Is My Husband Gay?

[Is my Husband Gay]

I recently discovered that my husband has been surfing she-male porn internet sites for the last six years obsessively. He calls the she-male hotlines and masturbates and he recently told me that he had met with a prostitute before we were married but could not follow through with anything.

I understand completely that transgendered males are actually females and have no problem whatsoever with that other then feeling a great deal of sympathy for their plight. However I never imagined my husband would be so into this. I am trying desperately to understand it. He says it is because it is just so different and deviant (not meant in a durogatory way but in the departure from normal way). I however do not have a penis and never will so I can't understand the fascination unless he is gay. Or he himself wants to be a woman. Can someone who is experienced with these types of issues please give me some advice so I can proceed in an educated, non-judgemental way. I do love my husband and would like to support whatever issues he may be dealing with but I need to know first if he is in denial about something or are these normal fantasies that most men don't admit to.

[BellaDonna]

I think there is a chance he can be bisexual or gay. These kinds of things are not always so cut and dry though.

 

To be attracted to a "shemale" essentially means is he attracted to a man who exhibits feminity.

 

It could just be a fantasy, it could be something he wants to try.

 

he recently told me that he had met with a prostitute before we were married but could not follow through with anything.

 

Was the prostitute a man, a shemale, a woman?

 

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

He may be gay, bisexual, or just have an attraction and fascination with transgenders.

 

I don't believe they are fantasies 'most men' have, but they are ones I am sure some do, and your husband is one of them.

 

It's tough to say what exactly is going on, and whether it indicates a sexual orientation or a curiosity. I think the only way to know is to discuss it with him, keep the communication open.

 

Perhaps even consider therapy for at least yourself, to work through some of the conflicts and emotions you have about this.

 

What would you do if it turned out he was gay/bisexual/wanting to be with a transgender?

[FoxLocke]

This is a tricky question. No one can know your husband's true sexuality except you.

 

But I can say that, as a gay guy myself, I would not be attracted to a she-male, regardless of genitalia.

 

Perhaps, your husband may want to explore a different side of his sexuality? Maybe just experiment with something that is out of the norm? Or maybe he is slowly moving up to being with other men? I don't know...

 

But atleast he has been open with you about it. That should count for something...

 

This is quite the peculiar instance.

[arwen]

It could be some kind of fetish, maybe? How do you feel about things, and how is your sexlife?

 

Ilse

[novaseeker]

Most guys who are attracted to pre-operative transsexuals are not gay. Gay people are attracted to the male form in total, not just the idea of a penis.

 

It could be possible, however, that your husband is either (1) bisexual in a sexual and not attractional sense (I think that many guys who are attracted to transsexuals are at least to some degree bisexual because of the kind of sex one has with a transsexual, even if they are mostly or exclusively attracted to the female form) or (2) somewhat transgendered himself (again I think many guys who are attracted to transsexuals have some, possibly mild, transgendered feelings themselves and hence the fascination).

[Bethany]

I look at lesbian porn, but I am 100% straight and I consider myself pretty open when it comes to sex and know I have an extremely high sex drive..But it's all fantasy to me and when I click off the site it's gone and out of my head! I don't worry about it, I don't concern myself that I am gay, it's just something I do.

Unless he says he has indecision to whether he is gay, transgender etc, I wouldn't press him, just leave him be.

Having said that, I would be interested in how much of an obsession he has. Does he browse a couple of sites a week etc or does it consume his every thought??. If the latter that should be a concern to BOTH of you.

[PocoDiablo]

 

Ahem. Have you ever thought of buying a strap-on?

 

Seriously. Of course, you should talk to him about it first, and let him pick out how big (or small) he would like. Get some lube, too, a few different types as they are not all the same.

 

And then ... well ... induldge him?

[Bethany]

 

Ahem. Have you ever thought of buying a strap-on?

 

Seriously. Of course, you should talk to him about it first, and let him pick out how big (or small) he would like. Get some lube, too, a few different types as they are not all the same.

 

And then ... well ... induldge him?

 

I think that's an extremely good idea.

[tyler711]

It's not him being attracted to this... thing that you have to worry about the most. It's whether he's going to cheat or not. You say he met with a prostitute? I would consider that cheating in itself, even if they didn't do anything. But that's just my opinion. Cheating is cheating, whether it's with a man, a woman, or a little of both wrapped into one.

[Is my Husband Gay]

Thank you all for your replies! In response to some of the questions, the prostitute was a she-male. He did not cheat on me as this happened before we met. He says he has never been unfaithful to me. Our sex life is great. He has always been an incredibly attentive lover and we both are very open to experimentation, however I never expected this and am all the more shocked. He is, however, very fascinated with anal sex and that's something that I haven't been able to give him (just find it hurts too much). I have indulged other fetishes and he has certainly indulged my fantasies. I thought that this might be a better form of therapy for myself because I would be talking to people that may be actually living/experiencing or can relate to some of these issues more so than a therapist.

