So confused...

[dolphin_girl]

Hello everyone,

 

This is my first post here. I'm a 19 year old college student in a very confusing and hurtful situation.

 

It began last year, first semester of my freshmen year in college. I met a guy and we became extremely close friends. I was closer to him than any of my girlfriends. We helped each other adjust to the newness of living away from home and the stresses of college life. Our friendship began to grow into something more. I began staying over in his dorm on a regular basis and eventually it became "official." We did everything together. It was the happiest time of my life. We were inseparable. Anytime we were together we were happy. It was a very intense relationship; mentally, emotionally and physically.

 

In the spring, as the school year began to come to a close, things began to change. He became unhappy with our relationship. One night, he told me he would rather just be friends. I was completely crushed to say the least. However, it turns out, when he said he still wanted to be friends, he meant it in every sense of the word. He said he didn't think he could handle it if we weren't still friends. So, we continued to hang out all of the time, like we used to. It hurt me, to be around him so much and still love him, but it made him happy, and, even though it hurt, I still enjoyed his company and couldn't imagine a life without him in it. I stayed confused, because when we were together, he would do little things, like rest his hand on my leg, even though he probably didn't realize it.

 

The end of the school year came and now he has left for another state to work for the summer. I thought that this may give me the chance that I need to heal so that I can start fresh in the fall semester. I was wrong. We talk almost everyday, and when we don't, I find myself missing his calls.

 

So, here I am. I don't know if he still cares for me as a girlfriend and he doesn't know how to tell me, or if he just really cares for me a a close friend. I wish desperately that we could get back together. I am afraid to speak with him about it, because I fear losing him completely. However, he does know that I still care for him. More than anything, I can't imagine a life without him in it.

 

I don't know what to do anymore... Any advice would be welcome.

 

Thank you.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA dolphin_girl!

 

You definitely need to speak with him about this. The current situation is obviously tearing you apart. You need to be honest and complete with him about your feelings. You might lose the closeness for a while until the feelings equalize or you might end up marrying this guy someday...life is too short and weird...you've got to roll the dice...

[serenity25]

Hi dolphin girl, I'm so sorry that you are in such a hurtful situation. You really need to decide what is healthiest for you. I know at this point in time you feel that this guy is your world and that you can't imagine feeling this way about anyone else. I'm sure you won't even believe me, but I've been there, several times, and can honestly say that even if this guy was out of your life tomorrow, you would be just fine. Your heart would ache for awhile and you may actually be miserable for days or weeks, but you'd get over it, become stronger and eventually find someone you would have much deeper feelings for and love beyond your wildest dreams.

 

If on the other hand, this guy is "the one," then you should try not to worry about being together in a romantic relationship at this time because perhaps you just both have some personal growth to do before you are together forever. You are so young and regardless of who he is or how he treats you, it isn't necessarily healthy to be soo wrapped up in one person to a point where you think you couldn't live without them.

 

If he is wanting you to talk to all the time, yet doesn't want you to be his girlfriend, it really seems like he is having his cake and eating it too. He has your emotional support, your humor, your loyalty, your love (and he knows it) yet he is free to date other girls and do as he wishes with no strings attached.... but there is a major string still attached and that string is your vulnerable heart. You need to start looking out for you and realize that he can still be in your life, but maybe a little more distance would be the best thing for both of you.

 

He needs to see what life would be like without you at his beck and call...if he doesn't there will be no motivation for him to be a boyfriend to you. He can have all the advantages of a wonderful female friend who loves him, yet he isn't responsible for you at all. So my advice would be to still be his friend and communicate for now, but NOT every day or as often. Let him notice that you aren't always available for him and trust me, he will begin evaluating his feelings and wondering what you are up to.

 

Most importantly, that time will give you a chance to realize that you may not need him as much as you think and to meet new people. He is out there doing it so why shouldn't you?

 

Your heart is a precious gift. It should be earned and cared for, not taken for granted or given so easily to someone who doesn't want the complete package.

[dolphin_girl]

Thank you both for your support.

 

I know I should talk to him about it... but, I talked to him today... it turns out, he's seriously considering staying in the state that he is currently working in (fifteen hours away)... as in, not coming back to college after the summer. Atleast, not for a little while...Obviously, it was just wishful thinking on my part that he would still care for me in that way. I know I need to get over it and move on, but I don't know how. And I don't want to just totally stop talking to him, considering we're friends... I don't know what to do... I just found this out, about half an hour ago... How do I learn to be his friend instead of his girlfriend? This hurts so bad...

[serenity25]

If you really want to stay friends with him, I would advise setting some boundaries...you will be his friend but don't want to hear about the other girls in his life or dates. Also, be a friend but give yourself space and make sure you are not always available to him. Make him see that you have your own life too and aren't always going to be available at his every whim, especially when you are NOT a girlfriend. Don't give him the advantages of an amazing girlfriend like you without the responsibility or loyalty you deserve. So be a friend, but that means stepping back and only being to him what you would be any other platonic friend minus listening to them talk about their love interests. Spend more time going out with other people, meet new people and don't wait around for him. Take care of you, love yourself and have fun...enjoy being single and independent now and know that everything beautiful that comes with a long-term commitment will come to you in the future when the time is right.

[dolphin_girl]

Ok... so I'm going to try pull away a bit... I'm not going to be there everytime he calls... I'm going to be supportive but try not to put myself out there like I have been. I'm going to try to take care of myself... please keep me in your thoughts... this is going to be a very hard transformation to make...

[serenity25]

I'm here for you, anytime. Keep us updated and remember that taking care of yourself is the most important thing! It's difficult but so worth it in the long run and a crucial life lesson- truly loving yourself.