Affair dragging on, no sexual contact- he's still married- H

[smickey]

Hi,

 

This is the first time I have read your story and I have to say that I understand all of what you are going through as I am going through it myself.

 

I agree with everyone who says you have to walk away and cut ties - I still have some ties with my man - he now lives on the other side of the world with his wife, unfortunately in a city that I am moving to in just two weeks time.

 

He too tells me how much he loves and misses me and says that he wants time to see if his marriage will work and if not then he will be with me. As much as I want to be with him I dont believe I will and I can't ever see him leaving her for me even if he does tell me he loves me. If he hasn't done it by now when will he? When is the right time?

 

Like in your situation, it is hard for me to cut ties because he is very persistent and adamant that we should be friends. He moved away 2 1/2 weeks ago and he has emailed me twice, rung me once and contacted me via messenger with video link up once. I emailed him on the day he left and a one line 'Merry Christmas' email but have not had any other contact. He still tells me how much he loves me and misses me, but I've been strong and not said it back no matter how much I want to.

 

As hard as it is, you need to be strong and put yourself first. I am on anti-depressants and will soon be in couselling because of this - he isn't here to help me pick up the pieces. I've realised pretty quickly that if I am going to be happy I need to put myself first and cut all ties - no email, phone calls or visits - I just haven't worked up the courage to tell him yet even though in practice that is what I am doing.

 

You need to realise how damaging this is to you - are you upset all the time? Do you ever have a day where you don't think about your situation? Is being happy something that you used to be? Do you make decisions with him in mind?

 

I would give anything to be with my man and love him more than anything but it is just too painful and self destructive to be in his life while he is married to anyone else. If we are meant to be then he will leave her and come and find me. If not then I will be healed enough to find happiness with someone else. You really need to believe the same and be strong with yourself - tell yourself off when you feel your mind slipping back towards him - it is so much harder to do it this way but it really is the only way.

 

Why is it that you must work together? I think you need to find another job so you are not near him all the time.

 

I recognise a lot of what you are writing - you are looking at your life with him as your reference point. You are your own reference point and your own anchor - everything about you stems from you. Like you I am a sociable person who is fit and attractive and has lots of friends. Don't waste another day of your life.

 

Taking the first step is unbelievably difficult, and each step after that is hard also but things do get better, even if really slowly - not long ago I could never have gone a day without contact with him - now I find that the days I do have contact are the most upsetting. It's such a difficult thing to understand when you love someone so much.

 

Now that I have discovered your story I will follow it with interest.

[Heatrae]

I spent three days last week balling my eyes out. Crying alone on my couch xmass eve and xmas night. He called me on Friday finally- golfing with his brothers. I told him how terrible my xmass had been after he asked. He told me how much he had missed me over the last days. He called me a second time that Friday night feeling very bad at how I had spent my xmass. On Saturday I decided I could no longer go on with him. This past xmas was my breaking point- my ROCK BOTTOM if you will. The pain was excruiating and I realized if I stay with him as long as he remains married, that is all I have to look forward to. Ic an't do that to myself. I won't.

 

When he called Saturday night I began the dialogue. I told him how unbearable the holiday was. Here is how the conversation went: "B, this holiday was so bad, I can't go thru it again. I realize that if I stay with you under these conditions, that is all I have to look forward to." He said, "I know, I don't want that. I was miserable too."

 

I said, "I love you and I want to be with you, but not under these conditions. I can't have anything to do with you until you have taken steps to get out on your own." He said, "I am. I just need more time. I can't do it as quickly as you have. I am doing something, believe me." " I will keep you advised."

 

"I don't think you are. I can't put my happiness in your wife's hands hopin gone day she will come home and tell you she doesn't want to be with you anymore. I just can't do that."

 

"That's not what i'm doing at all."

"I think you ARE waiting for that perfect moment over breakfast where the two of you decide you no longer wwanna be married. That just isn't gonna happen."

 

" I am not waiting for that. I want the same thing you want, I do. I just need more time to get it done so we can have what we want together."

 

"You simply don't want to be the bad guy. It's not about hte bad guy, B, it's about living honestly. You have been the love of my lifetime, but I can't sit like this. Another week like I just had will break me."

