Need your help with NC

[ufoureah]

I started nc since Saturday the 8th of April after my ex, (who really didn't break up with me officially) decided that she was not going to answer calls or e-mails from me. I left out of the country for 10 days and right before I left, she moved out so that we can take a break from each other. I thought we were going to do stuff together when I get back, but I guess she changed her mind. 2 days before I was to return, after she saw her psychologist, she asked I did not call or e-mail her and I have respected that. I know she still loves me and is having a hard toime, but her policy in life is fake it til you make it. She has lots on her plate, tomorrow she has to go to court for a DUI conviction and will be going thru a diversion program again. I think she is embarresed about that and wants to deal with it on her own. I am dying to e-mail her to wish her luck during her courtcase, but Iam backing off, let her know I respect her wishes. I know deep inside she wants me to contact her, but I WILL NOT!!!

Today marks day 5 and I am having a major anxiety attack today because I have been back from Israel for 2 days now and she didn't even check in. This used to be someone who could not live without me. She has major psychiatric issues and has taken herself off of her antidepressant cold turkey.

Do you guys/ladies mind helping me go thru this. I know I have major problems of codependence. I feel like I need to help her and I thnk I may even have love addiction. I feel as tho I am weaning off a drug. I am not a druggie or take no meds.

I know I have to work on me, get a life and move on. If she comes back great.

I keep telling myself that, but I am so sad, I know she is being told what to do by people who know nothing about our bond and i am hoping in the future if I play my cards right (grow up, be less needy, get a life, don't be controlling) I can have a great friendship with her and maybe more in the future.

I know we are extremely compatible and yes she is sick, but I know she'll probably realize that she'll need to go back on some kind of med for her PTSD and hopefully we can be friends.

Thank you

D...

[nadine_3110]

I think you're doing the right thing in backing off. She goes to a psychologist for a reason, she needs help. I don't know you but I don't think you have a codependance problem, I think you just miss her. It's totally normal. Many ppl were the same way at one point. Personally, I think you should just let her come to you when she's ready. She also has to learn to be independent and that's what I think she's trying to do. So good luck!

[ufoureah]

She is extremely independent. I was very controlling to her and she ran away. I have told her i was willing to change, but she wants nothing to do with me. She said she'd contact me in 6 months. I know this was not her decision she has lots of friends who tell her what to do. I am so lost and feel so guilty. She is going thru hell and I wish i could be there. Do you think she misses me. At one point the woman could not be without me, could not sleep without me and then she got off of her antidepressant (Paxil) cold turkey and now she feels like she needs to run away. They call it a fuque I think.. It is so weird. I am having major anxiety. All I want to know is that she too is having trouble. I know her mind is busy with her DUI courtcase. Should I shoot her an e-mail to tell her iam thinking about her or will that piss her off and I would have to start NC all over again?

D...

[ufoureah]

And I never had an opportunity to tell her what my plans were. I never got to apologize for my mistakes. I never got to redeem myself. she just ran away. It really hurts.

D...

[Beyondthesea]

If you really want to show her you've changed, why don't you start going to counseling and taking some anger management courses? If you show her that you are making positive changes in your life, maybe she will consider things earlier than 6 months from now.

 

You just miss her, and you will be alright. Everyone feels that there isn't enough 'closure' in their broken relationships, but you will feel better soon.

 

Busy yourself this weekend with doing things and you'll be ok.

[ufoureah]

I don't think she will have the courage to reach out. My birthday is coming up.. She was going to take me to Las Vegas. I took her to FL. She just moves on as tho nothing has changed.

I really have done all I could to be supportive, she was too whimpy to say that things were bothering her. She says she is a cameleon and fits into everyones life. I did not want that. She should have said something. I will always work on myself. All this precious time is just wasted. we waited all Winter for the Spring to come.. and now that it's here our plans POOF gone.

Does she have to do this now?

She wanted to get married to me.

She had to quit her antidepressant.

Yes I feel sorry for myself. she is stronger than I thought she would be and now iam crumbling. she never wanted to talk about if we were ever going to break up. she used to tell me that that made her feel very insecure.

What has happened to my sweety?

D...

[Ontario_Rider]

I'm in a similar situation, except my NC is court ordered. The problem is she's ill, that makes 3 in a relationship. I'm not saying you are doomed, but you need to realize that. It's her and her illness you deal with. It makes it very hard.

