The Real Story Of Ajaxajax

[ajaxajax]

Dear people

 

This is probably a long post, so read this only if you are able to. I honestly don't know if me venting here is just human and acceptable or just embarrassing in front of everyone on eNotAlone. I have some good things going in my life, but also SO MANY MORE bad things happening. And, mainly, because of my father and my mistakes – and his, I can't run away from those bad things for a long time yet! But, I can't really take any more of this – not after Dad told me to stop screaming, never argue and just do anything anyone throws at me, no matter how inconvenient it is to me and my other jobs. Just because it's part of LIFE! I was told to just act like a 25 year old MAN (not a boy, not a wimp, but a strong, almighty, brutish, indifferent and crudely woman-using-and-abusing MAN!) If I wanted to – without fearing a punch on the face – I'd tell him there have been men older than me who committed suicide or massacred everywhere over things MUCH LESS than what I've been through. And I AM only 25! People may think that struggling on such a huge scale is a part of life, but I'd say my past life was anything but normal and was just an embarrassment I wanted to run away from.

 

I got reminded about some of the things Bill Gates said in the local paper that my mother wanted to force-feed into me. I do agree with the majority of what he said, but some things that I don't agree with Mum just put on the fridge anyway for me to be reminded of, since, well, Bill Gates is America's and the world's wealthiest man, she and a lot of you Americans think that every last word he says MUST be right if you want to have a good life. It's as if Mum already found the new God! The "rules" I don't agree with are

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

 

Now, I feel so embarrassed about myself and feel so betrayed by a lot of people I don't know if talking to even a counselor or doctor is a good idea since one of them might relay the message to someone else and then have me in trouble for it. I wanted to sob but I can't because it doesn't exactly make me feel better or do anything. I wanted to kill every idiot in my city but I can't because people will want me executed in jail or people will never let me have a career or something else terrible.

 

Here are some of the very important things I feel embarrassed about

1. I'm an Australian citizen with an Italian father (a small part Irish – all because everyone thought only Italians run brothels in Australia, a BIG LIE) and an Australian mother. I consider myself Italian because I take my father's surname and live with him and my mum. But, not a single Italian married into my father's family in 50 years. To put it bluntly, HIS family was full of Australianised lower class losers and drunks, while HER family comprised of mostly freaks and bible-basher Protestants – that's right the same types who hate Catholics with a hellish passion because we're their biggest Christian rivals (call me Satanic if you dare!)

2. I have never lived in an Italian neighbourhood in Australia. In fact, my cousins, uncles, aunts etc have all married non Italians – and most of them ended up in dire straits &/or divorced. I've never been heavily involved in any Italian social events, family gatherings etc. And my father says that Italians are worse than Australians. In fact, the only Italians he listens to are so-called "friends" who hate being Italian anyway!

3. I have been living over the past 20 years in a lower class suburb surrounded by factories, railyards, grasslands and lots of wondering, drunken and drugged thugs – and my father happens to love it because the area's cheap and the people there are "down-to earth". But, really, I think it reminded him of his childhood growing up in one of the poorest and most anti-Italian cities in Australia. My mum grew up in a somewhat poor country town. I just hate my suburb and desperately want to move away from it because I don't like the people I live near, but can't because I'm not wealthy enough and I'm not married

4. I have always excelled at high school, but struggled a little bit before graduation because of me being scared of ending up like the poor people and the bad parts of my family if I didn't get all As. I'm so upset about me graduating with a degree with Honours, but never getting into medical school. So, now – despite all my hard work – I'm another four years away from earning $60,000 per year, when people 4 years younger than me are already graduating and earning $1,000 per week and more! They're already enjoying yearly holidays, helping their parents out, getting married and buying houses for themselves etc while I'm stuck on only a fraction of that amount per week, working part-time

5. I've never had the right to stand up for myself, because I've always tried to do the right thing by everyone and felt that if I do, people will argue or get into fights with me and I'll end up getting in trouble with my family or with uni

6. I keep feeling that the only purpose for my family is to keep helping out and working and even help them in making money because everyone always try to leech money that we're always trying to pay bills with but never want to work and do their fair bit at all – and never accept as a son as part of a normal Italian family

