Pride and Healing

[itsallgrand]

Sort of long post, but i'm ready to get some of this out.

I know I am a proud woman. It has caused problems for me. Like right now.

 

I knew my ex for 5 yrs. We have been through a lot with each other. I feel like I know him as a person and he knows me. We had been exclusive for a few years. I never knew the exact date: because we had been friends the entire time. We were friends while we were with other people. As far as I've known, he'd been truthful. We slept together and dated and even lived as roomates for a time. Our policy had always been honesty. It worked. We fell in love and gave it a good chance.

 

He travels for work for chunks of time. There were times it was hard. I missed him fiercely, yet it seemed reciprical. We dealt with it. His actions told me he wanted to be with me and I trusted him. Certain circumstances in my life in the last 6 months had brought me down big time. In all honesty; I was a mess and no fun to be with. He stuck it through well. Yes, I know he put up with a lot of * * * * lately.

 

It finally came to a head. We were experimenting with the thought of moving in together and making a home. I screwed up and didn't show up. In one month of 'trial'; I was there for two nights. I started pulling my old stunts of not calling or leaving right away in the morning. It was horrible, and must have made him feel like * * * *. I was miserable and :

Here's the pride,

Didn't want him to see me like that.

So I bailed.

 

He cared enough or was worried or pissed off enough that he confronted me. I never did apologize properly, but he said he was going to tough it through with me. I told him that was what I wanted. I didn't want him to have to deal with my all my issues, but I put him in an even * * * *tier position with that move. I mean, I didn't even make the effort to do something grand for him to thank him or make it up to him. I was very self involved. But I love him. And I guess I sort of took for granted that he would be there waiting for me, to support me. Because he had seen it all before; and worse.

 

To explain a little better, I was being treated for PTSD. It really wasn't going so well, and my life was pretty much in the gutter. I was just scraping by and he was one of the huge rays of sunshine in my life.

 

We were together for a few months in strained conditions. We saw each other not so often, but stayed in constant contact and I started really trying to show him how much I appreciate him. Some of the feelings he had been holding back for my sake started surfacing, and it was intense. I didn't know how to deal with it all: he needed my support and I felt weak. I did what I could but I could tell it wasn't enough.

 

It came time for him to be leaving for a month for work, and I asked for a break of no-contact. I felt like I needed it to just work on me and not worry about anyone else. He seemed not impressed, but he agreed. I told him how much I loved him and how I still wanted it to work, and that the break was not from being exclusive to each other. He agreed.

 

I can see how stupid that was now, and how selfish and insensitive. I was a real biotch and I couldn't even see it.

 

Yet at the time, I just went about my business and during that month he wsa gone there wsa no contact,like we agreed. I had this horrible feeling in my stomach midway. That's when I saw on my messenger his name displaying how *samantha*makes him feel wonderful...there was more to it than that; he was opening displaying his affection for another woman where i could see.

 

I was furious. When he came home, he called me,and tried to act all normal, and I asked him all those things. He was seeing another woman and had feelings for her.Supposedly he didn't sleep with her , which almost hurts worse, because he explained 'i haven't slept with her, and it's great, different than i have ever experienced with anyone before, a whole new side of me, etc.'

 

He gutted me right there. He was so emotionless towards me. I wanted to cry, but I didnt because of my pride. I only said how much it hurt me. He had nothing to say. he didn't even seem to feel badly about it. I told him it was over. I said things like 'i'm glad to know this now. You're a cheater and coward, and why would i even want to be with you? I don't. Let her have you.' He said, yes, you're right. I started spewing off his flaws in the form of cutting jokes. He started telling me mine. There wasn't even passion in his voice. It was matter of fact. The weird thing is; by this point I was feeling matter of fact too. He told me I am stubborn and need such-and-such type of guy. I said he needed such-and-such from a girl. By then I just out and told him i knew one day I forgive him and could be his friend, but not for a while. He said okay but on recollection, you know, that son of a * * * * * didn't say anything about being my friend. He said he wanted to be and then went on to talk about how other women before didn't want anything to do with him and all this other garbage that gave me the idea he didn't give a * * * * either way. He also said something about always having respect for my dignity, except how he gave up on me because i took it too far with my stubborness.

 

* * * * this is getting long! I don't know what the * * * * right now. Outside perspective is badly needed.

I really don't have any idea how hes feeling or what because i tuned him out and cut all contact after that.

 

I love the sonofa * * * * * but i know him too well to pretend like this isn't a big clue. He wasn't happy or he couldn't do it anymore or we aren't working.

 

I haven't been able to get closure bc i have so angry and proud, simply distracting myself and not even allowing myself to think about him or the situation.

