dont know what to think

[girl23]

If your husband calls you vulgar names and says vulgar things about you and says its your fault because of something you did,is it?

[annie24]

that's awful!!! There is no need for name calling between husband and wife! uggg!!! He needs to talk to you more respectfully.

 

The only way I can almost see his point is if you slept with his best friend.

[shyanne]

that would mean he is a jerk....don't put up with that. everyone deserves to be treated with respect.

[coollady1957]

He is calling you names and using vulgarity, while saying it is YOUR fault for something HE did , or that YOU did ? Regardless, there is no reason for him to be using such language and name calling. It is very disrespectful in any manner of discussion.

[girl23]

He always thinks im cheating on him

[coollady1957]

i just read back on your other previous posts about him. THis is the husband that has kicked you out when you were pregnant and has been verbally abusive many times before.

 

You need to decide if you really need to be with him. I have a feeling he is not going to stop what he is doing to you.

[girl23]

but why does he say its my fault that he does this?

[annie24]

because he's an abusive jerk!

[itsallgrand]

He does it because you allow it and he will continue to do so until you make him stop.

 

He is being abusive. You don't deserve that.

[coollady1957]

He is trying to blame it on anyone but himself. Having read your other posts it seems you are in a very detrimental relationship with this man.

 

DO you want your baby to grow up in this kid of atmosphere? Is this man the father of your baby?

[Cassie]

Heavens, no, it absolutely is not your fault. Your husband sounds a lot like my ex. They know exactly how to emotionally manipulate, and they are quite the master at turning everything around to seem like its your fault. I remember being in this type of relationship for almost a year, and I began to doubt every ounce of sanity I had. Words are tricky. Once you hear something all the time, you begin to believe it. Verbal abuse is poisonous to one's spirit.

 

Honey, please, you need to consider yourself and your child before anything else. Take my word for it, these types of abusive patterns tend not only to repeat themselves, but also to escalate. I finally left my ex when he threw a chair at me and almost broke my kneecap, about a year into things. However, his verbal abuse began the first few months we were together, and should have served as a huge neon warning sign for me.

 

A husband should be a man in your life that treats you with tenderness, love and respect (and vice versa). There is very little reason to degrade each other with name calling. I'm so sorry to hear this has been going on in your relationship.

 

Why does he believe you're always cheating on him?

[Shadows Light]

Cassie.. he's accusing her of cheating because thats what verbally abusive and emotionally abusive people do. He's insecure. And he's trying to manipulate her and control her.

 

To the OP...

 

There's a book on the market...

 

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: how to recognize it and how to respond by Patricia Evans

 

Read it. See if you recognize yourself or him in this book. The abuser.. cycles. You'll have a period of calm (honey-moon phase), and then the build-up, finally the abuse and then back to the calm. Lots of them appologize over and over again telling you how much they LOVE you. And they'll rationalize the abuse by saying somehow "YOU" pushed his buttons.

 

While this is happening. You will walk on egg shells. Wanting to avoid those things that set him off. He's so convincing with his rationalizations, you may start to believe "YOU" in fact are at fault. There is "NO" excuse for him to verbally assault you or emotionally harm you. NONE. These are bruises that are hidden and within. It is insidious.

 

I remember wishing mine "WOULD" hit me. Its tangible. It can be seen. But he wouldn't. The bruises I bore were inside. And with it.. I lost a sense of self-esteem and my ego took a beating.

 

It took a long long time to recognize what was happening. And by the time I recognized it... I thought it was too late for me. Two kids into it. And it was too late. I even thought I'd "FIX" him. "FIX US"... didn't work.

 

When I finally saw that his ANGER was extended to my kids. THAT was the wake up call. When my kids were old enough to start complaining about it and to SEE things and Understand things... THAT was when I knew I had to do something.

 

Pay attention. And get yourself educated on what it is you are dealing with. Find yourself a good counselor who understands what VA/EA is... and bounce your situation off a proffessional. Take care of YOU.. and your baby.

 

 

 

 

[Miss M]

He does it because you allow it and he will continue to do so until you make him stop.

Emotional and physical abusers tell their victims that they responsible for the abuse, and that's also what you're doing. She's not responsible for his bad behavior; only he is responsible for that. And she really can't make him stop because only he can stop himself.

[Shadows Light]

Emotional and physical abusers tell their victims that they responsible for the abuse, and that's also what you're doing. She's not responsible for his bad behavior; only he is responsible for that. And she really can't make him stop because only he can stop himself.

 

EXACTLY. The victim gets brainwashed into thinking they are the "cause". The victim starts thinking "if only..." Its called crazy making. HE is responsible for his actions. HE is responsible for his behaviors.

 

I had someone tell me that if I allowed it to happen.. I probably deserved it. Nice eh???

 

WRONG. Ironically..the statement came from a person who is manipulative and controlling also. HA!.

[itsallgrand]

I did not mean for it to come accross that way at all. I knew the peanut gallery would be singing the chorus of 'it's not your fault'. I chose to be the one that goes...

 

Step up. This is serious. You are an active contributor to the problem.

 

Holding onto the victim stance will do nothing. This person has another human being to consider; not just herself.

[Miss M]

One of the things that concretizes the "brainwashing" of abuse is to be told "it's your fault." That's what the abuser is yelling at her as he inflicts his cruelty. If you want to help an abuse victim to break free of the confusing hypnotic trance, she needs to be told something different than what the abuser tells her... something that breaks the spell, not something that solidifies it.

 

We who've been there chant "it's not your fault" because that really does help break the spell... it helps the victim to begin to empower herself so she can break free. Telling her "you are an active contributor to the problem" only further imprisons her.

 

This link helps explain some of it...

link removed

[itsallgrand]

Miss M,

I hear you out.

You say things that make sense.

 

I do believe I will back out of this thread. I don't have the sympathy for those in this situation that you do. I find her stance selfish. Enough said.

[Miss M]

but why does he say its my fault that he does this?

He has a serious problem with anger, and he doesn't know how to manage it. So the easiest thing seems to be to blame you for how he feels, and for how he acts... even to the point of making up things about you that aren't true. That allows him to indulge in his anger, and to throw his tantrums without feeling any responsibility, and without looking at the true source... himself. And I agree with the others... if you keep listening to the accusations, you start to doubt your own reality, and your sanity starts crumbling. I'd also recommend that you seek the help of a counselor who is experienced with emotional and verbal abuse.