7. I've never had a girlfriend AT ALL and kept on watching all the girls getting taken up by all sorts of jerks, getting screwed by them and have them falling in love and pretending that they're already engaged. All sorts of women keep telling me how handsome I am and how much of a man women would love to marry, but I keep getting funny signals from the same women, like not sitting next to me half the time when they're about to, giving me funny looks and not telling me anything about their true love lives until they say "hey, guess what, I've got a new bf!" And (please forgive me for sounding racist…I know it's wrong but I'm so scared because of me being half Aussie and my Italian dad being part Irish) I wanted to have an Italian gf so that I can "fix my family up". But, circumstances kept on stopping me from having one like my family's advice (like Italian women are among the biggest skanks around), their Italian friends not having their daughters knowing me, fear of rejection, never being allowed to see my sisters' friends and me never socialising with them enough due to work etc. In fact, I'm still reeling from an Italian lady friend of mine at Uni who is very likeable, friendly, has so many qualities I'm looking for in an ideal woman and appeared genuinely interested in me suddenly ending up with an Aussie jerk who looks nowhere near her style. I sometimes feel she never wanted to be with me because she hates being Italian. And I keep wondering if she'd suddenly marry him tomorrow if he asked her to and would have him "going into her" at any moment! And it was 13 months since she told me…I just felt like screaming at her, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING AN ITALIAN AND WITH FALLING IN LOVE WITH AN ITALIAN?"

 

I know that it sounds like too many layers for you to even think about. But, I just hate it when people try to tell me, as Bill Gates would say, "Hey, get with it! It's just life!" But, I honestly believe that God must have made me for reasons far better than this! And while I'm not thinking about suicide, I'm not feeling any better about myself than someone who is! If only I had a job in Italy – and some money, I'd take the first plane to Italy tomorrow…and never come back! I know I may have offended some people reading this (maybe some Australians), but I hope that whoever responds please consider my drastic life circumstances first. To be honest, I probably have some form of depression going on for years, but no-one wants me to have myself checked as, as they say, "only wusses and spoiled brats who love to make doctors and psychologists extra bucks" would suffer depression from a so-called normal life!

To close off, I just might like to ask – even if you can answer only one Q

- what do you make of this?

- is all of the above really supposed to be a part of life – or life gone SOOO MAD?

- might there be anything I can do to help myself?

 

I'd thank you so much, even just for reading this.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

I was born in America during a time where racism and prejudice doesn't run too rampant anymore, so I'm not sure I can really relate to any of this or even figure out what your going through. However, is being part of two cultures really that bad? I know I'm half scottish american and half russian. Plus most of my family is jewish. Kind of an odd mix, but I've learned to appreciate all the culture and history that goes along with those bloodlines. Theres much more to be proud of when it comes to being part of many cultures, then there is to begrudge upon.

[ajaxajax]

I know what you're saying...being multiracial is a good thing, only in theory. Some people don't mind being multiracial and I don't mind having friends being multiracial. I'm just frankly so fed up about Australia (no offence to good Aussies of course) trying to control Italians living there so that they can become like British Aussies. It appears perfectly ok for Aussies to adopt Italian culture, but the same people are also appearing to tell the Italians "adopt our culture and drop your own...or else, mate!" I also had a lot of members from both sides of my family treating my immediate family like trash because we're doing better than they are. Remember my dad's family's assimilated...not "really" Italian as such, and I feel so much worse off for it!

[the yang to the worlds yin]

So your life is awful do to all this? Sounds to me like you need to overcome everyone else's prejudices, rise above that, and realise your geneology isn't going to define what sort of man you are nor what life you lead.

[teacup]

u need a better attitude. and i dont mean just faking one for a couple of hours but a real positive attitude adjustment. i meet men who seem to wonder why they don't have a gf, but they have just the most negative, depressing attitude, deep inside they are insecure or bag on themselves. even if they fake a cheery smile around me....i mean, i can see through it? and it is NOT attractive at all.

 

and i can tell u have a similar attitude. so if you are really serious, then ur attitude needs to change.

 

and i dont mean to kick u when ur down or anything but if u want to hear what i really think.....well, the above is what i really think.

[ajaxajax]

Teacup (nice name), well to be honest it does sound like kicking me when I'm down. I do know what you're saying but - one female friend of mine on net told me that even when I appear happy, women can intuitively see that I have issues. I suppose the two biggest issues I have to deal with are:

1. It appears all right for everyone (even those who are supposed to be MY own family) to blame me when I make even the slightest mistake, but when everyone else makes a much bigger stuff up...they ALL get away with it lightly! I try my hardest to support myself and my family, but I keep feeling that my efforts aren't being appropriately rewarded in return.

