Am I right in thinking that …

[nmduipd]

1. Since heterosexual men are attracted to women, even if a man is in love with a woman, he is still attracted to other women.

2. Men will always want to have sex with other women, no matter how much they love the women they are with.

3. What prevent a man from actually doing it are moral norms, commitment, sincere attempt to spare someone's feelings, religious beliefs etc.

4. The difference between cheating and being faithful is in the ability to resist temptation.

5. So, the whole point of a relationship is based on someone's capability to prevent himself to do what he would otherwise like to do.

 

I am currently reconsidering my own values and would really appreciate any commets.

[Jorus Cbaoth]

Your points sound pretty accurate to me. Some men are more attracted to other women than others. Some have no desire to be with other women other than their partner. I can't speak for everyone, just for me. But yes, what keeps people faithful is resisting temptation. Even the strongest of us get tempted from time to time. Keep in mind that other temptations can ruin relationships too, not just influences from other women. Money, gambling, alcohol, drugs.. the list is endless.

[Sylph]

Points one to four I have no problem.

 

Point five doesn't gel with me, the point of a relationship is to be with someone that you have an emotional attactment to, and only that person.

[nmduipd]

I need to clarify, Sylph,

I assumed that you would have emotional attachment in a relationship.

But most people expect sexual exclusiveness and having sex with someone else is pretty much a deal breaker.

My point was: what's the big deal about having sex with other people, if you know your partner wants it anyway. Why we expect other people to restrain from their needs and wishes? If we love them, shouldn't we want them to be happy and do whatever they want?

[Sylph]

Well I think you're assuming that everyone isn't satisfied with having one partner at a time. I don't disagree with the idea that people will be attracted to other people while they're in a relationship it doesn't mean that they sexual desires for them that they want to presue.

 

When you're on a close emotional level with someone sharing yourself with someone else is only lower the relationship you have a partner, it makes it less "exclusive". Of course this only matters if you think that having sex with someone is special and important.

 

Personally I'm all for questioning social norms but I really don't have any problem with monogamy, it's really not that difficult to keep to one person at a time. I probably haven't explained my point very well mind, I'm not very engaged at this time of night.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I love this topic. If you're talking about the ridiculous societal constraints we put on ourselves that go against our actual nature that is.....correct me if I've gotten the wrong point??

[itsallgrand]

My point was: what's the big deal about having sex with other people, if you know your partner wants it anyway. Why we expect other people to restrain from their needs and wishes? If we love them, shouldn't we want them to be happy and do whatever they want?

 

No. Because I want to be with someone who has learned delayed gratification, being able to sacrifice small pleasures for long term ones, and consideration for his/her impact on the lives of other people and the world.

 

Basically, maturity on an emotional mental and sexual level. Spiritual level even.

[shes2smart]

My point was: what's the big deal about having sex with other people, if you know your partner wants it anyway. Why we expect other people to restrain from their needs and wishes? If we love them, shouldn't we want them to be happy and do whatever they want?

 

This is where it helps to discuss what your expectations are before getting too deeply involved with someone.

 

There are many other options to the one man/one woman completely monogamous in every way, shape and form relationship blueprint.

 

If you want to have multiple partners (either shared or not shared with your primary partner) there are others who desire that kind of relationship as well. If you want those other partners to be of a sexual nature only, swingers groups are probably the way to go....if you want those other partners to be shared in a more encompassing relationship sense, then polyamory groups are the way to go.

 

My husband and I are sexually monogamous, but will occasionally engage in BDSM play with others...sometimes together, sometimes separately, but within limits discussed and agreed upon in advance of the activities.

 

As long as everyone involved is open and honest, there are very few things that can't be negotiated.

 

People start creating problems and drama when they aren't open and honest and start doing things behind their partner(s) back(s).

