Today I Found Myself (A Rant Mostly)

[Genji05]

I'm coming out of a long-term relationship. Less than one month after my ex dumped me, she got engaged to one of her friends (pretty messed-up, I know)! I've felt pretty down and lonely since then.

 

I was walking around today and thinking. I believe I've found myself today.

 

My loneliness has been grating on me for a few months now. Sometimes it hurts a lot. Sometimes it's just a dull feeling in the back of my mind. But it's always there. I can't say if I miss my ex, or if I just miss being in a relationship. Probably the latter.

 

I feel like my pain comes from an inability to accept myself…to love myself. On some level I feel like I need to be with someone to validate myself…to prove that I'm a valuable person—a worthy person.

 

I think my ex must feel the same way, hence the engagement so soon after our break-up. She hasn't even resolved all of her emotions for me yet! She's afraid of being alone. She's uncomfortable being with herself. She's hiding from herself—masking her deep internal pain with a new fiancé. In a way, I pity her, and I hope that her desperation to mask her internal shame with her new engagement doesn't hurt her too badly when it all blows up.

 

I'm taking the other path. I've decided that I need to deal with my own self-rejection first. I need to love myself. Otherwise, I'll never be able to truly love another person. I'd be just like her. In fact right now, I am just like her. I go out with friends and have a good time! I feel great! But as soon as I get home, and I'm alone again, I feel empty. I'm hungry for more human interaction. More approval.

 

It's like there's a hole in me. I try to fill it with companionship, friends, hugs, kisses, sex, and anything else; but nothing I do fills it in. I still feel empty, and I want more companionship, friends, hugs, kisses, sex, etc. I can never get enough. Some people (like my ex) would confuse this with love for the people that provide them with all of the above, but I know it's really just a symptom of not loving yourself. The hole I sense in myself is my own self-rejection.

 

I can't run from it anymore. I can't hide it or cover it up with other people or things. I need to take the higher path and battle my inner demons, look myself in the face, and say "I love you!" I need to accept myself. I can see that now. If I don't, then I'll have gained nothing from this break-up.

 

That's my thought for the day.

[Demond34]

great post man.......I have alot of the same feelings and emotions running thru me as you do. You hit alot of points dead on and I am also taking the same path you are. I'm not going to run away from it and hide it in someone else's presense. I need to be ok and happy with just being me and able to be happy alone. "I want to love me some me"- Terrell Owens... only then will I want to proceed into another relationship.

[newbie30]

Amazing. I've been desperately shoveling whatever I could find into this hole, and wondering what the problem was. You just spelled it out for me. Can't thankyou enough.

[not2shy532]

i feel exactly the same way.. i have done compulsive things and irrational behaviors just to feel high and feel alive. but you are right... in the end when im all alone i feel like i need more excitement. i like all of you want to be able to spend days by myself and actually enjoy it. take myself for lunch, go rent a movie and laugh alone, even at the theatre, just have a great time by myself. i think it's the best way to find yourself and be content with life. if we spend time by ourselves and enjoy it, we wont need anyone anymore. im glad to see this post, so i know im not the only one who feels empty alot of the time when im alone!

[mmmending]

[...] My loneliness has been grating on me for a few months now. Sometimes it hurts a lot. Sometimes it's just a dull feeling in the back of my mind. But it's always there. [...]

I feel like my pain comes from an inability to accept myself…to love myself. On some level I feel like I need to be with someone to validate myself…to prove that I'm a valuable person—a worthy person.

v. thoughtful post.. you opened up something for me here that i've had a hard time coming up against

 

the feeling of unworthiness is so grinding.. at times, i am aware of consciously feeling it, at others i see in retrospect that my actions have been motivated by a sense of unworthiness..

 

without hijacking your post, i'd like to say that when i first came to this site, i lurked for a few weeks, then registered, but didn't post for a couple of months after having done so..

 

i see that i am very willing to offer advice, but at the same time only let out in dribs and drabs "why i am here"

 

i've been really wondering why this is so.. offline, i'm an open person, a very open person even.. gregarious, lots of energy, i'm interested in things, get involved.. i like people

 

in the break up with my lover something really dropped inside of me.. i was/am so in love with this person, and she with me.. for reasons (suffice it to say), i initiated the break up, but she is the enforcer of NC..

 

i spoke to her over the phone about a month ago.. in that conversation she said "if you really love me, never call me ever again".. my reaction to this went way beyond denial, or numbness.. i literally could not understand what i was hearing.. i love her, am in love with her and this is my love.. my love is my love

 

so, unworthiness.. in those ten words spoken to me, that this person is unwilling or now unable to receive my love, i cannot, in any genuine reckoning, (yet) grasp that this unwillingness, or inability is in no way a reflection upon the worthiness of the love..

 

conceptually i get it.. affectively, i'm sooo not there

 

thank you for posting

[Genji05]

Thanks for the positive comments.

 

I agree, learning to love oneself is no easy task. But if you can at least define the problem, you know what you need to work on and what to aim for instead of just flailing around from relationship to relationship or from addiction to addiction.

 

Remember, true love for another person comes from an excess of love you have within yourself, not from a deficiency that they have to fill.

 

I myself have a long way to go, but at least I finally have a destination.