She went away and met someone

[ShroomzGod]

My girlfriend of two years went away to Europe for 4 months. We decided to take a break while she was there and said that we would get back together. While there she met someone in her group who she is with all the time out there. At first it wasn't serious now it is. He lives about 8 hours away from her when at home. She tells me that she cares about me and misses me but that she really likes the guy. She told her friend that they have had sex and it's completely over between us. She tells that when she gets home we should just be friends and hang out and do some of the things we used to do. I would really like to be with her when she gets back but I don't know what to do. I told her we could be friends. But I don't want that, I want more. Any suggestions on what to do?

[cacain119]

that is a truly difficult situation.

 

at the point that you said you would take a break when she went to europe -- it is completely in her hands. she can stay faithful (but you could have equally gone off and met someone..) and she could have chosen to date around. If I were you, I would try to date around. I would try to get over her, however you need to do that. The last thing you want to do is be a carpet for her -- allowing her to have her cake and eat it too -- it's not attractive for a guy to be walked all over. You need to let her know you need time apart, and you are planning on dating as well, and act towards her as if you've already moved on -- I think after that, the true feelings will show.

[ShroomzGod]

Oh by the way she keeps in touch with me by e-mail and does it pretty often, I do reply and say stupid things I don't want her to feel bad about us breaking up and we can hang out when you get back as friends. Resentky I was stupid and told her that I wanted her back and things could change, She shot that down and told me to move on, but still says that she wants to be friends and she keeps in contact with me. I do e-mail her but only after she does.

[kadvati79]

Unless you find the thought of extracting your spleen through your nose with wire on a regular basis fun and exciting, then you don't want to subject yourself to the stress and pain of being friends with her. For starters you can't be an objective friend, as you still care about her, and she will end up hurting you again and again. Also, she gets to be with this new guy and gets your care and attention at the expense of your heart, which (if it isn't already) will be crushed.

 

We know nothing of this relationship with this guy. But have you ever seen or read Romeo and Juliet? A key theme is that if that relationship was left to its own devises, it quite likely would have withered away. Who knows what will happen with this guy, it could be the biggest mistake of her life - but she won't find out unless you are gone.

 

My recommendation, just vanish. No emails, no texts, nothing. No calls. Don't answer. Some might recommend writing an email, but I always find it so hard to get the emotional content out you end up doing more damage and saying things you either don't mean or regret later. You are under no obligation to be her friend, and in this case, I would simply just say nothing.

[tylercdurden2004]

When she decided to take a "break" is when you should have started moving on. takign a break is really apolite way to say "I am not sure you are the one I want to be with". Was she the one suggesting the break?

[ShroomzGod]

It was a mutual thing, But now it's different. And I told her that we could be friends and acted like I was really into it because that's the advice I was geting from other people. How can I now tell her that we should be apart after I was all about being friends?

[tylercdurden2004]

It was a mutual thing, But now it's different. And I told her that we could be friends and acted like I was really into it because that's the advice I was geting from other people. How can I now tell her that we should be apart after I was all about being friends?

 

Well i suspect even though it was mutual you both had different expectations or motives. Be honest with yourself, is the break REALLY what you wanted? For her it was most likely a way to prevent any guilt she might feel if she were to find someone else or have some sort of relations with someone else. I am sure she did not say this to you. This is not an uncommon theme when one person goes travelling in fact it was probably easier to do the dirt somewhere other than her own door step. I would do as Ice suggested and completely drop her.

 

Her ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN HER WORDS. And her words are telling you to move on. You are "not the one". I know its not what you want to hear but be honest if you were "the one" she would have never asked for the break much less found someone else. So why be with someone when they are not the one. For fun maybe or to learn abotu relationships but it doenst really sound like this is or will be fun for you and nor will this girl teach you anything other than heart ache. If you want a lesson in heart ache by all means go for it.

[ShroomzGod]

So I should never reply when she e-mails and just dissappear? And when she gets home I should not answer when she calls? How will I know if she wants me back? Please tell me what to do.

[Trex]

I am going through a very similar thing. My ex wants us to be friends. When she told me it was over for good about 6 weeks ago, I said fine. I agree. I said, "You're right. We can never make this work and we are not dating anymore." I told her to stop kissing me. Now we have hung out a lot in the last 3 weeks, even went to a movie together tonight and had a great time. I am trying to do the "friends thing." Pretending that I don't want anything more. But I can tell you it is TOUGH. It is sooooo hard. I don't know how long I can keep this up. The only good thing about it is the pain is muted, so I'm not nearly as depressed as I was.