He won't go to therapy himself as he insists he is not attracted to men, will give up the porn surfing and only wants to be true to our marraige. I would obviously be very hurt if I found out that he was gay/bisexual. I think the saddest thing for me would be the fact that we were living a lie more so than what his sexual orientation would be. Life should not be wasted being something that you are not.

I would be happy to indulge him (ahem) but who is he thinking of? Me or a man?

[BellaDonna]

I would be happy to indulge him (ahem) but who is he thinking of? Me or a man?

 

I guess the only way to know is to try it, and then ask him???? He at least seems honest about everything so far- so he'll probably be truthful about that too.

 

BellaDonna

[PocoDiablo]

I would be happy to indulge him (ahem) but who is he thinking of? Me or a man?

I meant you with a toy or two...

[PocoDiablo]

Hey how about turn on your PM settings so I can send you something privately. Click User CP --> Settings I think.

[novaseeker]

I would obviously be very hurt if I found out that he was gay/bisexual. I think the saddest thing for me would be the fact that we were living a lie more so than what his sexual orientation would be. Life should not be wasted being something that you are not.

 

Well, but if he discerns that he is bisexual that doesn't mean he isn't attracted to you, or that he won't be faithful to you. If that turns out to be the case, it's something worth discussing.

 

I would be happy to indulge him (ahem) but who is he thinking of? Me or a man?

 

Most likely he would be thinking of the sensation, which for men, due to the location of the prostate gland, is quite pleasurable, in fact.

[RandomAdvisor]

Hey how about turn on your PM settings so I can send you something privately. Click User CP --> Settings I think.

 

I think PM's are only turned on for new users after their 10th post.

[PocoDiablo]

What? Ugh. Sometimes this site makes it really hard to help people! (I run my own forums and don't lock things down nearly as much so this drives me nuts! )

[RandomAdvisor]

Yeah. I'm sure it was implemented for a reason though. Maybe some trolls were making new accounts to harass people with PM's?

[PocoDiablo]

Yeah, but that's what banning folks is all about! At least enable so I can email her ... oh well. Not my site, not my baby, not my rules.

[hosswhispra]

I don't think your husband is gay. There are straight men who are into anal sex (the prostate gland area makes it very pleasurable). Having a facination with she-males does not necessarily make a man gay.

 

There is a website where people have asked the same questions you are asking here. The website is:

 

link removed

[Tigris]

Talk to him and see if he'd like to buy some toys so you can experiment on him.

[deep blue]

Your husband problem is so similar to my husband's.

We have been married almost 10years. I discovered that he dresses 6month after we were married. After that, it is getting worse. I should have divorced when I discovered it first. Now he have sex with transgender male, he dressed fully head to toe. He trys to hides it but I know he does occasionally. We don't have sex. I am afraid of getting HIV from him.

Our marriage is getting close to the end, but he doen't want us to leave. Kids loves him and I love him alot except the sexual problem. He is a great man, but becuase of his addiction, he lies. . I don't trust him. I don't respect him. I can not be a good happy wife infront of him anymore.

I can not decide divorce or understand. How do you deal with him? You must be quite shock right now. All I can say is it is not your fault.

[novaseeker]

Your husband problem is so similar to my husband's.

We have been married almost 10years. I discovered that he dresses 6month after we were married. After that, it is getting worse. I should have divorced when I discovered it first. Now he have sex with transgender male, he dressed fully head to toe. He trys to hides it but I know he does occasionally. We don't have sex. I am afraid of getting HIV from him.

 

You should leave him, to be honest. Sleeping with people outside the marital relationship, for starters, and obviously you're upset about the crossdressing as well. Likely he is somewhat transgendered, and you didn't sign up to be married to a transgendered person. You should leave him.

[rollipolli]

I have a similar issue. My boyfriend is into it as well. When we first met he sai it is just a fantasy that doesnt jump off the computer screen into real life. I then found out he was lying and he had been with TS prostitutes. I told him that i do not want him subjecting me to that in our relationship (dont want my BF sleeping iwth anyone else, much less a prostitute). He promises he doesn't but I know he does. Even though he loves women, vaginas, etc., I am concerned about how much this seems to preoccupy him. I am fairly certain that is the majority of porn that he watches.

 

I am breaking up with him and this is one of the major reasons. The lesson for you is don't worry about understanding him--sexuality is not something that anyone can explain--worry about understanding YOU..What can YOU live with? is this something that makes YOU comfortable? is this something YOU want in your life? how does this make YOU feel about him?

 

Once you've answered these questions, you will know what to do next. Bottomline is - do not compromise your comfort for someone else's happiness. Will make you both miserable in the end!