 

"You too are the love of my lifetime Heather. You are what keeps me sane. You are what keeps me going. I just need more time to get this done right. I want nothing more than to be with you. I just have a lot invested here and yes, part of it is pride, but I am doing something. I know you need to do what you need to do, I don't want you feeling like this. I totally understand, but you have to know that I want a life with you."

 

He didn't go into anything about his kids and he didn't say a word about "I'm staying here, I'm sorry."

 

He kept talking about hhe knows what he wants to do, but needs more time to do it. (That is confusing for me because I asked him a couple weeks ago when he says, "I'm not sure" what he means. Do you mean more time to see if you fall back in love with the wife, or more time to see if I become someone you don't love. He explained saying he knows he'll never fall back in love with his wife and he knows I'm everything he needs.)

 

So, Saturday when he talks about needing time I don't understand about time for WHAT? Is he waiting for that special moment when Mars trines with Jupiter or something like that.

 

He siad he is doing something and he will keep me advised and tell me when it is happening. I told him I can't be around him. I can't be friendly with him when I see him at work. I said, "I have to completely break ties with you. That's how I work. You have no idea how hard it is. I have tried dating other men it's impossible. I can't open up. You have no idea what it's like to be in love with one person, while trying to spend time with soemone else. Christ, tha't swhy I'm no longer married."

 

"ARe you kidding me. How can you say that. Look what I'm going thru right now. I am miserable. I want to be with you. I just need time to do it. I know exactly what that's like!!!"

 

"No, I think you have it made: you have the wife and kids over there and a beautiful woman over here who loves you. You have it all!"

 

"You think I like this..." he says, "...this sucks. This is terrible. I FEEL trapped, I know I have to do something. I'm miserable and I'm scared to death. I don't have what I want. IT would be different if I was a different kind of man and you called and said, 'i want to stop seeing you. I want you to stop slinging it to me' I would just be like OK, whatever. But that is not our situation. We have real issues here and I need time, Heather."

 

I said, "well, I will not be able to be friendly with you. Please understand. It's how I heal, I have no choice. "

 

He said, "Ok. I just need time and i will tell you Heather, I promise."

 

I said, "I want to be the third person to know (crying.)" He agreed.

 

"I'm gonna go nmow. I love you, Heather."

"I love you too, goodnight."

 

That was it. I am fre now and I can't look back. I said everything I wanted to say right. Can ANYONE tell me what he needs time for? I'm not being facisious here. I am concerned. What does he mean by that. Time, time, please tell me. I will understand if someone can just tell me time to do what? He does have 17 years with her, 13 years married. 2 young daughters, a house, two car payments, etc.

Please tell me how you think I did..

[avman]

I think you did what you had to do. And I think you did a VERY good job. I know this will be very hard on you, but you deserve SO much better than he will be able to give you.

 

His issues are his issues. They are not your problems to solve. If he can't get up the backbone to do right by his wife and do right by you then you need to be out of that situation. The reason he says he needs time is that he wants the best of both worlds. Well too bad for him. Thats not how things work.

 

Heather you did the right thing! We are here to support you as you heal from this.

 

avman

[smickey]

Good work Heather!

 

You have done the right thing. Time will help you both I'm sure. Make sure you stay strong and do this for yourself - each day with get that tiny fraction easier I promise until one day you find that you will go a whole day not thinking about it (I haven't had one of those yet but I know I will one day).

 

As for needing time - sounds very familiar - almost word for word the words I was told but it doesn't matter now why he needs the time because you are now directing all your energies towards yourself - you have enough to worry about without trying to work out his problems too.

 

Take baby steps, take one step at a time and you will get there.

 

Good luck! Keep us posted and remember you are not alone - you have even found friends here amongst strangers.

[Heatrae]

Thank you so much for that. Today, I dont' feel so alone. I can't believe the bottom I hit over the holiday and that has really inspired me to DO IT this time.

 

Over the past year as I forced myself away from him, I was doing it to affect him. I was doing it to make him feel life without me- it wasn't about me and my well being.

