Had a bad weekend...

[FoxLocke]

Since coming out(well, being abruptly outed)my life has been a series of good days and bad ones.

 

This weekend both days were consecutively bad. Sometimes I don't know what to do, and I cry myself to sleep.

I knew that when I told my mom that it would be hard. I thought I was prepared for rejection and ridicule, but it still hurts really bad.

My mom, even though she accepts me, is still having a hard time and sometimes I see her mope around and it makes me depressed. All of my life all I ever wanted to do was make my family happy and proud of me. I guess that is why I ended up denying myself so much. Now it depresses me to see my mom depressed.

Anyway, we had another discussion yesterday...We talk about it alot which is good. Suddenly, my eldest brother shows up and it was really awkward. Then he starts talking to me about the bible and etc...Which really made me mad so I started refuting everything he said. Then he accused me of trying to "rationalize god" and etc...Whatever the hell that means.

To make a long story short my oldest brother still accepts me but it is a tepid acceptance...

Today I left home around 10 am and returned at 5:30 pm...I knew that the entire family was coming over and it was meant to be an ambush. So I saw a couple of movies and hung out around my city. I just needed to be alone. Anyway, I returned and mostly everyone was gone, except my 2nd oldest brother...

He is worse than the first. All of my life all he has ever done was ridicule me and make me feel worse than I did before. Today was no exception.

He tried to relate his experience to having a gay friend in college to me actually being gay. He accused me of just trying to find somewhere to fit in and etc, etc...Then he starts talking about the Bible and how we are all to be held accountable for sin and blah, blah, blah...

And the moment I tried to tell him about how I have struggled my entire life trying to be faithful he stands up, as if he is above someone, and says, "I love you..." and shook my hand. I believe his righteous indignation was thrust upon me the moment I said, "I can't lead my life by what the bible says...I have to be myself or be an incomplete person."

After that I decided that I don't want him in my life. My brother is a very angry, spiteful, and vindictive person.

Right now it just seems like everything is a series of dissappointments. I keep telling myself when I go through this I will be a better person. I still believe that God has a plan for me and my existence is not a mistake nor a cruel joke.

But my family is ignorant...They seem to believe that being gay is all about sex and lust. It isn't about that for me. I want to fall in love like everyone else, real love...Not something contrived just to keep up an image.

I'm trying to deal with the ignorance, but it is so hard to be young and gay in this kind of environment. Sometimes I would just like to get all of my savings, pack my clothes, and just leave everything behind me.

But that kind of thing only works in the movies.

I only have a year of school left then I know I can leave and stay away. But I feel so alone right now.

[Imaginary]

Wow. There really is nothing I can say, except be strong and keep yourself together, which is kinda generic.

 

But I think you are doing well. I can understand you feeling depressed about your mother, but maybe someday she will finally put everything together and then you both can be happy. That's something to look forward to.

 

Your brother sounds pretty confused, but I think he's reaction is possitive. He might have a conflict with his beliefs, but I bet he will come around eventually.

 

If you want to cut your brother, it may be for the better, but family is hard to cut, remember that.

 

Overall, just want you to remember that someday everything will come together, hopefully.

[Jinx]

I only have a year of school left then I know I can leave and stay away. But I feel so alone right now.

Even easier if you view it in semester format. I always have at any rate, two or three semesters always sounded more pleasant than a year or so.

 

As for her depression has she pinpointed why? I realize it does conflict with her beliefs yet there may be more which she is concerned of. While the ignorance and unsupportive family members may be root cause she may also have family and life concerns which you may need to discuss with her.

 

For my own mother despite being the opposite in the sense of how to take it, she in our conversations now I find is extremely and repetitively concerned about my well being and what if's. She fears she will not have grandchildren from me in any form, she is afraid I will be alone, she is afraid I will never marry (er, this she may need to worry about I'm not the marrying kind), then she always is concerned about my safety and that while she realizes and notes my intelligence and common sense she fears that some temptation will drive me towards a bad choice and thus sending me into a life where I'm condemned to co-exist with AIDs or what not. I don't know since opening up how many times we've covered some of these topics some more than others but reassuring and speaking of progress in life and love tends to do a lot.

