Is this normal?

[Gracelove]

I feel so nauseated.

 

I've thought about the rape so much now I feel like I'm going to throw up.

 

I don't even think about details, just that it happened.

 

I think about him.

And I think about the fact that my friend may choose to believe him over me.

 

Has anybody experienced this before?

Is this a common experience among rape victims?

Is it something that is experienced often?

 

I'm having a really hard time dealing with this and if feeling nauseous is some sort of common symptom I don't know how I'll make it through this.

 

*Addtional thoughts and feelings:

 

I feel so nauseous.

 

Just sick.

And I might be able to cry this time.

 

I feel sick.

 

and sad.

 

Why did this have to happen to me?

Why?

I feel like I deserve it.

 

For not being smart enough.

 

For being foolish. For not realizing how many evil people there are in this world.

For not fighting to protect every essense of my being from anyone who ever walked this earth.

 

I was so stupid.

 

I don't think I ever thought or believed I'd encounter a rapist in my lifetime.

 

I certainly didn't think that I'd be raped.

 

such a horrible, heartless thing.

 

I want to forget.

I want to forget so badly.......

 

but that's impossible, because forgetting won't make the feelings go away.

 

I almost lost my life to this person's horrible actions.

 

And I want to call him a bad person!

 

What other type of person would do something so henious!!!

 

He's evil, soooo evil!

 

Does he know? Does he realize what he's done?!

 

He destroyed me! Ya know.

 

I had just overcome an abusive stalker.

I had just resolved that.

 

Then this person wants to hit me, hit me hard.

 

And I'm spinning.

 

I'm on anti-desspressants for goodness sakes! where's my future now.

 

It's not fair. It's not right.

 

If I could have pleaded with him.

 

Before it ever happened, if I could have only known his intentions.

I would have pleaded with him to not feel that way. Not to hurt me that way, not to hurt anyone that way.

 

Why does he hate women so much.

 

Only hate could motivate someone to do something so heartless.

 

I bet he has graduated.

 

I bet he's having a beautiful life, going on dates, going to clubs, drugging and raping other women....I bet he's laughing about it. So happy. So happy to be untouchable.

So happy to feel smart.

He's a criminal no one can catch.

No one.

 

God can catch him.

 

I know he'll pay, I don't know how, but right now I don't care.

 

Why!? Why!? I want to know why?!!!!!

 

How , I don't understand it! How can someone be so cruel.

 

I had overcome so much, and yet I still hadn't really recovered, ya know.

 

And then this.

 

The biggest blow.

 

Who would have thought?

 

Who would have known that while I was excited and happy about going on a blind date, that this would have happened?!

 

If I only knew! If I only knew.

 

How does a person move on. How do you move on from being so violated.

 

treated like absolute garbage.

 

No one is suppose to do that to you.

 

The only people who are suppose to be there, are people you allow, people you love, people who care.

 

Not a stranger, not an evil stranger.

 

just because they can!!!! Just because they can.

 

I'm tired and scared.

 

 

Always wondering who will believe me? Who will care? Why should they?

 

I'm just me.

 

am I equiped to fight?

 

How do I fight? When there are so many rules.

 

He can be so calm and collected. He's planned out everything, his emotions are in place, he has an answer for everything.

 

what about me? I have no game plan. My emotions are still spiraling out of control.

 

How am I suppose to be cool and collected. How am I supposed protect myself?

 

How can I protect myself from someone so manipulative?

 

He's still out there, and he's having a perfect life, stealing joy and happiness from poor unsuspecting women.

 

Forget the sex part, what about everything else.

 

What about everything else I lost?

 

He stole so much.

 

How can I blame him? I mean I do blame him, because he raped me.

 

But why wasn't I smarter than him?

 

Why did I trust him enough to buy my drink? How could he play me like that?!

I want a rematch, I want a do-over. I want things to rewind.

 

I want to tell him that I know his intentions. I want to tell him the I know he's a rapist, before he even tries to buy my drink.

 

I want to look him in the eye and tell him that I know the type of person he is.

 

But what if he doesn't care?

 

Then what?

 

I don't know.

 

But do I even want to understand evil? Maybe I shouldn't.

 

I can't be such a wreck anymore.

 

Something has to happen.

 

He almost won. If I would have killed myself, he would have won.

But he didn't win.

He didn't win.

 

He's not worth my life.

 

He's not worth anyone's life.

 

He should be put in prison where he belongs.

 

and maybe someone will make him understand the gravity of his actions.

 

Someone will make him understand how it feels to be violated.

 

And what do I do now?

 

I don't even have a picture that I can throw darts at, LOL.

 

i can't even call him and yell at him.

 

Maybe I could, but I don't want to.

 

He shouldn't know that I'm angry or that I'm going to come after him by filing a police report.