 

It definitely is NOW. I was a complete basketcase last week/weekend and I have to take care of myself. I so appreciate you all listening and yelling at me over this past year. It was not FOR NOT! IT took me getting back with him this fall, even if for only a month, fo this xmas thing to occur and push me into having the coversation with him. It wasn't HARD, and he was actually somber and receptive, insightful even.

 

In the past, when I have had the "i can't be your friend" conversation, i.e., February, March, April, he was obnoxious, short and overly dramatic with me.

 

This time he wasn't. He was thoughtful and listened to what I had to say. He didn't lash out at me. He onl pleaded with me to not ignore him at work, reminding me he is there for me, wnats to talk to me. I still had to state that I have to do it my way, not in the way that works for him. naturally he wants me to stay talking to him , friendly "I miss you smile" to help him deal with his miserable life. But no more!!!!!

 

I promise to you all, I will not. I am feeling stronger than ever! At this very moment I am typing very fast and feel stronger than I have ever! He will not even recognize me. I will have to look at him tho he is pathetic and didn't care about my happiness until I BROKE!!!!!!!

 

Today he has passed by my open door twice, I could feel him looking in, but I didn't look his way. He was onl able to look at the side of my head. He seems quiet today. Too bad for him.

[avman]

*Applauds*

 

I am very proud of you!

[smickey]

That's great!

 

Just a tip - be prepared for little setbacks - they will happen but knowing they will come means you are prepared. Whenever a little doubt creeps in your head stamp it out straight away before it upsets you. Just remember you have done the right thing for you and that is the most important thing.

 

By the way, you have no idea how much hearing your story has helped me also - it's given me a bit more motivation to be strong in my situation as well. I only read your story yesterday and already you have moved forward so much in 24 hours! It has inspired me to keep going and reclaim myself as well. So thank you for that.

 

I'm glad to hear you are having such a good day.

[Heatrae]

You are very welcome! I am glad that this saga coiuld help another soul in pain. Seriously, I feel so pathetic most of the time. Glad you can get some strength from it.

 

Did you read the thread from the beginning? It is quite a long drawn out thing, but I really think this is the end for me HOPING for anything to happen over on his end. I've had a year of little set backs as you will see from reading the entire thread. I'm done with them and I will do whatever it takes to stamp out those moments where I think I might give him the look he wants or the ear or time of day.

 

I don't wanna be mean to him. Mean = not talking to him. Mean = not letting him think I will be an ear to listen to all his work-realted drama. Mean = a simple hi in the hallway if I see him there and happen to pass by. But I know myself. When I have allowed anything more than that, we have slipped into our 'natural' pattern of helping, loving, mushy, etc.

 

I WILL NOT give him any indication that I am open to that until I get the call telling me he is doing something about his situation. Even then, I will be guarded. It will not be a quick thing and there could be going bakc and forth bull- s h i t between the two of them.

 

If he were to catch me when I wasn't looking and try to engage me in convo about I'm doing, my answer will be, which it never has been in the past, "Great! things are good- moving right along, busy busy."

 

I've always given him the, "as good as can be" crap. The mystical look in my eye trying to elicit the same response.

 

Now I will not do that. It simply won't matter. He didn't have to look into my balling face in the mirrow with eyes swollen, trying to catch my breath, talking to myself out loud like a crazy woman. He never had to see that. I saw it. My f-in dogs saw it and it wasn't f-in pretty. NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!!

 

Anything having to do with him in my life will be HAPPY and POSITIVE and that won't occur until he's free to be with me. I am finally ANGRY and that's what needed to happen. So...

 

I hope you will continue to read and follow my lead. I have been down the crappiest of roads with the highest highs and this past being the lowest low.

 

You simply have to hit your ROCK BOTTOM as I did. No one can tell you WHEN it's going to happen, but one day you will hit it and we will be here for you too!

 

[smickey]

Thanks!

 

Yes I did read the thread from the beginning - well most of it anyway, and I can see that you have already been through so much. It is hard and you aren't being mean - you are just doing what you have to do.

 

I think my rock bottom was about 4 weeks ago when I was diagnosed with depression. The first thing I did was ring him and I told him what had happened and he said he couldn't talk because his wife was buzzing around and that he would ring me back. Well he didn't ring back for three days and that was only after I threatened to tell people what was going on because I needed some support and obviously wasn't getting it from him. That was when I realised that I was in this for the long haul - and I was in it alone.

