I don't know what to do....help

[beyonddevastated]

Hi. So my bf of 4 years decides he needs space to not be "controlled". We have always been very controlling of eachother, but I guess he is fed up. ANyway, last week was hell, but since we saw eachother on Tuesday, things are good. He says we will definitely be back together soon, but not yet. So last night we hung out & it was absolutely perfect, but we acted like bf/gf the whole time. I just dont know what to do bc last week he made plans w his friends to go to some sports event & then out for a little bit after. This morning he told me that we could meet up afterwards and that made my day wonderful. But me, being who I am, had to call & ask him when we would meet up, how he would get there, if we were definitely gonna see eachother, etc. He got kinda frustrated & now the situation SUCKS. I cant stand the thought of him out drinking @ a bar with his a**hole friends. It makes me insane, bc we NEVER did anything like that. The last thing he said was to call him when my night is over, and then he will try to end his night so we can see eachother, but I left him a message saying I'd be done by 1, and to call me if he will be ready by then. Whatever, this isnt even the POINT. I cant stand how we act together & talk to eachother. He tells me we will be together & makes up some BS about how this space will make us better together. I know he loves me & wants to be with me, but I cant take this waiting period while he can do whatever he wants. HELPPPPPPPPPP

[Bethany]

The point is....

 

He's trying to tell you that you're smothering him and he needs a life besides you as he should, as everyone should.

Maybe you should try it too because if you don't cut him some slack and take what he says seriously and do something to change your smothering and your disregard of his feelings and thoughts, you're worse nightmare will come true and he'll dump you for good.

[Sparky21]

Hey

 

this situation is pretty crap, i can understand why you feel so rubbishy its understandable!

 

Anyways i think that ur ex bf/bf is treating you badly and witout much respect. It seems strange that he is still organising to see you a lot even thought he "needs space". this must be pretty confusing for you.

 

so are u guys seeing each other less or is it just the same, maybe he has been gettin hassle from his mates for not going out or maybe he feels isolated from them? i know that can be quite scary, i sometimes feel isolated from my mates bcoz i hang out with my bf a lot. what are his friends like, do they give him * * * * about hanging out etc. that might tell you a lot about what happening?

 

i think you should speak to him asap, if u wants to break up indefinitely is better to know now than later. it sounds to me like its just a blip though?

 

Hope ur ok

Saz x

[beyonddevastated]

Yea they give him s*** I'm sure. I am HOPING it's just for this weekend, bc he had already made plans with them. I feel like maybe tomorrow when I see him, I should talk to him about it. I just dont know what to say! Well I know for sure we will be back together. He just called from his friends car & told me that again. He said he just wants to "hang out with his friends". Tomorrow when we talk, what do I say? I dont want to give him an ultimadum like, "we hafta be together or not talk", bc I cant take that. I know things are going well, but he has the best of both worlds now, so how can it end? What should I say or do?

[Sparky21]

i think you should say or do what you think is best. he can have the best of both worlds when you guys are together too.

 

are you guys still being intimate?

 

but i think you guys need to talk, and soon i know its hard but you cant be kept hanging on like this. sure u wanna be his friend but would it not be better too know if you guys get back togther.

 

im sure if you said that you can work on bein controlling and he can spend a little bit more time with his mates that would work.. but if this is the case you need to do stuff for yourself more.

 

he needs to understand that he cant be vague about what is happenin with you guys, its not fair on u, and it will do more harm than good in the long term

 

Saz x

[ReadyorNot]

You know what? Ive been there.... I was so selfish that I couldnt even stand one night that he wanted to be with his friends and hang out like a normal guy.... I had my whole life ahead of me with him, but nope... I didnt want to be apart for even a few hours..

 

You need to stop being this controlling... it doesnt get you anywhere.... SERIOUSLY! Whats one night out with the guys? I see now that everyone needs to have a life on their own... The love of my life left me AGAIN because of this....

 

I realize now, that I would have received SO much more love and kindness from my fiance if I had of just let him be him, and do what he wanted with his friends when he wanted.... I smothered him... I made him hate me...

 

Seriously... get over this FAST. If you dont have many friends then start making some... everyone needs to have time on their own with their own friends.... I cant stress this enough... you have the opportunity to change your relationship... I will probably never have the chance to fix this... Dont say anything to your bf about his night out... ask him if he had a good time.... he shouldnt get h*** for spending some time with his friends...

 

If only I realized this before....

[robowarrior]

I have some advice for you which comes from a couple that was married over 50 years. A relationship means being together, but still being able to let eachother to do their 'own thing' , its called freedom within boundries. Remember you are here to love and help eachother, did you go with your partner with the thought, im with him so he can make me unhappy? No of course not, thereforeeee put love and light on a continues basis into the relationship. Make eachothers lives happy instead of miserable. Give eachother some breathing space. No one wants to be into a suffocating relationship.

[DN]

I agree with robowarrior - you are on a fast-track to losing him completely.

 

And calling his friends names will get you zero points with him as well. All that does is show that you want all his attention and are even jealous of the time he spends with his friends. You may not like them but they are his friends and he has a right to pick the people he want to have as his friends.

