depressive, bad luck, or something else?

[VampiricNeko]

i dont even know where to start, it was hard enough to try to figure out the right forum for this, so i guess i should start typing about me, and then what think it could be making things worse... this will probly be a pretty long post.

 

 

insomnia, not really bad coz i do get to sleep, and i've had dark circles since i can remember, only lately that i noticed wrinkles (dont smoke, i drink a little when i do but its pretty rare, i dont tan, no drugs, and eat sort of healthy food most of the time, oh yeah, and im 23 years old)

 

i have an hormonal disorder, its not really a problem according to the Dr. i just have a bit of more testosterone than the average female, which it seems it affects my caracter.... more 'spiritual' people blame it on the stars (my sign is scorpio and also my ascendant or however u say it)

 

when i was a kid, i didint used to talk that much, or play, or run, or get those classic scratches, or get dirty and ofcourse, i didint had friends; that kind of got a bit better with time though, i still dont do much but for some strange reason im .... well, popular would be a word for it i guess.

 

only child, grew up practicly alone (father always away, mother shopping most of the time) and i think with that you get a pretty good idea of who i am.

 

ok, now the not so bright side; i been sad for quite sometime, i started to think about suicide since i was around 10, i've never tryed anything though, just thought of different ways and kinda made little plans, i was also a magnet to pervs, so im not even sure if i can say i was molested, they tryed to convince me to let them touch me or remove clothes but i didint; i've never felt atracted to anyone, and coz of my strong temper i guess i can intimidate guys, so i havent had a normal relationship (i will explain this in a bit) and eventhough i have absolutly no experience with males or females i think there's a big chance of me being bisexual.

 

now when i say i havent had a normal relationship is coz i've never dated, or kissed someone, this might sound like i've never had one, but 3 years ago i met a guy online... i was trying to learn a new lenguage and to be better with computers, i had just moved to another city coz of my career so there was alot of new things happening in my life, and i was happy; he was very nice and sweet, but to be honest he didint sound that interesting back then. months passed and my family started having alot of finantial problems, and coz of it i would spend all my time either at the university doing homework or chatting with the guy, i liked his 'company' when i was looking for information or whatever, but ended up forgetting about learning more as a hobby, and i started to use my free time to talk to him.

 

it is thanx to him that i realized im afraid of commitment, hell, i'm afraid of even being close to anyone, and he took advantage of this for 3 years, he would say he would come and i would cancel, and around the same time in those 3 years my family had to deal with legal problems, which made the finantial stuff worse.... i never cared about money, but its a necesary thing, i dont know it all got together but it seems my life got ruined with the family's bank account, i had to drop my career, i couldnt travel anymore, and i would start to get pretty strong mood swings, eventhough my mind would still work a bit more than i wanted (i cant make my mind blank) i started loosing interest in everything.

 

That was the amazing thing about him, his voice makes me feel at ease, and he makes me smile when i least expect it, i used to feel strange when he would mention a future together, but i found myself longing for those things he said he wanted in a future, a home, a family, he used to talk to me about his parents and grandparents (his family is really close) and well, i doubt i've seen a happy couple in my life, so i never wanted it before, the version i grew up with wasnt as nice as his.... he beggs me to go to him, coz he cant come, offers to pay for the expenses, so i say yes but then try to talk my way out of it, he gets upset so i say i'll go.... takes all my will power to not cancel, 3 years of talking online is more than enough, not to mention i had pretty strong feelings by then, and he disapears.

 

Yes, after 3 years of coming online nearly everyday, and coz of the time difference he would even sometimes not sleep if i wasnt feeling well, he just stopped coming online when he saw this time i wouldnt change my mind.... and now i realized i started to depending too much on him, my life was falling apart, not that my life has not been chaos most of the times, but he gave me some sort of estability i've never had when i needed it the most, and now my heart is broken, i come online to do nothing, i end up staring at the screen, i go out with friends and i cant get distracted, my sleeping problems got very very bad now i think i might need sleeping pills, and i'm extremely moody, and i now completely gave up on everything.

 

My family legal problems are almost solved, and after a bit our finances should get better, i think i seriously need a psychiatrist..... i dont like even taking aspirin but maybe i do need medication, even if it helped me for a while, my relationship wasnt exactly healthy, not that it was a real relationship anyways.

 

well, i doubt many people would read all this, if you have thank you for bothering, any comments or ideas are apreciated

[Daddy Bear]

I can so relate to how you feel, my fellow heartbroken insomniac. You were right, that was one long-@$$ post, but let me try to hit a few main points with my two cents, in no particular order.

 

First off, there ain't one damn thing wrong with being bi, if that's what you decide to be.

 

If you don't like drugs then don't see a psychiatrist, see a psychologist because they don't prescribe medicine. Mine is a totally awesome dude.

 

Guys are like buses. Another one will be along in 45 minutes.

 

I can't make my mind go blank either, so sometimes I just repeat the word "one" over and over in my head and it stops all the other chatter.

 

Can't give you any advice on the broken heart except to say that "you are not alone". I got the same condition and it's a beeyotch!

 

Well, I'm starting to nod now (yay) but in those times when I can't, I just lie there and relax all over like I'm gonna ooze through my bed onto the floor. I read somewhere that's the next best thing to sleep.

 

I hope my reply wasn't too rambling and you found something in it you can use.

 

"my heart is broke/but i have some glue" ("Dumb", Nirvana)

[robowarrior]

Girl if i where you i'd packed my bags long time ago and paid him a visit to see what he is all about. It wouldn't hurt to have a vacation where he is, if he wasn't nice then the end of your vacation would be an exuse to leave, if it was good then you have an exuse to come back to him.

 

No action = No result

 

Its as easy as that , if you don't take the steps that will lead to a future like you want it to be , then you will remain in the same state of hell where you are in today. I don't want to 'push' you into this, because you have free will, but what is true is that its your life, you have to make the best of it and live it to the fullest,(which i highly doubt will be that while staring at a computer screen)

[VampiricNeko]

well i dont think being bi is a problem either, what i do think its a problem is that i cant get close to people, dont even like them in that way to start with, maybe something affected me more than i thought... or who knows, maybe im just a bit weird.

 

i'll try that thing of repeating the word "one" until i can go to a doctor, but can a psychologist help me with my problem with sleeping and my moods? i think it could be something hormonal, but sounds like it would be worth a try.

 

and to robowarrior, maybe i didint explain clearly, the guy stopped coming online when i finally had decided to go, he doesnt answer my texts, and when i call his mobile is never on, maybe the guy just wanted a cyber-relationship to have someone to talk to and play computer games on his free time, and used my fear against me, making me feel it was coz of me that we havent met.

 

but ur right, i do need to do something about my life, but i guess i just gave up, i dont have the strength or interest on doing anything anymore, maybe we are supoused to live a certain amount of time and if you dont die when you are supoused to your life becomes empty.

 

man this was supoused to be a short reply, i should think of becoming a writter, sorry about that, and thanks both for the reply

[Daddy Bear]

can a psychologist help me with my problem with sleeping and my moods?

Vamp, a psychologist should be able to determine whether or not you need meds and refer you to an M.D. if you do, but will do what she or he can to assist you without automatically resorting to them.

 

keep ya chin up

[VampiricNeko]

^_^ thanx, i feel a bit better

 

btw, repeating the word 'one' hasnt helped me, or maybe im doing it wrong, counting in japanese and trying to make phrases has though, probly coz i need to use all my neurons to remember vocabulary, but if i do it for too long i get tired and almost end up with a headache ^_^; i'll keep trying