I just dont know anymore!!!!!!

[nx2chaos]

Hi All,

 

I found this site while I was looking around. I figured I would give it a shot.

I was with my ex for 8 years, When we first meet everything seemed so perfect. We have a son together, who is now 5 years old. I did everything in my power to make her happy. We even moved to montreal. I supported her and my son while she was going to school. I also have her brother staying with us for over 5 years out of the relationship too. In January of this year she decided out of the blue to separate. I didn't even see it coming. I knew we were far apart. I have been so busy with work, she was in school and spending time with our son that I think we lost touch of each other. At first I figured I could stay at the same place to help out. She is not working yet. She is almost finished her nursing. But the past months have been horrible. I am moving out this month. But I am so confused. I tried so hard to make her happy. First she tells me she thinks she is gay, then she tells me she is not. Cool. Then she just comes out of the blue and tells me that she has been thinking about separating for a long time. That she cannot commit to this relationship anymore. Then she tells me that she is not in love with me anymore.

 

My psychotherapist thinks that she seems to be confused. Sometimes I feel there is hope then I get shot down. Sometimes I get these feelings by the things she says. She also said that we can try the separation thing out. She is not sure if she is making the right decision.

 

In the past week I have been noticing her going out and not coming home.

Putting pillows under the covers for me to think that she is there. ( I think she is with someone else. ) I am sure she has moved on with her life. But I feel that she has f'd up mine. After she was finished school we were supposed to tackle the debt. I can go to school. Buy a house. You know the family thing. I believe so much in having a family thats prim and proper. I never ever wanted this for myself or for my son. My son does not deserve this. I grew up not even knowing my father. She also came from a broken family. Man, 8 years. I cant believe this is happening to me. I just dont understand.

 

I am trying so hard to move on with my life. I just got a promotion at my job.

I am a great father. But everytime I give my heart to someone, it just gets torn out and stomped to the curb.

 

I am going to move out this month. Hopefully this helps. But I will only know then.

 

nx2chaos

[southerngirl]

Im sorry your going through this. Yes, she does sound confused. Remember to be the best father you can be for the boy. Even if you and her dont work out he has to remain top priority.

[lgirl]

nx2chaos, i am so sorry to hear the crap yr ex has put you through. it will take you a while to get from under this cloud and get over yr considerable shock, so try to be kind to yourself in the meantime - this means looking after yourself, eating etc. it also means not blaming yourself for the break-up as you try to piece together why it happened - from what you have said it looks like there was no avoiding it. the best thing is to concentrate on yourself and yr future for the time being. well done getting that promotion! also, moving away will help you a lot. you won't be able to understand what happened until you can get some perspective on yr situation. and you can't so that without a bit of distance (and time). for the sake of your sanity and yr son, you need to focus on looking forwards - yr ex is yr past now (her choice and her loss, btw). leave her to it - it might help her decide if she's sure or not about continuing with you. either way, it will do you both good to have some space. but frankly, if she's in that much doubt about being with you, do you really want to stick around?

 

keep posting here - you are not alone!

[PocoDiablo]

Hi,

 

Here's my take on this, since I think your therapist is ... with all due respect ... just telling you what you want to hear.

 

I did everything in my power to make her happy.

I believe this is your first mistake. Women, in my opinion, don't want a supplicating slave-like guy who kisses up to them. I'm not sure what you did to make her happy, but moving to Montreal is like saying "Let me spend money to make you happy because otherwise you won't like me." It comes from a position of low self-worth and lack of self-confidence. The problem is that it also sends a signal that you are not a strong father, a leader, a decision maker.

 

I supported her and my son while she was going to school.

What did you get out of this? Did she do something equally hard in return, such as clean the house, cook, laundry, whatever? If it was one sided and you asked for nothing in return, that is what you're going to get. Again, this appears to me to be an attempt to buy her company. Again, it appears to come from a position of low self esteem. Now, granted, it's not bad to help someone you love with bettering themself, but there has to be something in return. Believe it or not, that old saying about relationships being "give and take" is true, but it really should be read "give AND take." If you did not "take" anything in return, the balance of power in the relationship slips in her favor. I don't believe women want to be in relationships like that all the time. They want an equal balance.