 

thanks for reading and anything you may have to say

[Daddy Bear]

whoa, that's a * * * *load of red asterisks, lol. i really sympathize with your pain and anger.

 

(deep breath) ok, i'm not gonna sugarcoat this b/c you laid it all bare so you deserve complete honesty.

 

it's just constructive criticism, ok? and just my opinion.

 

so please... don't... be... offended.

 

you used the words "proud" and "pride" a lot, but half of what i read sounded more like defensiveness. the second time i read through your post, i tried to put myself in his shoes and i think i would've felt really mindfked. that may be why he pulled the *samantha* stunt on you, although i'm not excusing that abuse either.

 

unfortunately i see nothing left there but ashes now. it takes two to tango and it wasn't all your fault but since you seem to understand where you went wrong at your end, my advice to you is to think of the lessons you learned as gifts and use them in your next gig. you sound like a strong person; you'll do fine without him.

 

are we cool?

[itsallgrand]

Hell yeah, we're cool. Thank you so much for replying.

 

So...perhaps more therapy for me?

 

I'm thinking that might be what has to happen. Reading my own words: I am starting to scare myself. I sound a little bit crazy.

 

Is it possible that he could ever recover from this and we could be friends? Ahk, I guess I'll figure that out when the time comes. I only ask bc it is starting to dawn on me how badly I've treated him.

As odd as this sounds, I almost feel like I should be doing something nice for him!

 

Already I feel like, in my heart, this is almost a blessing, or ending now.

 

Should I simply leave it...as it stands?

[itsallgrand]

Well, it's been a weird night. I posted that, and then, I phoned him.

 

Ok, first I cried and rehearsed what the hell i would say. I guess I had to know the truth.

 

As soon as I had said hello and asked if we could talk for a few minutes, he burst with talking.

I had to know if he did the 'samantha' thing as an act of maliciousness or if bc of the 'break' and all the things i had run him through, he had given up and just moved on without me.

 

This relationship is sooo dead. We should have buried this corpse a long time ago.

 

Yeah, he actually apologized to me. First he asked and then listened to my account of 'samantha'.

 

Somehow i am convinced that he didn't know how much i was holding on to the idea of the two of us being together. When he told me his side, it was logical and i believed him.

 

Still, I basically said to his apology 'thanks. that means a lot. I had already decided to forgive you. That's why I called. To square things up and so both of us can walk away without resentment or hard feelings. And if you truly like this person you are seeing, you owe it to yourself to walk into it fresh. I got worried that you were entering something from running away: and you deserve more than that'

To which he was all shocked and blubbery 'thank you. you don't know how much that means to me. After all this....and you're still caring about my wellbeing...and...'

I said, well yes, like i said i decided to forgive you.

Him "so, can we be friends?"

Me "I don't think that would be good for either of us right now"

Him "okay."

Me"So, Have a wonderful night. Good bye"

Him "Just one more thing...if i can..."

Me "Sure. What is it?"

Him "I just want you to know if you ever need anything, ever, anything at all, support, I always have cared for you and I always will, so just call, I'll be here"

Me "Ok. Thank you. "

"ok"

bye

bye

 

I'm feeling ..........Not Angry!!! Yeaaaaa!!

 

yuppers. I must move on. I think I needed to do that.

It was profoundly sad, but like going to a funeral ...y'know, where the wracking sobs have not begun yet and you're just walking away and it starts to ....

that it's dead.

 

Now I can begin to mourn, and move on.

 

thanks

[Süsser Tod]

Hope at least you learn from your mistakes and how you lost him. I can't even believe he stood up with all that cra... for so long.

 

And thanks, you seem to be a lot like my current GF, 4 years younger than you, so I'll keep this in mind.

[itsallgrand]

Errr...thanks?

[Daddy Bear]

wow, talk about not sugarcoating it! i'm sure tod meant that in a nice way. well, pretty sure.

 

anywho, i was really glad to read your follow-up story. you walked away with your pride intact and w/o being defensive. pat your damn self on the back. wicked awesome job!!

[itsallgrand]

phew thank you! I'm feeling okay today. Emotional: but it felt like the right thing to do.

for once.

 

yes, i'm thinking maybe my bad behavior hit a little close to home for tod. It was actually good to hear that - my ex would never say such a thing to me. Very, very rare. Needed to hear it, and I hope it sheds some light so that susser tod can find some resolution with his own gf.

Keep in mind to that I have been dealing with mental illness. Yeah, i've been a jerk...but only since i've been not well.

 

anyways, thanks for all the help.

 

I do realise i have a lot to work through, including the anger and *i can be mean*

[Daddy Bear]

everyone is mentally ill. some just hide it better than others.

[itsallgrand]

I like that.

 

I'm starting to realize that..slowly. For instance today. I appreciate your kindness.