2. My family (both my father's and mother's side) made all sorts of huge mistakes from marrying wrong people and having disgusting cousins etc, b/c of God knows what sort of circumstances, to constantly having coworkers ripping them off...and I'm afraid that just because I'm with them NO MATTER WHAT, I'll make the same mistakes and go through the same disasters unless I make very drastic things happen - including rebelling against my Aussie (mother's) side and anyone on my father's side who sees him/herself as just...Aussie

 

I honestly do want to be happy and not insecure, but I also want to be let go of the past eating into my present and have peace of mind both for my present and my future. By the way, the woman on the Net actually suggested that I should move out and go with circles of people who wouldn't make me feel worthless.

[ajaxajax]

Oh, also, with changing my attitude into a positive one...in my current environment and circumstances, which are actually quite dire, I could only hope that you all understand that having this change is so much easier for one person to say than another person like me to do

[teacup]

i used to have the worst attitude. a really rotten attitude. i was bullied starting in 3rd grade, my family didnt have a lot of money, i had no real friends, plenty of users and bad ppl, had rotten bfs, went through an abusive relationship, dropped out of school......oh yes, my life became a hell. i didnt know any better how to cope with any of it, so i was depressed and never smiled and just had a horrible attitude. it was the only way i knew how to deal with all. i had nobody to guide me through any of this growing up.

 

today i am a much more positive person. many times, i still have a bad attitude (i am surrounded by quite a bit of negativity), but i can tell im a little better now and it does make life much more enjoyable.......i like my life a lot better even though i still dont have any real friends, still don't have much money, my family's fighting, still struggling through school......but attitude makes a difference! i like life now!

[lorrie17]

we had this issue of what nationallity are we. i have an immigrint grandmother always playing up her british gentry roots.(she walk in to usa from canada, never lived in england) a wacked out russian grandmother that came over on a boat from litawania and another grandfather born and bred in ireland that married the canadian one. the russian grandmother was married 4 times so who knows. first i have always loved italian men. so yummy. but i married into an irish family, they are the shanty * * * irish kind playing at the lace curtain kind. i have the only girl born into their family in over 100 years and she is over 90 percent irish and i have played up being irish all of these 15 years of being married.

 

guess what, the irish bastard left me for another women some time back and now i realize that all this time i have felt english. i am english and russian with a small part irish.

 

without a blood test that has not been invented yet you are WHAT YOU SAY YOU ARE. and from what i get YOU ARE ITALIAN.

 

i recommend you get the hell out of there even if you have to put school on the back burner. run, move, get the hell out before there is nothing left of you. who gives a crap where your loyalities lie. just get out. move at least 300 miles and way and stay away for at least 4 months without calling anyone. don't give them you number or your address. and don't tell me you can't afford it , i moved away with a friend at 16 , worked for 100. a week and paid 100.00 a month rent. get the hell out of there and stay out of there.

 

as for women and wanting a girlflriend and someone to share you life. bull

 

you want someone to fix this mess and they can sense it.

 

get moving and leave these low lifes for at least 4 months.

 

finish school on loans and grants if you can.

 

go and live under a bridge or in a basement, preferablly in italy.

 

find yourself , away from them, and then you will know in your heart that the human heart is made up of many many things and very few people are all this or all that. you know in your heart which nationality you are but it won't hurt for you to go and find out.

 

the reason they won't ignore your minor mistakes is because they know you are the hope of that crap family and need you to drag them upward, but they will drag you under before they are thru. run, take a back pack and get the hell out.

 

drop you mother 1 postcard a month: i am fine, i am breathing. that's it.

 

go now.

[lorrie17]

we had this issue of what nationallity are we. i have an immigrint grandmother always playing up her british gentry roots.(she walk in to usa from canada, never lived in england) a wacked out russian grandmother that came over on a boat from litawania and another grandfather born and bred in ireland that married the canadian one. the russian grandmother was married 4 times so who knows. first i have always loved italian men. so yummy. but i married into an irish family, they are the shanty * * * irish kind playing at the lace curtain kind. i have the only girl born into their family in over 100 years and she is over 90 percent irish and i have played up being irish all of these 15 years of being married.

 

guess what, the irish bastard left me for another women some time back and now i realize that all this time i have felt english. i am english and russian with a small part irish.

 

without a blood test that has not been invented yet you are WHAT YOU SAY YOU ARE. and from what i get YOU ARE ITALIAN.