 

You need a major attitude adjustment about relationships and control issues. He should not have to be with you all the time and cut off his friends to prove that he loves you. But you should prove your love for him by making the changes within you that lead you to behave the way that you do.

[beyonddevastated]

Well here I am AGAIN! Last night I went out with my friend, and he went out with his. He called me a couple times, we made plans to see eachother finally at 1:30am. At 1:25, he calls me WASTED, and bc I wasn't at his house yet (neither was he), I was completely berated. This has happened one other time. He told me that it was obvious that hanging out with myfriend was more important than him, that we were probably out trying to get sex with random guys, that I'm a wh**e and that he'd not into this so its done. Real nice. I couldnt say one word, bc he wouldnt stop repeating those horrible things. We had plans today, and he said that I should make plans with the guy I hung out with last night, bc he is done dealing with such a wh**e. And then his phone goes off for the rest of the night. This morning we talk like NOTHING happened. He's all, "What happ. last night? Last night was crazy. I dont remember anything....."

 

So I gave him his "space" and now look. Yea he's a total a**hole, but without alcohol I know how great he is. We are seeing eachother in a few hours & I dont know what to do. I am NOT spending another weekend like this. Part of me wants to tell him to leave me alone till he is done with getting drunk @ bars every weeekend thing, and to call me when he can be back how we used to be (minus a few negative aspects). As much as I know I should do this, I am scared he will walk away......at least at first. I hate this, bc this week we have gotten along so wonderfully & I want him to be like that always, and realize the bar life will run out quick. Please help. I'm seeing him in like 3 hrs.

[Bethany]

What you are doing is working, you are showing him you have a life. He was (even though he was drunk) is wondering where you are, what you're up to etc etc.

 

Even though he was rude, he was still thinking about you and wants to sort it out. Don't forget, he is only going out with his mates because he needs you to stop clinging to him for everything and anything.

 

This is a big change for your relationship, things are finally swinging around and I think you should tell him that he was rude to you but not make a big scene over it but maybe show him your disapproval by body language rather than attacking him personally over it. Make your feelings known, then don't punish him over and over again. i.e. You've been rude, I've told you, It's done and now it's over attitude, lets get on to better things.

 

Now you have seen how remaining calm and acting rationally can be a catalyst to change and better things, consider doing more for yourself, joining social circles, going out with your friends more, not necessarily our drinking but out for the afternoon shopping or something, spend time alone to just be you,all these will show him that you are willing and actually are changing, and now it's his turn to step up to the mark.

[beyonddevastated]

So no, "Leave me alone till your done getting wasted every weekend. Call when you are ready to be my real boyfriend once again & stop stringing me along."?? While your advice makes sense, I kind of feel like while I'm showing him I can be "not-contolling", maybe what he is really getting from me is the best of both worlds.......

[Bethany]

By saying that, you're actually telling him "It's me clinging to you for life OR get drunk with your mates".

In a happy relationship both partners feel the freedom to go anywhere, do anything without mistrust, pressure or control. We are entitled as adults to have friends, be happy, have a social life without being made to feel guilty or forced to choose. He is not stringing you along, he thinks you are getting a life and because of it, he wants to see more of you. Prove him right. He is NOT everything, he is not your world, he is part of it. Treat him like he is.

 

Think of it this way, what you have been doing so far has driven him to this, hasn't it? so why drive him away completely? Why not get a life of your own and give him the space he needs? What is so hard about that?

[beyonddevastated]

It's hard bc its a complete double standard. He is the most controllng person I've ever met, and now after 4 years he has a couple friends, and I'm the controlling one? I dont know. I dont see why its so bad to say, "I showed you I can give you space and not control your life. If you are so sure we will be back together soon, whats the point in waiting?"

[DN]

If he is controlling - why do you want to be with him? I understand you love him but will that love overcome controlling behaviour?

[beyonddevastated]

Right now I feel like I need him. I just want it to be the way it was.....I really dont know what to say to him when we see eachother.

[Bethany]

It's not about waiting, it's about getting your emotions in check and keeping calm, using the time wisely and giving both of a little space.

Don't use the double standard thing on him, as this very often backfires as it just passes the blame back and forth.

Just ACCEPT that he needs a life bigger than just the two of you in your own little world. And if you had a life of your own, you probably wouldn't have cared if he had gone out with his mates or even had been happy that he had mates to go out with as you were going out with yours!

But more importantly, if you hadn't clung to him so tightly and had 'allowed' him to have a life besides you, he probably would have chosen NOT to go out with them as he would have been content just being with you and glad to just be part of your extremely busy life. Can't you see?

[beyonddevastated]

I guess. It's just hard to make such a complete turnaround. I find ithard to not talk to him, but hard knowing he is doing things neither of us ever wanted to do before. I hope all works out in the long run.

[DN]

I think you two are in danger of going off in entirely different directions. If he does say he wants to get back together, you will need to have a serious talk about the expectations you have of each other, how to manage the relationship and where you see it heading in the future.

 

You seem to have some major differences and they may be getting worse not better. You will need to get those sorted out if a relationship is to last.