He doesn't trust me with his emotions

[lipsavvy]

I've posted before about my depressed boyfriend, he seemed to be getting better but then we had a big fight and he told me he was pretending to be happy because I couldn't handle his depression. All I wanted was for him to be honest with me and upfront. He wouldn't talk to me. So almost being together for a year and a half, we've lived together for a year of that. I know when he's upset, depressed, sad and not all together. I know his signs, yet he pretends to be happy. So I brought it up to him. He got mad and said that he couldn't handle my reactions. Basically I create drama, so he walks on egg shells around me so that I don't freak out. I freak out when he doesn't talk to me. It's like he doesn't get it. He doesn't think I sympathise enough with him, I make it about me. I take his situation, think about something related that I've dealt with in the past, and tell him how I handled it. This to him is making it about me. I'm trying to help by giving him an example. I think my point is, if he doesn't trust me with is emotions enough to be honest with me and talk to me, what am I doing in this relationship? I love him, know he loves me, but he won't talk to me unless its something like current events or deep philosophy.

 

Thing is, he got mad at his last boyfriend for not being honest with him. His ex would just run away or shut up. He wouldn't even talk. Why do I feel like he is doing this to me now? He says he doesn't want to say anything until it makes sense to him, but he still doesn't talk to me. I don't want to be the boyfriend that just hangs and is there for sex. God, I'm insanely frustrated. Now I find out he is getting psychiatric help, which I told him to do months ago. He didn't want to tell me because he didn't want me to know he was being contrary. I would LOVE it if he goes. I even want to go to one myself, but then he tells me not to cuz its not worth it. He's going isn't he?

 

This is a bit jumbled, but I'm confused, what should I do before I totally break it off and lose my most fruitfull relationship(thus far before this point).

[RayKay]

Hey lipsavvy,

 

It can be very hard to know how to communicate with someone whom is uncommunicative in this way. Some people DO need to sort things out, or tend to internalize things and don't like to vocalize their problems. It's not healthy, but it is common!

 

Honestly, I think next time you see he is depressed/down, you need to not pressure him into talking. How about taking the following approach:

 

Give him a well meant hug, and say something along the lines of, "I can tell something is bothering you right now, and I want you to know that if you wanted to talk about it I am here to LISTEN". Then DROP it! If he does not come to you, don't pressure it out of him or bring it up again. If he DOES come to you listen with both ears, do NOT give advice unless he asks for it. Sometimes people just want to vent and want to feel like they can "fix" their own issues. I know you mean well, but sometimes it makes people feel criticized in the way that "well, if I was you I would do this..so why didn't you" - if that makes sense? If he comes to you, ask him if he has any ideas on what HE would like to do about it for example. But most of all listen, listen, listen.

 

Make your arms and your ears a safe place for him to come, to just vent and talk. And this can take some time.

 

I don't think he is just with you to hang out and for sex, he has been with you a good amount of time after all! It is clear he wants to make you happy, as you do him. I think you just have different communicative styles, and conflict resolution types - you are someone whom wants to talk issues out. He is someone whom wants to think them internally, put them to rest and move on. That does not make you incompatible, just means you both have to kinda adjust how you approach the other in times like this!

 

I am not sure if he is seeing someone or not, but it certainly can't hurt if you wanted to go yourself, or even see a counsellor together to discuss some of these communication tools.

 

Good luck!