 

I want him surprised, I want him caught off guard, just like I was.

 

I certainly didn't know I would be raped.

 

And the As***** sat accross from me at dinner....with that arrogant look on his face, and that phony smile.

 

Why can't I get angry?! I'm not nearly as angry as I should be.

 

I'm just here.

Just here.

I'm doing my best to float through life.

Like I'm being carried on a cloud.

 

Trying to float along on any positive energy I can muster.

 

I don't want to be sentenced to a life of misery.

 

I want to be happy too. I want to be carefree too.

 

I wish I could get him.

Slap him!

Tell him is act won't work on me.

He's not stronger than me.

 

I would tell him that he's the weak one, and he should be ashamed that he has to drug women and rape them to get an sense of self-worth.

 

I'd tell him he's pathetic!

 

I'm going to try to get myself back, that's the best revenge.

 

If he ever sees me again, he better not approach me.

 

He better not.

 

I won't tolerate it.

 

He deserves something I can't give him.

 

He deserves to feel the pain I feel, no actually he deserves to feel worse.

 

And if he felt that kind of pain, I don't think he'd survive it........I almost didn't.

 

He deserves to be cursed.

 

He deserves to wake up every morning, look in the mirror, and see himself for the monster that he really is.

 

I'm tired of trying to be understanding or fairly calm.

I'm angry.

 

I want him to pay.............

but more than that I want my sense of self back.

 

If I could just think of a way.

 

you know, I really need myself these days.

 

I'm at a huge transition period in my life.

He didn't need to f*** that up for me, as*****.

 

And who can I yell at? No one. Because the person who deserves to be yelled at is probably out somewhere scouting his next victim, no doubt something he enjoys.

 

My strength is building, my memory is returning. By the time I regain my strength he's going to wish he never met me!

 

 

I just, I can't even cry.

 

My therapist asked me how I could smile at her while telling her I was raped.

 

Sad huh?

 

The same smile that's always on my face, refuses to go away even when I'm speaking about something as horrible as rape.

 

A smile is all that holds my world together now.

That smile that is always there.

Dependable.

My smile is dependable.

 

And i need that more than anybody else these days.

 

Why didn't my friend help me?

Something I'll always wonder.

 

I don't blame her, I just want to know why.

 

Why.

 

It's not right.

[Beyondthesea]

You are just overwhelmed with everything right now hon, it won't last forever. It's just that you have been through so much, but it will pass.

 

Have you sought some counseling? That is a definite must.

[Hope75]

Awww honey,

 

((BIG HUG))

 

Sometimes when we go through something so stressful like this our bodies and minds kind of shut it out as a defense mechanism, and then later, when we feel a little more stable and able to handle the stress of dealing with what happened, it sort of comes out all at once.

 

It sounds like this might be what you are going through right now.

 

I know you have called the Rape Crisis Hotline, and are speaking to a counselor, have you thought about joining a support group for victims of sexual assault? Sometimes it helps to talk to other people who have been through what you have and can relate and share ways to cope that worked for them and what didn't work for them. You could ask your counselor if they know of such a group locally, or call the Rape Crisis Hotline and give them your general area and see what they can do to help.

 

We are here for you, Girl!

[AwdreeHpburn]

I'm sure whatever you experience is "normal." You're definetly not alone in that response. I do think finding a professional to talk to is a really good idea. You may develop anxiety, if you already haven't, or some form of post traumatic stress.

 

I'm very sorry for your situation but you can learn to get a better handle on it and even go on from it. I really hope you get the proper help.

 

Best,

-T

[teacup]

Hey Grace,

Hang in there. You're going to get through this and feel much much better. It makes me sick that a guy could be that violent and disgusting. But you know what? I talked to a rape counselor after this guy used me. and you know what she said? She said that, it's not you that made the sex dirty, cheap, disgusting and violating. For you, sex is still something that is valuable and HE is the one that broke that code, so HE is the one to blame. (It made me feel a lot better when she said this, so I hope that it makes you feel better too.) You did not deserve this.....and I hope all the bad karma he has created comes back and kicks him in the * * *.

 

God bless, I hope you feel better. *hugs* We are here for you.

[Gracelove]

Hey Guys!

 

I'm sorry i know there is only so much people can do. I'm just desperate, so desperate.

 

i feel that if I let it all out then it will keep me from exploding, or just giving in.

 

I appreciate your support!

 

Just letting me know that there are people who care means the world to me!

 

Thanks for your patience.

 

I know that sometimes it probably seems like I'm complaining about the same stuff over and over again.

 

I just need an outlet.

[teacup]

=( it's okay to complain about the same stuff over and over again. you're in shock and trauma. i've done that before. repeat myself hundreds of times. it helps to get it out. just focus on making urself feel better.

 

i hope he gets run over by a car!!