 

If you're inclined to, say, a polyamorous relationship you're probably better off NOT getting involved with someone who's expecting a monogamous relationship. That has to do with having the same relationship goals...and if you get involved with someone who doesn't have the same relationship goals that you do -- be it multiple partners, marriage (or not), having a family (or not), etc...it's just a matter of time before you're gonna have some serious issues to deal with.

 

So, to sum up -- as long as you're involved with someone who has simliar relationship goals/expectations AND all parties involved are open and honest with all other parties there are many more relationship options than one man/one woman 100% monogamous blueprint.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, right on shes2smart.

There are lots of options, and it's all fine so long as each person knows the deal and agrees.

 

I basically just wanted to make the point that, for those looking for a longterm monog relationship, or who are in one: it's not necessarily a case of repressing what one truly wants. It's a choice...looking for different aspects to share besides just 'now' desires.

 

And there isn't always a lurking scuminess below men/women who choose monog. For those who are truly in it honestly, it IS what they WANT.

 

hope that makes some sense.

[nmduipd]

Thanks everyone for you answers

 

I am one of a few people who don't even notice other men when in love with someone. And I assumed (for years!) that this is how it works.

But, all the men I have ever been with, I have ever talked to, I have heard about,… all of them are basically attracted to other people and more or less are trying to do something about it. And reading various threads on this forum confirmed that having desires for other people seems to be normal and healthy thing for most people.

What I wanted to achieve by this post is to understand how other people think and to review my own values.

Because, I tend to think: if that is what you really want, why pretend just spare my feelings?

[nmduipd]

This is exactly what I thought before, itsallgrand!

But with experience, I realised that this supressed desire is the reason men have that need to go to strip clubs, look at women at every possible occasion, look at images of naked girls… It looks like this is the same desire, just brought down to 'acceptable' level.

Right now, I feel like I got it all wrong in the first go. And now, I am giving myself a second chance and trying to understand how the world really works.

[itsallgrand]

lol. Well, no offence, but I don't think I am being naive here. Sure, men have desires and are going to look at other women, maybe want to look at some porn sometimes whatever - no big deal to me.

We're all sexual creatures, and just because we are commited to one person doesn't mean all of a sudden they become the only outlet or expression of our sexuality!

 

Like, some people are just better at it than others. I think sexuality is all encompassing. Working out at the gym can be an exercise in expressing sexuality. Nearly anything can.

 

Some people aren't very good at finding outlets or expressing, or containing themselves. So they find socially/relationally poorer methods: Like frequenting strips clubs a lot or hitting on other people (beyond normal talk and harmless flirting). Or they go have an affair, or something stupid like that.

 

Some people do not believe monog relationships can ever work. Fine.

But I do - even though expectations and shifts need to be adjusted.

 

And I know I don't know everything! lol. I'll get back to this after a 40 yr marriage without any affairs or leaving, and then talk eh?!

 

Seriously though, i just think it has to do with having some slack and learning to live with certain things, and being willing to reassess expectations and such.

Which you are trying to do ....and that's cool.

 

I only hope you do not start to believe that all men are sleaze or incapable of enjoying one woman without causing her harm ......

stepping back to see what else happens here...

[nmduipd]

I didn't think for a second you're being naïve, itsallgrand!

What I meant is that maybe my expectations were too rigid.

 

As you said: "Expectations and shifts need to be adjusted. " Maybe that is where I went wrong ?

[nmduipd]

As I said, I am trying to resolve a few issues with myself…

And I have another question now – well, for those who are willing to answer it anyway…

The fact is, if you are in a committed relationship, neither of you is expected to have sex with other people. Why? If we all want to have sex with other people anyway, and resisting temptation is the only reason people stay faithful, what is the point of being faithful? Why is the ability to resist temptation so important? Why are you so good if you are able to resist the temptation and so bad if you are not?

Wouldn't it be more honest to just go and have sex with whomever we want?

Otherwise, we end up with totally opposite expectations.

I am serious with this question. I am honestly not trying to provoke anyone; I am just trying to understand other people's opinions.

Please, believe this.

TIA