stilted, uncomfortable, and forced

[monsieur]

That pretty much sums up most conversations I am in on a date, it's no wonder that I don't have success with any girl I really want. Is there ever hope for those of us that are just nervous, anxious, and bad conversationalists? I've been like this for decades, and it actually seems to be getting worse not better as I get more defeated and withdrawn. Any rejection at all just about drives me right under for a long long time.

 

A girl could be totally attracted and crazy about me at first sight and even after a short talk sometimes, but once we date once or twice it is rapidly downhill from there. Friendzone is the best I can achieve with a girl I really want.

 

My long term relationships in the past were with girls that came on to me hard and I just went with the flow, but anytime I have really wanted and been attracted to a girl, it is always failure.

 

I'm starting to believe some of us were just meant to be unhappy and unfulfilled in life.

[Dako]

If you just assume she's not going to like you, are you more comfortable?

I tend to have no expectations in social settings, and just try to have fun.

Whenever someone likes me, I'm surprised.

[monsieur]

I know what you are saying, it does cut down on the nerves part of it.

 

But realistically, I'm just not that flamboyant and engaging conversationalist, in small groups I tend to shrink into the background, one on one I get blank very often and silence ensues. It is unfortunate, because I see that talking is the most important skill necessary to get a fulfilling relationship started, and those that are completely confident, comfortable, and funny are waaayyy ahead.

 

At my very best I am completely inept on the humor ability, I don't think I can ever get a date to laugh if I even tried.

[Dako]

Books, trivia, politics, religion, dirty jokes, food, mutual friends, nature news, history, the arts and sushi don't interest you?

Dang! Got any hobbies?

If you strike out, you could always do the unthinkable and ask her about herself. She might have something going on....

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm shy and jammed up, but fake it when I have to.

[itsallgrand]

those that are completely confident, comfortable, and funny are waaayyy ahead.

 

 

There's your answer right there. Work on viewing yourself that way: confident, comfortable, funny. It doesn't matter if you actually ARE that way all the time, or always feel it, just keep thinking of yourself that way.

 

good luck

[Cyberchick]

Have you considered taking a public speaking course, like Toastmasters? It could give you a confidence boost. Also, seeing a therapist would help you with self esteem problems. Often, shyness comes out of low self esteem.

 

You know something else that could help? Being honest with the girl about being shy. Saying something like " You know, I'm kinda shy around new people. I like you alot but it's hard sometimes for me to make conversation, so please don't take it personally if I'm a little quiet. " Something along those lines. I think girls respect honesty in a guy, and it won't leave her thinking that you were quiet because you didn't like her or weren't interested. It could even be an ice breaker and give you something to talk about. I once met this guy who had a stutter and a little while into conversation he kind of addressed the issue of the stutter and why he does it and it made me feel quite comfortable.

 

Good luck!

[monsieur]

actually, I always thought that low self esteem comes out of shyness

 

 

anyway, thanks for the points, I am not too sure about the honesty part, I guess it is not a bad idea to admit to shyness, but I have found that being too honest about our insecurities is not a good idea in an early stage of a relationship, no matter how understanding everyone is..... spelling out our faults and weaknesses to a potential partner, while it sounds admirable, seems to turn people off

[Dako]

I have a stutter that embarrasses me when I'm nervous, I'm shy and have lousy self esteem.I'm confident enough to figure it's me, and if someone can't handle it, tough!

[AwdreeHpburn]

One way to help get you over mild social anxiety or shyness is to constantly force yourself outside your comfort zone.

 

Don't beat yourself up about it either. Being introverted in not a deficency or flaw. Its a personality type.

 

Also improv classes are great for teaching people how to think on their feet and get comfortable in groups.

 

Its a super common thing, especially among introverts. But there are ways to become "better" socially.

[monsieur]

yeah, it doesn't help when you read someone's story of a date they had, where they say, "it didn't go very well, there was no chemistry, the conversation was stilted, uncomfortable, and forced"....

[doyathink]

Believe it or not, some women prefer the quiet, shy type. I do...my husband was the quiet-shy guy in the crowd, that's what attracted me to him in the first place. When there is chemistry, you will find all kinds of things to talk about. Women like to talk about themselves so ask her a question and let her go.......