Have I become "That Girl" or is there a real chance?

[CheerfulSprocket]

Hi,

 

Am desperate for some help - my story's a little convoluted but I'll try to be brief.

 

I met my man, Luther, last year through a random connection - neither of us knows our mutual connection all that well. We're all like acquaintances more than anything. In any event, he's from LA and was here (I'm in NY) for business but we met and ended up having a great time. We have such an amazing connection - really the first time in my life that I've ever felt this way - and I'm 38!!!! So we've been talking long distance for months and then recently met and had a fantastic weekend (no sex even though that was brought up by him - but not in a weird pressured way). I don't really believe in a "only one soulmate for a person" - but gosh, if I had to, he would be it. We're freakishly compatible.

 

Anyway, so I recently asked our status and he replied that he couldn't be in a LDR because he'd done that before and it didn't work. Also he was just coming off a long-term serious (living together) relationship when we met and I think might have been recovering from that. Because I was getting so invested, I had to cut things off and institute NC.

 

I did NC successfully for a month, but couldn't take it anymore and called to see if we could be friends. He immediately called back and said that's what he wants too. The thing is, our relationship wasn't "just friends" and he acted just like a boyfriend (jealous of my being set up on dates by well-meaning friends, making time out of his busy schedule to call and talk, telling me really personal information about him and his goals and thoughts, introducing me to his family, etc.). So I'm now confused as to what's going on.

 

Do you think there is any chance for a relationship? I guess the practical me says there's no hope because when someone says they don't want a relationship with you (LDR or not), then what else is there to say. On the other hand, I know I didn't imagine or overemphasize our emotional attachment to eachother. I'm not sure what to do. What do you think?

 

Used to be a CheerfulSprocket.

[dopexile]

Uhh last time I checked new york was a good 3000 miles from california and add in the fact that he said he just wants to be friends I'm going to have to call this one a no go.

 

But you are in luck in the sense that there's probably a good 25 million men that live closer than him and probably that would enjoy your companionship.

[CheerfulSprocket]

But what if his actions are clearly consistent with being more than just friends?

[dopexile]

How can you be more than friends with someone who is 3000 miles away... it's a pipe dream.

[CheerfulSprocket]

Thanks for your response - it pretty much confirms my suspicions. But oh man, that's so depressing. I guess you don't think it could be a possible LDR? Geez, I'm so pathetic.

[Belle]

sprocket,

 

I'm going to go out on a limb and say something wildly unpopular. I've been in one LDR that lasted 2 years LD after the initial year together. In my opinion, LDR's are a negotiation with reality. It's not a true relationship but makes you feel connected to someone. You avoid the unpleasantness of too much contact or people's bad habits and bad hair days.

 

The only sustenable LDR is when people have a time limit on the future and are planning to be together. Anything else is like having a cyber boyfriend. Just my opinion.

[joyce1412]

it's too bad you guys dated for so short a time and then went straight into the friendzone. i think many would agree that since you're already there, it is going to be VERY hard to get out.

 

are either of you willing to move to where the other is living? this is a leap because you two aren't actually together, but if you established that you WOULD be willing to move to NY to try things with him (really risky however), i SUPPOSE you could ask if he would be willing to give the two of you a try in that case. then at least you would know, and you could feel like you did everything you could to make the two of you happen (if that's important to you).

 

however, i think a lot of people would disagree with me about going even that far. it is definitely a risky proposition to give your heart more hope than it should have. i only suggest that because you seem to be searching for any options that would allow for the two of you to be together. you should probably cut your losses and move on. i'm sorry.

 

however, by the topic name itself i think you're being rather realistic about the situation, so good for you...you're willing to admit that you don't think your relationship is a special case, like a lot of people tend to do. you'll figure your stuff out. don't worry.

[CheerfulSprocket]

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses. I've just had (another *sigh*) good cry over this and have accepted that you are all correct. It's not a hopeful situation. I was actually considering moving out there but if I had to be completely honest, most of it would have been because of him. And that's NOT a good idea. When I'm feeling strong, I know I should move on, but then I have my moments of weakness where I think that maybe we could be the exception? But then, I suppose everyone feels that way.

 

Okay. So I am resolved to let it go and move on. Maybe I'll find someone closer to where I am. Thanks again.

 

Sprocket