 

But things have slowly improved - we parted on good terms when he left telling each other how much we loved one another and the forced separation has made things a bit easier. I've discovered that no contact is the only way - I don't need the constant reminder that he is living his life with someone else and I don't need him giving me false hope by saying that he just wants time to sort himself out. I know that he doesn't want to lose me either but I guess it works both ways - same with you - he has lost something as well and is hurting too but you need all your strength to help yourself and not think about that.

 

I don't know what will happen when I move over there in two weeks time but it is a new start for me as well and I am determined not to fall back into the same old routine even if he seems to think that we will be.

 

I do a lot of 'self-therapy' - telling myself what I need to hear even if I sometimes find it hard to listen. The hardest thing is convincing myself that I can find happiness without him - when you think about it have you ever cried about anything else as you have about him? I just have to remind myself that he has caused me more pain than anything else - just taking the anti-depressants every day is a reminder of that!

[Mar]

VERY well done, Heatrae....I'm so happy to hear you finally got up the courage to tell him this wasn't acceptable, it was long overdue! Keep up the good work, don't weaken your resolve for some lamebrained "I'm doing "something" about it." NOT acceptable. You know what's acceptable? Seeing his divorce decree and nothing else. Until he can produce that piece of paper, stick to your guns.....if your resolve weakens, we're always more than happy to yell at you and steer you back in the right direction......lol

 

 

Mar

[Heatrae]

Good Day. Trying to stay positive today. Came in to find an email left by B. He sent me pictures of him with his brothers, sister and mother from Christmas. For the longest time I had been interested in seeing what they all look like.

 

He sent them last night to me on my work email with a little note saying, "thought you might like to see a few photos of me and my family." IT was really very simple. I was very surprised to say the least.

 

I'm not going to read into it. Doesn't mean he wants to leave his miserable marriage.

[avman]

Doesn't mean he wants to leave his miserable marriage

 

Thats right - it doesn't. You are doing well my friend. Be strong!

[Heatrae]

It's the last day of the year and I am optimistic about my future and healing, however, I am going out with a hole in my heart.

 

As predicted, B came INTO my office yesterday to "ask" if I had received the pix he sent me. I ha already responded to the email and I knew he had read it (thru Outlook) so it was an excuse for him to come in here and talk with me. He already knew I saw them- he read my response.

 

Anyway, we talked briefly yesterday and he was quiet and coy- seemed to be on eggshells (I have seem him like this before when he's unsure of how to behave with me.)

 

I think becasue he came in here I felt safe enough to send a quick 'new year' email. Here is what I wrote: "New Year ahead, won't go ignored...

 

Best of luck to you with everything in 2004: work here at the PD; filling in the 'holes'; and your new business venture, which I'm sure you'll excel in. You don't need me around as much as you think you do- you already have it inside you to be a success! Have a good year, B."

 

He did NOT reply to my email. I came in here today and found NOTHING. I was shocked. I can't understand why he didn't reply. He's knows better than to think I was being nasty- that is not my style. I used verbiage that he generally uses with 'the holes' and tried to build him up ONE LAST TIME telling him he is a success on his own. For these past two years he has attributed his happiness and succeses to me. That is why I put that in there. I said nothing about LOVE, nor anything mushy about us being together in the future. Can you shed any light onto why he didn't respond? Please...I am really perplexed.

 

I am allowing myself to ask this today and that's it. Tomorrow starts my year of healing, so pelase humor me. Thanks so much!

[avman]

Ok, as long as you are only allowing yourself one more day to wallow

 

Perhaps he is trying to move on himself. No contact might be better for him, as well as you. He really may have no idea how to respond to you right now as he is still sorting out his feelings. I could see him sitting at the computer, reading your email, and going "Why did she send that to me? Did she change her mind? What do I say in return?".

 

Does this make sense?

[Heatrae]

Well, I hear what you're saying hwoever, I was sitting in the same position yesterday morning when I opend his email with the pictures of him and his brothers. I managed to find something to say. I dont' hate the man, I responded acknowledging the photos, even paying him a compliment (he was wearing red.)