 

I also have her brother staying with us for over 5 years out of the relationship too.

Why? Was this her idea? What do you get out of this? Is he helping around the house, fixing your car, cooking, giving you massages? Again, another selfless act, but one that shows you will be willing to bend over backwards and get screwed for no good reason.

 

In January of this year she decided out of the blue to separate. I didn't even see it coming.

Of course she did. She doesn't want a guy who is a "yes man" and does everything she wants. She wants a guy who is a take-charge kind of guy, who makes decisions (even unpopular ones, such as kicking the brother out of the house), and knows that HE is the prize. She wants a guy who is exciting and fun, not someone who is sad or boring. I'm not saying you are, just pointing out some examples.

 

The problem is that this was not a surprise for her. She has known for months or YEARS that she is not happy with you, but since you just gave her everything (like a child to his mother) she took and took. But she has always been on the look out for a real man, a father figure, one who won't let her get away with crap. She found one and told you she wanted a break. Keep in mind here, a woman who has a high interest level in you would NEVER do anything to upset you for fear of getting dumped by you. By mentioning a separation, she expects you to dump her - and you should. This is her hint to you. You need to take it.

 

I knew we were far apart. I have been so busy with work, she was in school and spending time with our son that I think we lost touch of each other. At first I figured I could stay at the same place to help out. She is not working yet. She is almost finished her nursing. But the past months have been horrible. I am moving out this month.

Good. You take everything that is yours, too. Take the TV and VCR, take the bed, everything you paid for. She wants to be on her on - let her.

 

But I am so confused. I tried so hard to make her happy.

The problem is you tried TOO hard. This is the problem lots of guys have. Think of it this way - have you ever tried to loosen a lug nut on an older car (like 1960's) and it doesn't work? So you get a bigger wrench, you get a breaker bar, you try a impact wrench. Nothing happens. Then someone else comes along and loosens it ... by turning it the OTHER way. (Yes, some cars actually had left-handed threads on one side, but no longer.) It's *backwards* from what you are doing but you never thought about that. Women are like that in some instances - if not many. More effort does NOT equal more results, and in fact will BREAK things. You've just learned that lesson, although it took you a long time (8 years.) You did EVERYTHING you could *except* back off, be yourself, make unpopular decisions, stand up for yourself, and ... GET SOMETHING out of the relationship.

 

First she tells me she thinks she is gay, then she tells me she is not. Cool.

No, not cool. This is an EXCUSE. You need to memorize this word. It's an excuse to get you to dump her. It is designed to throw you off the scent of what is going on.

 

Then she just comes out of the blue and tells me that she has been thinking about separating for a long time.

Another excuse (although she has).

 

That she cannot commit to this relationship anymore.

An excuse.

 

Then she tells me that she is not in love with me anymore.

An excuse. How many do you need to hear to realize your response should be "Great, have a nice life ... somewhere else. We're through." and never talk to her again? You gotta do it because her actions are speaking a LOT louder than words. She can't tell you the truth, and you probably don't want to hear it from her anyway. Bottom line, she is through with you. She got what she wanted, and now she wants a real man. She got her education and her job is lined up (probably) and she's ready to start living her own life.

 

My psychotherapist thinks that she seems to be confused.

Your psychotherapist is - again with all due respect - an idiot. She is not confused. She knows EXACTLY what she wants - a real man. She does not want you, and she told you so in a way that would not hurt your feelings (although it is confusing you.) Pretty soon she'll tell you how much she loves you and wants to be friends. I'll bet money on that.

 

Sometimes I feel there is hope then I get shot down. Sometimes I get these feelings by the things she says. She also said that we can try the separation thing out. She is not sure if she is making the right decision.

No, there is no hope. She is giving you excuses after excuses, red flag after red flag. She's going to have to try harder to get you to see the truth because you have not acted like a mature man and walked away. Instead, you've clung her to her she is your mother and you are the child. It's like she is beating you and you are going back for more. You have to get some self-respect and not allow yourself to be treated like a second-class citizen here.

