How much contact is too much, not enough?

[Bostich]

Hi all,

 

I was just wondering if you all think it is normal or necessary to talk to your significant other on a daily basis. Would you also say that the amount of communication you have with one another signifies your desire or commitment as well?

 

I ask because I am slowly trying to learn to take my own space and have a life outside of my relationship but it is hard. I feel like I have always been with people where contact was AT LEAST once a day, if not more.

[melrich]

I live with my partner but we are apart while I am at work. I would call her every day from work.

 

that the amount of communication you have with one another signifies your desire or commitment as well?

 

No definitely not. Some couples are really happy with sporadic contact, others are happy to call each other 10 times a day. It really depends on the individuals.

 

I think where you can get real problems is attempting to validate how much you love someone by contacting them incessantly. That is likely to become just plain annoying.

[bobo85]

Its okay to talk to your significant other everyday. In fact i highly recommend it. But just make sure that your significant other doesnt consume your whole life. There is no appropritate amount of minutes you should call your SO or an amount of hours you should spend with them. Some successful relationships require minimum contact while other relationships require a significant amount of contact.

 

Communicate with your SO !!!!!

[Sexychiick16]

i think its healthy to take breaks every once in a while. it can make the relationship stronger...but thats just me, im not the best person to ask though...

 

judging from my bestfriend and her boyfriend, she actually is pretty

brutal when it comes to telling her boyfriend that she doesnt want him to comeover on certain days, hehe...

[Bostich]

I understand what you mean about the whole consumption thing. I certainly am in the process of trying to break the pattern of finding my validation through my relationship.

 

My boyfriend and I used to see each other all the time (5-6/week) and ever since we have had problems it has dropped to about 2-3/week. I used to get e-mails upon e-mails a day and now I am lucky to receive one.

 

I know perhaps we went a little overboard in the beginning and didnt leave much time for anything else but work and each other so in theory having more space is good. I however, still find difficulty with it. When I dont hear from him I panic and I often resent the fact that he doesnt want to see me. I also know that because of our problems he might not want to se me as much as needs to know we can buold back what we lost.

 

And its not like he doesnt tell me he loves me or that we arent initmate, its just we now have more time and space away from each other. It's so easy for him, I wish it could be for me too.

 

Any tips on how to make this bearable? I have friends and hobbies but my mind wont stop. Luckily, I do have enough control to not bug him when I am feeling this needy.

[xmrth]

It varies so much. It all depends on what the two of you are comfortable with.

A good way to figure that out is how MUCH your significant other would like to keep in contact, and I'd imagine considering you posting about it, it could be a little or a lot less than you'd like.

But there's always halfway marks and compromises that you can make.

 

If you're, as you say, wanting to work on having a life outside of him and mentioning the phone to help with that, then I'd suggest talking every other day, to every two days with a day off in between, etc. just taking breaks with the phone every once in a while. But if you two are fine with contact every day, then maybe limit the amount of calls to one or two, and the time they'd last for.

 

After all, they're still there, and they're still yours. I wouldn't depend on the phone being what keeps you together (unless you're in a LDR, and reasons such as that), and with that said, don't let it bother you if you have minimal contact because it's how you two are together that is more important than a phone conversation. It took me forever to learn that, and it was hard. It will take a lot of time. Everyone's situation is different, but that's my experience anyway.

[Bostich]

xmrth,

 

You make an excellent point. I do have to remember that regardless of when we see each other, we are in fact together and I should enjoy our time spent with one another.

 

But I do want to see him more than he wants to see me and this is sometimes a problem we struggle with. I also know that my reasons for seeing him are not always healthy. I should be able to spend time with myself and friends, sometimes I feel like a love addict or something. Just so dependent. But then I see other couples who do hang out everyday and wonder if maybe we are just not compatible in the arena.

 

I mean we used to hang out all the time, why change now? He says it's because he realizes that it is unhealthy and he wasnt getting things done when we always hung out. He also says if we are to have a long future, we dont need to cram it in all at once.

 

It's just hard to make the change. If we were always this way it would be a different story altogether. It makes me feel like he just doesnt like me as much or something.

[xmrth]

I feel that regardless of time spent that he is with you because he cares about you and wants to be with you, and what he's saying is what works for him-- he's giving you the "answers" but it is definitely hard to accept for a while. You just have to make the choice of how you will be able to see it at his level.

 

I went through the same thing with seeing my boyfriend so so much... then he started working sometimes overtime and taking courses for his job, and I'd see him only on weekends. For the past couple of years it's been this way, and the phone was our "communication." and I realized that relying on that to maintain our relationship during the week was a huge mistake... because I'd take it so seriously and it would cause issues.

I wanted to edit/add one more thing that relates even more to your situation: even though he was busy with that, he was the one who first and still does like to have the space. It just takes time to find a comfortable "schedule" you both can agree with for communication and seeing eachother.

 

Space is so important. Even if it's not something you'll feel by the end of the week, you'll see it in the long run because you'll realize the improvement over time to have your separate lives but also having lives together when you see eachother.

 

I have to say, I think the absolute worst-- WORST thing you can do is compare yourself to other couples.

One couple I knew personally who had their lives intertwined and never left eachother's side, was a couple I thought were "perfect." But then realized (and was told by the girlfriend-- but not only that, even threads on this board!) their relationship problems are due to the fact that they spent all that time together and time talking in all their spare time... literally two people trying to become only one. Which I think is extreme, but it's all just the same.

They just couldn't get themselves to get up and do other things.

 

I consider the fact that your boyfriend wanting his space and voicing that with you is such a good thing that he is able to do that. So many people either don't want to, or want to but can't. And it's so important to have separate lives, even if it hurts or is hard. It takes time, but you'll come to understand and it will be such a wonderful realization. I know you realize it, but I mean being comfortable with it. It takes time, but just realize all the benefits, especially that he has told you and is putting it into action. Just always make the absolute best of the time spent-- that is what is most important over all.