 

Anyway, if he's as bad as you say, then why would he be trying to move on. I mean, I had the thought he sent me the pix yesterday as an attempt to test the water, keep me close in SOME way in case he's not lying when he says, "I am doing something." I mean, I spent the better part of yesterday trying to figure out HIS intentions of sending me photos after our important discussion Saturday.

 

So....is it a guy thing? Why wouldn't he have SOMETHING to say back to me- to wish me a good year. We are in love, that's obvious, this is very painful for us both. He didn't like what I had to say Saturday, and I believe the things he told me on the phone. Give me a little more than that Avman, I would think he WOULDN'T really wanna move that far on (away from me) if he's really doing something to change his situation. OR...is that EXACTLY what an honoroable man SHOULD do if he's going to make that kind of a change? Help a sister out here? (it's my last day, indeed)

[Heatrae]

"He really may have no idea how to respond to you right now as he is still sorting out his feelings." Now that I think about it- what do you mean here???? I thought he wa very clear on his feelings for me- always has been. IT hasn't been an issue of what he feels for me vs. what he feels for his wife. What do you mean??????? UGH!

[avman]

Anyway, if he's as bad as you say, then why would he be trying to move on

Well just because he's been doing a bad thing, does not mean that he is without his good points. It also does not mean he would never come to his senses and start realizing things. Perhaps he has been doing some reflecting on the situation over the past few days.

 

And, as you probably know, men are worse when it comes to detailing our feelings. Not that all men are bad, I'm just saying most women are better at it. I realize you came up with something to say in spite of the situation. But I believe that is much harder for men. If he is confused about the state of things (which I believe that he is), then he might not know what is "safe" to say back to you. I hope that helped - if I made it even more unclear please tell me and I will try again

 

Its really hard for me to guess at his intentions. Especially since we are guessing why he DIDN"T do something instead of why he DID do something. But if I rule out the simple explanations (he didn't have time to respond, he was too busy, his computer messed up, its stuck in the email system, etc) then that leaves me with the fact that he just might not know what to say.

 

Remember, lots of the posters mentioned that this will be a very difficult period for you and there may be some setbacks. It looks like you are entering one of those periods where both of you are kind of in limbo with regards to how you interact with each other.

 

I wish I had a definate answer for you but these are my best guesses at the situation?

 

Does this help at all? I rambled quite a bit here.

[Heatrae]

THanks....so what I"m hearing you say is: he read it and knew he couldn't say what he WANTED to sya because I have drawn the line. So instead he said nothing at all?

 

I can understand that. I was also curious if as a man, you thought the email I sent him might have been misconstrued? Honestly???

 

YOu wrote tht he may be confused about the STATE of THINGS. I guess I don't see what he would have to be confused about. COnfused about what to do NOW that I've formally said, leave her I can't be with you until you do??

 

He has never been confused about his feelings for me, nor lack of feelings for the wife. I wonder whatconfusion YOU are referring to in that sense. I know I am only confused about why ANYONE would stay in such a situation over there, when I am over here and ready. There is no confusion there.

[avman]

THanks....so what I"m hearing you say is: he read it and knew he couldn't say what he WANTED to sya because I have drawn the line. So instead he said nothing at all?

Well, no actually I think he wasn't sure what to say at all because he is confused. But you could be right and he didn't say what he WANTED to say.

 

I can understand that. I was also curious if as a man, you thought the email I sent him might have been misconstrued? Honestly???

Well if I was already confused about the situation and you had given an ultimatum - then yeah I guess I might be confused about the email you sent. After all, you are here analyzing the fact that he didn't respond. He could be analyzing your email and wondering IF and HOW to respond. Make sense?

 

COnfused about what to do NOW that I've formally said, leave her I can't be with you until you do??

Yes, I definitely believe he is confused about that.

 

He has never been confused about his feelings for me, nor lack of feelings for the wife.

This one I would be careful about. As far as you KNOW - he's never been confused about his feelings for you vs his wife. Whats ACTUALLY going on in his head is far different I suspect. After all, if there was no confusion he would have just left her. Right?

 

Making more sense? I know this is a very confusing time. But I'm trying

[Heatrae]

I understand you. I do.