 

In the past week I have been noticing her going out and not coming home.

Putting pillows under the covers for me to think that she is there. ( I think she is with someone else. )

She is. You're no dummy, you know EXACTLY what is going on. The problem is you have not acted like a husband or boyfriend and CONFRONTED her on it - in a calm, cool, collected, mature, and gentleman way but in a way that also shows her you are in control. If my SO did that, just *once*, you had better believe I'd be waiting up for her when she got home. I'd let her know if she pulled a move like that again she had better not bother coming home because I would have packed her stuff and changed the locks. I don't abide liars and cheaters to be in my presense, and neither should you.

 

I am sure she has moved on with her life. But I feel that she has f'd up mine.

No, she has no control over what you do, everything you have done is because of a lack of practice in relationships, a lack of social skills so to speak. You lack the experience of dealing with women which has made you make bad decisions. Kissing up to a woman who is walking all over you and lying to you only rewards her behavior. That is like rewarding your dog for taking a dump on your bed.

 

You don't do that with your dog and your kid, do you? Don't do it with her.

 

After she was finished school we were supposed to tackle the debt.

Fat chance. Not to be rude, but I doubt that was part of her plan. She's ready to leave and you can pay all the bills now. Been there, done that, and I have a bankruptcy on my record to prove it (which, by the way, was a great decision and I would recommend it to anyone in serious financial problems.)

 

I can go to school. Buy a house. You know the family thing. I believe so much in having a family thats prim and proper. I never ever wanted this for myself or for my son. My son does not deserve this.

Yeah, your sone deserves a lot more. Get him away from her if you can.

 

I grew up not even knowing my father. She also came from a broken family. Man, 8 years. I cant believe this is happening to me. I just dont understand.

I knew it. Of course this makes no sense - you had no role model, no father figure, no guidance through life. You've got - nothing personal - the social and relationship skills of a child. You never learned how to be a father because you probably had no/poor role models. So you are stuck with learning this all on your own (which can be done) and learning from your hard lessons (like her.)

 

I am trying so hard to move on with my life. I just got a promotion at my job.

I am a great father. But everytime I give my heart to someone, it just gets torn out and stomped to the curb.

So what's the lesson? STOP giving your heart out. Don't be a jerk or anything, but learn from your lessons. LEARN. Do you understand? LEARN. We all have to learn.

 

I am going to move out this month. Hopefully this helps. But I will only know then.

 

nx2chaos

So let me ask you this question - have you ever looked into your options about making relationships work? There are lots of resources out there - *especially* on the internet - that can help you. I'd strongly recommend you look at dating advice sites that are designed for teenagers, because you need to start at the bottom and work your way up.

 

First lesson: Be mature. Be a father figure. Be a gentleMAN but be a man. That means not letting her get away with crap. That means confronting her. That means punishing her for treating you badly. Remember, YOU are the prize and SHE has to work to please YOU. If she screws up, punish her. DOn't be a jerk, but do tell her you're tired of her lies, her excuses, and her cheating. Tell her she's got one day to pack her stuff and get out.

 

Second lesson: Actions speak louder than words. It doesn't matter what she says, it matters what she does. She's leaving you so you need to leave first.

 

Third lesson: Recognize when something is not working that you may need to try LESS hard.

 

Fourth lesson. Learn your lessons and get back up. Go find out how to improve. I'd also ditch that therapist and find someone who can actually help you. You should be all over your ex for the way she treats you, and your therapist should have told you that by now.

 

What more can I say? You need to time this opportunity to grow your relationship skills, your fathering skills, your personal skills - all of which seem you have not learned. No big deal, we've all been there but some of us take longer to figure it all out.

 

I figured this out when I was 30. Boy, what a difference it makes. You'll be fine, if you take the time to figure things out.

[TheFallenShadow]

NX2,

 

I feel for you, i know exactly what you mean...am going and have gone through that myself, and some times i think that hardest thing is not knowing why? As for you son, yes, always make him your top priority, he still needs to know that you love him, thou you dont live there anymore. I know myself, i have two sons, that i try and do all i can for them, even thou it means making sacrifices for myself...