 

If you are prepared to feel the crappy feelings you'll have when you part and there is no romance, well, I guess go for it. But I can't say it will make you happy. It's making me anxious, nervous. I even started smoking again!! This is not a good place to be. I think you have to be REALLY strong and okay with it never working out and just being friends and nothing more (because nothing is guaranteed to bring anyone back). But I think you want a lot more than "just friends." I am debating about whether to make a move or not, to cut contact or not and go totally NC, because being in the "friendzone" is WAY too hard. She flirts with me a lot, but doesn't take it any further. If she does this with you when you see her again and you can handle this with AMAZING patience, some professionals will tell you this is the best way to get back with someone (while also dating others and not being too available).

 

But I'm not sold on it. I guess I'm having doubts, and I just want to warn you about taking this friends route. In my case, my girl doesn't have anyone else. If she did, I think I would disappear for at least a couple of months. Perhaps you should consider this. It might make her miss you and reconsider her decision to be with this other guy. I wish I could be of more help. But we're kind of in the same boat, and I'm thinking about jumping ship because it's just too darn hard.

[tylercdurden2004]

So I should never reply when she e-mails and just dissappear? And when she gets home I should not answer when she calls?

 

Exactly. She has told you to move on now do it. You owe her nothing. Remember she has found someone new and is haqving a good time wiht him not you. Dont rationalize this cause you agreed to it, be honest with yourself it was more beneficial to her and not you. And next time someone brings up taking a break, take it as breaking up and move on immediately. Dont be this girls crutch until she finds what she wants. You need to go and find what you want.

 

How will I know if she wants me back? Please tell me what to do.

 

When she shows up at your door after 6 months of you disappearing and asks for a second chance. The point is "IF" she comes to the realization you are "the one" then she will do everything in her power to make that happen. If the pain of never being with you is greater than her fear of what you will say she will do it. Move on and live your own life. At this point she has indicated through her actions as well as her words that you are not the one. If you were she would never have agreed to a "break". Leave her be and move on.

 

 

PS I am still interested who brought up the break first or more importantly who said yes we should have a break first.

[heloladies21]

My idea on this type of situation has changed very much lately. You do not want to just disappear on her or else she'll just think you're mad at her. You need to spell it out for her to let things play out the right way.

 

You're not ok being her friend, you want more. Tell her that. Tell her you want to work towards a relationship and you're not interested in anything less, like just being friends. Most likely she'll say that's all she's offering, so then you cut contact, but she needs to know why. Let things stew for a while and she'll make up her mind about you. If she comes back, then you'll be in the right position. If not then it's done. But doing what you're doing will not work and only make it hard for you to move on.

 

In the meantime, start talking to some other girls. It'll do you wonders.

[ShroomzGod]

She wanted the break after she made out with this guy. Before that it was love you's and after it wasn't there at all. At that point it was gone but she still acted like she cared. To be honest before she left I was sick of being with her all the time and acted distant, once she left I really missed her. She would say how lonely she was. I may have drove her away a little bit. But I was still caring. Things were really good between us before she left. She did say that she thought that I wasn't into the relationship as much as she did. And I did need some space because she would be with me all the time. I didb't show her how much I apperciated her.I guess there were things that I really didn't like about her, but now i miss her. I guess I screwed up too. will never talking to her again. Does this sound like it's over for good.

[ShroomzGod]

In the meantime, start talking to some other girls. It'll do you wonders.

 

I have been but they it has been hard to get the game back, I think thats why I miss her, because all the other girls i meet suck. And since it's only been a few weeks since she said there was no chance of getting back together I have not let go. She has been holding me back

[heloladies21]

Oh my man keep at it. You'll break through and find some who can keep your interest. Seriously, there are so many women in this world, and honestly, in lots of ways they're not all THAT different from each other.

[tylercdurden2004]

We all screw up at one point or another but "the one" you meet will allow for small screw ups but set boundaries. They will talk to you about issues but not allow the behaviours to continue with out effort on your part to change them. Some things will be deal breakers like cheating etc. But small issues like aberrations in communcation will be discussed. She has chosen to leave which indicate you are not the one. So yes I believe its over.

[GottaLetItBurn]

Be glad Tyler is here to tell you some good advice.

 

I have to tell you that you need to run. That is not something I don't think 99 percent of people can do though. The feeling are just to strong.

 

If you think long and hard about just ignoring her and decide to go through with it then you will be rewarded with the peace of mind of her calling to see what your up to. Then you can tell her to get lost, because she messed up.