 

Thing with B is: he's exactly LIKE me. We are the same person in different bodies. There are things that are different- enough to keep us challenged in good ways, but as far as our emotions, desires, sensitvity, expression, we are one person. It's quite erie!

 

That's why it's hard for me to think of WHY he didn'dt respond, but took the time to send me photos two days after I broke it off with him. Then come in here and engage me in convo about the photos, pretending he never read my email (not knowing I got a receipt that he read it.)

 

I am not a man and I am not a woman with kids. I do spend so much of my time thinking, "he's so miserable. He's in constant turmoil. whay doesn't he put himself out of his misery." I mean, the two separated several years ago, long before I ever came into the pix. Now with me here, I just dont' understand why he wouldn't give himself the chance to be by himself (separate) to clearly feel and experience life without her, or start to experience life with me. he's not giving himself that chance. I don't understand that.

 

(thanks for obliging me today on this last day of worry)

 

He is so able to articulate his turmoil, he doesn't whine or anything like that. he is very matter of fact- he's a cop for heaven's sake. ANyway, do you think, based on what you have read here throughout, that he BELIEVES he is doing something. Do you think he REALLY has a plan for himself and this situation. He could very easily have said, "I'm so sorry heather, but I can't ever leave my girls. I am staying here." he didn't have to tell me he was doing something and needed time, right?

[avman]

You have very good points. I wish I had a logical and reasonable answer for you, but I don't. I will tell you that even if he did leave, the chances of you two making it are very, very slim. I know I've mentioned that before but I just wanted to remind you

 

You mention he is able to articulate his turmoil - well thats regarding his wife (right?). However he is unlikely to articulate his turmoil with making a decision. In fact, he has put you off several times with "give me time, give me time". So that shows me it is not at all clear in his mind. It may be clear in YOUR mind, but it definitely is not clear in HIS mind.

 

You see, I do not doubt that he loves you. But I do doubt that he is good for you. No, I do not believe he has a plan. I think he is floundering without a plan and thats why he has not responded to you. I do believe that he WILL respond eventually - although I'm not sure what he will say. The reason he didn't say "he can't leave" is that he truly cannot make up his mind. And that (along with a WHOLE bunch of other stuff) should be enough to make you doubt his whole sincerety about your relationship with him.

 

I've tried to avoid being harsh (after all - I'm indulging you). But come tomorrow - I'm going to be pushing the No contact, get away from him routine The guy is bad news.

 

Ok?

[Heatrae]

OK. Yes I know...NO CONTACT RULE! Just remember, he and I work together. I MUST hear him, sometimes pass him in the hallway here at the PD at least twice per week (mondays and tuesdays). Other than that, once every couple months when we do a recruitment of new officers, he has to be there all day with us. Next one being Jan. 17.

 

Actually, he has articulated turmoil about not only his marriage, but trying to make this decision. Saying how it would affect his daughters, he's petrified of the instability that would come with getting out on his own. What he has never had difficulty in expressing is his feelings for me. The fact that he has everything he needs in me, he is whole and happy when we're together. He knows I can give him everything his wife does, however she can never bring to his life what I do. He's very articulate about a lot of things.

 

By response, you're speaking about responding to my new year email? The email had nothing to do with our Saturday conversation, so I'm not expecting to write back anything like: I have made up my mind. I am goin gto move out in February. Or anything like that.

 

When he gets here to work on Saturday and has all this alone time, he sits and listens to OUR SONGS. He does thal all the time (hence the sending me of the songs and videos.)

 

Problem is: In order for me to heal I mustn't even TALK TO HIM. To stop and say hello and catch up in the hall or for him to stop in my office here doesn't work. I have tried to keep that from happening over the past year. When he does pop in, I am short and not talkative. I don't mean to be mean, but that's how I work. I dont' like being rude to soemone I care so much for, but I know that's the only thaing that works for me since I can't cahnge jobs.

[avman]

I understand. Its not going to be easy. I'm just trying to help you with guessing whats going on in his head. And realize its just a guess. I could be way off base. I don't mean to confuse you even more.

 

Regarding your healing, if cutting off all contact is what you need - then thats what you need to do. Yes it will be very hard. And I do understand the complications of him still being a coworker. But do what you must.

 

I'm still proud of you!

