i can't take it anymore...

[anabanana]

i have posted about my situation before. basically, my husband and i had a really rough january-april. we did all sorts of hurtful things to each other...

 

we've lived together since we started dating 3 years ago. at the end of april he moved out. we saw each other and the deal was that we would be separated- we would keep contact minimal but would work towards something positive. it all ended on a really good note and we had fun with each other. we agree not to see other people.

 

so he moves out that day- he leaves a whole bunch of stuff behind. i leave him a message the next day and then on the weekend to tell him i got a greencard and to please come and pick the rest of his stuff up (i had a subletter move in). i don't hear from him at all.

 

so the following week, on wednesday, i left him a message asking him to come pick his stuff up while i was away at a v-ball tournament, i told him i loved him and missed him, and i told him i wouldn't be contacting him anymore. i told him he should get in touch with me when/if he is ready to see me or talk about our future.

 

i get a letter from him on friday that he wrote on tuesday (a week after he moved out). in it, he said he had a moment of clarity, that he wants to break up, that he doesn't miss me at all, and that he has no hope for our future. no explanations, no nothing. at the end of it, he said, "i know you'll want to get together to talk about this, so let me know a time that works for you."

 

i haven't heard from him in any way since- it has been about 10 days since i got the letter- 2 since he wrote it. i haven't contacted him either since he did say before he moved out that he really needed time and space from me and i am trying to respect that.

 

but i am really confused because i am not sure if we are broken up or what. since the letter, he has not taken any action to back up what he said in the letter. he hasn't come to pick up his stuff, he hasn't done a change of address form, he hasn't cut me off from his health insurance, he has paid for the electricity bill, and he hasn't changed his "friendster"" status to single or anything. what the hell is going on with that?

 

i don't know whether to get in touch with him or wait for him to contact me. i feel really abandoned and hurt- how does someone just cut someone out of their life like that? how can he just give up so easily? do you think the letter may have come out of anger and the time apart might make him see things differently?

 

i am so confused because a part of me is hopeful, but another part is bracing for the worst...

 

i'm leaving the city for about 10 days this weekend. if i don't hear from him by the time i get back, i guess i will give him a call and see if he wants to meet up for dinner and see how things go. we really only have 2 options- either we completely break up, or we start dating again very, very slowly- like seeing each other every 2 weeks and keeping contact minimal.

 

or should i just assume we are broken up and let him contact me, no matter how long that takes?

 

it is devastating to think that he just abandoned me like that. he was my best friend and boyfriend of 3 years. the last day i saw him he was telling me how much he loves me.... and then he moves out and suddenly overnight he forgets everything, stops loving me and missing me?

[joyce1412]

that's terrible. when a guy dumps you over the phone or, even worse, via letter, it hardly seems real, does it?

 

it sounds like you are doing really well so far. you must have some real willpower if you got that letter and didn't do anything crazy or even try to get in touch with him. give yourself some credit just for that! but if you really, really need an explanation as to why he wants to break up, you have a right to ask for it...he's your husband. you deserve more than a careless little letter. and it sounds like he wouldn't be hostile if you needed to speak with him. however, the best closure you're going to get is from within, so i wouldn't say you necessarily have to talk to him.

 

be honest with yourself that you are broken up. even if he's still paying your bills and all that other stuff, he told you he wants to break up. that's all a person needs to do for it to be over...sorry.

 

some time might make him feel differently, but it may not. regardless it seems NC would be a good thing for you, to help you move on and to let him see what life is like without you.

 

with that in mind, i don't know if i would recommend having dinner with him...like i said, if you really have to talk to him and get it out of your system, do it, but i don't know if it will do you any favors to have him see you down and depressed. sounds like a great way to ruin a nice dinner, don't you think? consider letting him remember your last time together as the time when he was telling you he loved you and all was okay...that might be a better and more dignified way for you to be remembered. if you want to get that initial closure, get it, but then do your best to bow out and go NC.

 

as far as him not loving you and missing you...you don't have to automatically go there. right now he is questioining his love for you, but i'm sure he misses you. i have no doubt that you are a good person and are worthy of being missed.