 

The thing is, once it's over it's over. You have got to realize, Would the one your going to be with for life ever have been ok with this split or "break"?

 

 

Noooooo.. Try to be logical, I know it's hard. Fight the emotions and look at the facts no matter how much that hurts. You will be ok if you let her go.

 

If you walk away then she will have to wonder what if later. Or atleast there is a possiblity.

 

If you beg for her back and get soft, then you push her further away and lose. Since it doesn't sound like it's going to work out, you might aswell show her she is the one losing you not vice versa.

[Siriana]

Try to ignore her. Don't be her friend - that's soooooo bad for you. A friend? Hoping she will choose you at the end? No, no, no and no! You are not honest that way because you have hidden agenda (you are trying to get back together) and that will make friendship impossible and you misserable. It will hurt a lot!!!!!

 

It's not fair of her to suggest friendship and to contact you! She should leave that up to you when you are ready. She doesn't have the guts to brake it up completely after 2 years- she needs some kind of security that a firendship with you might provide. She's somewehre in the middle and it's not any of your bussiness.

 

Probably you woan't listen that advice right now - you will try to be friends, and when you get really hurt you will know that it's the right thing to do.

 

I realised from my experience that the best thing is NO CONTACT-your life will get broader perspective and you woan't be stuck in a moment that you can't geth out of it. If you can't start no contact by cutting her of slowly (that's so hard to do, trust me) you can tell her you're seeing someone else right now and that frienship with ex girlfirend doesn't seem appropriate right now. No explanations, just say that-don't get into that more if she trys to disccuss about it. (if she stays persistent - than she's really really selfish, because she should respect that for the benefit of your "new relationship")

 

She told you to move on so better listen to what she's saying because if she can say that so clearly she made her mind. If she changes her mind after saying that - she's just affraid to be alone, and want's security till someone new comes up. Probably all subconsciously, not on purpose, but you don't need that.

 

Maybe you are not in a stage to get this advice right now, but just comforting you wouldn't be good in the long run.

 

Good luck.

[Süsser Tod]

So she wanted a break after she cheated on you? She wanted a break after she found someone else to replace your place?

 

Man, its over.

[ShroomzGod]

Thank you guys I will take in all the advice. I have told her that I cannot be friends and want more. Knowing that she will say that is all she can offer I will tell her we need time apart and go No Contact. Thank you all for the help

[ShroomzGod]

It has been a week of NC with the ex. It has been very difficult for me to do this. I want to write her so bad but I have been strong. I wrote her last week like I said above and have not heard back from her since. I was talking to a friend of mine about the situation and she told me what all of you have.

 

But one thing she did say that rattled me was that my ex will want to get back with me once this other guy is gone. She said that I'd be a fool to take her back even though that's what I want at this moment. Basically I'd be a doormat for her. Should I get back with her if she does what tyler said, shows up at my door? I don't know what I would do. Any advice?

[heloladies21]

Don't worry about hypotheticals like this. You'd just be playing head games with yourself. Deal with the situation only if it arises. In the meantime you have more important things to worry about like getting more of those numbers we were talking about.

[ShroomzGod]

I know. I met this girl at a party on saturday, I think she likes me, I mean we did kiss that night but she wouldn't repeat later. I am however going for coffee with her tomorrow. That girl from school I don't think is worth my time seeing as we could never find time to do this project. Oh well I'm sure I find more girls out there.

[Siriana]

Don't worry what will happen when she comes back. You might be surprised how your opinion will start to change thanks to NC. The longer you are doing NC her chances to have an impact on you are becoming smaller. By that time probably you will start questioning yourself do you even want to see her or talk with her, and you will realise that dating with her is something that wouldn't be good for you. You are doing great, you already met a girl on party on saturday.

Looks like you didn't forget how to date or how to attract girls. Great! Go out as much you can, there could be some good surprises for you there.

[jchan]

sorry i've been away for a while but here's one quick line that'll help you out in straightening your mindset for dating other girls vs. the ex.

 

"Don't chase, just replace!"

 

cheers bud, it'll be a grueling process with NC but you will come out a winner!

[ShroomzGod]

The ex just e-mailed me after 2 weeks of NC. It seems tht she didn't the e-mail where I said that I didn't want to be friends. she comes home at the end of the week. See asked how I was, what's going on at home, she even asked how my * * * *ing cat was. She also asked if I still want to be friends when she comes home and if I wante to get together. I know that I could handle it without acting stupid or emotional. What should I do. I'm not going to reply right away or at all, keep me strong guys, I need you all right now.

 

PS, I would still like to get back together with her, but I also want to tell her off for what she did