[juno]

Keep strong, dont become Heather "the weak" again.

 

Im sorprised how your low self-steem pops up once and again. You are NOT being mean for God's sake!!. You are just being fair to you. I dont understand why u want to keep in touch with a man who has used you for sex and emotions.

You are thinking way too much about the tiny details. Why did you send him the mesage anyway?. He is not even you friend Heather!.

I know you want to keep the link in "case he divorces" of course you get scared if he seems to move on, but this is another trick of the brain to get its fix again.

 

Remember u still have those weird brain connections that were created in the nice moments and removing them is going to be painful. Use that pain to move on. Please do not disappoint the women who believe in you. Have you noticed how many people have written to you and stopped doing it?

 

We want you in a story of success not in a soap opera.

[Mar]

Heatrae, why are you still concentrating so much effort in trying to figure him out if you're truly going to break it off with him? I'm not sure I understand this. Yes, you'll see him at work, and have to speak to him there, but that can be about business matters only.

 

It sounds to me like you're not very positive about truly wanting the break from this man who's so weak he keeps stringing you along with vague comments about "doing something about it." As far as your email goes, no, it can't be misconstrued as anything but a generalized note wishing him a good new year and success. Let him GO already. He hasn't done anything about his marriage, and I don't care what the reason, he could have LONG ago, if he was as adamant about wanting to be with you as he claims. Yes, the children will be upset-they're flexible, they'll heal. I think he just doesn't want to lose the cushy situation that he has now, so he's reaching for straws. Don't fall for it until you see that divorce decree or at the very LEAST, separation papers in his hand, signed by a judge. Anything less than that and he's still pushing the buttons he knows you want pushed to convince you he's actually a good guy. No offense, but he's not. No self-respecting man would treat a woman with such duplicity.....and especially not TWO women!!

 

So if you want a liar and a cheater, go right ahead and keep on stressing over him and wondering about him and wanting to believe what he says. But you're only going to hurt more in the end, because this man has made NO commitment to you whatsoever, and won't for as long as you let him. Telling you he loves you and PROVING it are two completely different things. A song on a CD isn't love, repeated promises of "I'm doing "something" about it" with evidence to the contrary isn't love, telling you he loves you, yet going home every night to the woman he's sworn fidelity to isn't love.

 

You work in a PD.....follow the "chain of evidence" here. Isn't that what the police do? Well, you're familiar with the procedure. Why not think like a policeman(woman) and follow this "relationship" from the onset? His unhappiness in his marriage didn't instantly crop up overnight when he met you; presumably it'd been going on for some time before he'd met you. So why has it now been, what, 8, 9, 10 MONTHS of him still crying about how he's unhappy and wants to leave, but "doesn't know how to do it", and he's not any closer to leaving his wife now than he was then? What steps has he taken? Absolutely none. What do you have by way of evidence that he doesn't love his wife? None. He still goes home to her every single night. He went on vacation with her. He's remodeling his kitchen. All these things point to a man who's certainly content enough to pour time, effort and money into something he's telling you means nothing. And you're enabling him by letting him do so, every day that you don't tell him the truth about himself. That he's a liar and a cheater and has no backbone and apparently no self-respect, if the situation was as bad as he claims, yet does nothing about.

 

You're a diversion to him only, at this point. Is that a role you're happy in? I think not, or we wouldn't still be discussing this months after the fact. I understand how hard it is to break it off with someone who claims they love you, but you've BEEN on dates, presumably with single, unattached men with no baggage. Why are you stressing so hard over this one man who can't even behave like an adult and stick to something for once? Because he says he loves you? Think again. There are SO many wonderful guys out there who can give you all he gives you and more, and you won't let this one married guy go to give them a chance. Sad thing for you.

 

I can't give any more advice than I have. I think this guy's a loser, quite honestly, and a liar and obviously a cheat. The only thing you can do for yourself is to let him go completely, if you truly want a break from this anguish you keep going through, and have been going through. Think about it.....how long have you been this upset? Months and months and months. And no improvement in sight. Good luck to you, I sincerely hope you can get over this guy and see him as the rest of us do, and move on to someone who's worthy of all this attention you're giving him.

 

Mar

 

 

Mar