 

Have you tried talking to your mother about relationships? Maybe just for a day, while it may seem like a step back, when she is in an open talking negotiating mood maybe tell her your dreams and aspirations. Just open yourself up in a rational way. Tell her who you want to be as a professional, who you want to be as the boyfriend and maybe one day husband, and who you want to be as a future father. If you allow the conversation to always come back to "Do you love me do you accept me" you make yourself taboo. More "human" you act more you will be accepted, at least for me. Its hard to take a wary person and speak on such things, it usually makes them more approachable there after.

 

In this conversation allow her to have input too, ask her open ended questions on what she thinks but thought provoking enough that she will refuse to say "I don't know..." and its many variations. That way it won't seem forced onto her and she too can open up. It would also be nice if the cord to the phone was magically unplugged and the door bell dead and no relatives for the next 50 miles to interrupt but only so much can be done. Find quiet time and approach. I don't think in that you'd even bother to push the gay issue except to say "boyfriend, husband" and way which future children may come about. Less might be more, which then works its way up for more comfort.

 

I don't know if that kind of thing would work with your mother but I think you both need a vacation from the relatives, they seem to be the root of all evil right about now.

 

Far as sins go, have you ever asked him to compile a sin list and see how you two compare? Unless homosexuality goes for +5 instead of +1 I think you're better off by the sounds of it. Just by listening what you've said, if you two had one of the complete lists of sins (which are out there, matter of finding it) from mild to major he'd be the red, extremely so.

[FoxLocke]

This is, basically, what it is. All she relates being gay with is the horror stories that she has seen and heard...She told me this today.

She remembers the AIDS epidemic of the 1980's and she relates that solely to gay men. In her mind all a gay life consists of is: anal sex, lust, more deviant sex, and being a transsexual(which isn't bad, that is just not what being gay is). I've tried to reinforce everything to her, positively. I've given her reading material, tried to be as open as I can be, and everything...But it seems like everything is getting progressively worse.

 

Perhaps, I should take your advice and be more "human" as opposed to being "The gay" son...

All she seems to believe is that being gay leads to misery, and her belief is constantly reinforced by the Bible and our environment, and, sadly, my state of sadness at this particular moment in time...

In actuality she is the reason I am depressed. Seeing her mope around on a daily basis, and knowing it was my fault, makes me grief stricken.

 

Then she knows my brothers and I do not get along...Which magnifies it.

 

Now, she wants me to see a therapist and maybe get prescribed some medication or something. She is also becoming bitter and vindictive about everything. I guess she is going through the "five stages of death" and now she is in the anger period.

 

I don't know how much more of this I can take...I am trying to bear it but right now it is too much. I don't know what in the hell to do sometimes, because I have no one to turn to.

 

I decided to goto the psychologist moreless because I need someone to talk to. But I have a bigger fear that my mother is cracking up and I did it to her.

 

But Jinx, overall, you are right. There are alot more issues besides the gay thing. It is just the figurehead of the moment.

[Daddy Bear]

Then he starts talking about the Bible and how we are all to be held accountable for sin and blah, blah, blah...

yuck. there are very few things more detestable to me than bible-thumpers trying to justify their prejudices. it just seems so... unchristian.

 

ever notice how when these coneheads attack gays they always quote Paul's letters or Leviticus... but never Jesus? hmm, i wonder why that is...

[jamesy1234]

you sound a pretty smart person, and from what I read you care for people, and you care for your mother and how she feels. You seem very sensitive and caring, and am sure your mother knows this. She knows her son, but she is very, very confused and is probably wondering if she is to blame.

 

I understand fully all churchie stuff, you know the best thing you can do ?

 

Show them you dont care, and dont change your attitude, cause this is life and you need to live it for you. If they are true in their beliefs they will love and accept you no matter what. If they want to try and change you they should do so my loving you and showing you the right attitude. Love accepts and puts up with a lot !!!! Maybe they need to love you as a brother no matter what, rather than point fingers !!!

