Is it time to call it quits?

[aporia14]

We've been on and off for 8.5 years. From high school to mid-20s. Of these 8.5 years we've spent 3 years in the same location, 4 years 2.5 hours away (me in rochester he in Toronto) and the past year I've been living in NYC and he is in Mumbai, India. He will be studying there for 4 more years. I've visited him twice since he's been in India.

 

I did not object to him going to India because I was excited for him. I will be starting law school soon so, I will be busy for the next 3-5 years on my career. We both agree that we want to get married but, not right now.

 

Lately, there has not been much to talk about and i've been getting frustrated. We do call each other everyday--I call more than he does. Part of me thinks that is the problem. I just find myself getting lonely, and frustrated so I try to reach out to him and there isn't much he can do. I live alone, I work full-time, I do have my family around but, this city just isn't conducive to meeting new friends (as in JUST friends).

 

I've also been seriously considering seeing other people but, I'm not sure I can do it without being seriously heartbroken. I thought about an "Open relationship" but, we would both be upset if the other dated someone else.

 

Should I end things before I become a bitter, miserable, and lonely woman?

[PocoDiablo]

Funny, I just gave a guy some advice on the flip side of this issue (practically.)

 

Long story short? I'd say if you waited for more than two years for him to get his act together, you waited too long.

 

Here is what I posted (an article I had written for guys):

[looklikescarlett]

I was with my boyfriend for 14 years from age 15 to 29. We lived together twice for years at a time, talked marriage, went to various school and work experiences together, were separated on numerous occasions for months at a time and spoke/ saw eachother everyday. We went through everything imagineable: loss of pregnancy, marriages/ divorces of friends and family members, deaths of friends/ family memebers, 4 home purchases, 6 cars, his weight issues, my fianancial issues etc....14 years of growing! It seemed as though everything else was a priority for him except commitment and building a life together. He pursued numerous businesses, cheated and lied, made (false) promises of fabulous homes and lots of kids, he wasn't always there (literally) for me during times of emotional hardship, he was selfish. Despite all the expectations and disappointments, our bond from growing up together somehow always brought us back to one another and I held on thinking that we are forever. Three years ago, he had a long term affair while I was away working (he still called me almost daily to tell me he loved me). I was devastated, near suicide becuase I was convinced I could not live without him and that no one else could replace him or understand me the way he did. I survived 2 months before I got sucked back in. I took him back and lived with the resentment, mistrust, frustration, disappointment and jealousy thinking that we will one day be happy again. I held on but constantly thought should I stay or should I go? The pain of just thinking of not having him in my life was unbearable. I dated others, tried to stay away, partied, worked like a maniac to try and figure out how I felt/ what I wanted...but always kept him at arm's length and stayed in constant contact. Recently, I went back again, this time I thought for good and for marriage. I am almost 30, he is 32...enough nonsense! We were together a month, had a wedding date (no ring) and were looking at buying a house together; all along he was also keeping in touch with another girl he had been dating. The beginning of the end started when he asked if I thought we could be happy together. I packed my stuff and haven't spoken to him since. Again, I'm devastated. I can't eat/sleep/work. Among the worst feelings/ issues I have is that this could have ended YEARS ago. Had I walked away then, I would have been onto better things without him, without wondering, without the confusion and anxiety. I would have healed by now. Instead, I held on and wasted more time only to suffer what was inevitable. I could have ended things on my terms, yet the universe intervened. If you don't have kids and are not married, you need to kick this habit! At this stage, it's a drug, a false sense of security that will drag on unless either you walk away, or something painful happens. I am you 5 years down the road...it never did get better. I wish you well.

[Daddy Bear]

has your bf done anything else to deserve being dumped besides going to India and believing (as you do) in long engagements?

[aporia14]

He and I were "on and off" for many reasons:

 

First, in high school he was immature. He would do silly things tease another girl who he knew liked him. He would basically cheat. I let it go after a while because I figured he was being a typical teenage boy.

 

Second, I let the relationship go in college because I felt as though he wasn't appreciating me enough and he was taking my loyalty for granted. He wanted more attention than I could give him at the time.

 

Third, I chose to take a job in NYC instead of moving to TO as I had promised. So, we decided to take some time-off of the relationship and re-evaluate our futures. He decided to start seeing someone new and also, wanted to continue seeing me. He broke-up with that older woman to be back with me. Then, 6months later his parents suggested he change careers and go to India to study. He asked my opinion, and I thought it was a fantastic idea. I envied him.

 

He has matured since the last experience. But, he is still a selfish lover. He also doesn't see the need in expressing his feelings all the time, which is something I enjoy. Also, sometimes I get the feeling that I am not as important as I should be.

[aporia14]

I just listed a bunch of things that warrants a break-up. But, I can list man more things he does do to deserve me staying with him.

 

First, He ALWAYS answers the phone when I call.

 

Second, he ACKNOWLEDGES the things he has done wrong in the past and tries to do things differently.

 

Third, he has gotten more PRO-Active. He recognizes when he's done something wrong (i.e.,snapped at me, respectfully explains his reasoning,...)

 

Fourth, He is more open about his feelings and thoughts.

 

Fifth, he increasingly tries to be forth-coming.

 

Six, He is consistant. What he says he does.

 

Seven, He is more sensitive to my feelings and thoughts and allows me to express it.

[Daddy Bear]

thanks for for your in-depth response to my question. i am now firmly on the fence regarding your situation, and for once in well over 400 posts i have no opinion one way or the other. with that in mind, let me say simply that i think you'll be fine, whichever way your heart takes you.