 

Things do get better, just take it one day at a time...

 

Fallen

[lgirl]

i totally disagree wiuth poco diablo's offensive post suggesting you were too much of a yes-man. that's just his opinion and as he's not a woman, much less yr ex, he's not in a position to say what women want. there is no such thing as a man making too much effort in a r/shp - she wouldn't have stayed for 8 years if that was the case, much less had his baby. women rarely have babies with men they don't respect - it's one hell of a commitment to make!!! no one ever ended a r/shp b/c the other person cared too much or was too kind. there are other issues at stake here and poco diablo's insinuation that you weren't enough of a 'man' (whatever that means), is bogus.

 

YOU are the prize and SHE has to work to please YOU. If she screws up, punish her.

Poco Diablo, what the hell kind of WARPED view is that???? any man who treats a woman that way needs to see a psychiatrist!!!!!!

[Mrocza]

I'm going to have to agree with Lgirl.

 

Your views sound like the ranting of a bitter man who tries to justify his failed relationships as the loss of dominance.

 

Get over your ego. Relationships are about compromise. You want to train someone? Get a pet.

 

His girlfriend, unfortunately, has moved on. She does sound like she is confused, but neither him, nor his therapist can know for sure. They have been living separate lives alongside the other and now things have crumbled. She doesn't sound like she is worth the effort to try to win back after all the compromise and nurturing he has done for her, but all is not lost for him. He still has an amazing little boy and just got a promotion.

 

Taking him away from his mother- what is that? Punishing the child for the faults of the parents? Come on now.

 

There is no reason for you to give up your entire future and chances of happiness over a failed relationship. It truly sucks that your family life and upbringing weren't adequate, but entering a relationship with someone from the same roots wasn't wise either. You still have a lot going for you though. Don't let this relationship bring you down- you have done everything right, and sometiems you can't help or control your partners feelings towards yourself.

 

Work for yourself and your son, move out on your own and start fresh.

[ruffjp]

I really feel for ya man, I am goin through the same type of thing. Everyday is a trial, but you just have to keep looking at what is important. Make your life revolve around your son. Make sure you live a little for your self as well. Can anyone tell us why nursing school seems to affect women this way. My wife of 16 years just graduated with her BSN and promptly divorced me. Is it a thing with the schooling that makes them believe they have to be totally self sufficiant or what. Anyway keep your chin up and believe in yourself, you can do this and can be happy. I remind myself of this almost hourly. Good luck.

[PocoDiablo]

 

 

Look, I told him my opinion based on my experience and that's all. You don't have to believe it, or even like it, but to jump all over me doesn't help the OP. Why not debate the merits of what I have to say?

 

The point is I never told him to be an a**hole about it, I told him he needs to wake up and smell the coffee. He's getting hurt and there are tons of signs pointing to how he can learn from this experience.

 

I'm not bitter about women, just ask my fiance or clients for whom I give relationship advice along with my degree in psychology. In fact - although you won't believe this - I point out that most guys need to stop acting like jerks and behave like a mature and polite gentleman. If you read some of my posts here on the site you'll quickly see where I am coming from.

 

And of course you don't agree with me - you have every right not to. But for you to tell this poor guy to get trampled MORE makes no sense at all. Attacking my opinion doesn't help him with a different option that is not just sugar-coating a bad problem.

 

I've seen plenty of women dump a guy for being too nice. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard a woman say "I want a nice guy" and then go out with some other guy who was more exciting, more challenging, more fun. In fact, half the guys who post on here will tell you the same thing, and it's happened to them. So you're not fooling me!

 

In fact, there are plenty of posts from men and women that have observed the same thing on this site, IF you choose to look around.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How many people have gone through this same thing? I mean, this is relationships 101. It's VERY basic. It's very simple. It's "actions speak louder than words" and that is all there is to it.

 

That is MY take on it. I could be wrong, sure, but that is up to HIM to decide based on the information HE has. I can't force him to take my opinion, so why don't you wait until he replies and see what he thinks?