I would suggest counselling as well for yourself and to see what you are dealing with.

[ufoureah]

Well today she is having her courtdate for her DUI. I hope to G'D that she gets a diversion program assigned and gets help for her drinking problem I am feeling sick today, anxious, totally could not sleeep . I miss her terribly. I am so scared for her and eventhough I want her to hit rock bottom so that she can go back on something to help her cope with life, I still want to protect her. Yes I am probably codependent... actually I love her and want her to not go anymore hell she has been thru with her PTSD and sex abuse issues.

I have no support here and her friends think I am the crazy one. She is so cool and collected, she can make a lemon seem like it's a watermelon. she is so beautiful and so well versed and spoken that she can fool everyone. meanwhile she is dying inside.. FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT!! her policy.

why do I love her.. because the J #1 I met was great.. #2 was a drunk and #3 was off Paxil drastically and withdrwawing from that and Alcohol. I want J#1 back and Ia afraid that if she does not get help now she will kill herself.

What can I do?

D...

[Beyondthesea]

Nothing. Take care of yourself first. Both of you have very bad issues that prevent you from being in a relationship at the moment.

 

Her friends are just that...her friends. Leave them all alone and look after you.

[Ontario_Rider]

Mine too, has a court date, but not til the end of June. The charges are HER problem not yours. I understand you wishing her well, but again it shows her issues not yours.

She's dug the hole, let her get out of it. I view it as kind of a tough love. No one wants to 'wish' all the time they are with the person they know as #1. It's not fair to yourself. Someone someday will love you for YOU. And will be YOUR #1. But again, this girl needs to find herself before she can ever look at, or for you.

[ufoureah]

She is already dating others. not dealing with her problems. Totally not even minding me. She left 3 weeks ago and has not checked in once. Ofcourse the Paxil withdrawal is not helping her. I just don't know what happened. She is an (sneaking functional ) alcoholic and is just moving on with her life as tho I don't even exist. This weekend is the first weekend at home without her and I miss her terribly. The girl I knew the way I knew her. I miss doing stuff for her, Yes I am so damn co dependent.

I need to break out of that and start doing for me. It's hard, I have a pattern. I just cannot stop focussing on what she is doing? who she is seeing. I actually felt her arms around me when I woke up at 4AM all anxious this morning. I miss my sense of comfort she provided for me.

I feel like I have a bad case of love addiction and I am weaning off a terrible drug. My body aches and I am paralyzed. Sounds creepy I know.. I am functional, My house is clean, I am eating... I just have this terrible sense of loss I am experiencing..

Will it go away?

D...

[Ontario_Rider]

Sort of, things just change. First you do the shock thing, then it's anger or grief, then the 'what-if stage'.

I STILL wake up and think it was all a dream! Not sure when that will end, hopefully soon.

What I've been doing is when I think of him, I purposefully think of something else and get it out of my head.

Try and stay busy, reading I find good, those Dr. Phil books only make sense though a couple weeks into it, LOL

You just HAVE to move on, she has. Concentrate on yourself.

Do stuff for you, think about YOU, take care of YOU.

[ufoureah]

Oh I just got confirmation that she is an alcoholic. I was putting on too many restrictions and now lots of things make lots of sense. The continuous candy eating, the all of a sudden disappearing while we are watching tv to go brush her teeth and wash her face. her not remembering things, the verbal and physical abuse, the ketone smell on her breath, the eating of strong cough drops when going to bed, since I used to complain of the smell. Her feeling like she is going to die on the vine since I took all the alcohol away and her needing to move out ASAP. Her second DUI. her drinking 15% alcohol mouthwash after I took her stash away. her od-ing on Ativan after her dental surgery.

She still holds a high state official job with 50 employees earns over $85,000/year and still drinks and drives. Her friends are enablers and some have no clue. I was fooled, she is already out looking for another safe victim. And now she is off her antidepressant cold turkey.. isn't that great. She has done the diversion program in one state already and her record cleared, only to have to do it again in this State and no one knows... I am the crazy one. Alonon and Coda here I come. This is beyond my scope of comprehension or understanding.

It still hurts to know now that alcohol won! and I lost.. will she ever come to her senses? She has too much pain from her life, her dad died 8 years ago, she has PTSD from sex abuse for over 33% of her life. How sad.

I keep hoping she'll be ok.

I am feeling powerless and out of control.

I love her and miss my friend.

D...