 

i recommend you get the hell out of there even if you have to put school on the back burner. run, move, get the hell out before there is nothing left of you. who gives a crap where your loyalities lie. just get out. move at least 300 miles and way and stay away for at least 4 months without calling anyone. don't give them you number or your address. and don't tell me you can't afford it , i moved away with a friend at 16 , worked for 100. a week and paid 100.00 a month rent. get the hell out of there and stay out of there.

 

as for women and wanting a girlflriend and someone to share you life. bull

 

you want someone to fix this mess and they can sense it.

 

get moving and leave these low lifes for at least 4 months.

 

finish school on loans and grants if you can.

 

go and live under a bridge or in a basement, preferablly in italy.

 

find yourself , away from them, and then you will know in your heart that the human heart is made up of many many things and very few people are all this or all that. you know in your heart which nationality you are but it won't hurt for you to go and find out.

 

the reason they won't ignore your minor mistakes is because they know you are the hope of that crap family and need you to drag them upward, but they will drag you under before they are thru. run, take a back pack and get the hell out.

 

drop you mother 1 postcard a month: i am fine, i am breathing. that's it.

 

go now. don't say goodbye, pretend you are leaving for school or other errand.

 

let someone else support the muchers. it is not your job. mother has a husband.

 

if you stay there you will end up with your head in the oven.

 

you cannot travel and start a life and still be depressed. believe me if you won't/can't go for help with depression then the home remedy for depression is action.

 

let us know where you go and how you are. i care.

[ajaxajax]

Thanks for your comments from earlier.

 

I might first need to ask how come you love Italian men, only to end up marrying an Irish fella (and then watching him divorce you)? The answer might be circumstance, right? If it is, then that is one thing I am so particularly upset about. Circumstances giving me the worst life could possibly offer, instead of what I hoped for and tried to work for in life.

 

With what you're saying, I do consider myself as ITALIAN, but my family considers me as more Aussie than Italian...just because my Mum's Aussie and I was born in Australia. Well, would a German born in Japan be suddenly called Japanese just becuase of the place of birth? I appreciate what you are suggesting to me - especially when I've funny feeling that's what you already did. But the reality of me leaving NOW is:

- it costs US$1,300 just to fly to Italy ONE WAY;

- just packing up my bags and quitting my education would only turn me into a refugee - even if I'm mostly italian. Some Italian politicians actually wanted refugees to be "shot out of the water";

- I can't exactly get out and stay out if I don't have a good job and/or money - me doing so would be me risking death (seriously I think it is);

- my family already put up with a lot of poverty in the Australian "lucky country"...so I don't know if living under a bridge would do any better especially when me seeing one more drunken yokko with a bottle of beer on a bus would drive me um HOMICIDAL;

- my own immediate family are not lowlives but nearly everyone else we know are...let's just say right now I feel like disowning, for example, 90% of Dad's family and 80% of Mum's family

 

But, I honestly do want to leave Australia and never come back once I become more financially secure, despite Dad and Mum telling me that after their trip to Italy 2 years ago, Italy has even more problems than Australia. Well, EXCUSE ME, hang on here...what about Australians having more problems than Italians - and that's for everyone living in Australia, me having an Italian father is better than me having an Aussie loser as a father or stepfather etc. And what about the 1 million Australians leaving the "lucky country" so that they can live in eg the US, Britain and, of course,...Italy?

 

As for women, I'm tired of having to put up with me being lonely when I don't need to be. I'm tired of having to put up with me hanging around all the ugly skanks and watching all the good and/or beautiful women going out with and marrying total jerks. I'm mostly fed up about Italian women, in particular, not going out with me. I keep struggling to find reasons why...I keep feeling either that I'm not Italian enough for some and too Italian for others. Even if I suddenly stopped trying to find a woman, what would happen if I do it for a few years, when all of a sudden nearly every good woman gets taken up PERMANENTLY by jerks who pretend to have big wallets and/or big jewels between their legs. Every opportunity that I had was wasted because of women being able to find me having BIG ISSUES and me reacting to their reactions - like a violent cycle.

 

I feel, however, that I can't exactly resolve all my issues until I do get out of here...but I need to get out of here properly or I'll have big issues in Italy too.

 

Lastly, I want to go out with women because I wanted to, not because I have a desparate need for them. If I found romance to be a nice, wonderful thing and if many told me that I'd be a wonderful partner, then how'd you feel if you were found out these things and still found the opposite sex staying away from you like a rotting, smelly piece of meat? :splat: And then find them falling for all those jerks who happen to turn on one or two quick moves to have them charmed for life?

 

Know what I'm saying? Anyway, thanks very much again. I'd like to see what you think...and others too.