he's not ready for me?

[crushed2285]

We really did lose ourselves in eachother, and everyday I try so hard to get out there and put my own life back together. I just always feel at the end of the day no matter how much Ive done, I still lost something very important that I want in my life.

 

this is EXACTLY the same for me. you are not alone. no matter what i have accomplished that day, it all pales in comparision to the big picture that i don't have the one i love

[Big Jim]

Yes my ex constantly gave me hope. It was ridiculous, all i ever heard was we are meant to be, i love you, i just need time to figure myself out. I was given hope all the time, its sucks. In fact i tried to walk away a couple of times, but each time she increased her efforts, telling me more, being closer, writng me letters expressing how badly she wants this to work, and please not to walk away. I often said "maybe we shouldnt be so close, cause i will never get over you, and neither will you" and i got "maybe we dont need to get over eachother, lets take it day by day." That is the most dangerous statement ever, cause it totally takes all pressure for chagne off of them. I do believe she legitimately cares about me, and loves me, but knows we cannot work right now. However it is unfair for her to want to be single and me to wait. So im not anymore. Feel free to ask more questions, trust me, the situataions appear to be as close to eachother as possible.,..

[Big Jim]

also dont blame yourself for losing yourself in eachother. Everyone does that when they are in love. Yes it is important to keep independance and be your own person, but were you not happy at the time when you were lost in each other? I am a very independent person and very busy, but looking back i loved the days of countless phone calls, and dying to see eachother every spare minute (ie skipping school etc). I love teh feeling of being that into someone, that they consume my thoughts. Its all perspective, since i still had other interests, i loved being like that. She did too when all was great, however once things got bad, she looked at it negitively and thought "we spend too much time". Funny a couple months before that she was calling in sick at work to spend the night with me! Dont let someones negitive perception of something influence you, you did what you did cause it felt right at the moment and they did too, neither of you can blame eachother for that! It happened , but that was nothing that cant be changed with work and effort from both parties. Dont let your ex blame you for something you both willingly did, each person is responsible for speaking up and saying what they want

[crushed2285]

She did too when all was great, however once things got bad, she looked at it negitively and thought "we spend too much time".

 

this happened to us too. at first it was all "baby i'm so glad i can bring you everywhere with me, everyone loves you" to "i need my space, we practically live together and i don't like it. we spend too much time together." which, yeah was true, i DIDN'T have other interests or a life outside of him. this is embarrassing to even admit, but one time he was going to hang out with his guy friends without me (which he hardly ever did cuz i was friends with them too) for just a few hours and then come home and go to bed with me and i cried. i felt left out. i can't believe i did that now. i just screwed everything up and i dont know if we could ever be again. i don't think he will give me the chance. he loves me, but i dont think he will let himself go back with me. he said that he can't let go of how bad things got. how i reacted to the breakup, the months of yelling and crying. this sucks. i kinda feel like i really wanna die right now

 

 

and all i wanna do is text him right now and say something, anything. anything to keep his mind on me. i miss him sooo much.

[Big Jim]

Hey slow down

you didnt screw things up. Yeah you were a bit clingly and needy sometimes, but i am sure he did stuff that would be considered negitve too. Do not blame yourself for everything. THe fact you can accept that you were too clingly is great, but dont base the break up on that. It takes two people to make it work. My best friends' girlfriend does the exact same thing, crys and all, yet me friend is very laid back and takes it as it comes. He just puts his foot down when she is being over dramatic and says "i love you , but com'on meet me halfway here". It was up to your ex to stand up for himself if your behavior was that bad. In my relationship, i was a jealous freak sometimes, but i realized this, and toned it down, and do not feel gulity about it at all. My girl was moody and i spoiled her, and sometimes she did not like it if things didnt go her way...too bad, thats life. I loved her completely and even though it pissed me off to no end, i realized that is who she is sometimes. DO NOT blame yourself, he was not perfect, imagine you had dumped him, do you not think he would be thinking, "man i wish i didnt do that so often, or i should have done this". Hindsight is 20/20.

I know how you feel your life is so bad without him, but give it a couple weeks and you will realize otherwise. You will still love him and miss him, but it wont be the intense sick feeling you have right now. That is simply called panic... I promise you you will be fine

keep posting and venting. There is always someone who will listen

[lvlyldy]

I did the same thing as well... when my ex actually made an effort to go out, Id end up calling him or asking him to come home early. But Big Jim is right, it takes two to make things work. My ex admitted that he doesnt have a spine, and that he should have stood up to me. I wanted him to be happy, and I wanted him to spend time with his friends but after being so close for so long I took it as a sign of him losing interest in me and freaked out. Had he put his foot down and helped me deal with it rather than just letting me get my way, things may be different.

 

My ex and I have talked about all these things... we're both aware that partly it was a lot of bad things out of control happening (his grades, me getting sick for 6 mo straight), and our own inability to deal with our problems. What I dont understand is he realizes all these things, things which can be fixed. Im not sick anymore, hes catching up with his schoolwork, etc. , and in 4 weeks we'll be going home for the summer. Next year we wont be living anywhere near eachother and we wont have the smae classes, a lot of the things that used to throw us together will be out of the picture. Why does he still insist it cant work? What could possibly be holding him back? After this breakup Im very aware of what was really wrong and I know that I can change, and he can too. Why wont he let it work then?

