Trying to Understand a "Good Girl"

[LostInTranslation]

I met a girl a couple of weekends ago through our mutual friends. We hit it off quite well ... attraction, talking, flirting. So far, so good.

 

We live 40 minutes apart. She just turned 21 and is still in college. I am 29 and established in my life and career. She is a self-proclaimed "good girl" and I'm having trouble figuring her out. Sometimes I think she likes me and other times I feel as though she is pulling back.

 

After the weekend we met, we talked everyday on the phone ... sometimes hours at a time. We made plans for this past weekend and I went to visit her. Friday we met up at a party and she seemed to avoid me for a while. She saw me talking to another girl and teased me about it later. She asked me for a ride home but insisted that I wasn't spending the night with her ... but I had no intention of doing so to begin with. She ended up insisting I stay with her since it ended up storming that night and the roads were bad. We fell asleep on the couch, however I kept my distance. She then said for me to lay closer to her. We fell asleep.

 

The next day I left to visit my brother in the same town as her. We agreed to talk later. We ended up seeing each other again at a pool party. I had no idea she was going to be there however I felt she knew I was showing up through our mutual friends. We hung out all day at the pool and got along really well. I asked her if she wanted to get together later on in the night and she her response was confusing. She said that she is uncomfortable about being alone with me. She said she felt better when we were around others. I was a little confused about that but I decided to just let it go. She ended up inviting me over later that night ... and we were alone. We watched a movie and fell asleep again.

 

A little extra background on her may help this story ... she has stated to me that she is a "good girl" and guys end up not liking her because of it. She said she hasn't had a boyfriend in three years, guys only like her as a friend, and no one really wants to date her. She is very self-conscious about her weight and is very hard on herself about her appearance. When I ask her if she likes me or finds me attractive, she gets defensive and won't answer. My confusion continues to grow as to why she would be so scared to be alone with me and then invite me over just to end up being alone with me. I have been nothing but a gentleman and have genuinely shown a sincere interest in her as a person. I have told her that I like what I know of her and that I find her beautiful regardless of what she thinks of herself. Why would she be so shy and cautious if someone finally looks at her in a romantic sense rather than a friend? At times, I feel she is intimidated by me. Is our age gap a factor? Should I be patient or move on due to frustration?

[some-guy]

I My confusion continues to grow as to why she would be so scared to be alone with me and then invite me over just to end up being alone with me. I have been nothing but a gentleman and have genuinely shown a sincere interest in her as a person. I have told her that I like what I know of her and that I find her beautiful regardless of what she thinks of herself. Why would she be so shy and cautious if someone finally looks at her in a romantic sense rather than a friend? quote]

 

This is very similar too a situation I had with a 33 year old woman. She kept running away from me. She would say she was uncomfortable being alone with me and not want to talk to me anymore, then a couple of months later we spend a whole day together alone. She doesn't talk to me anymore now only for the reason that I like her, We still see each other around but ignore each other. I still haven't figured her out , but good luck with your situation.

[Dating Coach]

What a flake. I wouldn't waste another second with her personally. She contradicts herself at every turn. SHe says one thing and means something completely different basically at all times.

 

She tells you you aren't staying the night, but then invites you to stay the night. She ends up asking you to move closer (yes, she wanted sex-you blew it.)

Next she is complaining about how she doesn't feel comfortable around you alone, but then later invites you over alone. Yeesh. I'd run for the hills. This girl is nothing but trouble.

[btbt]

I wouldn't write her off just yet, esp. if you like her. Sounds like she likes you and wants to be a "good girl," but as is natural is curious and desiring of physical intimacy. True, she is jacking you around a little bit. She's got to get her act togehter, but it's doesn't sound like she is confused about liking you, but is confused about how to conduct the relationship. If you are willing to be patient with her, then I'd say stick with it (you do sound very reassuring and patient), but that's not the job for every man.

[Dating Coach]

Yeck! If this is what you want, go for it. My fiance' would have never put me through any of that BS, which is why I am happy to be with her. If guys want to waste time on flakes, then do so. Just realize that you are making the choice to take this road when there are plenty of women out there who won't be this wacked out.

[walkingwithaghost]

she just seems really confused. probably due to inexperience and insecurity. if you really like her and are really interested in her (as you say you are) obviously you should wait it out and she'll become more comfortable with you and act more normally.

[Dating Coach]

You can't change your past but that's no reason to be a flake to someone. No one deserves to have this confusing mess of a relationship, and I personally wouldn't take it, nor should anyone. Not because I don't believe that people sometimes have troubled pasts, but because most of the girls I knew always used a troubled past excuse and it was BS. They're ruining it for you few that truly had a troubled past. It's that guys are so damn gullible about the poor helpless girl and that Captain Save-a-girl tendencies override good judgement. This is why SO MANY guys get taken advantage of. I know girls do too, but that's usually done in a different manner.

[keenan]

When she says she's uncomfortable being alone with you, it may be code for "I really like you and am afraid that I'll let myself sleep with you, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that." That she's a self-proclaimed "good girl" is consistent with this--she has a way that she wants to see herself, and she's telling you that this image is important to her...maybe in part so that you'll help her protect it. But if she's really into you and not very experienced with guys, she may be afraid that she's just going to go crazy and wake up to regret it--hence the big deal about telling you that she's not going to sleep with you (even though you hadn't planned on it). It's a preoccupation, and it probably comes from insecurity and fear of being hurt, not general flakiness, IMO.

 

Go slow with her. Tell her that you like her and respect her. Don't put her on the spot and ask her how she feels--let her respond in her own time. You can't force things open sometimes. Let her do it.

[Shesa]

Be patient. Give her a chance. I actually told my currently boyfriend in the beginning that I wanted to bring a girlfriend with me to his house, because I didnt want to go alone. To this day he gives me such a hard time that I said this. (He was at the time really offended, because he felt he had acted like the "perfect gentleman). Well, I had so many bad experieces with nice guys turning bad-- I promised myself that I wouldn't put myself in that sometimes scarey other times just plain uncomfortable situation of miscommunication (the guy thinks I'm coming over to get physical and I just think it's a movie date).

 

The fact that she is overweight may be a factor. She may have been seduced before and left high and dry. (I have many overweight girlfriends that are booty-calls for guys that are too ashamed or too whatever to make them their girlfriends.... ).

 

Whatever her reason is for being contradictory should surface soon. It seems obvious that she likes you.

 

She is also 21 years old and may not have experience dating or having boyfriends.

 

Give her a chance!