 

Just get on with mate !!!! Love them and show them it does not matter what they think , it will really confuse them.

 

And remember your mother loves you, no matter what !!! Dont beat yourselve up !!! It is not ur fault, it is just life .

 

Cheers !!! Chill !!!

[FoxLocke]

Jamesy, that was exactly what I needed to read today. =0)

 

Thank you all so much!

 

I realize that I am a stronger and braver person than I gave myself credit for.

 

My mom and I continue to talk. Admittedly, I need to be a bit more patient with her. Sometimes she is sad and it makes me frustrated because it's like, "Momma, look! I'm still here! I didn't die!" But I know that all parents want what is best for their children and my mom and I have been close from the get...

 

What I want her to know is that it isn't her fault and that it isn't a curse on my life. This was the hand that life dealt me and I choose to love who I am.

I have no desire to have promiscous risky sex because that is not me, and that is not what makes me happy. I want the long walks on the beach, the slow and gentle kisses, and the happily ever after that I always dreamt of. It is just that the picture changed, and it is the REAL picture for me.

 

Perhaps, this is teaching me to not wear my heart on my sleeve. I am going to have to learn how to stop caring. That is one of my flaws...caring too much for others. But this is changing.

 

I believe this is a growth period for me and when it is over I will be better because it happened.

[KIDD]

I like to add that you be strong, no matter what Foxlocke! There will be rough periods in our lives. I'm having one right now. Basically just have a cool head about everything. The problem with homosexuality is that it's so COMPLICATED seriously on so many levels. You have people againist it & you have people who support you. Unfortunately you'll have people in your family against it but why get upset? I mean their the ones with the problem, not you! Prove to them that you're the same guy & when you see your family members, Just shrug it off & act like it's no big deal.

 

As for your mom, please understand that this is something your mother is going through & it's going to take serious getting used to. Sounds like your mother is having just as much of a hard time you are. I have to say both of you stick together & look out for one another. Tell your mom that your the same guy you was before you came out to her! It's a rough period trust me! I came out to my mother I think it's going on 7 years now & we STILL really have some issues to work out. I'll say this, that things will get better!

 

Also you sound very stressed out. If your not already, why not try excercising & just take some time to yourself in a quiet room to pray,meditate or do whatever you have to to clear your head. Drinking lots of water seems to help me feel better when under pressure & stress.

 

Hope I helped as always... THAKID!

[Prufrock06]

Sorry to hear things looked down this weekend. Its easier to deal with when you think about an experience like this as happening in waves: sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down. So it sounds like this past weekend was a downswell for you -- in which case you can look forward to things peaking back up again. It's not going to happen overnight, certainly -- I'm still working with my mother on some issues as well. But it is going to get easier over time.

 

I found your description of your mom going through the "five stages of grief" to be a really interesting point. I never thought about it that way and it certainly does make sense and explains the tangled emotions that can be involved from family members when a child comes out to them. Again, if you look at the situation in the context of how you describe it, you'll know that "acceptance" is one of the five stages as well -- so again, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Your rapport with your mother seems like a strong one and this is certainly testing it -- but I doubt your relationship will suffer in the long run as a result. Probably, it will only get stronger.

 

And as far as the fundamentalist religious attitudes towards your sexuality and the attempts to convert you or change you or get you on medication: I echo jamesy's statement whole-heartedly! You're on your own intimate, spiritual, personal journey towards finding yourself and your place in this mess of a world -- don't let them take that away from you at all!

[FoxLocke]

I think I have to learn--and I am learning--that not everyone is going to accept my sexuality as valid. I can talk till I'm blue in the face about dealing with it my whole life but some people will just see it as a spur of the moment choice.

 

So I am realizing that I need to just work on myself and just love who I am. It hurts when your family doesn't accept you...But in the end there is nothing you can really do about it. And that is a lesson this experience has taught me.

 

Thanks guys.

[KIDD]

Also Foxlocke, you can't please everyone in the world! Not everyone is going to like you or think the way you do. What I am getting at is just be you & love yourself & that's all that should really matter. FOCUS on the people that will love you for you!