[Confusion1974]

hey Ivlyldy,

 

i know the feeling soooo well...but remember..if its meant to happen it will happen...just be yourself and think work out in whatever way...

[trident]

I am going to stay in his life because I know you all say no contact but I am not throwing this guy out of my life. I can't he means way too much to me. I guess I am just looking for an assessment of the situtation or any advice yall have??

 

I just re-read your post and I feel like I'm in pretty much the same situation. Found a girl and fell in love. She stopped the relationship becuase it was not the right time for her. Is there hope? Is it really over? Can the relationship restore itself?

 

Those are all questions I've asked and I'm sure other people have also asked themselves. There really isn't an easy answer. One thing that I feel strongly about, it that if you really care about the person, then you need to respect and try to understand their decision. If they need space, you need to give it to them. It's a cliche, but sometimes if you truly love something, you need to have the strength to let it go and hope that it will return.

 

In such a situation, however, I don't feel that full NC is the way to go. Essentially, I think the situation calls for a form of limited contact. You can't pressure the person. You can't continue with full blown conversations. You can't pretend as if there are no feelings between the two of you. You can however, continue to let the person know that you are around and that you're thinking of them. Give them the environment in which, should they choose, they can return.

 

That's the last point. You need to accept that there is the possibility that they may never choose to return. This doesn't mean that you need to look for someone new with abandon. In fact I'd argue that if feelings are strong that "right thing, wrong time" can transition to "right thing, right time" at some point, then you should put some effort and time in allowing that to happen. However, if a new possibility crosses your path when you're waiting, you should be willing to explore it.

 

Not much help. Sorry. Like I said, I'm in a similar situation where something that should be has hit the breaks. No one can give me an answer in the same way no one can give you an answer. You can only do what you think is right.

[lvlyldy]

hey,

 

I just wanted to know how things were going for you. I know our situations were all so similiar, so I thought Id ask. Hopefully things are better now for you, Im still waiting it out

[crushed2285]

he is back....we are working on things and i'm just taking it as it comes....things are great right now

 

 

hope all is well with ya'll!

[lvlyldy]

YAY!!!!!

 

Im so happy for you. What happened? EXPLAIN

[NubianLove]

he is back....we are working on things and i'm just taking it as it comes....things are great right now

 

 

hope all is well with ya'll!

 

Now is the time when u actually do need the board more than ever. Its easier to get back tigether, harder to really keep it going since ur treading on eggshells.

[crushed2285]

double post

[crushed2285]

yeah...soo...8/9 months later...eggshells is right. i was put through 9 months of straight hell of being led on and being told i was loved and that when he moved back for school everything would just be great. spent the night at my new place and left his stuff there (uhh and its still in the same spot lol). came back two weeks later and has a girlfriend that goes to a different college, i had to beat it outta him too; i'm not sure how long he would've waited to tell me had i not confronted him at poker night (at their new house). told me not to ask questions...i know who she is, i actually spent the night at her place when we went to visit one of his friends there. apparently they have some sort of 'open relationship', which is way more 'open' on his end lol, i've heard he's already slept with a couple ppl that go to our school while he's been dating her. i've seen him around in passing almost every single weekend lately whereas before he was always out of town at her school. i'm not sure if they're not dating anymore or what, and i'm not about to ask! hah

 

 

that was in the middle of september and i can say although i'm not COMPLETELY healed by any means after that long pointless crazy mess, i sure as hell feel a lot better now that i don't talk to him. i see him occasionally with mutual friends and we are friendly, he has been flirty on occasion, but thats his personality anyways. it sometimes sets me back and i sometimes find myself analyzing our stupid small talk but i usually just end u saying 'oh fyck it' nowadays. too many headaches and going round in circles!! although this week it seems like i have seen him every day...too much! i still secretly harbor a teeeeny tiny hope that me and him could still be one day (i'm not gonna lie, the way he looks at me even from accross the room still gives me chills), but it's not harming my daily life anymore i can remember the words fun and laugh a little better these days/

 

lvlyldy if you're still around here i would love to talk to you about how ur situation has gone, i've been lurking lately and not posting

[fleur-de-lis]

Hey crushed,

I'm left without words.... he doesn't deserve you one bit... I am new here on ena and I have just read your thread. I have been in a very similar situation a year before... but we've got back together, and I have just broke up with him on saturday, because of his lying. Some things never change...

[crushed2285]

yeah i agree, it will never change...people that will lead you on or lie (or in my case both!) for their own benefit are just selfish and only care about themselves. i think i always knew deep down it would end up this way, but the combo of hope, love, grief, and insecurity is deadly. i finally get why people say stop talkin to the ex, it seriously does absolutely no good and i pretty much believe that people who say otherwise just haven't realized it yet stay strong fleur and don't go back to the liar!