He also sayes things when we are together, such as, "God, you ask so much from me" in a joking way, and even though he sayes he is kidding, he gives me that sick feeling inside. The feeling that tells me that my relationship is failing. We are stuck in a pattern that is hard to get out of. Not only does that sadden me, but it is exactly what happened in my parents marriage. I am willing to accept that the problem is not just his, I may also cause them as well, but all i want is a loving respectful relationship. So, he is out of town for the next nine days, many states away. I have in a way let him know that I need to do some soul searching while he is away. I think he is very nervous about it. I came up with this. I have decided to calmy let him know when he comes back, that I will give him some time to decide what he wants...with no pressure, but that I will leave him in two months if he has not made up his mind. I should not have to deal with a wishy washy relationship, correct?? I also will leave the situation if I feel like he has been disrespectful to me. I do not want to fight with him anymore.

 

So, my question is this....do you have any other ideas, or suggestions on how to effectively deal with this in a calm manner. It is hard to admit that my relationship is failing, and I would like some advice on how to save it, or even if you think it might not be worth saving. Thanks for taking the time to read this...I am feeling a little better

[Beyondthesea]

You shouldn't have to deal with this wishy washy behavior, no. You have already given him 5 months, I don't know if I would wait another two.

 

When he returns, if he still can't commit to you, I would break up with him. You deserve someone who is proud to have you.

[friscodj]

We met when he had a girlfriend, and started dating before they broke up. Their relationship was not a good one, which ultimately would have ended in the near future even if he had not met me. Him and I became serious very fast, I love you, was uttered in the first month of our relationship. From the beginning he stressed that he was not ready for a serious relationship considering he just got out of one, or to have the boyfriend girlfriend title for awhile. I understood that, and did my best to not pressure him into it. After two months of dating...it started to bother me, that we had not reached any desicions on where things were going. He assured me that it was only me he wanted to be with, but he was yet not ready to be boyfriend girlfriend.

 

Well, I have some thoughts.

 

First, you are essentially the rebound from his last relationship. It's pretty clear to me that this guy does not want neither the responsibility nor the formality of being in a relationship. You definitely seem to be more into this than he is. Sorry to say, but ultimately I think you are the only person really into this relationship. Time to abandon ship I think...

 

Secondly, and I feel really strongly about this one, if someone is taken, no matter how bad things are going or seem to be going in their current situation, they are taken. I don't condone interfering in someone else's relationship no matter how much I like them or how bad it seems to be going for them. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

[LovinIt]

But, you know, life is life.....sometimes you can't help the way you feel. I understand that dating him while with someone else might not have been right, but, she was in fact cheating as well. I can't say I feel THAT bad for her. And I also do not in any way consider myself a rebound. His feelings are genuine, however, there are some loose ends with the past relationship that have not been tied.

[RayKay]

When a guy says "I am not ready for the responsibility of a relationship" it really is saying "I just don't want to have to be responsible to YOU".

 

Seriously, even if someone has some bad past experiences, baggage, whatever....when they want you, and don't want to risk losing you, they will make darn sure you are "committed" to one another. He does not seem too worried about losing you because you continue to "settle" for him not being "ready". What reason is there for him to be "exclusive" when he has all the benefits anyway without having to "commit" himself?

 

What does that say when he says he is not ready for a serious relationship, yet continues to date you? To me it is saying he does not consider what you have a serious relationship! That, quite frankly, sucks.

 

No, you should not have to deal with him being wishy washy, and I do think you should stick to your deadline. Only I think you should push it up. He has had five months. By then he should know whether he wants to be "serious" or not.

[teacup]

if he is not caring about ur feelings especially when u express them. that is the time to dump.

 

healthy ppl care about other ppl's feelings especially when it is being directly expressed. took me awhile to learn this.

[NiceGuysFinishLast]

I have to agree with friscodj on this one, no matter what the state of his last relationship, you are the rebound girlfriend. I know it sucks, and you dont like to think of yourself as the "rebound", but to me it looks that way. When a relationship ends, people usually need time to recover before they can love again, thats why rebound relationships dont usually last long. I believe the reason why you have been together for 5 months is because you let him treat you this way. I also agree with RayKays comments, if he says he is not ready to go steady, but still continues to date you, and you seem okay with this, what has he got to lose? If something better comes along he will feel less guilt dumping you because he will have the excuse: "well, it wasnt serious". My advice would be to give him an ultimatum, dont bother waiting two months, ask him for commitment or jump ship. Dont be afraid of doing this, if you end things with him, then he comes back to you, you know you mean something to him, if not, well at least your not his doormat anymore. Whatever you choose, follow your heart. Best of luck and keep us posted.

[NiceGuysFinishLast]

I would just like to add: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

 

Someone on this site gave me that advice, and it helped in my situation alot. Is he telling you what you want to hear? Is he telling you he loves you but not showing it? When I love someone, commitment is no problem whatsoever, as i'm sure is the case for you.

[LovinIt]

He has been out of town....so I have not been given the chance to talk to him. There are times when I read these posts and realize that I am a doormat...and while he does show me he loves me, and is there for me....there are times when I do feel very alone. Yesterday I was watching various couples at the pool, and started feeling nostalgic about my relationship with him. I dont want it to end!! But, you all are right...something has to be done. I am just feeling pretty upset about it...I love so many things about him...and no one laughs like we do....how will I ever find that again, much less anyone who loves me. Im afraid of starting over...and whats worse is that we work together, side by side a lot of the time on weekends....I can't get space, nor do I want to quit my job. I want him to grow some balls. The only reason we have not made it official is because of his ex girlfriend...he doesnt want to hurt her....but what about me??? I want to be understanding, but she can't keep coming in between my relationship with him. For the record the guy is completely committed to me, and most everyone knows that him and I are basically boyfriend girlfriend...he needs to stand up to her...does that change anything??? He's a great guy, really....just confused and needs some time to be ready for another relationship. Right????

[Daveystu]

After two years of agony, this is what enlightned me personally, and, since you are in the infancy of your relationship, there is no doubt, that you both could live a fulfilling and magical life together if you only knew how. Here is how.

 

Jungs Enneagram Theory.

 

If you havent heard of it, Google Enneagram. There is 9 basic personality types. With sub types, and a boat load of wings, nuances, etc of each. It was fascinating to me, when I read about me the 3 and my ex the 5 and how we could co exist in a 20 year relatoinship, and she could, in my 3s mind, abruptly end it. I realized and truly 100 percent believe, that if I would have known about this even 5 years earlier or 2 years earlier, possibly, and it absolutely wont work unless you both want it, but, I am totally convinced that my marriage would have not only survived, but it would have been everything, that we both could imagine, living happily ever after and having true love for each other. I have read a lot of responses to peoples dillemmas and i have not seen anyone post a thought about Enneagram. My email is email removed if you care to IM or if I can be of any more help too you ( thats my 3 coming out lol) Good luck and oh, to be your age and have this type of knowledge. You will be a dynamic, invincible, true loving, story book type couple. I know it.

 

Dav