Is he just not that into me?

[beckie2006]

Hi everyone. My friend suggested this site to me awhile ago, I've been searching around but finally found the time to make a post about my situation. I know you all have probably heard countless situations of this type, but I really would appreciate any advice anyone has to offer.

 

Anyways. I'm 24. I'm dating a 35 year old man. He has kids, and was once married. I think this plays into how he is treating me now, but I'm not sure. Before we got together, he wanted to date me, but I really took a step back to think about it, for a few reasons. 1) The age gap. 2) religious differences 3) the baggage. It was a friend of his that convinced me to decide to give things a try. I figured it wouldn't hurt. I do like this man, a lot, but lately I've found him to be really distant and perhaps even unattracted to me. He never seems to initiate any contact any more, whether it just be a hug, or even just going out. We've been dating for over 2 months. I call him a lot, I know I shouldn't, but he calls me too once in awhile and all he ever seems to do is say "wasssup" and then I have to carry the conversation and he doesn't even as much as invite me out.

 

Anyways. I'm considering breaking it off, after all, its only been 2 months, and I don't want to continue a relationship the rest of my life in this way. I want to feel special, I want to feel attractive, I want to feel like I am important to someone. And he just hasn't been showing it. The reason I haven't already done so, is because when I am really considering it, its almost like he turns around.

 

Nevertheless, the lack of attention is certainly getting to me. My ex boyfriend is coming to visit this weekend (my current boyfriend knows this, knows we are going to hang out, and is ok with this). I know my ex is still attracted to me and because I'm not getting attention in my current relationship its making me seriously consider going out and having a good time with my ex, which might involve things that my bf would not approve of. I wouldn't have sex with him but I'm just talking about cuddling while watching a movie type of thing. Not even kissing. Although, knowing me, I will see him, feel guilty, and not do that kind of stuff. Its just that I get so flippin mad at my boyfriend that the thoughts cross my mind. So maybe this in itself is a reason for me to break up with him.

 

Anyways, I'd like to know what you all think. Is there anything I can do or say to change how this relationship is going? And If you think I should break up with him what should I say, how should I go about doing it in the best way so that neither of us get hurt or blow up at each other.

 

Thank you.

[tmp0620]

Go out with someone closer to your own age that doesn't have children...

[tmp0620]

"and guy's are mostly dog's and users for themselves and don't give a crap as to who they hurt in their own quest for comfort or validation."

 

A couple bad experiences don't give you the right to make sweeping generalizations about people.

[annie24]

Anyways. I'm considering breaking it off, after all, its only been 2 months, and I don't want to continue a relationship the rest of my life in this way. I want to feel special, I want to feel attractive, I want to feel like I am important to someone. And he just hasn't been showing it. The reason I haven't already done so, is because when I am really considering it, its almost like he turns around.

 

Welcome to eNotalone.

 

I think this alone says you should break things off. In the beginning, things are really nice and easy. At 2 months, you two should be so happy seeing each other that lack of hugging and kissing should not be a problem!

 

You are in the "honeymoon" phase - and if this is the best it is... this doesn't bode well for your future.

 

Think about you - are YOU happy in this situation? does he make you feel warm and happy and loved? if not, maybe you should let this one go and find someone better for you.

 

you are young, don't feel the need hang onto this guy who has a ton of baggage and more importantly, doesn't seem totally insanely crazy about you.

 

good luck

[xprincessbugx]

If you think that you might start things with your ex when he visits and you're feeling like your current boyfriend doesn't appreciate you and it sounds like you know you deserve better then it's time to end things. Just be glad you figured this out before something got really serious.

[Lady Bugg]

First of all...I disagree that someone should be "all over you" in the "honeymoon phase' of a relationship. Yes it IS preferable...but some people prefer a slow simmer... compared to a full on boil. Maybe this guy is simply being cautious with his heart. He DOES have children to consider.

We don't know this guy or the way he operates. Maybe once he feels more established in the relationship he will open up more. I don't know many single parents who jump head first into a relationship . They have much more to consider than their own needs. I also think it's unfair to call his children "baggage" simply because the poster does not have children. I am assuming this guy was married....so that means he IS capable of making a commitment.

 

I say just step back from the relationship for a bit, and see what happens.

Take a trip with g/f's or something...don't rely so much on him to be "prince charming". If you do you are definetely setting yourself up for failure.

[Beyondthesea]

Personally I think at two months there should still be a lot of hugging and such going on...it's probably because of the age gap in my opinion.

 

I would drop him now. Baggage, age, are good enough reasons for anyone. I'd do it now before you are together too long and too involved.

[Lady Bugg]

She is 24 and he is 35....I am 35!!! I LOVE hugging and affection. I don't see how this is at ALL related........

 

I think asking this guy what his intentions are is her BEST bet. No screwing around with your ex...no game playing. Believe me..at his "crippling" age he is NOT wanting to play games.

[annie24]

lady bugg - how is your arthritis?

 

definitely - I think asking him how he feels is a good way to go.

[Lady Bugg]

LMAO ANNIE....

 

I went 'hobbling" for exercise today, but I made it to Bingo dagummit!

[luxe_13]

Hi, I would suggest that you break it off with him. If he really likes you, he'll come running.If not, you'll soon find someone who will give you the attention you deserve.

I would not suggest going back to the ex though. that always spells trouble.

[beckie2006]

Wow, thank you all so much for your wonderful advice. It is much appreciated! Sorry I was not able to get to the computer until late this afternoon. I have decided to break up with him. Lady Bugg, you have an interesting viewpoint on this situation, and it definitely makes sense. I did attempt to talk to him last night, and we discussed the issues that were going on, what was bothering me and what was bothering him. I did ask him about his intentions, and we even discussed the possibility of breaking up. He kept saying he didn't want to break up, although we didn't come to any conclusion about changes that needed to be made and so forth.

 

Anyways, in his situation right now he is under a lot of stress. Which he tells me is why he is distant at times. That and he doesn't like to be cuddly all the time, especially when other people are around. (Like his roommates, who are always around when I go over there).

 

The reason I decided its better to break things off now, is because I am definitely not happy, and maybe there is another woman who can be happy with him and the situation he is in, but I definitely cannot. It IS a lot for me to take on right now. I'm finally getting my career started and getting my life in action and getting with a guy whos already been married and has kids and still working his way up the ladder, it is a lot for me to deal with. Too much. I realized that I want someone to share the important experiences for the first time with me. Like getting married and having kids.

 

So thats where I am at. I'm most grateful for all your advice. I think I will break up with him tonight. I want to avoid doing it over the phone. I know it will hurt him a little bit, but its better to get it over with and move on with my life.

[annie24]

definitely, if you are not happy with the situation, and you think there is a woman out there that can be happy with him, I think you are doing absolutely the right thing.

 

good luck!