joyce1412 Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 tonight i went on a date with someone i'd had coffee with previously this week. the coffee date went pretty well, and it seemed like "casual dating" would be a good way to get over the post-breakup hump. the date was terrible! not the worst one i've ever been on, but it was very hard to go through. and, naturally, i just kept thinking about every rude or annoying thing this guy did, "my ex would never do that!" i miss my ex SO MUCH, and not even just because of the date. the date just brought those feelings to the surface a little more...the last two days have been really tough. i went out of town for the weekend and had been feeling optimistic, but the optimism has subsided, obviously. it's not that i think i'm not going to make it through all of this. it's just so hard, and i never thought a breakup could rock me like this. how many more of these bad dates can i take? especially when i know that there's a person out there (my ex) who i never had a bad date with, and am still so in love with. and he knows he had this special thing with me, but he doesn't want it. how!? how could he not want it? when is this going to end? when is life going to turn around? since the breakup i've been doing everything in my power to make life better for myself and it's just not enough to make me happy. Link to comment
friscodj Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 Hi joyce- It is obvious from your post that you aren't over your ex. I have been exactly where you are, going on dates, thinking of the ex, etc. I strongly suggest you forget about dating for a while and focus on yourself and facing the break-up head-on. There is no concrete answer as to how long it will take but the answer I will give you is more time than you've given it to this point. Link to comment
vesper Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 Hi joyce- It is obvious from your post that you aren't over your ex. I have been exactly where you are, going on dates, thinking of the ex, etc. I strongly suggest you forget about dating for a while and focus on yourself and facing the break-up head-on. There is no concrete answer as to how long it will take but the answer I will give you is more time than you've given it to this point. Agree with Friscodj here. You really need some time to heal. In my experience that is at least six months from the time of the break-up. Good luck!! Link to comment
joyce1412 Posted June 3, 2006 Author Share Posted June 3, 2006 you're probably right that i need some time out. i just hate that one has to be "sentenced" to a certain period of time alone/facing the breakup, whatever you want to call it. i've already been chided by certain people in my life for not being able to let go and move on, so that's what i was trying to do. i want life to be able to progress as normal, and that includes meeting guys. on an unrelated note, i was just talking to a friend about why he thinks my ex decided to leave. my ex is in his early twenties and a musician. my friend's response: "it seems like he just wants to go out and * * * * around." ...ouch. this wasn't a reason my ex cited when he was breaking up with me, but that is probably an accurate assessment. but to think--my baby, leaving me to go hook up with some random chicks. ugh! (maybe now you can understand my desire to date? *eye roll*) Link to comment
friscodj Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 I like to think of this time, the "sentence" as you put it, as a time to do the things I had been neglecting in the relationship, other friendships, activities, etc. Also think of this time and the freedoms you have of being single! You can do what you want, when you want, how you want. It's pretty cool...and this is the road to your "pardon" from your prison... Link to comment
DN Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 You may well need to take some time but it is not surprising you compared this date to your ex. But the next time you date you can compare that date to the last one rather than your ex. You have a new 'bench-mark' to go by. Link to comment
joyce1412 Posted June 4, 2006 Author Share Posted June 4, 2006 very true, DN! i hadn't thought about it that way...i like it. Link to comment
mikeca Posted June 4, 2006 Share Posted June 4, 2006 I know how you feel, im finally getting my stuff together so I can apply to be a officer, and every time I take a new step I just wanna call her and tell her all about it, but then i realize its over so...nope. Link to comment
Juha Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 Am in the same situation...Gave myself time to take care of me and then started going out and meeting women and dating... Know what? have been with around 15 women otr so since November and have no interest in any of them...I am not comparing them to my ex... Just none of them interest me much... I heard it from my friends and family that I need to go out and start dating again...So I did...I have no desire to anymore, all nice people just nothing there...I have pulled myself out of the dating scene again, my heart is not in it... I still love my ex and am moving forward still.. I have looked at myself and changed some of the things I did not like... I have thrown myself into working 60-80 hours a week, going to the gym and exercising alot, and learning some new things... My friends want to know what's wrong with me...They want to set me up with some more dates but I jsut turn them down and tell them no thanks... I have been on a handful and am all set with those for now... Joyce take care of you and don't worry about what your friends and family say...Do what you feel is right for you and everything else will fall into place... I hope this helps you.... Link to comment
Pikey1972 Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 I agree with the posters above - I too have been out on a couple of dates, and like Juha didn't have any interest in any of them (they were all nice people, but we just didn't "click" - I managed not to compare them to my ex). I've now decided to spend some time away from the dating scene and carry on doing new activities and improve my self esteem. Like friscodj says, see the "sentence" as a time to do things for yourself and rediscover yourself. Over time, you'll be able to date with confidence and meet that special someone! Take care, Pikey Link to comment
rnorth Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 Its not that your ex is completely unique in that he is the only person with whom you can have a special connection, its just that the connection is rare in itself. But it can occur with someone else.... believe me. Date when you feel like it, and then have a night alone with a quart of Hagen Daz, popcorn and a movie on other nights. But I disagree that you "need time to heal" before you start dating again. That can be a good part of the healing process. Just don't set up dates and have expectations beyond having a nice time. And especially don't try and think of them in terms of your last bf! No one is obligated to go through a period of misery. We shouldn't be dependant on anyone to "make" us happy...... Link to comment
joyce1412 Posted June 5, 2006 Author Share Posted June 5, 2006 thanks for all your responses. i know how you feel, Juha! i definitely understand that my ex is not the only person with whom i can have a special connection. i have had a special connection with other people in the past. but the dating can be a bitter experience because it makes me realize just how rare and lucky it was to stumble upon my ex a year and a half ago and have that special, extremely strong connection with him. it was honestly the "luckiest" experience of my life. i don't think the dating is something i'm going to stop myself from doing. it DID make me feel good getting asked out, and having that nice first date (before things got kind of ugly and depressing). whatever gets me out of the habit of only being attracted to my ex and thinking he's the only guy for me, i'm all for. even though i realize the time alone is for "healing," i can't help but feel like it gives my ex too much credit. why should i spend six months alone recuperating from the guy who dumped me flat on my * * *, in a breakup so devoid of feeling on his part? i think i'm going to keep dating--well, as much as i can, it helps to actually have people to date, haha--because i don't deserve to be put in time out. Link to comment
vesper Posted June 6, 2006 Share Posted June 6, 2006 Joyce, you need to take that time and heal for you. Rebounds are the worst possible scenario for helping you to heal from a break-up as you have learned here. You will always compare them to your ex and you will feel not get any further in healing from your break-up. Take this time to improve you. Link to comment
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