[southerngirl]

Poco, I re-read your post ... I'd have to say that it very well could be she didnt want a 'yes man' BUT..... I dont think that alone is reason for him to get his son away from her as you stated. Unless she is unfit to the child.... He should concentrate on staying in his sons life not removing her from it.

 

Both parents is the best situation for any child. He may hate her she may be a dispicable person for what she does but she is still his mother. Same thing with her... she may hate him she may not want him around but he is still that boys father.

 

First and formost put the child first and Id add to what Poco said... Just let her go walk away end it.. and Good for you moving out and like he said.. TAKE ALL YOUR STUFF EVERYTHING YOU BOUGHT.. Ill tell you something my mother once told me. When leaving take every last thing you want because once you leave you may as well kiss it all good bye.

 

YOu did enough for her, she wants to be on her own... let her be.

[PocoDiablo]

it very well could be she didnt want a 'yes man' BUT..... I dont think that alone is reason for him to get his son away from her as you stated.

That wasn't what I meant and no I don't think that is the only reason. It's one of many reasons.

 

Also, when I said for him to take his son away from her I said "Yeah, your son deserves a lot more. Get him away from her if you can." There is nothing wrong with that, as far as I can tell. What's wrong with wanting more for his son?

 

Keep in mind that I did mention that he needs to be cool, calm, collected, etc - not some jerk.

 

The problem with the Internet is that 99% of the message is lost. Everyone has to read between the lines sometimes.

[nx2chaos]

Whoa,

 

I really didn't mean to be a s*** disturber.

Look, I have always tried to be very understanding. I read all the posts so far, I feel that I am just trying to keep things civil regarding the situation. I need to for my son. All of you are giving me good advice.

 

As for how much of a man I am. I have my strengths and weaknesses.

As we all do. All I am trying to do is be a good Father and have a family. I am going throught the roughest phase right now and all of you are supporting in your own way. I am angry, sad, confused, and sometimes on cloud nine. The lack of sleep is driving me nuts because I dont want to dream anymore. I lost 20 pounds. Of course I want her back. I love her. I always have. Of course I am thinking about the family.

 

But yes, it is true I should just pick up and go. I am really trying to accept the circumstances. Dealing with it day by day.

 

nx2chaos

[lgirl]

nxt2chaos,

 

you are doing the best you can given very challenging and difficult circumstances. luckily, you have your son to focus on and this will give you strength. hang on in there and keep putting one foot in front of the other. it's early days still, but things will work out okay (whatever happens) for you in the end.

 

poco diablo,

 

this poster came to us for help and support and instead got blasted by you for not being man enough IN YOUR OPINION. the fact is he is not being "trampled on" as you suggest - he is going thru a bitter break-up and no, his wife hasn't treated him well in all this, but it has nothing to do with whether he's a 'real' man or not (again, whatever that is!).

 

contrary to your intention, your long list of examples to back your claims only serves to amply demonstrate your negative views, especially the following list of what a man should be (which frankly i find disturbing). if this what 'real' men are supposed to be like, then thank god not all men are like that!!!

 

 

 

and this is a 'real' man? sounds like he neither values, respects or even likes women!

 

it's a sad fact that if men didn't feel the pressure to conform to this type of macho bs, then we would all lead happier lives.

 

so poco diablo, maybe in future you could stick to addressing the poster's needs, instead of using it as a platform to push your own 'misguided' views?

[Mrocza]

Lgirl pretty much summed it up.

 

But then again I said the same thing and got no reply from him.

[melatonin]

The idea that a man should see himself only as a woman's lover and not her friend is awful, and so hopelessly cynical. Guys like that will get the babe of their dreams, all the sex they want, and probably live happily ever after - but they're just idiots who are missing out on so much more fulfilment (the babe included). But fair play to them, it leaves available the men and women who want more.

 

Sorry for getting off-topic, but I can't those 'The Answer To Getting Women' testosterone-tastic posts.

[PocoDiablo]

so poco diablo, maybe in future you could stick to addressing the poster's needs, instead of using it as a platform to push your own 'misguided' views?

Ladies first.